STBX now wants to start dating ME

[jstobo]

I have another thread titled "my Wife is no longer in love with me" that started in February. It's the typical story. Discovered EA, got the ILYBINILWY speech. 4 months later, we are in separate homes and mediating our divorce.

 

Last week my STBX starts showing some different behaviors. Her family also made a behavioral change. When I asked her what was going on, she said she has become unsure about things and asked if we could get together for dinner without the kids. I accepted the invitation. We made plans to go to dinner Monday night.

 

When I dropped the kids off today, I asked what she wanted to do. She said go out, but I thought it may be risky going to a restaurant for our first get together. The last thing I need is to have her tell me the reasons we aren't together anymore and have it turn into a bad situation. When I voiced that concern, it caused us to have the discussion tonight.

 

Basically, she feels we have grown a lot over the last month and she wants to see if she can get to know the new person I have become. I thought that sounded good. But I told her, I couldn't do that if other people were going to be involved. I didn't feel we could progress if she felt the need to keep her options open. It's wanting your cake and eat it too. She couldn't agree to that. So I couldn't agree to dinner and dating.

 

The couple of friends I have discussed this with said I should go on the date and see what happens. Be confident and win her over and she won't want to date anyone else. What do younall think?

[You Go Girl]

Maybe you're a stronger person than most people, but I sure wouldn't want the dating others option open.

It could set you up for real heartbreak, all OVER AGAIN, if she decided, naw, I think I'll go with the other guy...just when you had reopened your heart and become vulnerable again.

You did the right thing. Either she still loves you or she doesn't. There's no gray areas there.

Let her mull it over. I'm guessing she is going to accept your conditions, just give her a week or so.

[change]

Oh, that's a tough one.

 

If my wife and I DO start dating each other, I have a feeling that this is exactly what she will propose as well. And I've already told her that I would say yes to it.

 

Does it scare the **** out of me? Yes. Do I want to be directly competing with others for my wife's attention? No.

 

But I believe that I have changed and will continue to grow over the next couple months into a new person that she would be incredibly happy to have in her life. I am confident that given the opportunity, I could win her back -- as your friends suggest. You have the advantage of knowing her well, of the shared history.

 

If I were you, I'd be saying yes.

 

But then again, maybe that's only because it's the exact situation that I'm hoping happens to me in the next three months.

[Steadfast]

I would have told her thanks but no thanks the first time. Seriously. You were/are married to this woman and now you're wondering if you can win her affections? To be frank, that's more insulting that having her ignore you completely. Some character on her part should indicate enough respect to be either fully in, or out. This is sour.

 

Unless she says "I'm sorry, I love you and I'll do everything I can to save our marriage" then you have nothing. Just another player in rotation.

 

Concentrate and learn from these things to make you a better, stronger, more insightful person. Don't discount the importance of longing desire. That's what your woman should feel for you...not lukewarm wondering or toe-dipping. Don't settle.

 

Pass.

[osurmin]

Unless she says "I'm sorry, I love you and I'll do everything I can to save our marriage" then you have nothing. Just another player in rotation.

 

quoted for truth

 

She needs to proving to you that she is commited to repairing your marriage - her actions arent saying that. Its positive sign, but she needs to commit fully.

[OldOnTheInside]

Basically, she feels we have grown a lot over the last month and she wants to see if she can get to know the new person I have become. I thought that sounded good. But I told her, I couldn't do that if other people were going to be involved. I didn't feel we could progress if she felt the need to keep her options open. It's wanting your cake and eat it too. She couldn't agree to that. So I couldn't agree to dinner and dating.

 

You don't want this situation. She does. What else needs to be said OP?

 

Just keep working on yourself.

[mark982]

smells like somethings not going good with her om, and needs a backup plan, and that's you! as another poster said, unless she's willing to commit 100% up front to the marriage, just laugh in her face and move on.

