questions about LC and moving on....

[frenchmanfl]

Wife and I separated a couple of weeks, but a new development has pushed this separation into the confirmed zone. Have a beautiful 9 year old, whom we both love.

 

Now committed to LC, how does one manage this to look like LC is a moving on mechanism rather than an angry reaction. I did an LC for a few days before the " confirmed separation " event and I am 100% certain that my wife ( x maybe ) saw my reaction as simply me being pissy and angry, which likely set her off even more in the direction that she was going. She was going there anyway but...

 

 

In the later stages of our marriage, rather than fight with her I would shut down when she got frustrated or angry at me. I would say things like " I am not talking about this right now and hang up the phone ". The likely angered her more than the original reason for her call. It was either shut her down or fight. So there is some background to the shut down process being my frustrated reaction.

 

 

Do I provide my wife with one quick email to explain " this is how I am moving on and forward, no contact unless it is about son or financial matters...right now I can't be friends with you...in time maybe when the hurt subsides...?

 

Do I set the town with this last message so that she understands that the silent treatment is not some childish reaction but rather my coping mechanism ?

 

 

I actually already forced a part of LC by asking her to leave this house. I believe she has been having an EA and likely now more. She wanted to roomate with her OM ( which as they all do has denied ) and then spend the three week nights I had with my son up here with us. I said that won't work for me, I can't cope with you sneaking around texting your " boyfriend " plus I want my time with my son.

 

 

I provided an explanation about that, should I now do so about all other communication avenues because while I am still not sure if I want her back, I know she does feel very guilty and has been hurting because she loved this family and loved me deeply during the first 3/4 of our 20 year marriage. She has told me that she is so conflicted about whether she is doing the right thing, but says she has to to find herself ( MLC no doubt..noted ).

 

 

I do not want to waste the next week or two with her thinking I am just not talking to her as a way of punishing her, but rather because I need this LC to move forward.

 

 

PLease advise and thank you all for your support over the last few days.

[frenchmanfl]

Here is the e-mail I have composed :

 

As a coping mechanism and in order for me to move forward I would like you to please respect that I only want to be contacted about our beautiful boy and critical matters, nothing more.

 

I tried to put this plan into action when you moved out full time last week but didn’t explain why I went silent. I suspect you saw it as simply my being pissy and childish, not the case at all.

 

One does not shed a marriage of 2 decades without healing time and one does not lose the caring they feel for their partner of so many years, but I can’t be your friend right now...in time yes...but I thought it was important that you don’t see this as an angry childish reaction. I am about as far from angry as one can get.

 

thx