Addicted to a Person

[NoMagicBullet]

Thank you, Frank, for sharing your story. You've described perfectly the feelings of both joy and pain that a person goes through. Also, that trying to maintain even a platonic relationship becomes incredibly painful. I think the desire to maintain a friendship is just as much a part of it as any romantic feelings; NC is only solution I've found that works, although it takes time.

 

Kudos to you for not pursuing an affair and for going NC. I know it hurts a lot right now, and it probably will for longer than you want, but hang in there. If you really feel like leaving your job would help, I hope you can find something else (without a nasty pay cut) while working where you're at now.

[Frank13]

Thank you Titania22 and NoMagicBullet for your replies. Makes me feel better that someone has read my story and thought enough to respond.

 

NoMagicBullet, if someone would have told me 3 months ago that trying to maintain even platonic relationship would become incredibly painful, I wouldn't have belived them but it is so true. I don't think she has any idea how painful it is for me. I know her feelings can't be strong because she would have wanted to end the friendship too if she was in pain like me.

 

You are also correct in that the desire to maintain a friendship is just as much a part of it as any romantic feelings. In fact if I could wave a magic wand and get what I wanted, it would be to have the deeper feelings go away and just be good friends like we used to be.

 

I miss the friendship so much! Neither one of us did anything worng yet we both lost a friendship because of love.

 

Love sucks!!!!

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Well, this is concerning.

 

She came to the show Friday, got drunk, made out with me, told me she "adored" me, and referred to me as her "drummer boyfriend" to some other drunk girl. As she sobered up, I could tell she was regretting it, because she withdrew and didn't so much as give me a goodnight kiss.

 

I hung out with her for a while Saturday (actually helping her clean her apartment, my idea), and then she hung out with the other dude today. When she tells me where she's going (she hadn't expressly told me that she was seeing him, but I'm smart enough to put 2 and 2 together), I try to think of a response that will come off as chill and cool, and just say "Have fun ttyl."

 

She's all like "why ttyl?" Like, of course we can continue to talk. I don't really know what to say, since my response was so deliberate and I don't want to say "that seemed like what a cool guy would say," so I just pretend it didn't mean anything. (Yes, I know that I sound like a stone-cold retard.)

 

ANYway, we start texting back and forth a bit later, and she tells me that she's drunk at a bar and she got up and sang with the band and people gave her a standing ovation and a guy told her she should sing in a band. I tell her the truth: I think she is a very good singer. She disagrees with me, and I'm still not sure if that's just regular fake girl modesty or if she's just saying it, but she sings in front of me all the time and she's actually been opera trained, so her humility is a little silly.

 

Anyway, so we chat for a while, and she says "want to know a secret?" And I say "yes." And she says "I'm horny." Obviously this leads down a different road about us potentially banging tonight. I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt, because she's in some other town with this dude she's into, and I know she's pretty drunk.

 

Some **** went awry, and it's clear that we're not going to be banging, but honestly, I don't even really care that much. I mean, as much as I'm sexually attracted to her, it's not even my focus, at all. But she says I can come over anyway "if I want to."

 

We have a chat about how the fact that I'm obviously too invested in her is putting a lot of pressure on her, and that she really liked the guy I was when she first met me, that confident, charming guy who wasn't a complete lunatic. I said that I liked him, too, and I agreed that the new guy sucked. Also, she admitted to me that when she goes to [town name redacted], it means that she's hanging out with the other other guy. I told her I figured that out on my own, and she says "what do you think happens when I go down to [town]?" I say that I couldn't begin to guess, but apparently in way that makes it sound like I'm saying "you guys **** like rabbits," which is, of course, what I WAS thinking. Apparently, that was not the case, and they are now "just friends." Normally I'd think that was BS, but this girl has been so super honest about everything else that it doesn't make sense that she'd lie about that.

 

Basically, I was super honest about the situation, told her that I'm aware that my feelings for her are unusual and that they are, frankly, a source of embarrassment (hence why I discuss them anonymously with Internet strangers rather than my friends), and she concludes that we need to take a step back and not look at each other as potential romantic options. At least until I can relax and stop being a nutbar.

 

But for the rest of the conversation, I actually felt myself relaxing. Like, right now, I don't feel uneasy at all. Normally at night I feel super anxious and I can't sleep. So maybe this will actually work.

 

My only concern is this: she wants me to be myself, but also wants us to only to "friends" stuff for a while. But I am a touchy-feely kind of guy, especially with hot girls that I'm into. I slap asses, I caress backs, I kiss cheeks, and I make inappropriate sexual comments. A lot.

