sacredheart Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Hello all - It's been awhile since I posted. Well anyway, I'll try to make this as quick as possible. Back in June a friend of mine saw my live in boyfriend out with another woman at a bar. He denied, of course. Then in October found out him and this woman he was "seen" with at the bar were texting like crazy. Now, when I confronted him they were just friends but yet he never told me about her. He had told me about ALL of his other female friends at work. Her for some reason..never mentioned. Also, when I called her to confront her she was very catty...told me to "take it up with him". That was very odd. I mean, a woman should just say they're friends when that's the case, right? Now, there have been random things to make me believe that something was up for the past year..lipstick on his collar (he didn't know where it was from), white suspicous stains on his boxers when we weren't intimate, extra facebook activity, etc. Well, for MONTHS he told me that they were JUST friends. He was never at a bar with her and they texted about me, places for her to see cause she was new in town, etc. He pretty much told me I was crazy and turned things around on me every time I brought it up.. WELL...He accidentally left his email open and this is what I found and this exchange is from 2 weeks ago...AFTER he said he would never contact her again, etc... __________________________________________________ ____ FROM HER TO HIM Hey sorry if I seemed short yesterday , I am out of minutes till today or the 18th not sure. I share with my brother and he hogged this month haha. So I cant even call your office .You will either have to come see me or call from verizon, and we know thats not gonna happen my home number is FROM HIM TO HER Hi!!!!!! Hope all is well. Sorry I was ornary today and trippin you like a child! I am not completely sure why I did so. So, again, my apologies... I just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you. You look like you're happy and it seems like things are going very well for you. Your financial windfall, your camaro, your beautiful daughters school pics, etc. Have a great night! FROM HER TO HIM Hi just read your email, I think the first you ever bothered to write me, I feel honored No big [COLOR=#f35b00]deal today[/COLOR], didnt really think anything of it, you are a guy haha .I'm not exactly happy or unhappy but really do always try and make the best of things. I probably seem that way cause I'm not so ****ed up over you like before, finally put things in perspective, as they should have been all along. Maybe now you see the real me. I hope you are happy and going to be alright with the **** thats going on in your life, just know that I actually can make a great and trustworthy friend if you ever wanna let me in. Good seein you today, you still look handsome __________________________________________________ ____ Alright folks..so I'm wondering if they were "just friends" WHY she is not ****ed up over him like she was before? Would a woman be screwed over a friendship like that? I don't know he continues to tell me that he never "touched" her. None of this adds up. Of course he's not going to tell me he had an affair.. So when I confronted him about it of course he said "why are you checking my email?" never answered anything or explained anything. Simply said "thanks alot" and hung up on my face. He's contined to text me like nothing has happened. Then, he hasn't really called for the past few days..I was wondering why? Did he not have anything to say to cover it up? The whole hang up makes me feel like he's guilty..he said it was because he was around his friend but he could have called to explain... On top of this chick I found out he was emailing another ex girlfriend of his via facebook in which he said he'd never do again either... Can someone PLEASE give me feedback in telling me that I'm right in thinking something more than "friendship" went on and I need to leave his ass... Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 They had an affair, he decided to end it, but suggested that they remain friends (likely to keep her from getting revenge for being dumped by telling you). Regardless of whether or not it's "over" (or if anything ever really "happened" between them), it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to stay with a man whom you do not trust. Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 When there is smoke there is fire. The bottom line is you don't trust him. You don't need any proof to be honest. If you can't trust him then you won't be happy with him. Leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 He got caught, now he's acting very passive about it. A typical thing that someone who doesn't know how to deal with getting caught in a lie does. Normally you would think he would be going out of his way to talk to you about everything, get it all out in the open. Instead he's turning it around on you. If you accept this then this is how he will deal with everything. Unfortunately he's not trustworthy and you don't have to be told that. You deserve better!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 OMG..so he finally called and said that the reason she was sooo effed up over him is probably because she had a crush. That he NEVER touched her. NEVER crossed the line. Said that he could never tell me about her because I was too jealous, etc. Whatever..Can you believe that? Lies, right? Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 OMG..so he finally called and said that the reason she was sooo effed up over him is probably because she had a crush. That he NEVER touched her. NEVER crossed the line. Said that he could never tell me about her because I was too jealous, etc. Whatever..Can you believe that? Lies, right? Oh ok. That explains everything. I guess you were going crazy after all. Go back to him. Everything is fine now. Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Well, lets see. If I were him, this is how I would have handled the situation from the beginning. "Honey, there is this girl that I am friends with and she seems to be a little more interested in me than she should be, so I am going to have to cut contact with her." If that was the case a mature man would not continue the "friendship" because #1. He has a gf at home and he does not want to jeopardize his relationship. #2. He cares enough about the feelings of his friends and does not want to lead someone on. What do you think???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 Mo Mo - Is that a serious or sarcastic reply? Dollygirl - I get what you're saying but in the text log he was the one reaching out to her first everyday..not her to him. Then I re-read her email to him and at the end it said: just know that I actually can make a great and trustworthy friend if you ever wanna let me in. Good seein you today, you still look handsome Does that sound like they were friends BEFORE? Sounds like she's saying she can be a friend now, right? Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Yes, that is what it sounds like she is saying. And it also sounds like maybe there was something going on previously, or she was pushing for that. That is where I said about about what I would have said if I were him, being that I had a gf, knowing this woman was interested in me. My thoughts are that she wants to stay in his life "as friends" but inside is hoping that develops in to more. Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Mo Mo - Is that a serious or sarcastic reply? Dollygirl - I get what you're saying but in the text log he was the one reaching out to her first everyday..not her to him. Then I re-read her email to him and at the end it said: just know that I actually can make a great and trustworthy friend if you ever wanna let me in. Good seein you today, you still look handsome Does that sound like they were friends BEFORE? Sounds like she's saying she can be a friend now, right? it just looks like it's obvious to everyone what is going on but you. I don't understand why you keep hanging on. If you really wanted to leave him you would have done it already, so it doesn't really matter what we say. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 it just looks like it's obvious to everyone what is going on but you. I don't understand why you keep hanging on. If you really wanted to leave him you would have done it already, so it doesn't really matter what we say. Seems like that's the case with a lot of folks here, eh mo mo? Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 it just looks like it's obvious to everyone what is going on but you. I don't understand why you keep hanging on. If you really wanted to leave him you would have done it already, so it doesn't really matter what we say. Yes... Sacred, why are you keeping this man around? He lies and disrespects you, and even if he wasn't cheating on you (unlikely from what he's shown), he has driven you to the point of complete paranoia. What would happen to you if you ended the relationship? Can you see yourself being with this man in 5 years after all of this? Do you think that you could do better? Why do you tolerate his trash? Are you a masochist? I think the answers to all of the above are pretty obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 So I'm hysterical...he just called and said that he swears he never touched this woman. That she just had a crush on him and must have wanted something more. I mean, why was he flirting with her and reaching out to her daily through text? Texting 20-30 times a day until I got home from work and ALL texts were deleted from his phone? Then I told him I was leaving and he is upset but is not fighting for me to stay? Why? So I asked him and his response is that I started problems by looking at his email and accusing him of doing more than emailing, telling my friends and family that I was moving, etc. That he wasn't going to fight for THAT. Is he trying to turn things around on me or what!? I'm crying hysterically as I pack because he now has me second guessing myself. I'm so distraught. Please someone give me some words of encouragment. I feel like I'm going to lose it. NOW... He's now on the path of crying and hysterical. Says that is was nothing. He never touched anyone. He did what he did but was never unfaithful. That I shouldn't take the fact that he was faithful from him because that was the only good he did give me. That he loves me and wishes me the best... Then ten minutes later he calls and tells me to stop packing. That I just need to trust him. It was harmless which is why he never told me. That she just has a "crush" on him. He said that all he's done has been harmless and that I probably have my own secrets. But he was never allowed to have a private life. That I was always checking his cell phone, etc. Well, I did because I didn't trust him. I just always had a feeling. It doesn't help that he told me when we first started dating that he had infidelity issues until he got married and then he stopped. He doesn't even remember calling or communicating with this woman two weeks ago nor his other ex that he was emailing. He said that's how insignificant it was that he didn't even remember nor care to remember. He told me that I probably have my own secrets and that I guard everything, my cell, personal life, etc. The truth is he NEVER had a reason to be concerned. I've been a good and faithful woman to him. I've always been forthcoming with information such as friends, etc. He told me because I was forthcoming didn't mean that I was telling him "everything". I don't get it. I told him just because he THOUGHT I was being bad behind his back didn't give him the right to do what he did. I don't know he keeps telling me that I was the one and that he won't be able to talk to me in the future cause he knows I'm going to be out there dating, having