omgtv Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 So here's the deal. I've been on OkCupid for a little while, have sent more than 50 messages, and have gotten *1* response. I have to believe that something is wrong with my profile, or the messages I'm sending. (Either that, or OkCupid is so guy-heavy in San Francisco that this happens to everyone. But 1/50 seems pretty extreme.) Let's start with my profile: any obvious red flags or turn-offs? Any non-obvious things that turn *you* off? Could the photos be better? (People do generally look at my profile after reading my messages, for what it's worth.) http://bit.ly/jKQYSj If there aren't enough issues with my profile, I'd be happy to copy/paste some messages to get feedback on those. Thanks everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Anxiety Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 You like Justin Beiber? There it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 The swearing... that is a huge red flag.. and get rid of the Beiber stuff.. and the you tube link of Beiber has to go..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author omgtv Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 Thanks guys. Bieber reference/link is gone. Swearing is gone. Much appreciated. (I can usually get away with these things in real life, and people find it entertaining: but it sounds like I need to tone down the weirdness online.) Anything else? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I like it.. you sound funny.. that is important, women love funny guys.. and you sound like a good time to spend an evening with.. Do you send scripted emails ? Link to post Share on other sites
SnowandStars Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Why can't guys like you live around here? Seems like the coolest guys I have seen on there live so far away. I actually like your profile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author omgtv Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) I like it.. you sound funny.. that is important, women love funny guys.. and you sound like a good time to spend an evening with.. Do you send scripted emails ? I rarely send scripted messages. But because of my general lack-of-responses, I try to make my messages stand out: and maybe that's my problem. Maybe I go too overboard. Some examples: (And yes, I'll tone down the swearing going forward. Whoops.) ~~ [in response to a girl who said she likes to "frolic".] You're a frolicker? I thought only bunnies frolicked! This is news to me that human beings can partake. And frankly, it's worrisome news: because nothing is special about bunnies, anymore! Please help me deal with this news. I'm quite upset, and it's your fault. Frolicker. ~~ [in response to a girl who said she likes animals, but not in a "creepy hoarder" way.] I have to admit: I'm skeptical that your love of animals isn't in a "creepy hoarder" way. You see, just last night, I saw someone who looks *just* like you running away from a kennel holding 3 huge (and full) garbage bags. And if that wasn't enough, she (you?) was screaming: "AHHHH!! YES!!! MY LOVES!!! WE WILL BE TOGETHER AT LAST!!!" Oh, and I heard barking. Lots of barking. Coming from the bags. So, yeah. A little creeped out, over here. Should I not be? ~~ [in response to a girl who said her curly hair was out of control.] You have curly hair! Hooray! My Jewish parents will be super excited. On that note, how do you feel about meeting them? [Their names]. Awesome people. I've told them all about you, and I think they'd love you. (But if you turn your hair into a Jew-fro, they'll be even more pleased. Just a heads up.) ~~ [in response to a girl who wants to meet a guy who will challenge her awesome meter.] I'm going to challenge your awesome meter: right here, right now! ... Wait. I need to actually *have* your awesome meter in order to measure myself with it. Can you FedEx that **** over? ~~ [in response to a girl who says she likes to slash tires.] Holy ****! You're the ****ing girl who just ran through my neighborhood and slashed everyone's tires! What the ****?! Where did you come from? Why did you do that? OMG! What the hell?!?! Edited May 1, 2011 by omgtv Link to post Share on other sites
Author omgtv Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 Ok, it's one thing to be funny(that is good), but I think it would get boring real fast to be with someone who literally has to be funny and joke ALL the time. I'm a guy though but that's just a theory. I'm not sure if there's a concrete suggestion here, or whether you're referring to my profile or my messages. Can you clarify? (But for what it's worth, I consider myself fairly good at balancing my ridiculousness with a deeper side. And at, well, listening.) Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 (But for what it's worth, I consider myself fairly good at balancing my ridiculousness with a deeper side. And at, well, listening.) Perhaps it's an idea to add that to your profile? Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 It seems very flippant and trying to hard to be witty. Some wit is good; too much seems fake. Online dating already feels a little bit fake anyway---no need to make it even more so. You also didn't answer every question, particularly the quite important "You should message me if" Your pictures all have the same goofy expression. Mix it up a bit. Talk about other things besides just dancing. You like dancing. We get it. But you don't seem like a real or well-rounded person from this. All of that said, supposedly as a guy, you're never going to get most people you message to write you back. I know a few who've had great success, but they're pretty awesome guys (cute enough and with awesome personalities---I'm not sure they're cuter than you, but they definitely had more layers to their profiles that described the awesome, authentic person they are). Maybe show a friend --- particularly a female friend --- this profile and see what she would add. Link to post Share on other sites
calendula74 Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I like your second photo better. Maybe use that as your main photo? Link to post Share on other sites
Author omgtv Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 It seems very flippant and trying to hard to be witty. Some wit is good; too much seems fake. Online dating already feels a little bit fake anyway---no need to make it even more so. You also didn't answer every question, particularly the quite important "You should message me if" Your pictures all have the same goofy expression. Mix it up a bit. Talk about other things besides just dancing. You like dancing. We get it. But you don't seem like a real or well-rounded person from this. All of that said, supposedly as a guy, you're never going to get most people you message to write you back. I know a few who've had great success, but they're pretty awesome guys (cute enough and with awesome personalities---I'm not sure they're cuter than you, but they definitely had more layers to their profiles that described the awesome, authentic person they are). Maybe show a friend --- particularly a female friend --- this profile and see what she would add. Thank you, zengirl! This is awesome feedback! I actually consider myself a very deep thinker, but it's really hard to inject that into a profile without sounding conceited and forced. In the past, I've brought up the bigger questions that I grapple with constantly: questions about psychology, ethics, philanthropy, etc. I've also been really into meditation, lately: it's amazing to *watch* my own thoughts without participating in them. I was hoping that keeping the profile simple and light would reflect how I come across *initially* in real life. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Women don't message guys first so why should any guy even bother answer that question? .... you actually have a very good point.. I can't believe I said that... The problem is that your profile should be complete.. it gives you more validity... Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Thank you, zengirl! This is awesome feedback! I actually consider myself a very deep thinker, but it's really hard to inject that into a profile without sounding conceited and forced. In the past, I've brought up the bigger questions that I grapple with constantly: questions about psychology, ethics, philanthropy, etc. I've also been really into meditation, lately: it's amazing to *watch* my own thoughts without participating in them. I was hoping that keeping the profile simple and light would reflect how I come across *initially* in real life. Thoughts? I think the best profiles seem to not try to "describe" themselves but just try to describe what they do and what they like. The trap people fall into is wanting some description of who they are as a person up there, and the best way to fail at that is to try to do it. The best description of you is going to come if you write about the things you usually do, your general likes, your habits, etc. Certainly you need to complete all the sections. Don't try or not try to sound too "deep" at first. Really, you have hardly anything up there, and most of it is just you trying to sound clever. You need to first start with a real authentic answer to each question. And no quibbling over the words -- like you do with "good." Just list some normal, true things you're good at. If you're really not good at anything, 1 response out of 50 is pretty good. A human being with no talents whatsoever is pretty rare. Link to post Share on other sites