 

So we'll see how that goes.

Edited May 16, 2011 by TheyCallMeBruce
added clarification

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Day 1 of the new tactic went OK. Just normal chatting and nothing weird. I didn't feel overwhelmed or anxious when I was talking to her, though I still feel completely fixated on her.

 

I'm starting to think that the fixation isn't going anywhere until I completely cut off all contact, but I'm not ready to do that until I'm sure that this isn't going anywhere.

 

And, realistically, I won't be able to do it then, either.

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, so we chat for a while, and she says "want to know a secret?" And I say "yes." And she says "I'm horny." Obviously this leads down a different road about us potentially banging tonight. I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt, because she's in some other town with this dude she's into, and I know she's pretty drunk.

 

This chick is f.cuking with you! She knows you're into her, want her and she's getting a huge ego stroke out of playing a little game with you. You two are not friends, it's an unhealthy dynamic going on and YOU are going to get hurt. Not only that but having her in your life IS preventing you from finding someone else, opening up your heart to another girl.

 

This chick is not into you the way you are into her.

 

DDD. Distance yourself. Detach from her. Date others.

[smudge21]

Sorry to say it Bruce but I agree here, she's really enjoying the attention, much like my addiction did. You need to create some distance and sort these feelings out as I know for a fact they will only get stronger each and every day, until, like me, you truly believe you love her more than anything (then it really gets bad). I'm not saying you couldn't or shouldn't be her friend, but not right now, you're too involved. She's controlling every aspect of this because you care more and she knows it. You can reverse that by being a bit distant with her and increasing it each time, but you need to do it quick. I do hope one day I can see my ex (do I even call her that after this thread?) as a friend and just a friend as we did always get along so well, but that's not going to happen until my feelings for her have gone totally. Put it this way, could you handle it right now if this girl you're falling for suddenly told you she was dating someone else or even engaged (like mine did)? Step back my friend and work on curing this addiction as if you don't, it's going to end up hurting you bad.

 

Oh and Frank, nice post there. Rings so true for me with my recent situation (which is posted somewhere in this thread). I think there is a really fine line between addiction and love. I truly believed I loved this girl but looking back maybe it was an addiction. This thread has really opened up the possibilities and got me thinking, and confused. I guess it's like you say, there's always a combination of things, especially that wanting what you can't have scenario that makes us fall for someone more. She always told me I was so different to her usual boyfriends (yes, she used the term) mainly due to the fact we'd spend our time just together, not having sex, just together, and I never pushed that issue (but made it very clear I was interested). I just enjoyed being with her so much, plain and simple. I think due to her looks and job, most guys just saw her as a bit of fun, a trophy **** if you will, whereas I got to know her over time and she became much more than that to me, to the point where I actually didn't want to ruin anything by trying to speed things up. I wanted this to last. Clearly addicted, which in turn lead to the heartbreak I'm going through now as she's getting married.

[Frank13]

 

I'm starting to think that the fixation isn't going anywhere until I completely cut off all contact, but I'm not ready to do that until I'm sure that this isn't going anywhere.

 

And, realistically, I won't be able to do it then, either.

 

I can tell you, for me it was by far one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It was absolutely incredibly painful to see and talk to her and I knew it would be even worse to end our friendship, but in the end I had no choice. The pain of being around her was torture. My only hope to ever feel better was to get her out of my life completely. I even had to take time off work to do it.

 

It's been 13 days NC and I am feeling better. At times I even feel I can restart the friendship, but my logical side knows better. I figure if I can get over her, I will also have gotten over the loss of the firendship so why take the chance that the feelings will come back by trying to restart the friendship.

[smudge21]

Your words then Frank are exactly how I'm feeling. It really does suck doesn't it?

[Frank13]

Sorry to say it Bruce but I agree here, she's really enjoying the attention, much like my addiction did. You need to create some distance and sort these feelings out as I know for a fact they will only get stronger each and every day, until, like me, you truly believe you love her more than anything (then it really gets bad).

 

Oh and Frank, nice post there. Rings so true for me with my recent situation (which is posted somewhere in this thread).

 

Smudge, it amazes me how similar our stories are. The part about feelings getting stronger every day until you believe you love her more than anything AND THEN IT GETTING REALLY BAD is exactly what happened to me. I thought I could handle the feelings and remain friends but it got horribly bad quick. I couldn't stand to be around her. That is when Bruce will be forced to distance himself.

