All this talk about friends makes me feel like I'm back in high school.

[DreamerGirl27]

[FONT=arial]"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

- C. S. Lewis

 

This is how I view friends. They are unnecessary. Awesome to have around, but unnecessary. Your SO on the other hand, is priceless and should be held higher than anyone else in your life. He/she is the most important person in your life. So, when I see posts about "he doesn't want me to have guy friends" and the people say to dump him then, I am appalled. If it's okay with your SO that you have opposite sex friends, then that's okay. I would find that weird, but that's my own personal opinion. Forget that. It's all about what's okay with your significant other and if it bothers him/her, then what's more important? The number of friends you have on your facebook account or the future mother/father of your kids?

 

Friendships are important. Your girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife is more important.

 

Priorities people, priorities!!

[/FONT]

[Mcnulty]

You contradict yourself frequently I've noted..."friendships are unnecessary" then at the end you say, "friendships are important"!!!!WTF!!!

 

I know my friends will be around for me come what may, through failed relationships, losing loved ones etc....Friends my dear, are for life, relationships come and go...statistics say so!!!!

[ASG]

I know my friends will be around for me come what may, through failed relationships, losing loved ones etc....Friends my dear, are for life, relationships come and go...statistics say so!!!!

 

THIS!

 

Which is why it is a deal breaker for me when someone tries to tell me who can and cannot be my friend.

 

My friends will be there for better or worse and I cultivate them. Some of them I've known all my life and will be in my life forever.

 

I once made the mistake of distancing myself from my friends, cause I was in a relationship. It wasn't intentional, I just didn't hang out with them much and lost some intimacy.

Then when my 2.5 year relationship came crashing down, I didn't feel I had anyone to turn to, cause I didn't feel I could open up about my problems with people who I felt were now more of acquaintances than friends.

Obviously they were still there for me when I reached out, but I still felt like I couldn't call them at all hours when I was feeling crappy.

[DreamerGirl27]

THIS!

 

Which is why it is a deal breaker for me when someone tries to tell me who can and cannot be my friend.

 

My friends will be there for better or worse and I cultivate them. Some of them I've known all my life and will be in my life forever.

 

I once made the mistake of distancing myself from my friends, cause I was in a relationship. It wasn't intentional, I just didn't hang out with them much and lost some intimacy.

Then when my 2.5 year relationship came crashing down, I didn't feel I had anyone to turn to, cause I didn't feel I could open up about my problems with people who I felt were now more of acquaintances than friends.

Obviously they were still there for me when I reached out, but I still felt like I couldn't call them at all hours when I was feeling crappy.

 

Oh darn, no one was there at 4 in the morning when you had a dire need to talk instead of sleep.

 

Cry me a river.

 

Your "friends" are few and far between. You both have it backwards. When you get married, it's your HUSBAND or WIFE who will always be there. Take it from a few very wise men...

 

"you have so many relationships in this life, only ONE or TWO will last."

 

Nobody ever has boat loads of friends forever, unless you're in high school. The older you get, the more your friend boat shrinks. It is much more important to look for and start a family than it is to try and keep friends. You're both being incredibly immature about the way you look at life.

[djhall]

DreamerGirl, I think you are taking either too broad a definition of "friends" or you have extremely shallow relationships in order to have this kind of outlook. Sure, there are people with 327 "friends" on their Facebook page, but that isn't what I mean when I talk about real friends or close friends.

 

My "friends" I can count on one hand, but they are the family I chose for myself instead of the family I was born into by chance. In that sense they are closer than family to me. We share deep lifelong bonds, my home is their home and their home is mine, if all I had in the world was a dollar and they had nothing then we'd each have fifty cents.

 

Husbands and wives come and go, as do boyfriends and girlfriends and lovers... but we will always be there for each other through it all, through anything, no matter what. Like family, only closer. Sorry, but I'm not going to throw all that away because someone wants to be selfish and isolate me from the whole rest of the world so I have no one else in my life for anything except them.... especially when that typically means they are going to turn out to be a nasty piece of work. People who love unselfishly don't try to separate you from the other people you love and who love you. Instead they welcome those people because they know those people make your life happier, richer, and more fulfilling and because they love you and want as much of that for you as possible they accept and appreciate those people as part of you and part of your life. Those that don't... that is a big bad warning sign that this relationship is going to go to hell.

