Addicted to a Person

[Titania22]

Hey Guys,

 

I have recently realised I am susceptible to become addicted to people occasionally. It's pretty rare, but I have no idea what causes me to become addicted to the people I do, and not to anyone else. I figure it would be very difficult to avoid alcohol as an alcoholic, if the only way you could recognise it was to take a sip.

 

I am wondering if anyone else here has been addicted to a person (or people).

 

For clarification, I have never got anywhere with anyone I have become addicted to. I think my behaviour changes in such a way that I become somewhat repellent (at least as far as intimacy and sex goes).

 

I wonder how likely I am to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone, when (a) I could become addicted to someone whilst in the relationship and (b) how could I judge actually loving someone in a healthy way, when i have a history of confusing "loving, being in love" with "being addicted to"?

 

Well that's some of the thoughts going on in my mind.

 

For those of you who remember me posting about a month ago, about meeting my dream man, yes the interaction has inspired the train of thought. I also realised that it was my feelings that made him seem physically (mentally and in all ways) perfect, not him actually being perfect.

[Eternal Sunshine]

hey beautiful,

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I used to get addicted to people and confuse it with being in love. I would also turn into the most repellent, pushy, needy, insecure version of myself. Even when those guys had some interest in me, they would get turned off. So needless to say I never got anywhere with any of them...

 

 

No advice here but to just ride it out.....at least you are aware of the problem and that it's not exactly healthy attachment style.

[Titania22]

Thanks OG,

 

I know you get it. For me it has happened about 3 or 4 times in my life, not with people I ever got to date, it hits me like a love at first sight thing (but not the first time i see them, somewhat later), and i would swear to you i love them with my whole heart. Even now, with the recognition, my impulse in to say I love the guy completely, and I have to remind myself it's addiction not love. This guy I have been addicted to for almost 3yrs now, and talking to him in real life, my withdrawal afterwards was extreme. What really drives it home for me, are the withdrawal symptoms.

 

But the most perplexing thing, is I don't know how to recognise a person I am in danger of developing an addiction to on sight. I don't know if the guys I have been addicted to have anything in common, that i could then just avoid similar people.

 

Even being aware of my addiction, I don't feel like I am in control. Like if i knew the guy was outide right now, i would be running out there as fast as i could, even knowing that a couple of hours later i would most likely feel like throwing up, and crying, and shaking and have lost all desire to live. Despite knowing all that, I would still be out there basking in every moment.

 

This isn't even like a lust thing, because even being in his company, and would have had sex if it were on offer, i wasn't actually in a state of sexual arrousal. It was more like I was energised, and shaky (like I had drunk too many energy drinks). It's so weird, it's a feeling of I would literally do anything and everything the person wanted to make them happy, and wouldn't ask for anything in return other then to just stay in their life, like some sort of mind controlled slave.

[smudge21]

Reading this really got me thinking. How do you know when it's an addiction and not love?

 

After reading I thought back over the few girls that I truly believed I loved more than anyone else (even my recent ex) and can see the similarities. The need to be near them. The feeling of total excitement when around them. The fact it was never always about sex but just being close to them or even hearing from them (some never even got as far as sex even after a long time).

 

There have only been a few I've truly felt this way about compared to others and so I'm trying to see if there's a pattern here too. The only thing I can say is that all of them were friends to begin with and I wasn't initially attracted to them - only falling for them thru getting to know them.

 

Up until reading this thread I honestly believed that the feelings I've had were love, but now I'm questioning that. What if it was/is just an addiction? If that's the case, what the hell is love? How do I tell the two apart?

[Titania22]

Exactly Smudge, I am wondering the same thing. The difference between the 2 must be slight. I was just talking to a friend over skype about this, and he said he is not convinced i am addicted, he thinks i am in love and broken hearted. I am really confused.

 

Thankyou for your reply, and at least you actually got to know the girls and date them. I would love that opportunity, I would learn so much more about these feelings then.

 

This latest guy I found out he suffers from depression and took up smoking, so it's not as if he is perfect, and yet my feelings didn't diminish or change one iota, and I hate smoking. It's all so baffling.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thanks OG,

 

I know you get it. For me it has happened about 3 or 4 times in my life, not with people I ever got to date, it hits me like a love at first sight thing (but not the first time i see them, somewhat later), and i would swear to you i love them with my whole heart. Even now, with the recognition, my impulse in to say I love the guy completely, and I have to remind myself it's addiction not love. This guy I have been addicted to for almost 3yrs now, and talking to him in real life, my withdrawal afterwards was extreme. What really drives it home for me, are the withdrawal symptoms.

 

But the most perplexing thing, is I don't know how to recognise a person I am in danger of developing an addiction to on sight. I don't know if the guys I have been addicted to have anything in common, that i could then just avoid similar people.

