Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 vsmini - I called that number to find out who it was that he was texting so much and it was her. I'm sorry but she did NOT need to approach it that way. I approached her very kindly and if they were JUST friends, a mature 46 year old woman would say that. Yes, we work together and we're just friends. I can't believe that you're siding with her. The woman that knew he had a girlfriend and decided to get catty with me?!?! Like I did something wrong..that doesn't make any sense to me. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 vsmini - I called that number to find out who it was that he was texting so much and it was her. I'm sorry but she did NOT need to approach it that way. I approached her very kindly and if they were JUST friends, a mature 46 year old woman would say that. Yes, we work together and we're just friends. I can't believe that you're siding with her. The woman that knew he had a girlfriend and decided to get catty with me?!?! Like I did something wrong..that doesn't make any sense to me. Thank you. This is either a troll or a very immature poster (this sounds like a 15 year old talking). Your response is odd especially when I specifically stated I was NOT taking sides in my previous reply. If this is a real issue then the thing to do is forget the other woman and stop picking apart the emails and what they mean because your guy told you "nothing was going on." So now you have to look at it like this: A. He told you you have nothing to worry about. B. You're still worrying and not trusting what he's saying. C. Why bother being in a relationship like that? Don't make it complicated by bringing in the other woman, picking apart text messages and emails. People often make things much more complex in their relationships when they don't need to. He displayed shady behavior. You need to move on. His story is full of holes anyway. Don't focus on the holes themselves....focus on the fact that you're in a relationship with a guy that has all those holes to begin with Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Wow..a TROLL?!?!? Who's the immature one here. I'm an older woman. My age does not matter. It's the situation at hand. I did NOT come here to e insulted and put down. I came here for support in a very confusing situation. My self esteem is crushed already because of what I've been put through and I'm hurting more than ever. I didn't ask for any of this. Thank you for making me feel like crap even more... This site is not what I was thinking it was... Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 My whole thing right now is IF they were just friends WHY is she saying "just know that I can make a great and trustworthy friend if you ever wanna let me in" If they were just friends why is she saying she can be a friend now? Right? Someone please help me.... Nobody can ever be sure what those two meant in that email - and you can't be sure either. We don't know them and as terrible as it is, you don't know their situation either....doesn't sound like the boyfriend is willing to talk to you about it. Clearly something was going on with them. I don't talk this way to my guy friends. Sounds like he's cut her off (which is good, if that's the case) and she wants to stick around somewhat. Do you really want to be with a guy where you'll always have to worry if she's hiding in the wings? Do you really want to be in that situation with a guy you're not sure you trust? You say he's not calling you. Let him not call you - sounds good to me. Maybe he's thinking things over and realizing he effed up big time. I say start NC immediately and stick with it. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Wow..a TROLL?!?!? Who's the immature one here. I'm an older woman. My age does not matter. It's the situation at hand. I did NOT come here to e insulted and put down. I came here for support in a very confusing situation. My self esteem is crushed already because of what I've been put through and I'm hurting more than ever. I didn't ask for any of this. Thank you for making me feel like crap even more... This site is not what I was thinking it was... A troll is someone who fakes a story on threads to get a rise out of people. You need to stop getting hysterical otherwise people on here will write you off and NOT be willing to help you. As proof by my posts it's obvious I'm willing to give helpful advice. Are you willing to respond to any of that or only focus on the bad stuff? take it down a notch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 vsmini - no stories here...I wish this was a horrible nightmare that I'm just waking up from to be honest with you. My head is just racing in every direction...did I do the right thing? did I not? Do I have all the proof I need? You said yourself that I can't be sure from the email. The boyfriend has talked and has said that the reason she said she was effed up over him was because maybe she had a huge crush on him and she knew he was untouchable and couldn't have him? And yes, it sounds like he cut her off but from what? Friendship or affair? Do you see why I'm confused? Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 (edited) And yes, it sounds like he cut her off but from what? Friendship or affair? Do you see why I'm confused? Yes I see why you're confused. He said he wanted nothing else to do with her. That means HE needs to cut complete contact with her in every way and if you are willing to stick through this he needs to know you mean business. If you intend on going back to him you need to tell him that as long as you are in the picture he will not be talking to her, responding to emails of hers or texts. If he cannot comply - He's gotta hit the road. To me - it sounds like maybe he let his friendship go too far with her, not necessarily an affair but perhaps where she had feelings for him and he wanted to see if he had feelings for her - I'm only speculating but it looks like at one point he said NO to her and said STOP. Which is good. Again - I'm only speculating. You said earlier that you were supposed to meet up with him but you didn't go. Are you willing to talk to him face-to-face? Edited May 12, 2011 by vsmini Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Well, that's the thing. He completely hid her from me. Was at a bar with her and then the texting continued. When I found out and he said they were only friends he PROMISED me he would stop. Well, it seems that he did but he opened the door again by calling her and then responding to her email. How is that keeping a promise and if he broke the promise before what makes me think he won't do it again? I'm willing to talk face to face but now he's ignoring me and acting like an idiot...not sure why.... Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Good morning all...I was just wondering if any other's on the forum cared to chime in? I'm just feeling so vulnerable and feeling like I'm going to buy into what's he's saying because I'm confused... Can someone else perhaps offer input? I would appreciate it so much...I'm feeling weaker than ever... And also want to add that he wanted to see me yesterday and I didn't make it so now he's not calling or texting and giving me the silent treatement. This is after he's been calling, texting, everyday..how and why does one do that? Communicate constantly and then disappear? What does that all mean? Your guy has absolutely no clue that what he did was wrong and how much it hurt you. If he did, he would honor your request and cut off all contact with this woman instead of making up excuses for her. The fact that he is still in contact with her knowing she has feelings for him speaks volumes. She is obviously not going to stop trying to win him over and if she stays in communication with him, she will constantly be trying to undermind your relationship. My advice is that you continue to stay strong and go NC. If he understood that his actions were wrong (this is at the very least an emotional infidelity), he would cut her off without hesitation, tell her he is devoted to you and block her from communicating. It's that simple. He would also be bending over backwards to make it up to you and would also be showing true remorse. Turning it around on you means he doesn't *see* that he is wrong and will most likely continue to stay in contact with her thinking it's no big deal. Worse yet, will make you out to be the bad guy. Do you honestly want to be in that kind of turmoil in a relationship? Oh, and by the way, the fact that this woman "friend" said to take it up with him means there is more to their relationship then you are being told. And there is no hope of rebuilding trust until your xbf comes clean and spills ALL the beans. Unless he shows up at your doorstep showing remorse and disclosing the whole shebang and proving he cut her out of his life, you should stay NC. I wouldn't accept any less if I were you. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Well, it seems that he did but he opened the door again by calling her and then responding to her email. How is that keeping a promise and if he broke the promise before what makes me think he won't do it again? Ok - I didn't understand the story correctly - so he promised you and did it again. OK then it's time for this guy to hit the road. I understand it's hard to walk away from a relationship but this is not one that will lead to anything good. The trust and honesty is not there. Trust me when I say relationships DO get better than this. I was in one that I had a very difficult time walking away from but I'm glad I did. I never thought I would find someone better than the loser I was with and...I DID. Relationships should be mutually fulfilling, gratifying and loving. So go out there and find it. SINCE he pissed out on his promise then a face to face isn't necessary and I think it will prolong your pain and healing time. Not to mention you're in a vulnerable place right now and you will most likely get sucked back in. He will blow hot and tell you nothing happened - he will tell you the world....don't even be tempted to listen to that. Don't look at it like he is ignoring you...he messed up...you're not speaking to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 vsmini - yes, when I first found out about everything and asked him if he contacted her again he said no, never again. And then obviously he reached out to her ONLY to tell her he's happy for her, etc. You see that in the email. You also see where he cut if off with her but like I said opened the door again for whatever reason... But on top of it he promised me he'd never text his ex's again either I found him doing that and of course he said harmless...why promise thought and do it again? Chelsea - you're right in that he has no clue..I mean, he said he knows he did wrong and he knows what he needs to do now but he still thinks it was harmless. It seems that he did cut contact off with her until recently. You can see in the email that he's telling her she seems happy and she says wow, I can't believe you wrote back to me. So he did cut it off but why open the doors again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 vsmini - yes, when I first found out about everything and asked him if he contacted her again he said no, never again. And then obviously he reached out to her ONLY to tell her he's happy for her, etc. You see that in the email. You also see where he cut if off with her but like I said opened the door again for whatever reason... But on top of it he promised me he'd never text his ex's again either I found him doing that and of course he said harmless...why promise thought and do it again? Chelsea - you're right in that he has no clue..I mean, he said he knows he did wrong and he knows what he needs to do now but he still thinks it was harmless. It seems that he did cut contact off with her until recently. You can see in the email that he's telling her she seems happy and she says wow, I can't believe you wrote back to me. So he did cut it off but why open the doors again? Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Oh, and by the way, the fact that this woman "friend" said to take it up with him means there is more to their relationship then you are being told. Again - I know it sounds like I'm SIDING with the OW but I'm really not. The fact is - many women, innocent or not handle themselves differently in situations where they are confronted by a girlfriend. A woman may not be aware that the guy had a girlfriend and all of a sudden this girlfriend is calling them out of nowhere - when they get that call who knows what is going thru their heads. I don't think the OP can know much by how this woman handled that phone call. If I got a call from a girl saying "who is this - I know you've been talking to ____." I'd probably say the same thing "take it up with him." If I was in an OK mood I'd probably say "We're just friends." But I wouldn't start divulging my personal details and how I know someone if a woman I didn't know called me. It wouldn't be me being catty but cautious. I'm a big fan of...blame the man and ignore the OW. So maybe that's why I'm not being a very big cheerleader on this contact with the other girl. My relationship is between myself and the guy....I don't know the OW so why would I trust anything they have to say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Well vsimi - according to him this women knew all about me. He said that's what they texted about, me, work, their children, new places to see in town, etc. so according to HIM she knew about ME..you see.. Does that change your thoughts at all? Even when I asked who this was texting Mike she was like Mike who? Just playing the dumb card.. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Well vsimi - according to him this women knew all about me. He said that's what they texted about, me, work, their children, new places to see in town, etc. so according to HIM she knew about ME..you see.. Does that change your thoughts at all? Even when I asked who this was texting Mike she was like Mike who? Just playing the dumb card.. It really doesn't change my thoughts about contacting the other woman at all or how she handled it. What could she have told you? You may say: "the truth about what has been going on." Honestly, that should be coming from your guy....it would have been nice if she gave you the entire rundown but...that's your guys job. Not her.s Again - I can sympathize with your situation and if you couldn't get answers from your guy I can understand the rational by going to the other woman but it's always trouble and in the end....never gets you anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Well, that's the thing. He completely hid her from me. Was at a bar with her and then the texting continued. When I found out and he said they were only friends he PROMISED me he would stop. Well, it seems that he did but he opened the door again by calling her and then responding to her email. How is that keeping a promise and if he broke the promise before what makes me think he won't do it again? I'm willing to talk face to face but now he's ignoring me and acting like an idiot...not sure why.... he's a blatant liar - evidence has shown you that. why do you want to be with a blatant liar? he spent time and energy on her - behind your back... and lied, lied, lied to YOU - the woman he CLAIMS he loves... THAT is not love. he's a cake eater. he wants BOTH of you because he's selfish and self serving - not even considering how YOU may feel. words are lies when the action doesn't match the words. hid don't match. he's a liar... you want that? i wouldn't. you deserve better. stay with NC. block him. do not accept any contact. and stop focusing on what he is or isn't doing - get busy doing MANY other things. you dodged a bullet - be grateful. tell him to buzz off! he can go find other women to victimize without you participating. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Sunny's got a great point. Good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 ONE of my last questions is this...the whole "hiding" deal. I have shown in the past a jealousy streak cause of no trust...do you think that's why he hid her? Is that even legitimate? Because he knew I'd be upset or because he was having "something" with her? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 ONE of my last questions is this...the whole "hiding" deal. I have shown in the past a jealousy streak cause of no trust...do you think that's why he hid her? Is that even legitimate? Because he knew I'd be upset or because he was having "something" with her? people don't hide things unless they know it's just wrong. he hid her because he was boinking her. he stayed in touch with her BEHIND your back - after you knew - betrayal... why are you even wasting any time and/or energy trying to make him out to be decent and loving and kind when his behavior has shown you NOTHING of the sort? stop trying to change facts - he's a liar and a cheat! lose him - quick! what the hell are you even wondering about this for? he is NOT the man you thought he COULD be. not even close to decent! get some counseling. to be your age and second guessing decency in a man - and what it looks like - is not healthy for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Well