[Flgirl44]

I don't think it's very healthy to put all of your eggs in one basket. It's not very balanced. Plus your friends are usually there for more genuine reasons than lovers and for that reason generally more reliable. Its much more enriching to the relationship for the partners to have healthy social lives I believe as well.

[DreamerGirl27]

DreamerGirl, I think you are taking either too broad a definition of "friends" or you have extremely shallow relationships in order to have this kind of outlook. Sure, there are people with 327 "friends" on their Facebook page, but that isn't what I mean when I talk about real friends or close friends.

 

My "friends" I can count on one hand, but they are the family I chose for myself instead of the family I was born into by chance. In that sense they are closer than family to me. We share deep lifelong bonds, my home is their home and their home is mine, if all I had in the world was a dollar and they had nothing then we'd each have fifty cents.

 

Husbands and wives come and go, as do boyfriends and girlfriends and lovers... but we will always be there for each other through it all, through anything, no matter what. Like family, only closer. Sorry, but I'm not going to throw all that away because someone wants to be selfish and isolate me from the whole rest of the world so I have no one else in my life for anything except them.... especially when that typically means they are going to turn out to be a nasty piece of work. People who love unselfishly don't try to separate you from the other people you love and who love you. Instead they welcome those people because they know those people make your life happier, richer, and more fulfilling and because they love you and want as much of that for you as possible they accept and appreciate those people as part of you and part of your life. Those that don't... that is a big bad warning sign that this relationship is going to go to hell.

 

Husbands and wives come and go??? What are you talking about? When you get married it's for life. You have it backwards. Friends come and go...husbands and wives are for life. Or at least they're supposed to be. I do not know one happily married couple who has boat loads of opposite sex friends.

[DreamerGirl27]

I don't think it's very healthy to put all of your eggs in one basket. It's not very balanced. Plus your friends are usually there for more genuine reasons than lovers and for that reason generally more reliable. Its much more enriching to the relationship for the partners to have healthy social lives I believe as well.

 

Are you high? On something? Drunk?

 

Or just really misconstrued?

 

Your lovers in your life you're supposed to hold at the HIGHEST regards, not the lowest. Your friends...who gives two cents about them? They come and go. Your future husband is supposed to be apart of your FAMILY now. Your other half. Your soul mate. Your partner in crime. The most important human being on the face of this planet to you.

 

You're gonna throw all that away because he or she might not want you to have friends of the opposite sex?

 

I'd give my left foot to have a serious boyfriend that was working towards marriage right now. I'd definitely get rid of a few high school "guy pals" if he wanted me to. Easily.

 

Chances are. Those high school "guy pals". Would get rid of me in a heartbeat for their future girlfriend's as well.

[D-Lish]

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

- C. S. Lewis

 

I think you missed the point. Lewis was trying to articulate that things like friendship aren't necessary to survive in the sense that we can survive physically without having them in our lives- but having those things in our lives enrich us and define us in ways that eating, sleeping and expelling waste simply can't do.

[thehead]

I think you missed the point. Lewis was trying to articulate that things like friendship aren't necessary to survive in the sense that we can survive physically without having them in our lives- but having those things in our lives enrich us and define us in ways that eating, sleeping and expelling waste simply can't do.

 

I tried to hint to her. She freaked on me. Then I read her posts and figured out shes just young. Im glad you explained it though because seems wrong she stay in the dark.

[djhall]

You have it backwards. Friends come and go...usbands and wives are for life. Or at least they're supposed to be.

 

No, I tried to explain it clearly. Friends, real friends, true friends, don't come and go. There aren't boatloads of them, no, but those core two or three, yeah, we love each other closer than actual family since we chose each other to love that way on purpose rather than just chance of birth. In that respect, that bond is every bit as strong as that of family and that of a spouse. To reject those friends is to reject my other family. That would hurt deeply, like losing a parent or a sibling. A true friend and partner wouldn't want to do that to you in the first place. If they do, you shouldn't marry the person, PERIOD. They don't love you. They can't love you, as they obviously don't value your happiness or your connection to anyone but themselves.