 

Even being aware of my addiction, I don't feel like I am in control. Like if i knew the guy was outide right now, i would be running out there as fast as i could, even knowing that a couple of hours later i would most likely feel like throwing up, and crying, and shaking and have lost all desire to live. Despite knowing all that, I would still be out there basking in every moment.

 

This isn't even like a lust thing, because even being in his company, and would have had sex if it were on offer, i wasn't actually in a state of sexual arrousal. It was more like I was energised, and shaky (like I had drunk too many energy drinks). It's so weird, it's a feeling of I would literally do anything and everything the person wanted to make them happy, and wouldn't ask for anything in return other then to just stay in their life, like some sort of mind controlled slave.

 

The same for me

 

Guys that I got addicted to (that's actually a great word, I used to use infatuation or crush, but addiction is more accurate), anyway the guys had nothing in common. They looked differently, their personalities were different. It also didn't happen at first sight, but later on. Still it would hit me all the same.

 

I guess the only thing they had in common was that they were mostly unavailable to me but yet I saw them on almost regular basis (either at work or through friends). They also gave me some attention, but never enough. I was constantly left in state of longing for more. More of them.

 

I was also strongly sexually attracted to them, like I would fantasize about them in that way too. But it was never purely sexual.

 

I have never felt that way with anyone I had an actual relationship with.

[Titania22]

The same for me

 

Guys that I got addicted to (that's actually a great word, I used to use infatuation or crush, but addiction is more accurate), anyway the guys had nothing in common. They looked differently, their personalities were different. It also didn't happen at first sight, but later on. Still it would hit me all the same.

 

I guess the only thing they had in common was that they were mostly unavailable to me but yet I saw them on almost regular basis (either at work or through friends). They also gave me some attention, but never enough. I was constantly left in state of longing for more. More of them.

 

I was also strongly sexually attracted to them, like I would fantasize about them in that way too. But it was never purely sexual.

 

I have never felt that way with anyone I had an actual relationship with.

 

Yeah I agree with everything you say here, and I wonder if the bolded has anything to do with why we got addicted. Like we're mice and their cheese dangling in front of us but out of reach. We can smell it, but we can never get the satisfaction of eating it. But it's always there slowly torturing us.

 

In which case let me pose, could this be an argument for why it can be kinder to be blunt and upfront with rejection? Or is it purely weakness on the part of the individual to become so smitten?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yeah I agree with everything you say here, and I wonder if the bolded has anything to do with why we got addicted. Like we're mice and their cheese dangling in front of us but out of reach. We can smell it, but we can never get the satisfaction of eating it. But it's always there slowly torturing us.

 

In which case let me pose, could this be an argument for why it can be kinder to be blunt and upfront with rejection? Or is it purely weakness on the part of the individual to become so smitten?

 

I do know that if those individuals outright and bluntly rejected me, with absolutely no room for misinterpretation - it would end my addiction. The rejection would have to be followed up by complete unambiguous distance on their part or else I would start hoping again. I got things like "I can't date you right now because I am not in the right head space but perhaps in a few months..." and of course that made me hang on. I do think that those individuals enjoy leading us on.

 

I don't think it's really a weakness in us, but some people are more prone to this type of thing than others. For me, I think I mostly wasn't ready for a real relationship and that gave me the the romantic fix I needed at the time.

 

I was addicted to my married boss for years (without anything actually happening, apart from a lot of flirting). I then found out that he was having an affair and it still didn't help me in getting over him

[smudge21]

Very similar once again as the girls I loved/addicted to were people I'd see on a regular basis too.

 

It's like we'd get close over time then something would happen that would mean we couldn't move forward or any relationship would end, yet of course, I'm still seeing them. Maybe it's more a case of wanting what you can't have - that desire that drives us all. That thing we want and reach for our entire lives. Once we get it, we go in search of something else, so when we don't get it, we want it more.

 

I'm still very much in love/addicted to my recent ex even though what happened between us was very short, I did see her pretty much all throughout last year. I tried to remain her friend afterwards as that addiction was so strong and I just wanted her around, but she got back with her long term on/off ex and when talk of marriage came up it destroyed me and I had to move on. But that desire to be with her is still there. I'm still as much in love/addicted to her as I was last year...

 

Pity there's no sure fire way to cure these addictions...

[Titania22]

Interesting you both brought up the idea of the other person being in a relationship. In crushes in general I have a personal ethics against fantasizing/daydreaming about people who are in relationships. In all the addiction cases, I had no knowledge of any relationship, so I don't know whether or not that would be enough to get over it. I would assume if they got married or seemed to be completely in love with someone else, I would get over it, but it's never been tested.