vsimi - according to him this women knew all about me. He said that's what they texted about, me, work, their children, new places to see in town, etc. so according to HIM she knew about ME..you see.. Does that change your thoughts at all? Even when I asked who this was texting Mike she was like Mike who? Just playing the dumb card.. The part in bold says it all...their relationship is inappropriate and there is more going on here. A cheaters mantra is to "deny deny deny" when confronted and that is what appears to be happening in this situation. That is all you really need to know and again, his actions are showing you he is guilty of something. If he truly understood, he would NOT be thinking that this is no big deal! He would instead be devastated by the pain he caused you because he would actually feel it himself. That is what "realization" is all about; it's about beng able to actually see AND feel the consequences of what they have done. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 ONE of my last questions is this...the whole "hiding" deal. I have shown in the past a jealousy streak cause of no trust...do you think that's why he hid her? Is that even legitimate? Because he knew I'd be upset or because he was having "something" with her? I feel like I'm opening up a huge can of worms by saying this but this could be a very likely possibility. Does it make his lying ok? NO. But I can see how a lot of guys would rather not even deal with it and just keep things from a woman in fear of her overreacting and causing a big drama-fest that was not necessary. Cut to me learning my lesson a few years back when I had my jealous streak: I was with a guy that had a low tolerance for it and he made it clear from the get-go. he had excellent communication and I would flip out for very immature and silly reasons. He dumped me and I learned my lesson. He didn't want to deal with a girl that had trust issues for no reason. I was giving him hell due to my own insecurities. What I also learned was that this guy was straight with me on what he wanted and what he would not tolerate as far as my jealousy antics were concerned. He didn't go behind my back and keep things from me in fear that I would be jealous. He was always honest and up front. That's what a man should be! As for you - jealous streak or not...it does not give him the right to piss out on communication and downright LIE to you. No excuse. But I would caution you in your next relationship (if it gets to that) to check yourself before you look at the guy's texts or emails. And don't say "well I caught the last guy with emails so I'll catch this guy too" it's very unhealthy behavior. Address your jealousy streak and get with a guy that's open and honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 I'm remembering now when he started exhibiting untrustworthiness the one ex he was just recently emailing he called and texted her 6 months after moving in with me. When I called her at first she said she didnt know who he was although they spoke twice for 15 minutes each time. When I asked HIM who the number belonged to he said his boss's wife. So then I had a feeling he was going to call her again...I checked the cell phone record and he had talked to her for like 3 minutes...I had a feeling if I called her again that she would say that her husband is his friend. So I called and guess what? That's exactly what she said. So he took those few minutes to call her and say, hey if my girlfriend calls, tell her you're my boss wife. Can you BELIEVE that?!?! I mean, is that sketchy? So do you think that the lipstick, weird semen stains, the fact that he carried baby wipes to clean himself, the fact that he was texting emailing ex's. Not just one but TWO and saying they were harmless. So now I'm wondering if it's me that has an issue. And I need to forgive him, believe him and move on with him? I just don't know what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I'm remembering now when he started exhibiting untrustworthiness the one ex he was just recently emailing he called and texted her 6 months after moving in with me. When I called her at first she said she didnt know who he was although they spoke twice for 15 minutes each time. When I asked HIM who the number belonged to he said his boss's wife. So then I had a feeling he was going to call her again...I checked the cell phone record and he had talked to her for like 3 minutes...I had a feeling if I called her again that she would say that her husband is his friend. So I called and guess what? That's exactly what she said. So he took those few minutes to call her and say, hey if my girlfriend calls, tell her you're my boss wife. Can you BELIEVE that?!?! I mean, is that sketchy? So do you think that the lipstick, weird semen stains, the fact that he carried baby wipes to clean himself, the fact that he was texting emailing ex's. Not just one but TWO and saying they were harmless. So now I'm wondering if it's me that has an issue. And I need to forgive him, believe him and move on with him? I just don't know what to do? are you not reading here? dump his sorry a$$! Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Srsly - we can't make the decision for you but dump him. Between the jealousy streak you have AND checking his emails AND not trusting anything he says...what is left? How will you ever trust him again? You'll be setting yourself up for misery if you stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacredheart Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 If I learn to get trust back in line is it worth trying? Do you think I'm overracting by leaving him? Could it have been friendship? That's all I wanna know... Link to post Share on other sites
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