Addicted to a Person

[plasma]

Hey Guys,

 

I have recently realised I am susceptible to become addicted to people occasionally. It's pretty rare, but I have no idea what causes me to become addicted to the people I do, and not to anyone else. I figure it would be very difficult to avoid alcohol as an alcoholic, if the only way you could recognise it was to take a sip.

 

I am wondering if anyone else here has been addicted to a person (or people).

 

For clarification, I have never got anywhere with anyone I have become addicted to. I think my behaviour changes in such a way that I become somewhat repellent (at least as far as intimacy and sex goes).

 

I wonder how likely I am to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone, when (a) I could become addicted to someone whilst in the relationship and (b) how could I judge actually loving someone in a healthy way, when i have a history of confusing "loving, being in love" with "being addicted to"?

 

Well that's some of the thoughts going on in my mind.

 

For those of you who remember me posting about a month ago, about meeting my dream man, yes the interaction has inspired the train of thought. I also realised that it was my feelings that made him seem physically (mentally and in all ways) perfect, not him actually being perfect.

 

your fine, theres some books on co-dependancy ive read that you might benefit from and its been a while since ive read them and forget the names, will think and get back to this thread later today.

[Frank13]

 

I don't know what I should do, exactly. I'd like to kind of play the field a bit, very casually with girls looking for something casual. I just don't feel like my heart is in it.

 

Is it ****ty to go out with other girls while I'm hung up on this one? If so, what's the solution? How do I get over her? I'm confused.

 

I think you should play the field. Even if your heart isn't in to it, it will serve as a distraction. Go out, have some fun, get to know others. It will build up your self confidence which will appeal to your addiction. You never know what might happen. In fact, I would let you addiction know about it. She seems to be making it very clear that she is either not interested or you are a back up plan. Either she won't care that you are playing the field or it might get her to desire you. At this point you don't owe her anything.

 

It is not ****ty to go out with other girls while you are hung up on this one. If you think someone new is falling for you but you don't feel the same then you may have to stop seeing that person before it gets too involved.

[smudge21]

Yeah Bruce, you need to see what else is out there. You know I know exactly how you feel and the only way to get over someone (whether it be love or an addiction) is with time. Don't expect miracles the second you start seeing others or not contacting her, these things can take a while. It all depends on how much contact you have with your addiction - how often you still see her or hear about her. Like any drug, if it's nearby, you'll be tempted.

 

You have to be honest with yourself though. I really thought I could have a friendship with my addiction, really thought I wanted that. But I was lying to myself and stringing myself along. Everytime we'd meet up there was always that hope that something more would happen. You need to admit that you do want more from her and you won't settle for being just a friend or even her back-up plan. Force yourself to back away, even tell her why you're doing it (so she won't contact you) and then stick to it.

 

This addiction that we've all faced is no different then being in a relationship (except we haven't been living the person etc) and so we have to deal with it in the same way - with time and no contact. It will hurt and you will be tempted to try that drug again, or at least look for a small fix occasionally (I googled mine and didn't like what I found), but that will only set you back and lead to more hurt.

 

Sadly as much as I would love to have these feelings of love/addiction gone so I can see her as a friend again, I know deep down it may never happen... I may never see her again...

[Frank13]

You have to be honest with yourself though. I really thought I could have a friendship with my addiction, really thought I wanted that. But I was lying to myself and stringing myself along. Everytime we'd meet up there was always that hope that something more would happen. You need to admit that you do want more from her and you won't settle for being just a friend or even her back-up plan. Force yourself to back away, even tell her why you're doing it (so she won't contact you) and then stick to it.

 

Damn Smudge, this is just what I needed to hear. Today was one of my best days so far. Usually I am wondering what she is doing, or who she is laughing with, but today I didn't care. That is until a few hours ago when I started feeling like what you said about thinking I could have, and wanting, a friendship with her.

 

The more I feel I am getting over her, the more I start fanticizing about being just friends again and how easy it would be. Damn we were so close and getting closer! I never had that with anyone and I know I won't again. It just seems so unnatural to lose that especially with how I feel about here (which ironiocally is the whole problem).