 

I have a story about the guy i was "addicted" to when i was 18/19. He left to travel and live in Canada, and I went travelling to America (and somehow ended up in Canada, gee i wonder why), and i married and life went on, but I always wondered about him, even with no reason to ever think i would see him again, I hoped and even occasionally prayed that our paths would cross again.

 

10yrs passed, and one day I saw him again, even though he had changed the moment i looked into his eyes i knew it was him. This time around we exchanged numbers, and I went to meet him, and I could have had him if i had wanted no problem. But having an actual conversation with him, I realised how dumb he was, and that was an instant turn off. So after 10yrs of waiting and hoping, i didn't choose him. SO based on that, I think it is possible to grow out of it, like if enough years pass, and you both change, you will still recognise them but whatever draw you in the first place may not be there anymore.

[Nexus One]

When you say addiction, do you mean that as a part of a crush/infatuation? Or as an addiction in and by itself without a crush/infatuation.

[Titania22]

When you say addiction, do you mean that as a part of a crush/infatuation? Or as an addiction in and by itself without a crush/infatuation.

 

I guess Nexus One. It feels alot strong then a little crush though, I have been completely convinced that what I have been feeling is LOVE (unconditional, unending love).

[Eternal Sunshine]

I guess Nexus One. It feels alot strong then a little crush though, I have been completely convinced that what I have been feeling is LOVE (unconditional, unending love).

 

I don't believe it's love though...we fill too many gaps with fantasy for it to be "real".

[Titania22]

Yeah I know OG.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is kind of why I sometimes question my current relationship. My feelings, longing are not as strong as in those types of scenarios....

[dressing up]

My interpretation of my addiction to someone is when I keep thinking about the somebody, fantasizing about being with that person, yet when I think if the actual possibility of us being together, I freak out.

 

Makes sense?

[Titania22]

My interpretation of my addiction to someone is when I keep thinking about the somebody, fantasizing about being with that person, yet when I think if the actual possibility of us being together, I freak out.

 

Makes sense?

 

Hmmm do you freak out, because you are upset that it seems impossible, or do you freak out, because you don't really want to be with them?

 

Or something else.

[Titania22]

This is kind of why I sometimes question my current relationship. My feelings, longing are not as strong as in those types of scenarios....

 

Yeah this was kind of hinted at in my original post. I suspect what you have now is great, but if we are so conditioned to have more extremely emotional reaction, it seems hard to guage whether relationships like your in now, are really love or not. I don't have a benchmark for love, only addiction.

[dressing up]

Hmmm do you freak out, because you are upset that it seems impossible, or do you freak out, because you don't really want to be with them?

 

Or something else.

 

I freak out thinking maybe I don't want to be with them (maybe I want) but the idea of being with them seems perfect.

[Titania22]

I freak out thinking maybe I don't want to be with them (maybe I want) but the idea of being with them seems perfect.

 

 

I understand. I feel that about normal guys I might meet.

 

But this last guy that I have been wanting the last 3yrs, I would turn my life upside down to be with. If he wanted me, it doesn't scare me at all. Obviously I wouldn't make bad financial decisions (been there done that have learnt), and if he was violent well i would come straight home again, but if he genuinely seemed to want to be with me, i would make it as easy as i could, (which isn't very easy, i have kids, he lives in a different country, lots of complication). He is the only guy I would be willing to do that for, and i get there are no promises when it comes to relationships lasting these days, but I would get every day I could get. I am actually more scared of living and never being the one he chooses (which is actually the most likely scenario).

 

See as much as I don't know every little detail about him, I do know about me. And I know from my last relationship, I am capable of loving someone completely 100% with my whole heart. I know when I love someone that much, I will do my very best, because I want to be the best woman I can be for them. I did that already I have no doubts, it didn't work, but it wasn't because I didn't love enough. Even being part addiction, I know there is some love there, because I recognise it from that last relationship.

 

I also know, that no man i was ever addicted to suffered, because of it, at the very least they were flattered by the attention.

[dressing up]

I understand. I feel that about normal guys I might meet.

 

But this last guy that I have been wanting the last 3yrs, I would turn my life upside down to be with. If he wanted me, it doesn't scare me at all. Obviously I wouldn't make bad financial decisions (been there done that have learnt), and if he was violent well i would come straight home again, but if he genuinely seemed to want to be with me, i would make it as easy as i could, (which isn't very easy, i have kids, he lives in a different country, lots of complication). He is the only guy I would be willing to do that for, and i get there are no promises when it comes to relationships lasting these days, but I would get every day I could get. I am actually more scared of living and never being the one he chooses (which is actually the most likely scenario).

