Addicted to a Person

[Frank13]

Well after 8 weeks NC my addiction has just made my heart skip a beat...

 

Long story but due to work had to email her and a few others - all business related and serious. Got a reply from her saying thanks, nothing more. Fair enough.

 

Then noticed Facebook she's just sent me a friend request. I know I can't add her, I mean, nothing has changed. She's still getting married to him, so what will be different. My goodbye letter will be for nothing if I accept her request now. I know her well and this is her testing the water again (just like random texts in the past) rather then being forward and just getting in touch. She comes across as confident but she isn't really.

 

It's actually made me feel good inside because in a way, it says to me 'yeah, she does care, always did and still is thinking of you'.

 

I can't add her, but should I ignore the request. I don't want to be rude as we are still friends, so I'm thinking a reply reminding her of why I said goodbye and why I can't add her.

 

Advice welcome...

 

Smudge I was excited to read your post. I am so happy that it made you feel good that she does care and is still thinking of you. We could all use that boost even if things can't be what we want.

 

This is a tough one. No one here can read her mind and it may one of several scenerios. One is that she does care and does want you as a friend but was respecting your wishes for NC. When you sent the business email it gave her an opening to test the waters. The bad thing is that if you add her as a friend it could go one of a few ways. She may take it as a sign to open up communication with you again (something you may or may not want).

 

She could just be wanting an ego boost or to see if you are still thinking about her, and once she gets it by you accepting her request, she will be done with you.

 

I don't know her but so many people on Facebook add friends just to look popular. Lets face it, no one really has 300 to 5000 real friends. Could that be all she is after?

 

I guess none of the above matters because you can't add her. The dilemma is whether to ignore her or send an email explaining why you can't add her.

I am a little confused as you said "I don't want to be rude as we are still friends". I thought that the friendship ended with the goodbye email.

 

I guess in the strictest sense, ignoring her would be the logical thing to do. You sent her the goodbye email so she is aware of what's going on. Emotionally though, it might make you feel good to hear from her occassionally and know she is thinking about you. It might even help you to move on or it may do the opposite.

 

I occassionally check my email for messages from my addiction. I am 99.99% sure there won't be any ever again. Part of me hopes there are none and part of me hopes there is one. The part that makes me hope there is one keeps me from moving on though. Things won't change so what good is an email going to do?

 

The line was drawn in the sand when she decided to get married. Woman can have guys as just friends and nothing more. That may be all she is looking for. Basically having her cake (her marriage) and eating it too (you as a friend). Is that what you want?

 

As I said, this is a tough one. Personally I would do nothing for the time being. I don't do Facebook but am a little familiar with the friend request. I don't know if you have to ignore it right away or can just sit on it for a few days and see if she follows up with an email.

 

If you do send the email what are you hoping would be the result? Do you want a reply telling you how she misses you and that's why she sent the request? Will you be hurt if she doesn't reply or simply says "I understand"?

 

If you can't be friends and know you won't be in the future, does it really matter that she might think you are rude? I know that if you have even a glimmer of hope that you two could be friends, you don't want her to think you are rude. It is a tough one.

 

I hope others have better advice but I am happy she did make you feel better.

Edited May 28, 2011 by Frank13

[smudge21]

I guess I should've said that even though we're not in touch, I still consider her a friend as she does me. There was no anger or hatred when I said goodbye, so if I contacted her it would be out of respect and kindness.

 

Also I wouldn't really be wanting anything from it. When I said goodbye I knew that I had to do that otherwise she'd always be getting in touch and I would always be too weak to just ignore her. I had to force myself to walk away. So now she's opened that door for whatever her reasons are, testing the water is my guess. I think I will need to just send a quick message on FB telling her I can't, sorry. I do agree that if I did add her, then yeah, she could easily talk to me for a while and then go quiet again - afterall, nothing as far as I know, has changed, so she's hardly likely to treat me any better.

 

I would like to be her friend again - like I was at the beginning, but I need to get rid of these feelings first. I'll sleep on it for a day or two and see if she sends anything else. I do feel good though, not because I'm thinking that she suddenly wants me back, but it's just nice to know she still cares... just like I do about her.

[Frank13]

I think sitting on it or a day or two uis a good plan. Maybe simply telling her that you can't would be enough. That way you aren't rude but are letting her know. Maybe she will ask why not.