[Yasuandio]

There is only one basackwards post, that sadly demonstrates how desparate one might appear when willing to tolerate such curcumstances.

 

With this one exception, I just really am impressed by all of these well grounded responses. I can't think of anything better to add!!

[change]

What Yas says is true. I don't like that its true, but it is.

[just_some_guy]

Is it a dinner-date, or a dinner and let's talk with civility and see how things are?

 

You have to decide what is right for you. If you want to work it out or leave it behind you. If you're undecided, then it won't hurt to talk, on neutral ground somewhere, provided that the two of you are capable of doing so without making a scene.

 

The other option is to get into counseling, which may be a better option, especially if things are more likely to get heated.

 

I agree though, that "dating" is completely out, if dating means you and other people. Dating would mean, "let's see if we can make this work" by committing to make it work to the best of your (both) ability. Can't do that if there are third-parties in the wings.

 

If you can talk, then go have a talk at dinner or a counseling session. I would not sleep with her, or have an open-ended time on the deal. Make a commitment up front, dinner is over at 9pm or whatever and there's no sleeping together, each go home to his and her own beds.

[Yasuandio]

Nice try at middle ground, just some guy. However, clearly contra-indicated by common sense. Jstobo, even "change" folded on this one, and he is desparate (but I believe learned through the process! Bravo, Change! :bunny:). I have observed JSG tick off intellectual/confrontational (and I do mean slash) dialogue just for the heck of it. I could easily rip him to shreads in two seconds. However, really serves no purpose to waste my valuable energy, especially when the conclusion is so effing obvious. Duh.

[Yasuandio]

What Yas says is true. I don't like that its true, but it is.

 

Change, It took guts to see this. Congratulations! You are beginning to grow. I am encouraged by your post.:bunny::bunny:

 

Bunnies indicate success!

[jstobo]

We had our date tonight

Very nice date. We got wine, sushi and some tumblers and went down to the beach. I really treated it like it was a first date. She was very guarded. I didn't sense any "chemistry" between us. Kind of like a date you go on and youncan tell there just isn't any attraction. But we had dinner none the less and watched the sun go down together. It ws nice. We walked back to my car and she got in. I felt the need to take it to a physical level, so I pulled her out of the car and gave her a hug and a few kisses. She kissed back, but they didn't feel real passionate. So we talked some more. I told her I wanted her to show me more affection. She had expressed to me earlier in the day the things that bothered her and what I needed to work on. I felt it was appropriate for me to tell her some things I needed from her. She responded with, if things progress between us, she will work on those things. That didn't give me a warm feeling inside.

 

I drove her home and we both agreed it was a nice evening. I didn't ask when we would get together again or anything. I'm going back to LC. My current thoughts are, that no matter how much I love this woman, she is not someone who wants to make me happy. She's mostly interested in what makes her happy. I could feel differently 5 minutes from now. We'll see.

[Yasuandio]

I stand corrected Just Some Guy. My mood was especially negative yesterday, and I ran my big mouth too much. Once again, I apologize. Please excuse me. The style was cetaingly uncalled for. Y

[just_some_guy]

I stand corrected Just Some Guy. My mood was especially negative yesterday, and I ran my big mouth too much. Once again, I apologize. Please excuse me. The style was cetaingly uncalled for. Y

 

I call 'em a I see 'em Yas.

 

I don't run off stuff attempting to troll. I have my emotional moments too and some things really hit me the wrong way. I'm sensitive to alcohol and drug abuse and violence, because *I* have been affected by other's drinking and drugging. My childhood was no picnic either, although drugs nor alcohol played a part in that.

 

Honestly, I just don't care if it pee's you off or not. Nor do I give two shakes what you think of me.

 

My suggestion for jstobo was not milquetoast, middle ground, but a strategic positioning to aim for best outcomes, should he wish to work on the relationship.

[just_some_guy]

I'm going back to LC. My current thoughts are, that no matter how much I love this woman, she is not someone who wants to make me happy. She's mostly interested in what makes her happy. I could feel differently 5 minutes from now. We'll see.