 

Logically I tell myself that I went through the most intense pain just before, and immediately after, ending the friendship and that no matter how bad I feel from now on, it will never be that bad again as long as I stay NC.

 

But part of me keeps feeling that this isn't over and that if we could just go back to being friends like before, that I will have closure and can move on. Stupid to think that I know. I should stay out while I have the chance. It would be so much easier if we didn't work together.

 

I wonder if she is missing me but respecting my wishes to get her out of my life, or if she has already accepted we are not friends and is moving on. I think that if I am having better days, then she is way over losing the friendship by now.

 

The sad thing is that there is no solution to this. I don't think there is anything she could do to "fix" this, short of telling me she left her husband for her own reasons and would like a chance with me. But that is never going to happen I know.

Edited May 20, 2011 by Frank13

[NoMagicBullet]

smudge, you summed up the experience and the solution perfectly:

 

This addiction that we've all faced is no different then being in a relationship (except we haven't been living the person etc) and so we have to deal with it in the same way - with time and no contact. It will hurt and you will be tempted to try that drug again, or at least look for a small fix occasionally (I googled mine and didn't like what I found), but that will only set you back and lead to more hurt.

 

If what we feel for our respective "addictions" was reciprocated, we wouldn't even think it was unusual. We'd call it being in love. And like a relationship that goes sour, the solution to getting over the feelings is the same. While it seems like we're talking this subject to death, I find that the concepts get clearer (at least for me) with more discussion. Or maybe I just need this beaten into my addiction-prone head.

 

Frank, what I've found is that if you can feel this way once for someone, you can feel this way for another person. (And if it's another addiction, it's not a good thing.) Please don't set yourself up for thinking she's somehow your destiny. I know it feels that way, because I've felt it, too. And I've felt like that for more than one man, but the feeling seizes your brain so strongly, it feels that way and you want to believe it. I know I've wanted to believe it, more than once.

 

Also, I know it hasn't been long since you went NC with her her, but try to stop thinking about what she's thinking. I know it's tough, because I've done that, too! And thinking that if I knew what was going through the other's head, it would somehow help me, but I rationally know that it wouldn't. If there's one thing I've learned in my experience with this phenomenon, it's that these feelings don't respond to facts at all. Rational thinking -- by that I mean trying to reason with yourself why you shouldn't feel the way you do -- is useless. Only rational action -- going and staying NC -- has a chance of helping things get better with time.

 

So here's to all of us, and the hope that we can get beyond the people we're infatuated with and experience these feelings for someone who can return them.

[GirlnamedAngel]

I was addicted to a guy once. He was a real jerk. We dated a year and a half. He cheated, would take me on dates and get mad and leave and leave me abandoned and alone wherever we were. He was awful to me. He wasn't even that cute. So just to give you a mental picture here: He was unattractive, under employed, cheap, rude, prejudice, abusive, a liar and a cheater. I was younger, much more attractive, intelligent and successful.... I was totally and unexplicably addicted to him though. No explanation for why. Anyhow... I got strong one day and just walked away... quit cold turkey... now I can see clearly... I can't stand him. He was never good to me. He still begs me back and follows me around (over a year later) and I recently had to get a restraining order... it became THAT bad.

 

If you think you might be addicted to someone walk away for one month. NO contact.... NONE. If you miss them a month later get back together... if you don't miss them you'll know it was addiction/infatuation rather than love.

[smudge21]

Frank, everytime you post it's like you're reading my mind and living my life. Everything you put in your last post was totally how I feel, except for one little difference. You say you'll never get that close with someone again, well I can honestly say that although I have felt this way too, I know that's not the case. I truly have felt this way before over someone and really have done the exact same things each and every time. So as much as I know how addicted I am right now I also know it's something that I will get over and will come out of. Same will happen for you, but like me, you have to let it - and that's the hard part. It is like giving up and I never wanted to give up, just like I never really wanted to just be a friend. I wanted more; I wanted her love.. end of.