 

With my addiction I told her I had to end the friendship. I told her I need to get her completely out of my life. She wasn't happy about that but said she would respect my decision. 25 days later of NC and I haven't heard a word from her, which is good. I just hope she leaves me alone, at least for another month or two as I don't want to go back to day one and she can easily break me down and get me to talk to her if she wants to.

[smudge21]

Sounds like we both did the same thing - I said goodbye to mine just over 2 months ago, now this. Okay, it's only a friend invite - her way of showing the door is open and she's missing me, without saying it. It's subtle. It's sweet. It's her.

 

I'm probably going to just say that, like I said in my email, I would love to be her friend, but can't do it. It's not what I really want right now. I want what I can't have, what she can't give me. Thanks for the friend invite but I have to turn it down, but it's good to know the friendship we had will always be there when I'm ready.

[Frank13]

Good luck smudge. Let us know how it turns out, but I suspect it will be the end of it for now.

 

It is cool that she will wait for your friendship. I figure once I am over my addiction, I won't want the firendship, and if I don't when I was the one with the stronger feelings, I don't think she will either.

[nyc_guy2003]

Well after 8 weeks NC my addiction has just made my heart skip a beat...

 

Long story but due to work had to email her and a few others - all business related and serious. Got a reply from her saying thanks, nothing more. Fair enough.

 

Then noticed Facebook she's just sent me a friend request. I know I can't add her, I mean, nothing has changed. She's still getting married to him, so what will be different. My goodbye letter will be for nothing if I accept her request now. I know her well and this is her testing the water again (just like random texts in the past) rather then being forward and just getting in touch. She comes across as confident but she isn't really.

 

It's actually made me feel good inside because in a way, it says to me 'yeah, she does care, always did and still is thinking of you'.

 

I can't add her, but should I ignore the request. I don't want to be rude as we are still friends, so I'm thinking a reply reminding her of why I said goodbye and why I can't add her.

 

Advice welcome...

 

This kind of happens with my addiction as well, we'll go a few weeks without communicating and then I'll have to email her something business-related (she sells financial services to my firm) and she'll respond saying we need to get together to catch up. In the beginning I felt flattered by the attention, but then I realized that she just completely forgets about me when we're not in contact, and my emails just jog her memory and make her realize we haven't talked in a while. So this might be the same situation here...she added you to facebook because you reminded her you still exist, but otherwise she wouldn't care. Maybe the understanding that this isn't really a gesture of affection on her part, and that you're reading a lot more into it than she intended, would make it easier for you to ignore it.

[smudge21]

Yeah, I've had that thought too - that the contact jarred her memory, but I also know that even before I said goodbye, when I was being quiet with her, she would send random texts every few weeks - just testing the water sort of thing. I think part of her problem is she's not one to show emotion and has never received it from ex's or even family in the past, so the way things are between us may be completely foreign to her.

 

Either way, I've replied to her request saying I can't accept it due to the fact nothings changed and I still feel the same way. I've been polite as there's no need for anger here. I believe she once again is testing the water. I'm just being honest with her and I'm sure she'll see it that way.

 

My feelings for her are very strong, but right now I feel okay about it all. I guess I am moving on after 2 months, but also seeing this request has made me remember that she did care... and still does... even if it will never amount to anything.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

We had dinner at her place tonight, and I could tell she was getting annoyed with me for no reason. After I left, we talked online for a bit, and she confirmed that she's sleeping with that other guy, despite the fact that he doesn't want to date her.

 

I feel like such a stupid, worthless, cheap piece of ****. Why am I so completely hung up on a girl who would rather be with someone who doesn't want her than with me? What is my ****ing problem? I ****ing hate myself right now. I'm going to drug myself to sleep.

[Titania22]

We had dinner at her place tonight, and I could tell she was getting annoyed with me for no reason. After I left, we talked online for a bit, and she confirmed that she's sleeping with that other guy, despite the fact that he doesn't want to date her.

 

I feel like such a stupid, worthless, cheap piece of ****. Why am I so completely hung up on a girl who would rather be with someone who doesn't want her than with me? What is my ****ing problem? I ****ing hate myself right now. I'm going to drug myself to sleep.

 

 

Bruce, isn't this enough to be able to say "Screw her! She isn't the girl I thought she was, and I am worth more than this."