 

That can be a healthy perspective too. It sort of depends on what you mean by happy. If it means getting needs met, and working on arriving at a whole, healthy and balanced emotional state with oneself, that's a good thing.

 

If you were both working on that, taking care of yourselves, wouldn't that be a better and more solid premise for a marriage?

 

What are you doing to reach that goal for yourself?

[change]

That can be a healthy perspective too. It sort of depends on what you mean by happy. If it means getting needs met, and working on arriving at a whole, healthy and balanced emotional state with oneself, that's a good thing.

 

If you were both working on that, taking care of yourselves, wouldn't that be a better and more solid premise for a marriage?

 

What are you doing to reach that goal for yourself?

 

I agree with JSG here.

 

It does depend on what "happy" means.

 

I was in a marriage that was one whole person and one half person (me) attempting to be healthy, happy and solid. That sucked the life from the marriage and from my wife.

 

I'm trying to make myself happy right now. My wife is trying to see what makes her happy right now. Unfortunately, in our situation, due to the years that she ignored her own happiness to try to bolster mine -- it means that she needs to completely ignore me and my feelings for now. I sincerely hope that changes and does not continue to be a part of her doing what makes her "happy."

 

Do you think your wife is looking to explore your relationship from a place of wholeness and happiness (two individuals looking at the potential to reconcile)? Or, do you mean her happiness to be of the utterly selfish kind ("what's in it for me")?

[jstobo]

Wow, you have all given me quite a bit to ponder. I'm not sure what makes me happy. That's something I need to address in IC. Maybe that is my problem. I'm looking too much for her to make me happy, when the fact of the matter is, I'm not happy with myself. Holy s***!

 

I think my Wife woke up one day and realized she was never going to make me happy. Right now she is showing me the woman who wants to be with me, but is not going to be the source of my happiness. Right now, that is really hard for me to take, but I'm thinking I just realized something really big.

 

I need to find my own happiness first!!

[ShatteredReality]

Wow, you have all given me quite a bit to ponder. I'm not sure what makes me happy. That's something I need to address in IC. Maybe that is my problem. I'm looking too much for her to make me happy, when the fact of the matter is, I'm not happy with myself. Holy s***!

 

I think my Wife woke up one day and realized she was never going to make me happy. Right now she is showing me the woman who wants to be with me, but is not going to be the source of my happiness. Right now, that is really hard for me to take, but I'm thinking I just realized something really big.

 

I need to find my own happiness first!!

 

K. Wasn't gonna post. But had to. You just worded what I have been trying to get across to you in my short novels. YAY!! You've come so far and keep coming farther - and I need to take a lesson...you did in two paragraphs what I couldn't do in 50 pages...LOL....You have to be happy with yourself or these changes won't ever be permanent!

[jstobo]

K. Wasn't gonna post. But had to. You just worded what I have been trying to get across to you in my short novels. YAY!! You've come so far and keep coming farther - and I need to take a lesson...you did in two paragraphs what I couldn't do in 50 pages...LOL....You have to be happy with yourself or these changes won't ever be permanent!

 

I have to take baby steps with this, so I can't get too ahead of myself. But I feel like this weight has been lifted. I enjoy reading a lot, I enjoy playing sports a lot, I enjoy just sitting at the beach, I enjoy running, I enjoy politics and I enjoy marketing. I haven't been doing any of that for myself. What a boring person I must have become. I used to play tennis and softball every week. I haven't done that in years. I have a lot to do.

[ShatteredReality]

I have to take baby steps with this, so I can't get too ahead of myself. But I feel like this weight has been lifted. I enjoy reading a lot, I enjoy playing sports a lot, I enjoy just sitting at the beach, I enjoy running, I enjoy politics and I enjoy marketing. I haven't been doing any of that for myself. What a boring person I must have become. I used to play tennis and softball every week. I haven't done that in years. I have a lot to do.