 

As for husbands and wives coming and going, yep, they do. Spouses die young and leave behind survivors. They have affairs, lie about them, and then confess only their affair partner is pregnant and they now have another child with someone other than their spouse. You're right, they are supposed to be for life, but it doesn't always work out that way. And when it doesn't WE are still there, through it all, providing support and comfort and understanding as someone who was there before, was there during, and is still there after, and will still be there in the future long after the spouse is gone.

 

As for the people you describe as friends, which I would consider more liek aquaintances, you sound extremely jealous and insecure. If you can't be secure in your relationship and your bond with your spouse unless you isolate them from all contact with other members of the opposite sex... well, that is beyond sad. It is like you are either incapable of believing that any man could or would be faithful unless you police them at all times or you are incapable of accepting that anyone else brings happiness and joy into your spouses life except you. Either way, neither is going to bring you the relationship you seem to think it will.

[dreamingoftigers]

You better keep those friends around....

Friends are damned important.

 

You'll notice that what you quoted didn't give any comparison to spouses etc.

[Flgirl44]

Are you high? On something? Drunk?

 

Or just really misconstrued?

 

Your lovers in your life you're supposed to hold at the HIGHEST regards, not the lowest. Your friends...who gives two cents about them? They come and go. Your future husband is supposed to be apart of your FAMILY now. Your other half. Your soul mate. Your partner in crime. The most important human being on the face of this planet to you.

 

You're gonna throw all that away because he or she might not want you to have friends of the opposite sex?

 

I'd give my left foot to have a serious boyfriend that was working towards marriage right now. I'd definitely get rid of a few high school "guy pals" if he wanted me to. Easily.

 

Chances are. Those high school "guy pals". Would get rid of me in a heartbeat for their future girlfriend's as well.

 

I could hang out with my friends more than my SO at the time and it wouldn't say anything about what regard I hold him in. He should trust that what we have is special and not be so intimidated by outside interactions.

 

It would be nice if husbands and lovers were like family, but that is not reality. You don't have sex with your family or your friends. See how long you could not have sex with men in a romantic relationship and have them love you unconditionally. The love you get from real friends and family is unconditional, the love most spouses give each other is conditional.

 

Don't get me wrong im all about holding my partner and their opinions in very high regard I just don't think they should be the center of your world as it is very dangerous to put so much of your self worth and effort on another person.

 

My grandmother has friends at her church that have helped her out immeasurably. My grandfather passed away really young and she does not believe in finding another, her vows meant she was only for him even through death. Her friends are her life and what she looks forward to everyday. I can't imagine my grandfather, who loved her very much, ever wanting to take that away from her now or then.

 

Someone who loves you doesn't ask such things of the person they are with, I think that's the point people are trying to get at in this thread. You seem like a fellow idealist, so you should understand in an ideal loving relationship this sort of thing shouldn't happen.

[KikiW]

Honestly, at this stage in my life, EVERY relationship is subject to change. I spend time with people I feel like spending time with, but at this point just accept the fact that either they or I have moved on if we no longer spend time together.

 

I was married for 15 years and we had a VERY close circle of friends. I figured that was the way it was gonna be for the rest of my life. About 3 years ago, things changed. My husband and I separated, and despite our assurances that he and I were remaining friends, our circle began to gossip amongst themselves and us individually. People seemed to choose sides, or at least thrive on juicy news. Eventually my STBX and I had to "close ranks" and distance ourselves from the very people we thought we could trust most because of the incredibly hurtful things they did. We discovered agendas we had no idea other people had. Entering into new relationships seemed to intensify things - for a while, I thought everyone had reverted to 7th graders!

 

People change over time. Some grow, others remain stagnant, but often it never happens at the same pace, which ends up causing problems. I think it's natural, and the best thing to do is just enjoy the time you have with them when you have it.

[ASG]

Husbands and wives come and go??? What are you talking about? When you get married it's for life. You have it backwards. Friends come and go...husbands and wives are for life. Or at least they're supposed to be. I do not know one happily married couple who has boat loads of opposite sex friends.

 

Oh hello... Have you been paying attention to the world? With divorce rates being as high as 50%? Not to mention that more often than not people go trhough more than one relationship before they actually get married.

 

And even when everything is kinda perfect, accidents and disease can happen!

 

What will you do, if you marry someone, ditch all your friends, and then something happens? They leave you or die at a young age?