 

In my case I think I would have been fine if she wouldn't have noticed me (or had allowed me to) gradually start distancing myself, but she picked up on it immediately the first day I tried. I didn't completely avoid her and I made up excuses as to why she couldn't find me when she came looking for me (like she did everyday) at the beginning of the work day. She didn't buy any of it. I didn't think I was acting cold or distance but she said she knew right away by the way I talked to her that I was distancing myself. This forced the issue and I ended the friendship cold turkey. It would have been so much easier to gradually back away.

Edited May 17, 2011 by Frank13

[Titania22]

This thread has made me wonder if more men experience this than women. Or perhaps women get to talk these things through with friends more, and thus men just needed this thread more (as a way to express what they are feeling).

[Frank13]

This thread has made me wonder if more men experience this than women. Or perhaps women get to talk these things through with friends more, and thus men just needed this thread more (as a way to express what they are feeling).

 

Interesting thought. I kept it to myself for months because I was embarrassed that it happened to me. Only when I saw this thread and that the same thing has happened to others did I feel comfortable posting about it.

 

I always thought that if something happened to end the friendship, I would still cherish the time we had together. Now I wish I never met her, or that she would have never tried to be friends with me.

[Frank13]

I have a couple questions for those of you who have more time and experience with these situations.

 

Currently I am NC and avoiding her as much as possible. However we do work togther, so if I didn't try to avoid her I would see, and be close to, her everyday.

 

I am wondering, should I continue to avoid her or do I look like a wuss?

Not that I really care how I look. since the friendship is over, and my healing is the most important thing. But I sometimes wonder if intentionally avoiding her just adds to the stress. Is it better to just go about my business and if I see her just be polite and say '"hi" (which seems kind of phoney anyway)? Or is it too soon and will just set me back?

 

Second question.

She said she started getting feelings for me when I avoided and ignored her for several weeks a couple months ago, and that the feelings got stronger when I stopped avoiding her and the friendship got back to normal.

 

With me doing NC now, is it possible she will get stroinger feelings? This is not what I want because nothing good could come of it. I wouldn't want her to have the terrible feelings I do when she sees me. Would this be another reason to stop avoiding her? Or do you think she accepts the friendship is over and is trying to move on?

 

One more thing. I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to everyone in this thread, especially those of you who have replied to my posts. When I first posted my story I felt I was posting to strangers and that I just needed to get it off my chest. Now however I feel like I have made some new friends, and the fact that we are going through, or have gone through, the same thing makes me feel even closer to you all. It really helps!

Edited May 17, 2011 by Frank13

[Titania22]

I have a couple questions for those of you who have more time and experience with these situations.

 

Currently I am NC and avoiding her as much as possible. However we do work togther, so if I didn't try to avoid her I would see, and be close to, her everyday.

 

I am wondering, should I continue to avoid her or do I look like a wuss?

Not that I really care how I look. since the friendship is over, and my healing is the most important thing. But I sometimes wonder if intentionally avoiding her just adds to the stress. Is it better to just go about my business and if I see her just be polite and say '"hi" (which seems kind of phoney anyway)? Or is it too soon and will just set me back?

 

Second question.

She said she started getting feelings for me when I avoided and ignored her for several weeks a couple months ago, and that the feelings got stronger when I stopped avoiding her and the friendship got back to normal.

 

With me doing NC now, is it possible she will get stroinger feelings? This is not what I want because nothing good could come of it. I wouldn't want her to have the terrible feelings I do when she sees me. Would this be another reason to stop avoiding her? Or do you think she accepts the friendship is over and is trying to move on?

 

One more thing. I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to everyone in this thread, especially those of you who have replied to my posts. When I first posted my story I felt I was posting to strangers and that I just needed to get it off my chest. Now however I feel like I have made some new friends, and the fact that we are going through, or have gone through, the same thing makes me feel even closer to you all. It really helps!

 

 

I think even even if it is a little stressful, avoidance is the only thing you can do, if you are anything like me, just catching sight of her out of the corner of your eye would be enough to send you spiraling backwards.

 

Even after a few weeks away from mine, I find myself still daydreaming about him every single day. The only difference is i am not so much on the emotional rollercoaster ride as i was a couple of weeks ago. If i knew we were in the same building or even the same city I would no doubt be a basketcase. So you are doing absolutely brilliantly.

 

I can't answer your 2nd question.

 

I know exactly how you feel about the people on the forum. I get the same feelings sometimes. Even though we are all still strangers, sometimes it feels like a loose family/friendship group. I find it wonderful to see the other sides of the male sex, that generally seem hidden in face to face encounters.