 

I.e. hasn't she just given you the ammo you need to get over her?

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Bruce, isn't this enough to be able to say "Screw her! She isn't the girl I thought she was, and I am worth more than this."

 

I.e. hasn't she just given you the ammo you need to get over her?

 

I wish. We'll see if it helps at all, but I honestly doubt it.

[DreamerGirl27]

Hey Guys,

 

I have recently realised I am susceptible to become addicted to people occasionally. It's pretty rare, but I have no idea what causes me to become addicted to the people I do, and not to anyone else. I figure it would be very difficult to avoid alcohol as an alcoholic, if the only way you could recognise it was to take a sip.

 

I am wondering if anyone else here has been addicted to a person (or people).

 

For clarification, I have never got anywhere with anyone I have become addicted to. I think my behaviour changes in such a way that I become somewhat repellent (at least as far as intimacy and sex goes).

 

I wonder how likely I am to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone, when (a) I could become addicted to someone whilst in the relationship and (b) how could I judge actually loving someone in a healthy way, when i have a history of confusing "loving, being in love" with "being addicted to"?

 

Well that's some of the thoughts going on in my mind.

 

For those of you who remember me posting about a month ago, about meeting my dream man, yes the interaction has inspired the train of thought. I also realised that it was my feelings that made him seem physically (mentally and in all ways) perfect, not him actually being perfect.

 

Definitely understand where you're coming from. I get attached (or addicted) as you put it very easily and at the same time, not so easily. When I meet a person I really like a lot, I definitely become addicted. But I'm really picky and I don't become addicted to just anyone, but when I do, holy shizzle is it bad.

 

Anyway, I'm slowly gettin' over that and trying to relax a little, but it's not easy.

 

Just hang in there, things will get better. You won't always do that. How old are you? Because it does get better as you get older.

[Titania22]

Definitely understand where you're coming from. I get attached (or addicted) as you put it very easily and at the same time, not so easily. When I meet a person I really like a lot, I definitely become addicted. But I'm really picky and I don't become addicted to just anyone, but when I do, holy shizzle is it bad.

 

Anyway, I'm slowly gettin' over that and trying to relax a little, but it's not easy.

 

Just hang in there, things will get better. You won't always do that. How old are you? Because it does get better as you get older.

 

38.

[smudge21]

We had dinner at her place tonight, and I could tell she was getting annoyed with me for no reason. After I left, we talked online for a bit, and she confirmed that she's sleeping with that other guy, despite the fact that he doesn't want to date her.

 

I feel like such a stupid, worthless, cheap piece of ****. Why am I so completely hung up on a girl who would rather be with someone who doesn't want her than with me? What is my ****ing problem? I ****ing hate myself right now. I'm going to drug myself to sleep.

 

You need to stop blaming yourself. You've got strong emotional feelings for this girl and they're hard to break, and everytime you hear something like this, you feel you should walk away, but that bond won't let you, so you make yourself feel worse.

 

The addiction I've been talking about has similar warning signs - she loves attention, craves it. Can be a terrible flirt and often takes it all the way. I believe she slept with a mutual friend over Xmas last year, even though she was engaged to her long term on/off boyfriend... yep, plenty of warning signs there and so many have told me I'm better off without - yet I still have such strong feelings for her. I can't help it.

 

This girl of yours, you too know she's wrong for you - will probably end up hurting you too, but like me, you can't walk away. We both have that emotional bond, that attachment to them that won't let us go. That bond never breaks, it just fades away over time.

 

My recent contact with my addiction (she replied to my message with simple 'xxx' - she's never been one to handle emotion or show it, so that's a typical response to something as emotional as I sent her) has brought back a lot of feelings and memories. 2 months NC and I feel like I did at the beginning. I do know that I need to get back on NC though, and so do you. It is the only way you'll remove that emotional attachment you have.

 

Put it this way - you know now she's sleeping with another guy, and because she's telling you about it it's clear she's seeing you as a friend who she can confide in. Yeah, it's nice to be that close, I was with mine. However it's not what you want is it? You don't want to be the friend, you want to be lover. You want to be with her totally and exclusively. Friendship isn't enough and never will be. It took me a while to convince myself of that and when I did, that's when I said goodbye. You know there's very little chance she'll ever feel the same way about you as you do about her... I know that hurts to think about (it hurts to realise that about mine) but you must accept it and say goodbye.