[DreamerGirl27]

Oh hello... Have you been paying attention to the world? With divorce rates being as high as 50%? Not to mention that more often than not people go trhough more than one relationship before they actually get married.

 

And even when everything is kinda perfect, accidents and disease can happen!

 

What will you do, if you marry someone, ditch all your friends, and then something happens? They leave you or die at a young age?

 

With the view everyone has about marriage and friends being more important than marriage, this is why divorce rate is 50% or higher. Your priorities are all screwed up.

 

And I got what it meant to the people way above all these posts. I was just making a point that you don't need to wipe your ass with your friends.

[djhall]

With the view everyone has about marriage and friends being more important than marriage, this is why divorce rate is 50% or higher. Your priorities are all screwed up.

 

And I got what it meant to the people way above all these posts. I was just making a point that you don't need to wipe your ass with your friends.

With all due respect, I think you are missing the point. You appear to come to this discussion with two fundamental assumptions:

 

1) All friends, or at least all friends of the opposite gender, are significantly less important, less valuable, less worthy, and less permanent than your spouse and your traditional family.

 

2) A marriage, while not diminished by having deep and permanent bonds to natural family members, is necessarily diminished or damaged by having deep and permanent bonds to "chosen family" or "closest friends", especiall if said persons are of the opposite gender.

 

What is being argued is that many reject one or both of those assumptions. Many do not see any supporting and convincing refutation to the notion that true lifelong friends are as valuable and permanent as "actual" family. Many also do not see any reason why those relationships must necesarily damage or weaken a marriage any more than children or siblings or parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and step-family do.

 

The biggest thing that does come out in your arguments is jealousy and insecurity. It appears these assumptions are based in an inability for you to be comfortable and secure knowing there are other women your husband is emotionally intimate with and who bring joy and richness into his life. I'm not sure why that is, but it is something I think you should at least consider.

[DreamerGirl27]

With all due respect, I think you are missing the point. You appear to come to this discussion with two fundamental assumptions:

 

1) All friends, or at least all friends of the opposite gender, are significantly less important, less valuable, less worthy, and less permanent than your spouse and your traditional family.

 

2) A marriage, while not diminished by having deep and permanent bonds to natural family members, is necessarily diminished or damaged by having deep and permanent bonds to "chosen family" or "closest friends", especially if said persons are of the opposite gender.

 

What is being argued is that many reject one or both of those assumptions. Many do not see any supporting and convincing refutation to the notion that true lifelong friends are as valuable and permanent as "actual" family. Many also do not see any reason why those relationships must necesarily damage or weaken a marriage any more than children or siblings or parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and step-family do.

 

The biggest thing that does come out in your arguments is jealousy and insecurity. It appears these assumptions are based in an inability for you to be comfortable and secure knowing there are other women your husband is emotionally intimate with and who bring joy and richness into his life. I'm not sure why that is, but it is something I think you should at least consider.

 

Why should or would I be okay with my husband being emotionally intimate with other women? That doesn't make any sense to me. You say it as if I'm just supposed to let it roll off my back.

 

My parents have been married for 26 years, my entire life and together for 30 and ya know what they did. My dad expected my mom to drop all her opposite sex friends and ya know what she did. She did it, because she loved my dad. Even if she hadn't, when you get married you tend to lose all your friends anyway. Most people for some reason can't get over this because they are still stuck in their high school days.

 

It is not the norm to have your parents still be together in today's society, but I know why they are and it's because they do not hang out with a ton of other friends. They have family they hang out with, my mom has a best friend she sees regularly. A best FEMALE friend.

 

I don't know why it's so hard to fathom that I would not want my significant other to be "emotionally intimate" with other women. Emotional intimacy, in this life, is meant to be between 2 people, not 6 or 7 or 4.

 

There is no marriage in Heaven. I wanna celebrate marriage while on Earth.

 

I want a guy that has me on his mind 24/7 and wants to be with me 24/8. That is pretty much how it works when you meet someone you like. All you think about is them and you want to spend all your time with them that the thought of spending it with anyone else doesn't even cross your mind.

 

Doesn't that happen to people anymore, or are we all too busy wanting to hang out with each other and party on the weekends like we did while in high school and our early twenties?