 

One thing I really like about this limerance/in love/ addicted thing from this thread, is the idea that men can feel happy just by the presence of a woman, and not just focussed on the sex side. I think that shows a genuine level of caring, and to me that is really beautiful.

[smudge21]

Interesting thought. I kept it to myself for months because I was embarrassed that it happened to me. Only when I saw this thread and that the same thing has happened to others did I feel comfortable posting about it.

 

I always thought that if something happened to end the friendship, I would still cherish the time we had together. Now I wish I never met her, or that she would have never tried to be friends with me.

 

Once again your replies seem to so mimic my life recently. Really is quite scary. I also kept me true feelings to myself, even acting like the good friend, even when she'd openly flirt and even at one time clearly wanting me to make a move. I didn't simply because I wanted more from her than a one time thing. She meant (and still does mean) so much to me that even now, looking back, I feel good that I didn't sleep with her. I didn't become 'just another guy who slept with her' in her mind. That in itself makes me feel good... which is odd as, simply put, she is a totally beautiful girl who I'm pretty sure anyone would be willing to sleep with if the opportunity was there. Not me though!

 

There are times I too wish I'd never met her considering the heart break and pain I went through, but with that fading I can now look back and remember the good times. It still hurts, but the longer my NC goes on, the less it will.

[smudge21]

Sadly Frank your addiction may very well start showing interest when you don't. It's like she's got used to you around and then you're not. Mine was like that. Every two weeks she'd text just to see if I was still talking to her. When I finally said goodbye via email, told her exactly how I feel and how I had to go, she understood, was upset but said goodbye too. It was the only way to move forward, otherwise we'd still be in touch now... and I'd still be believing there's something there.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I know that, when I NCed my ex, she got over me a lot faster than I her. So I think NC has different effects on different people.

 

I'm not ready to distance myself. I'm just trying to play it cool now, but the fact is that she's made it clear that she might want to date me when we've known each other a little longer, and whether or not that's a good idea, I can't give up on that just yet. Even beyond the craziness, she objectively is exactly what I'm looking for in a girl.

[Frank13]

 

One thing I really like about this limerance/in love/ addicted thing from this thread, is the idea that men can feel happy just by the presence of a woman, and not just focussed on the sex side. I think that shows a genuine level of caring, and to me that is really beautiful.

 

That's how it is with me and her. It isn't about the sex. My fantasy is just to hold her. It may be really beautiful but in my case it means nothing and does nothing for the situation.

[Frank13]

Sadly Frank your addiction may very well start showing interest when you don't. It's like she's got used to you around and then you're not. Mine was like that. Every two weeks she'd text just to see if I was still talking to her.

 

The only time she would say anything about me being in her heart or signing her emails with <3 was when I was avoiding her.

 

Since she now knows why I am avoiding her, I don't think there will be any communication from her. I told her that the only way to get her out of my system was to get her completely out of my life. When I was ending the friendship she said she is always so happy to come to work because of me. I told her that she got along fine before me and that she will get along fine without me. All she said was "no".

[Frank13]

I know that, when I NCed my ex, she got over me a lot faster than I her. So I think NC has different effects on different people.

 

I think it depends on the level of feelings. For those who only have friendship feelings, it is probably a loss that you get over pretty quick. For those who have stronger feelings, it takes more time.

[St.Dogmael]

Bruce, I've read all your posts on this girl (even the ones in other threads) and I totally feel your pain. You are not alone, my brutha. I'm going through something similar with a girl that I've been dating for 2 months. Probably not as extreme in terms of ups and downs, but it's definitely been messing with my head. In fact I would really love you to weigh in:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278409/

 

My only advice is: don't be so hard on yourself. You're man enough to own how you feel, and if that's too much for her, so be it. I think a guy can only "play it cool" for so long. It's great to be detached and somewhat aloof at the beginning, but when you start to have feelings for a girl, you absolutely have the right to express that (hopefully in as non-needy a way as possible; speaking from experience here :-)

 

I mean, the alternative is to constantly suppress your feelings, and I don't think that does anyone any good. You sound like an awesome dude, and you deserve to be with someone who's every bit as excited about you as you are about her.

 

That's my 2 cents, anyway :-)

[NoMagicBullet]

This thread has made me wonder if more men experience this than women. Or perhaps women get to talk these things through with friends more, and thus men just needed this thread more (as a way to express what they are feeling).