calendula74 Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I would say probably most people struggle with trying to find a balance between being light heart-ed and trying to convey what they are like in everyday life.... It's hard to get that on an one page profile. Most people I know, myself included, laugh about writing these things...I mean does anyone like writing their own profile? But it's got to be done, with as much earnestness as you can stomach. I think you probably have a good sense of humor, don't loose that completely, but do add some everyday type of stuff too. maybe loose the stuff about mom and dad. Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) Thank you, zengirl! This is awesome feedback! I actually consider myself a very deep thinker, but it's really hard to inject that into a profile without sounding conceited and forced. In the past, I've brought up the bigger questions that I grapple with constantly: questions about psychology, ethics, philanthropy, etc. I've also been really into meditation, lately: it's amazing to *watch* my own thoughts without participating in them. I was hoping that keeping the profile simple and light would reflect how I come across *initially* in real life. Thoughts? I think I'd just tone it down a bit as far as humour goes. Honestly, I'm not sure internet dating profiles are the best place to be telling a lot of jokes haha. Standup comedy, kickin it old school with friends, etc. all seem like better places. I had the best responses when I portrayed myself as a certain persona that women tend-towards. I went with nerdy (I have an engineering degree so it wasn't hard to cast myself as the stereotypical nerd). So you could do that, and see if any girls bite. There may be some kind of girl-magazine that has a list of "types of guys" they like. Then just fit yourself into that type. The "badboy" seems like another one some women would go for (if you can pull it off). Your messages seem like the same problem. Too much attention too early. I wouldn't be surprised if the girls wondered why you liked them so much (I think they translate this directly into "he just wants to have sex with me" in their brain. Seems to be the trend if you talk to them). example: girl "Some guy 'liked' me but he clearly just wanted to have sex with me" me "why do you say that?" girl "Well he would only talk to me when he was drunk. So obviously that's the reason. When he's sober he didn't wnt anything to do with me, and that's why he didn't talk to me." me "couldn't another answer for this be he was too nervous to talk to you when he was sober, but got courage when he was drunk" girl "Oh no he was plenty confident" lol.... uhhh.. Haha then I just pointed out she wasn't describing someone who was ACTING confident. Eventually we spun in so many circles I just said lets talk about something else. Edited May 1, 2011 by dispatch3d Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Women don't message guys first so why should any guy even bother answer that question? I do, but I look at that section even when considering messaging someone back. Generally it's where people describe what they're looking for with using the site. Very important. I messaged a guy first just yesterday on OKC. And have done so several times in the past. I've also had male friends who used the site and got messages from gals without ever writing anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Women don't message guys first so why should any guy even bother answer that question? Oh dear. I'm going to have to agree with waynebrady. What do I have to do as penance for this? Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 So here's the deal. I've been on OkCupid for a little while, have sent more than 50 messages, and have gotten *1* response. I normally get about 1 reply for 10 messages sent, but I'm currently on a zero for 40 streak (and not even any "no thanks" replies) and I'm hoping it's just a statistical blip (2 holiday weekends in a row). In your profile you're obviously going for humour, which can be a very subjective thing, so how are you selecting who you contact? Is there something about their profiles that makes you think they would like that style? (I see lots of profiles where women are asking for a man who will make them laugh, including one today that said "must be able to make me laugh every day" which I passed on as I couldn't see what she was offering in return for my comic services.) Also, you speak more than one language but both of them "poorly". If I was reading a profile looking for reasons to reject it, this would give me concern: How am I going to communicate with a potential date if all the languages they speak are only spoken poorly? (Or did I misread that? I've closed the window now.) Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Yeah but what should guy say under "You should message me if" when every woman who reads it knows that they ain't gonna message him first anyway? It's just gonna look silly. If I made a profile I would just write "If I message you first" as an answer to that question. Haha, you may not agree but I think a guy putting this in his message me section may work on his behalf. If a guy wrote that. I think I would write him. Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Why? Lol... Or did you mean that you would write him off? No, I mean I would write him. Not write him off. I would take that he is joking and taking a stab at online dating and not taking it to serious. Haha it just seems like a light headed comment. Link to post Share on other sites