 

That said, these feelings of need, addiction, desire, love whatever you want to call it, will eventually leave and then, and only then, maybe I can contact her and see about being friends, but once again I can look at my past and know that I never got that desire to get in touch once those feelings had gone. I guess deep down I didn't want to bring those feelings back or that I realised I'd spent too much time chasing her that I didn't want to waste any more of life and I'd fully moved on. Either way, I never saw or spoke to those people ever again, and I didn't care. They were part of my past, and that was it. So I'm guessing there's a good chance my current addiction will also become part of my past and I won't care to contact her again either. My addiction will be cured and I'll be better for it.. ready for the next one!

[smudge21]

Just to add too, I think the hardest thing to accept in any relationship is the understanding that our ex/addictions (whatever they are) don't feel the same way about us as we do about them. So we all do that hope that they're sat at home thinking about us and wanting to make contact, then we hear about them having a good time and that hurts even more then it should - how can they have a good time when they should be upset like we are?!?!?!

[Titania22]

Just to add too, I think the hardest thing to accept in any relationship is the understanding that our ex/addictions (whatever they are) don't feel the same way about us as we do about them. So we all do that hope that they're sat at home thinking about us and wanting to make contact, then we hear about them having a good time and that hurts even more then it should - how can they have a good time when they should be upset like we are?!?!?!

 

I don't know. I don't really think I have thought that. I have definately wished they would be thinking about how they want to be with me, but I haven't pictured them being upset and miserable. If anything I want them to be happy in their lives, I just wish their happy lives included me.

 

Actually the thought they might be upset is unbearable to me. I would actually shed more tears over the thought that they are upset and I am not in a position to make it better, then I do over the fact my feelings aren't reciprocated.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Things are really getting bad. After I completely blew things the other night, I freaked her out to the point that she said we can only be friends, which I agreed to do. However, I'm really, really struggling. I can't sleep or eat unless I'm drunk, high, or on Xanax, and this despite the fact that my doctor put me on Lexapro for anxiety. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I can't focus on anything else I'm trying to do. I don't understand what's wrong with me, but this is really causing serious problems and I don't know what to do about it. I'm even trying to cut down to the minimum interaction with her. I just feel awful and sick all the time like I'm going to throw up, and my chest hurts constantly. Please advise.

[smudge21]

Bruce you need to go no contact with her and as soon as possible. Say goodbye to her, tell her everything in an email so she understands what's going on. You don't want to leave anything out (any regrets will only get you thinking about contacting again) and make it really clear what you need to do, and that you are saying goodbye. Your own sanity now needs this to happen. You need to cure this addiction and time is the only cure.

[Titania22]

Things are really getting bad. After I completely blew things the other night, I freaked her out to the point that she said we can only be friends, which I agreed to do. However, I'm really, really struggling. I can't sleep or eat unless I'm drunk, high, or on Xanax, and this despite the fact that my doctor put me on Lexapro for anxiety. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I can't focus on anything else I'm trying to do. I don't understand what's wrong with me, but this is really causing serious problems and I don't know what to do about it. I'm even trying to cut down to the minimum interaction with her. I just feel awful and sick all the time like I'm going to throw up, and my chest hurts constantly. Please advise.

 

Bruce I am worried about you being on lexapro, I was on it a few years back. It could be worse for you than this girl. Please try and get off it as soon as you can manage it.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Bruce I am worried about you being on lexapro, I was on it a few years back. It could be worse for you than this girl. Please try and get off it as soon as you can manage it.

 

I was very hesitant to try it, so they put me on a pretty low dosage. So far, I haven't had any real side effects.

 

Unfortunately, I'm getting pretty marginal results. I'm still super-anxious when I'm not in contact with this girl, to the point where I struggle to eat and sleep, and sometimes have difficulty breathing. It's really freaking me out.

[nyc_guy2003]

I'm doing better with my addiction. I've weaned myself off of feeling any sexual attraction towards her anymore and now just need to get rid of the emotional attachment. That part's a little more difficult since I still think about her at least once every 15 minutes from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep.

[Titania22]

I was very hesitant to try it, so they put me on a pretty low dosage. So far, I haven't had any real side effects.

 

Unfortunately, I'm getting pretty marginal results. I'm still super-anxious when I'm not in contact with this girl, to the point where I struggle to eat and sleep, and sometimes have difficulty breathing. It's really freaking me out.