 

I think it's the latter. I have a guy I'm NC with right now, but I also have a friend with her own addiction that I can talk to about it, so I haven't felt the need to post it here.

 

It's good to read this thread, though, because lately I've been contemplating getting back into this social group this guy is a part of (where I met him). I realize that I just can't do it. I don't even feel addicted to this guy like I have with other guys, but I know the risk of it getting worse is still there if I see him again.

 

I'm not ready to distance myself. I'm just trying to play it cool now, but the fact is that she's made it clear that she might want to date me when we've known each other a little longer, and whether or not that's a good idea, I can't give up on that just yet. Even beyond the craziness, she objectively is exactly what I'm looking for in a girl.

 

She says she might want to date you, Bruce? How long have you known her? It seems like it's been long enough, if she gets drunk and calls to tell you she's horny when she's in another town. I agree with smudge -- she likes the attention. Honestly, I think she's playing games with you. If she were really interested in dating you, she'd go on a date with you already. I think she just said that to keep you on the hook.

[Titania22]

I think it's the latter. I have a guy I'm NC with right now, but I also have a friend with her own addiction that I can talk to about it, so I haven't felt the need to post it here.

 

It's good to read this thread, though, because lately I've been contemplating getting back into this social group this guy is a part of (where I met him). I realize that I just can't do it. I don't even feel addicted to this guy like I have with other guys, but I know the risk of it getting worse is still there if I see him again.

 

 

I am glad this thread helped save you from that mistake.

 

I should be on the home stretch for now, no direct contact for about 3-4wks, and this thread to warn me of the dangers. But still I keep fantacising and daydreaming every moment I am not focussed on something. Intellectually I have taken all the lessons of this thread in, but I behave like i am mentally weak. The dream is so seductive. It seems to make no difference to me, that now I can recognise it's just my mind filling in blanks and has no basis in reality. Honestly I think I am only NC because I have no choice, if there was even a hint of an opportunity to be around him, I would be all over it.

 

I can't wait until I go to university, and start filling my days will real life experiences, and meeting real life people. Hiding out at home, is only make me idealise the real world again.

[Frank13]

I am glad this thread helped save you from that mistake.

 

I should be on the home stretch for now, no direct contact for about 3-4wks, and this thread to warn me of the dangers. But still I keep fantacising and daydreaming every moment I am not focussed on something. Intellectually I have taken all the lessons of this thread in, but I behave like i am mentally weak. The dream is so seductive. It seems to make no difference to me, that now I can recognise it's just my mind filling in blanks and has no basis in reality. Honestly I think I am only NC because I have no choice, if there was even a hint of an opportunity to be around him, I would be all over it.

 

In my case the opportunity to be around her is there, I just can't take the pain it brings. I have been doing well at keeping her out of my mind for most of each day, but I do have my moments.

 

The strange thing is as much as this hurts me, I feel bad that she is possibly hurting due to the loss of the friendship. I know her feelings aren't anywhere near as strong as mine, so she is probably over me, but I still care about her feeling hurt. I know I am crazy to think like that as I am the one I need to be concerned about.

 

Like the quote I saw in a sig here on LS said, I need to forget about what I want and remember what I deserve. Pain and heartbreak is not what I deserve.

[Titania22]

I feel bad that she is possibly hurting due to the loss of the friendship. I know her feelings aren't anywhere near as strong as mine, so she is probably over me, but I still care about her feeling hurt.

 

 

I totally get this.

 

And I wonder if it because the feelings of pain are so fresh, that you know seeing her will cause you pain. Because I can intellectually know seeing someone will cause me pain, but if i haven't felt the pain in a while, I can kind of forget just how bad it felt. I am a real junkie, i guess.

 

I could never understand why people would choose to drink so much after they knew how bad the hangover feels, and yet I am doing the same thing, just not with alcohol.

 

Good for you, to be sticking to your guns, Frank.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I'm trying to really pull back with my addiction right now. I had a really bad relapse the other night while I was drunk, and I sent her a lot of really affectionate texts, and it kind of freaked her out (direct quote "It's kinda scary how much you like me."). She's really guarded, and I think she's just not that into me, and so it had the opposite effect that I intended (which I would have been more in tune with had I been sober, but it is what it is).

 

I don't know what I should do, exactly. I'd like to kind of play the field a bit, very casually with girls looking for something casual. I just don't feel like my heart is in it.

 

Is it ****ty to go out with other girls while I'm hung up on this one? If so, what's the solution? How do I get over her? I'm confused.

Edited May 19, 2011 by TheyCallMeBruce