 

I do honestly have every intention of one day being friends with my addiction, but only when I can truly just be friends, when that emotional bond is long gone. That will only happen over time, time away from her. As hard as it is to accept that someone you love doesn't feel the same way, it's often the thing you have to do. I feel your pain, totally.

[Frank13]

Here is another post I thought would be really short but ended up long.

 

Today I went into work after taking some time off to help get over my addiction. It has been 27 days NC and I was slowly getting better and better to where she wasn't even in my thoughts most of the day.

 

Well I didn't see or hear her today but just being there and knowing she was around took me back to day one. Plus the added stress of trying to avoid her and worrying about accidently running into each other didn't help. One thing that I was finally able to pinpoint with my emotions was that of denial. Logically I know that things will never be, but emotionally I couldn't wrap my brain (or heart) around it. It just seemed impossible that this was the case. Again I was thinking that the only way out of this was to quit my job. I was getting really depressed, couldn't concentrate on my work, and didn't care. I saw a future of me getting fired for not doing my job.

 

I was trying to be strong and to "fake it until I make it" as others have suggested, in case I ran into her, but there was no way I could pull that off. I knew if she saw me I would appear like the wuss that I am and she would lose respect for me. I knew the best thing I could do was to show her I was over her and happy with my life, but I couldn't. I had given up all control to her. I was thinking of you guys and gals from LS and wishing you were there to give me support.

 

Since I was feeling the same as day one, I had an extreme urge to call her and tell her that I miss her. I know it wouldn't help and I know I need to stay NC, but since I felt like I went back to day one, I figured what difference would it make to get my fix?

 

My addiction ended up going home early and I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but quite a bit later in the day things started to change. I started interacting with more people (thanks smudge for that suggestion) and I would get these momentary feelings of being strong and in control. I spent my lunch hour walking briskly and that seemed to help.

 

Anyway, by the end of the day I was starting to feel that I was really getting over her. I started to realize that she was not really even that good of a friend to me and here is why.

 

I used to listen to her as she told me all about her personal life but she would rarely ask me about mine (usually only after talking herself out and me being silent). I would give her little presents but got nothing in return (not that I wanted or expected anything). I would compliment her. At her request I would help her with personal and work things but I never asked her for help. When she had problems, she cried on my shoulder.

 

I had thought of these things before but couldn't see through the fog so refused to believe she was using me. Now I realized logically that she was just using me. I was an ego boost and attention for her. Maybe it wasn't intentional, but she was doing it none the less. Then she would go home to her nice personal life knowing there was a guy at work fawning over her. She was having her cake and eating it too.

 

With this in mind I came to a stunning revelation. Even though my feelings are stronger than hers and it hurts a lot, SHE is the one who lost EVERYTHING when I ended the friendship. I am no longer around to listen to her, compliment her, give her gifts, help her, or lend my shoulder to cry on. I have instantly and totally vanished.

 

What have I lost as far as a friend? Other than a few laughs, quite frankly nothing. By the end of today I was asking myself if I wanted the "friendship" back and the answer was "NO".

 

Part of the reason we feel bad is the fact that we think our addiction is over us. When we think or hear that they aren't we feel better. I thought since all she lost was the friendship, she was already over me. Now I am seriously doubting that. She lost a lot.

 

My original intent was to completely avoid her and stay NC for 3 to 4 months, and possibly 6 months. I wanted to do this for two reasons. The main reason was to heal. The second reason is that I like to talk and joke with the guys at work (something she wished I would do with her before she befriended me) and I didn't want to rub this in her face too soon. It killed me on day 9 of NC when I heard her laughing with a guy (because I felt she was already over me) and I didn't want to do the same to her. But the way I am feeling right now, I don't even feel the need to avoid her. I don't want to talk to her and will ignore her like I did before she befriended me. But I no longer see a reason for her to think that I haven't gotten over her. Maybe she will think I wasn't really in love with her if I got over her so soon. Before that would have concerned me, but now who cares? I don't.

 

So at this instant I feel in control and powerful. I feel happy and know that I can make myself happy without her. People always preach this but when you are hurting it you can't imagine that. I feel like I can go to work tomorrow and be myself, with her in the background (on the outside looking in). Not to do her harm (although now that I realized she used me I wouldn't care if she was hurt or not).