 

When I began this I started very simple. I read a novel. When that was done (much quicker than I had thought it would be) I read another...then I eventually took on other things that I enjoy. I took a class I had been putting off for years. I read another book. Now I read a book every month to every other, I have a few computer games that I enjoy when the weather bites, I have a dance class I attend regularly, I bake for various functions and get togethers and I offer to cook for people in hard times - if a friend loses a loved one, had surgery, or even has a baby I will make them dinner and bring it to them to give them a night where they don't have to worry about these things. All things I neglected because I was too busy trying (and failing) to make my husband happy. Eventually I realized I can only enhance his life...I cannot be the sole source of happiness. And we do things together now of course...but yeah...had to start small....so start small....read a book...go for a run....go play tennis this Saturday...then do it again next Saturday....pick any one thing and then add the rest later one at a time...and include your wife where you can when you can, but ultimately...she is learning to do that for herself right now and eventually you two maybe can merge some of the things that make you happy as individuals.

[just_some_guy]

Wow, you have all given me quite a bit to ponder. I'm not sure what makes me happy. That's something I need to address in IC. Maybe that is my problem. I'm looking too much for her to make me happy, when the fact of the matter is, I'm not happy with myself. Holy s***!

 

I think my Wife woke up one day and realized she was never going to make me happy. Right now she is showing me the woman who wants to be with me, but is not going to be the source of my happiness. Right now, that is really hard for me to take, but I'm thinking I just realized something really big.

 

I need to find my own happiness first!!

 

Bingo. Right on target.

[whichwayisup]

I have another thread titled "my Wife is no longer in love with me" that started in February. It's the typical story. Discovered EA, got the ILYBINILWY speech. 4 months later, we are in separate homes and mediating our divorce.

 

Last week my STBX starts showing some different behaviors. Her family also made a behavioral change. When I asked her what was going on, she said she has become unsure about things and asked if we could get together for dinner without the kids. I accepted the invitation. We made plans to go to dinner Monday night.

 

When I dropped the kids off today, I asked what she wanted to do. She said go out, but I thought it may be risky going to a restaurant for our first get together. The last thing I need is to have her tell me the reasons we aren't together anymore and have it turn into a bad situation. When I voiced that concern, it caused us to have the discussion tonight.

 

Basically, she feels we have grown a lot over the last month and she wants to see if she can get to know the new person I have become. I thought that sounded good. But I told her, I couldn't do that if other people were going to be involved. I didn't feel we could progress if she felt the need to keep her options open. It's wanting your cake and eat it too. She couldn't agree to that. So I couldn't agree to dinner and dating.

 

The couple of friends I have discussed this with said I should go on the date and see what happens. Be confident and win her over and she won't want to date anyone else. What do younall think?

 

LOL you are still the same person, yet in her eyes because you aren't chasing her, it's woken her up!

 

And, what about the OM? is he still in the picture?

 

DO NOT go on a date with her, it's pointless. She is unwilling to change herself, yet she wants you to change and bend to her and her needs. Forget that!

 

I think you should put the divorce on hold (don't tell her that, ask your lawyer to stall things) and just go on as you are now. Live life without her in it and see what she does. if the OM is still in her life, proceed with the D. If he isn't, then consider dating her once a week and do counselling together too. DO not go running back into her arms. if she wants you, she's going to have to FIGHT for you and show/prove to you that SHE is worth it! So far, she's done nothing.

[John Michael Kane]

Don't associate with this woman no more. She is a different person and will never be the woman you thought she was. She's just trying to manipulate you for her own selfish gain; cake eating.

[robf1971]

if she wants you, she's going to have to FIGHT for you and show/prove to you that SHE is worth it! So far, she's done nothing.

 

Totally seconded lol

 

Keep working on yourself, have fun, let her chase you (she will I promise). Do not go anywhere near her until she can show you she's prepared to walk barefoot over broken glass for you.