 

I understand. The highlighted is how i was when i finally agreed to anti-depressants.

 

For me the lexapro, didn't really help the anxiety, it just kept me in a drugged (almost unconscious) state, which is no way to live. When I went off it, I started by taking half a tablet, and a half every 2 days and finally stopped. I had support around me, which made a big difference.

 

I think the biggest danger with that drug, is at the point you are stopping it, so if you can have someone looking out for you then that would be the best.

 

I agree with the others about the NC thing.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I'll be honest: as much as I honestly believe you guys are right about the NC thing, I know myself, and it isn't going to happen. At least not right now. I'm going to try to muscle my way through this emotionally, and just hope to make it out the other side.

 

My birthday is in about a month, so I've decided that if, by then, she hasn't changed her mind, and I haven't made any progress dealing with this, I'm going NC. It hasn't been very long, and I'm still super-crazy about her, and she still seems to enjoy talking to me and stuff. If I can just keep my **** together long enough for her to get to know me, she actually might give me a shot. If I haven't made serious progress in the next four weeks, I'm calling it off. But I can't quit just yet.

[proactivedreamer]

Do you ever save her texts to re-read later, I mean like several weeks later? Because I've done that before. Like go through my sent messages and re-read entire conversations just to re-live them.

 

Omg! I totally do that with like every guy I have ever liked. I am currently doing that with someone who is suppose to be an fwb. I have no idea why!!!

[Titania22]

I'll be honest: as much as I honestly believe you guys are right about the NC thing, I know myself, and it isn't going to happen. At least not right now. I'm going to try to muscle my way through this emotionally, and just hope to make it out the other side.

 

My birthday is in about a month, so I've decided that if, by then, she hasn't changed her mind, and I haven't made any progress dealing with this, I'm going NC. It hasn't been very long, and I'm still super-crazy about her, and she still seems to enjoy talking to me and stuff. If I can just keep my **** together long enough for her to get to know me, she actually might give me a shot. If I haven't made serious progress in the next four weeks, I'm calling it off. But I can't quit just yet.

 

I get it Bruce, you get no judgement from me.

[smudge21]

Totally do understand what you're going through Bruce, but do feel that you're heading for more hurt and pain. The sooner you can accept defeat on this one (that's the hardest thing - accepting the loss and accepting that you have to give up) then the sooner you can begin to heal by going no contact.

 

I totally do believe that this girl likes you, but only as a friend, and her views will not change whilst you're still around being that friend that she wants you to be. I tried being their all the time for my addiction - I thought that everytime we met or even spoke it was improving my chances but in truth it was making things worse. I was becoming the reliable mate - a sholder when needed and someone who was always there, but nothing more. I was in the friendzone and therefore nothing more. I'd lied to myself that this was what I wanted and therefore I'd dug my own grave in regards to any chance of a relationship with this girl. Seriously, I'd send her texts and never get replies, but that wouldn't stop me still sending stuff. I look back now and can picture her receiving a text, realising it's from me and just deleting it. She never had to make any effort either because I was doing all the work. I'm not saying she was evil or anything, but to her I was just a friend, one of many. If she had the time she'd get in touch if she didn't, she wouldn't. I was not the most important person in her life, and never would be.

 

We can offer advice all day but the fact remains that most of us don't take advice well - I didn't. I had to get to such a low point before I decided to end it with her and say goodbye. It's totally up to you how you proceed from here, but I would seriously question this whole 'wait until my birthday' stance - you're building up this chance in your mind and I'm sure you're running through all the happy scenarios that she'll come running into your arms by then. I really hope that would happen, but do you honestly think it will?

 

This girl is the be all and end all of your life right now and I totally get that - I've been 8 weeks NC with mine and she still means so much to me. You've placed her on that pedestal and only you can take her off it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and keep posting here for support and advice.

[OliveOyl]

Things are really getting bad. After I completely blew things the other night, I freaked her out to the point that she said we can only be friends, which I agreed to do. However, I'm really, really struggling. I can't sleep or eat unless I'm drunk, high, or on Xanax, and this despite the fact that my doctor put me on Lexapro for anxiety. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I can't focus on anything else I'm trying to do. I don't understand what's wrong with me, but this is really causing serious problems and I don't know what to do about it. I'm even trying to cut down to the minimum interaction with her. I just feel awful and sick all the time like I'm going to throw up, and my chest hurts constantly. Please advise.