 

I feel so much older and mature than the majority of everybody I know. The most mature people I know are other Christians. There's no drama in their lives.

[Vixen Gemma]

Good luck having no friends then. Whatever drives you; religion, prospect of a future husband to-be, parents, it doesn't matter to me. It'll matter to only you, right? So, whatever. That's your view and I respect it. Just seriously, good luck, you're going to need it.

 

Me, I love having friends. They make me less of an uptight, negative, offensive person like some people I've heard, seen, or read about. It's a pity for anyone who has to justify something as simple as choosing not to have friends. Freedom of speech I assume. People who can't handle friends just can't deal with a lot of things, that sucks for them.

 

It's your personal choice, go for it. I could never be like you, your ideas are robotic, they sound so old world and yet in the old world when marriage didn't have a divorce rate of 50% or not even 1% married individuals still had friends. So it's not so old world, sounds like an occult built only for two. But I'm judging here, let's move on.

 

I care enough to write my own opinions, because I like to talk about myself and my views - like you did

[SpiralOut]

Friendships are important. Your girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife is more important.

Priorities people, priorities!!

 

What does it matter to you if other people have different priorities than you? The beauty of the world is that not everyone is going to think the same way.

 

You are more than welcome to have your own opinion. That is fine if your husband matters more to you than anyone else.

 

I am confused by this need that you have for other people to agree with you.

[Cee]

When my father was dying, my mother was surrounded by a circle of her closest friends. It took him about 12 hours to die at home and those friends at his bedside were very comforting to my mom and I. My friends came to the funeral.

 

Dreamer Girl, I feel bad for you to be so cavalier about friendship. Life on this earth is transient. And the more caring people we have in our lives the better.

 

There's no reason to not have a SO and friends. Love is abundant. The more love you give, the more love that is available to receive.

[DreamerGirl27]

It's not so much just friends, it's more their gender. I would have a problem with a guy who spent a lot of time with girls and a girl who had a lot of guy friends. I don't believe men and women can be just friends and there is always an ulterior motive.

 

I'm a girl and I do not have the problem of having more guy friends than girls. I have the exact opposite problem. Most of my close friends are all girls and this makes sense to me. I am not comfortable hanging around a bunch of guys and I can't get into the mindset of girls who are. I don't find other girls catty and dramatic and guys able to just "chill". I find to have a lot in common with women because I am one. Guys, not so much. The only thing I have in common with guys is the ones that I find ugly want to date me and the ones that I find attractive I want to date. That's about it for having things in common with guys.

 

It's this feeling of men and women are equal in every way shape and form is what bugs me. Because they're not. Men and women are not equal. They are different. There. I said it.

 

Now let's hear the backlash....

[SpiralOut]

I am still confused about why you care if women choose to have male friends. In what way does that have an effect on you?

[DreamerGirl27]

I care when they say they have more in common with them. This is false.

[PratyekaYana]

So, when I see posts about "he doesn't want me to have guy friends" and the people say to dump him then, I am appalled.

 

It's less an issue of having guy friends than it is a factor of self-determination, trust, and ultimately compatibility. If the partner in question has always maintained friends of the opposite sex prior to meeting his or her significant other, then that is said partner's will for the direction of his or her life. What right does the significant other have to intrude upon that unless it affects the quality of the relationship? This is also where trust comes in. If the opposite sex friendship shows no signs of being inappropriate, then there is no reason to bark at its presence.

 

There's also the chance that none of that matters to you and that you're absolutely dead set against opposite-sex friendships in which case you need to find someone who is compatible with your worldview.

 

 

If it's okay with your SO that you have opposite sex friends, then that's okay. I would find that weird, but that's my own personal opinion. Forget that. It's all about what's okay with your significant other and if it bothers him/her, then what's more important?

 

I would find it a little unsettling to have my significant other rendering judgment on my social circle, but, as stated before, this highlights the issue of compatibility. Find a man that thinks as you do.

 

The number of friends you have on your facebook account or the future mother/father of your kids?

 

What about the friendships that run a little deeper than Facebook? What of lifelong friends, or friends that have been there to support you in desperate times, or friends that have endured all sorts of hardship with you without wavering? What about friends in the deepest sense of the word friendship? How do they stack up?