sex, etc. and he doesn't want to know about it..he can't deal with it. I'm not that kind of a girl. So he went from being tough guy saying he won't fight with me to sad and hysterical promising nothing ever happened... I'm so sad right now..he has me questioning myself...like am I paranoid? I've always had trust issues with men but this is all in my face. Not fake and I've had reasons to check. He last year on my birthday was also texting ANOTHER ex of his and she was catty when I called her..told me that what they were texting was none of my concern. If they were just friends why be so catty? Anyway, he lied about those texts too..they were all deleted...I don't know. Just so many secrets and lies but then he tells me he couldn't tell me cause he knew I'd get mad so back to questioning myself... In the middle of packing I'm hysterical and wondering if I'm really doing the right thing...am I stupid? Did he really turn it around on me like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I'm so sad right now..he has me questioning myself...like am I paranoid? I've always had trust issues with men but this is all in my face. Not fake and I've had reasons to check. He last year on my birthday was also texting ANOTHER ex of his and she was catty when I called her..told me that what they were texting was none of my concern. If they were just friends why be so catty? Anyway, he lied about those texts too..they were all deleted...I don't know. Just so many secrets and lies but then he tells me he couldn't tell me cause he knew I'd get mad so back to questioning myself... In the middle of packing I'm hysterical and wondering if I'm really doing the right thing...am I stupid? Did he really turn it around on me like this? Keep in mind this: If he did not want to hurt you, he wouldn't be chatting with his exes behind your back to begin with, NOT not tell you about it because you'd be jealous; This type of logic is faulty from its foundations. Like you said, there have been way to many secrets and lies, why should you put up with that? Every person who goes into a RS knows it's gotta be built on trust - if it's not there, it's just doomed to crash. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I believe your boyfriend could have been more honest. Maybe he can learn from this experience. The lady that has a crush needs to have her husband contacted. He needs to know. He will also be an ally with you in case further contact takes place. Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 DO NOT LET HIM TURN THIS AROUND ON YOU! He clearly has very little respect for you and is not committed to making you happy if he thinks it is ok to talk to women without you knowing. He has his ideas of what a relationship is in his head and you have yours. They are not the same, so you two do not belong together. You are doing the right thing. Leave and don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Wow, he's quite the sneak and liar, ain't he? If he had NOTHING to hide, he wouldn't have deleted all her texts every single day! If he had NOTHING to hide, he wouldn't have secret email exchanges between the two of them NOR would he have been seen out at a bar with her and then LIE LIE LIE to you about it when someone ELSE tells you they saw him at the bar with her. I have to admit I actually laughed out loud when I read the part where he claims that these two chuckle-heads were texting about YOU. ROFL!! Yeah, sure they were. Oh, there probably WERE texts about you regarding whether you were suspicious or texts he sent complaining about you, but I highly doubt they spent their days talking about how lucky he is to have such a wonderful girlfriend. Does he really believe the utter bullsh*t he spews? :laugh: It's quite laughable. Geez. I always thought that old lipstick on the collar thing was just folklore, but I guess you want to ignore that TOO? Instead of owning his sh*t when you confronted him with his weasel behavior - emailing ex-girlfriends, sneaking out to bars with his 'buddy,' lying about their friendship, deleting texts, makeup on his shirts and everything else - his BIGGEST issue is that you read his email and it's YOU whose creating problems? What a jack-hole. Smartest thing you ever DID was leave this loser. Please tell me his lies and crocodile tears didn't get you to stay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Thanks for the encouraging words everyone..I'm not falling for it...I'm moving out. Packed up most of my stuff yesterday and am going to sign the lease today. This way I can't back out..lol. I'm doing what I have to do. I have a HUGE fear kicking in right now. When we started dating I made him test for HIV and I did as well because I figured he was the ONE. Well, since then, no tests and I'm freaking out that he may have given me something. I would just die. I would be devastated to know that he wasn't careful and compromised my life. Does anyone have anything encouraging to say? I'm panicking and I know I need to take one thing at a time but this is eating at me on top of all of the other stress and hurt I have.. Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Yes, PLEASE do not let him turn this around with you. "If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing". Keep those words in mind. It's not going to be easy, I can tell you this from experience, but you need to command respect from the person you are sharing your life with. When I first started seeing my ex, and we started to become serious, one of my ex's got in touch with me. The first thing I told him was that I was with someone that I cared about and that I could not keep communication open with him (not that I would have anyway, he was the past). However, I felt I owed that respect to my new bf at the time. Unfortunately he did not feel the same way which is why he became my ex. I deserved better and so do you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 and P.S. the turning things around on you is just a tactic used to make you feel like you were the one doing something wrong. That feeling in our gut is usually right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 10, 2011 Author Share Posted May 10, 2011 Hello everyone! I'm back because I'm in the biggest state of sadness and confusion. He's been chirping in my ear. I did move out. I've been on my own since Thursday and haven't slept at all. I did see him on Saturday to take some extra's that my mom accidentally packed and it was hard. He keeps texting and calling. We've talked quite a bit and he's so not letting me go. I told him I don't get it. I left him with nothing and he's still fighting for the relationship. I would think that if he were innocent and never touched anyone and it was harmless that he'd be so upset that I moved for nothing that he would just let me go. Is it right to think the fact that he's still fighting for me is because he got caught? I just think it's weird. He said that he's fighting for me because he loves me and can't picture his life without me. That we can take this time to work on ourselves and come out stronger than ever. I still can't get over the email and the way she talked to me on the phone and all of the other little things he's done to make me not trust. I mean, if he did have an affair and cut it off with her, I don't get why he opened the door again by calling her to tell her that he's "happy for her". If you re-read my first post with their email exchange you'll see that he probably cut it off because she said "I think this is the first you ever wrote me back". I don't understand...why open the door again? Now I know that he knows I haven't been 100% happy and has mentioned that he thought I would cheat on him. Do you think he opened the doors with ex's back up for security? To know that they are still there if need be? Also, he keeps promising he never touched her. That it was harmless. That she is sooo messed up over him because she had a crush. I'm like, really? Do 46 year old women just develop crushes and take things the wrong way if things only seem like a friendship? Could she be that psycho to take him the wrong way? He keeps saying that he knows he did wrong and it will never happen again. He never touched her and wants nothing to do with her, etc. etc. That I made a very EMOTIONAL decision by moving out within a week. I wasn't thinking logically. I don't know. Can any of you re-read the original post with emails, etc and give me some more advice. I'm just confused again. Like what if I did leave the man that I love and it was just a friendship that he hid because he knows that I'm jealous? Or am I way off track? Is the writing on the wall? Am I in denial? Thanks so much for all of your thoughts..you have no idea how much it all means to me! Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 He keeps saying that he knows he did wrong and it will never happen again. He never touched her and wants nothing to do with her, etc. etc. That I made a very EMOTIONAL decision by moving out within a week. I wasn't thinking logically. he isn't really sorry if he is trying to throw it back at you. he hasn't learned his lesson at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 11, 2011 Author Share Posted May 11, 2011 Hi everyone...I keep re-reading the email and trying to figure out what it means..if they had something and he cut it off or if this woman is just a 46 year old cougar who took my boyfriend the wrong way when he just gave her friendship and she went nutso over him? Or if it's legit that it seems like cheating? Can you guys please re-read this and let me know? I need help..badly...I'm in panic... Hi just read your email, I think the first you ever bothered to write me, I feel honored No big deal today, didnt really think anything of it, you are a guy haha .I'm not exactly happy or unhappy but really do always try and make the best of things. I probably seem that way cause I'm not so ****ed up over you like before, finally put things in perspective, as they should have been all along. Maybe now you see the real me. I hope you are happy and going to be alright with the **** thats going on in your life, just know that I actually can make a great and trustworthy friend if you ever wanna let me in. Good seein you today, you still look handsome My whole thing right now is IF they were just friends WHY is she saying "just know that I can make a great and trustworthy friend if you ever wanna let me in" If they were just friends why is she saying she can be a friend now? Right? Someone please help me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Good morning all...I was just wondering if any other's on the forum cared to chime in? I'm just feeling so vulnerable and feeling like I'm going to buy into what's he's saying because I'm confused... Can someone else perhaps offer input? I would appreciate it so much...I'm feeling weaker than ever... And also want to add that he wanted to see me yesterday and I didn't make it so now he's not calling or texting and giving me the silent treatement. This is after he's been calling, texting, everyday..how and why does one do that? Communicate constantly and then disappear? What does that all mean? Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I still can't get over the email and the way she talked to me on the phone WHAT were you doing calling her? Don't ever do that again. I'm not on anyone's side here but she did the right thing by simply saying "take it up with him." It's not her job to explain everything - IT'S HIS! Leave this guy. He sounds like a total sneak and the communication is obviously lacking as you feel like you have to resort to emails and messages in order to get any "truth" that should come from him. Don't engage with him. Cut him out and go no contact. This sounds like an extremely trust lacking and drama filled relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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