 

I'll be honest: as much as I honestly believe you guys are right about the NC thing, I know myself, and it isn't going to happen. At least not right now. I'm going to try to muscle my way through this emotionally, and just hope to make it out the other side.

About 25 years ago, I had a terrible obsession with a guy I worked with. We never dated, there had been some mild flirtation going on and for a while we were friends, but that was the extent of it.

 

I had never been and have not been since obsessed with anyone like I was obsessed with him. It was completely out of character for me, off the charts. Bruce, your obsession with this girl is starting to sound like similar to what I went through... which was completely and utterly all-consuming, and unhealthy, and irrational. To be frank, I was completely delusional. I ended up engaging in stalker behavior, something I'm not proud of to this day.

 

It took me about 2 YEARS (and I'm not kidding) to get this guy "out of my system." I don't think it needed to take that long, but I was too fixated and stubborn. There was NOTHING GOOD that came out of my obsession. Nada. Zilch. Zip.

 

Based on my history and what you are now saying, I would advise you to go strict NC and don't look back. Seriously. This is not healthy, it's gone over the edge now. You are on the edge of engaging in behavior that you will regret. I know what it's like and it IS like a drug addiction. NC is the best solution.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I'm almost certain that you're right, and that it's probably not a good idea, but it was only my overbearing affection that made her say we need to just be friends for a while before dating again. She felt too much pressure from me, so since then, I've been exerting no pressure at all. I've been letting her initiate contact, and I haven't been flirty or emotional at all. I've just been nice and friendly. It's just been a miserable experience, and I have to remember not to keep my phone on my person when I get really drunk with my friends, because that has not worked well for me of late.

 

So I feel like this is a decent compromise. If I haven't started feeling better, and if she doesn't explicitly express some sort of romantic interest in me by then, I'm out. I've barely known her more than a month, and on paper, she's totally perfect for me. I can't give up on this just yet.

[nyc_guy2003]

Currently on day 7 of NC with my addiction and I know she's traveling during the week of Memorial Day so if I can make it another 4 days I'm in the clear for at least 20 straight days of NC. Of course the second she contacts me I'll probably come crawling back.

[Titania22]

Well I just had the shock I needed.

 

I just found out that my addiction has a GF, and has had one for a long time.

 

I feel heart broken, sick, i have been crying.

 

I feel stupid, that I didn't know.

 

But I have a rule, which is never to fantacize/daydream about someone in a relationship. So that's it. I feel rotten that I didn't realise sooner. I feel rotten for how crazy I have felt the last couple of months especially. I feel I have a gaping hole in my chest.

 

But I also feel lucky that I finally got what I need to finally let this go. Even though it hurts. Even though I might want to relapse. I can't deny he is involved with another, and I won't let myself pretend otherwise.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

That sucks. I'm sorry that you're dealing with that, and I understand it intimately.

 

I'm actually starting to relax a little. I don't know if I'm making progress or it's just the drugs, but I don't feel quite as crazy as I did. I'm still super into this girl, and I still definitely want her, but I don't feel like it's crippling me, at least right now.

[smudge21]

The feelings will come and go. You're really no different then anyone who's been in a relationship, your feelings are just as strong, if not stronger as you haven't been allowed to express them with the person or let them out.

 

As you know, I'm totally there with you and saying goodbye to my addiction (when she finally decided to marry and settle down with her long term on/off guy) was the hardest thing I've ever done as I truly believed there was more there, there was something to fight for. That was 8 weeks ago and I've not heard a thing... on one side, she's respecting my choice and staying away, on the other she never cared one bit and I'm no longer part of her life. I like to think it's the first option (and many say it is) judging by how she was around me and things she said to others. The strongest being she felt the same way for me as she did her boyfriend, but the bond with him was always going to be stronger.

 

There's every chance your addiction may realise what she could have with you Bruce and come running, and I really hope she does. Just continue as you have been doing, prepare for the good and bad times and work through them. Getting off an addiction is never easy...