alethean Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) I rarely send scripted messages. But because of my general lack-of-responses, I try to make my messages stand out: and maybe that's my problem. Maybe I go too overboard. Some examples: (And yes, I'll tone down the swearing going forward. Whoops.) ~~ [in response to a girl who said she likes to "frolic".] You're a frolicker? I thought only bunnies frolicked! This is news to me that human beings can partake. And frankly, it's worrisome news: because nothing is special about bunnies, anymore! Please help me deal with this news. I'm quite upset, and it's your fault. Frolicker. ~~ [in response to a girl who said she likes animals, but not in a "creepy hoarder" way.] I have to admit: I'm skeptical that your love of animals isn't in a "creepy hoarder" way. You see, just last night, I saw someone who looks *just* like you running away from a kennel holding 3 huge (and full) garbage bags. And if that wasn't enough, she (you?) was screaming: "AHHHH!! YES!!! MY LOVES!!! WE WILL BE TOGETHER AT LAST!!!" Oh, and I heard barking. Lots of barking. Coming from the bags. So, yeah. A little creeped out, over here. Should I not be? ~~ [in response to a girl who said her curly hair was out of control.] You have curly hair! Hooray! My Jewish parents will be super excited. On that note, how do you feel about meeting them? [Their names]. Awesome people. I've told them all about you, and I think they'd love you. (But if you turn your hair into a Jew-fro, they'll be even more pleased. Just a heads up.) ~~ [in response to a girl who wants to meet a guy who will challenge her awesome meter.] I'm going to challenge your awesome meter: right here, right now! ... Wait. I need to actually *have* your awesome meter in order to measure myself with it. Can you FedEx that **** over? ~~ [in response to a girl who says she likes to slash tires.] Holy ****! You're the ****ing girl who just ran through my neighborhood and slashed everyone's tires! What the ****?! Where did you come from? Why did you do that? OMG! What the hell?!?! I have a weird sense of humor myself, so I did find a lot of your messages (and your profile) funny. But I do know some who would be "OMG. Ewww, weirdo" at your messages. Secondly, although I might find your messages funny, I wouldn't know how to respond to those. Like the message on slashing tires and the one about the girl sneaking dogs in trash bags (wtf?? where do you get some of this stuff from? lol). Ohh, and be careful on the swearing. I don't swear around "mixed company." I'm not opposed to it when my friends swear, but if someone who I had initially "met" (including online) swears, I think that they can't control their mouths in general. And do you speak Hebrew as "poorly" as you speak English? Because if you do, that's so awesome. I love bilingualism. Anyway, I'd date you. Too bad I don't live in SF though. Edited May 2, 2011 by alethean b/c it's my 101st post! :) Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 From your profile you seem outgoing and upbeat, and you’re cute. You’re creative as well, which is a plus. However, I’d be nervous about going out with you. Frankly, you scare me. I can picture you doing a crazy dance, making crazy faces, in an inappropriate place while I sit there horrified. From your photos, you seem very animated, which can come off as goofy and corny. You seem like you have a lot of energy, which can come off as, oh no, he’s going to do something embarrassing and there’s no stopping him. We get that you have a sense of humor. Can you have a conversation without making a joke/trying to be witty? Maybe, but your profile suggests not. There’s a childish and chaotic element to your profile. This might be turning off some women. Women want to date a man, not a precocious, hyperactive child. Tone this down some and then it'll be great. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 However, I’d be nervous about going out with you. Frankly, you scare me. I can picture you doing a crazy dance, making crazy faces, in an inappropriate place while I sit there horrified. From your photos, you seem very animated, which can come off as goofy and corny. You seem like you have a lot of energy, which can come off as, oh no, he’s going to do something embarrassing and there’s no stopping him. We get that you have a sense of humor. Can you have a conversation without making a joke/trying to be witty? Maybe, but your profile suggests not. Good point, and I agree 100%. I think online dating has a good amount of "Oh, God, what could happen if . . ." in it, so red flags become bigger. If I see the slightest hint of drama brewing (and an overly goofy guy who was hyperactive and only spoke in quips = drama), I wouldn't meet someone from online or even really converse with him; it's just not worth it. But then I'm drawn to more down-to-earth, introverted guys, so my opinion may not be as important on that. What kind of guys do you go for generally, iris219? Link to post Share on other sites
eerie_reverie Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Why I would not respond to your profile: 1. I hate dance parties 2. When I saw "MJ" in your intro, I thought you meant pot 3. You strike me as immature and hyperactive 4. You strike me as gay 5. You look goofy in your pictures Link to post Share on other sites
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