 

See as much as I don't know every little detail about him, I do know about me. And I know from my last relationship, I am capable of loving someone completely 100% with my whole heart. I know when I love someone that much, I will do my very best, because I want to be the best woman I can be for them. I did that already I have no doubts, it didn't work, but it wasn't because I didn't love enough. Even being part addiction, I know there is some love there, because I recognise it from that last relationship.

 

I also know, that no man i was ever addicted to suffered, because of it, at the very least they were flattered by the attention.

 

I felt the same way with a LDR ex. When he broke up with me because of the distance, I wanted to book the next flight to where he was so we could live happily ever after. A few years later, I couldn't help thinking how silly I was to think that way. Because I was at that time head over heels with him, I thought if I just narrowed the distance, it would be just the relationship I wanted. Thinking back, if I was indeed on the flight there for him, we would have split by now.

[Titania22]

I felt the same way with a LDR ex. When he broke up with me because of the distance, I wanted to book the next flight to where he was so we could live happily ever after. A few years later, I couldn't help thinking how silly I was to think that way. Because I was at that time head over heels with him, I thought if I just narrowed the distance, it would be just the relationship I wanted. Thinking back, if I was indeed on the flight there for him, we would have split by now.

 

Yeah I get that. I guess since I have lived and done everything I want to this life and have had many experiences, I think we have to grab the moments that will mean the most to us. If I wanted to climb a mountain I would go do that, if i wanted to have sex with 100 guys i would do that, if i wanted a PhD I would go do that (and may well purely out of boredom), but I don't. I have been married, I have raised kids, I have written a book, I have been to university, I have lived in 2 different countries, I have read lots, and learnt lots and played lots of games.

 

I have come across this guy, and I know he won't be perfect, and I know just like everyone else there will be whole parts of his personality that i think suck (I haven't seen them yet, but they are sure to be there), but he is somewhat of an enigma for me as he has evoked emotions in me that very few have, and if i got to spend more time with him, I would have more opportunity to learn about myself, and no doubt some of the learning would be fun, and being so inspired to be worthy of him, I would no doubt see more of what I am capable of. Basically nothing in this world really inspires me anymore, but being with him would. And if I was wrong, well it wouldn't be the first time, and at least I would know, which is better then where I am stuck in the not knowing.

 

I think it is perfectly fine for other who have dreams and a path, to stay focussed and not get side tracked, but i have no path, so getting side tracked is the path.

[dressing up]

Yeah I get that. I guess since I have lived and done everything I want to this life and have had many experiences, I think we have to grab the moments that will mean the most to us. If I wanted to climb a mountain I would go do that, if i wanted to have sex with 100 guys i would do that, if i wanted a PhD I would go do that (and may well purely out of boredom), but I don't. I have been married, I have raised kids, I have written a book, I have been to university, I have lived in 2 different countries, I have read lots, and learnt lots and played lots of games.

 

I have come across this guy, and I know he won't be perfect, and I know just like everyone else there will be whole parts of his personality that i think suck (I haven't seen them yet, but they are sure to be there), but he is somewhat of an enigma for me as he has evoked emotions in me that very few have, and if i got to spend more time with him, I would have more opportunity to learn about myself, and no doubt some of the learning would be fun, and being so inspired to be worthy of him, I would no doubt see more of what I am capable of. Basically nothing in this world really inspires me anymore, but being with him would. And if I was wrong, well it wouldn't be the first time, and at least I would know, which is better then where I am stuck in the not knowing.

 

I think it is perfectly fine for other who have dreams and a path, to stay focussed and not get side tracked, but i have no path, so getting side tracked is the path.

 

I don't think you've written it here but are you able to be with this guy? Is he willing to be with you?

 

I'm trying to understand my own addiction. Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's not having something we want.

[Titania22]

I don't think you've written it here but are you able to be with this guy? Is he willing to be with you?

 

I'm trying to understand my own addiction. Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's not having something we want.

 

Yeah, No, I am not able to be with this guy, he isn't willing, but he didn't harshly reject me either. I doubt he would be willing to be with me, but I don't definitively know.

 

So I would do best to find a way to get over him.

 

But the addicted part of me, obviously doesn't want to. I'm the mouse in the cage that wants to keep pushing the heroine button, even though it will kill me. And not thinking about him for 6mths, and even dating or getting another crush, hasn't worked in the past, because sooner or later i see him unexpectedly and bam! But I guess I have to keep trying.

 

It could well be a case of "not having something we want". I can't say.

[iris219]

When people become addicted to a person, they often are infatuated with a person who doesn’t exist.

 

You say these guys were not guys you dated or really knew. This allows you to make them into who you want and need them to be. You imbue them with all the qualities you would want in a person, so of course they’re attractive to you. This made up person is, essentially, perfect for you (because you’ve created them. They do not actually exist).