 

Tomorrow I may wake up and be back to day one, but right now I am good.

[smudge21]

Nice one Frank, proud of ya' son!

 

I can remember that same realisation with my first love - we'd been off and on for sometime then one chance meeting we got talking but she was so cold towards me, I then realised this is how she always had been. I remember just walking away, left her at a bus stop and never looked back... may have even been in mid conversation, lol.

 

My point is you're hit a milestone and you're rose tinted glasses have finally come off. They're still in your pocket though, so be wary of putting them back on. It's scary how easy someone we care about can worm their way back into our lives, all it takes is that same sweetness they showed at the beginning. Try anchoring the feelings you have now - by that I mean take all these feelings and positive energy and connect it mentally to a place or an item. Do that as often as possible and that item becomes your anchor - by seeing or touching it, it will help bring those feelings back. I do that whenever I have one of those days where everything just feels right.

 

I'd like to say I'm there with you but after my little bit of contact over the weekend, I've been brought back to square one. I too am feeling like I should contact her or at least send another message... no idea what to say, just some pathetic attempt to keep the talking going. I know I won't, but I'm just tempted. Amazing how one little message can affect me so much.

[Frank13]

I know no one is a mind reader but I have one thing I want to run by you guys and gals in relation to my situation and see what you think.

 

On day 9 of NC my addiction appeared in a place where she knew I was at (but we didn't talk). She could have avoided it if she wanted to but she didn't. I just figured she was just going about her business and since I was the one with the problem, she had no reason to avoid me. I also thought maybe she was hoping I would talk to her, since I have broken down in the past when I tried to go NC and saw her, but I quickly dismissed that idea as I felt that would be cruel of her knowing why I was NC.

 

Back when I first told my addiction that I had to end the friendship, I told her I have to get her completely out of my life in order to get her out of my system. I also told her I might take some time off to help get over her. She did say that maybe after I come back from the time off I will be okay to be friends again.

 

Today was my first day back (day 27 of NC) and without going into details, my addiction did something that obviously showed that she was avoiding me.

 

The thing is she didn't try to avoid me on day 9 of NC and she also knew there was a possibility that I would be okay to be friends after my time off (I half way expected her to come and ask me) so why would she avoid me now?

 

I don't think she is trying to be compassionate and letting me heal by avoiding me because she didn't do that on day 9 of NC. Plus she knew there was a chance I would be okay being friends after my time off, yet she didn't come around and didn't make herself available even if I wanted to tell her I was now okay with being friends.

 

Do you think that she may have fallen for me, and since she knows we can't be together, she is trying to avoid me in order to get over me? When I went NC with her a couple months ago for several weeks is when she said she developed more than "just friend" feelings and that they got stronger when we stopped NC. Could this be the same thing happening?

 

Could it just be that she was hoping that we could be friends and didn't want to find out today that we can't? Or is she over me and just being compassionate to let me heal without me risking feelings coming back by being friends?

 

Not that it matters as you have seen my posting above but I am more curious than anything.

[Frank13]

Nice one Frank, proud of ya' son!

 

I can remember that same realisation with my first love - we'd been off and on for sometime then one chance meeting we got talking but she was so cold towards me, I then realised this is how she always had been. I remember just walking away, left her at a bus stop and never looked back... may have even been in mid conversation, lol.

 

My point is you're hit a milestone and you're rose tinted glasses have finally come off. They're still in your pocket though, so be wary of putting them back on. It's scary how easy someone we care about can worm their way back into our lives, all it takes is that same sweetness they showed at the beginning. Try anchoring the feelings you have now - by that I mean take all these feelings and positive energy and connect it mentally to a place or an item. Do that as often as possible and that item becomes your anchor - by seeing or touching it, it will help bring those feelings back. I do that whenever I have one of those days where everything just feels right.

 

I'd like to say I'm there with you but after my little bit of contact over the weekend, I've been brought back to square one. I too am feeling like I should contact her or at least send another message... no idea what to say, just some pathetic attempt to keep the talking going. I know I won't, but I'm just tempted. Amazing how one little message can affect me so much.

 

Thank you Smudge. I appreciaite your input so much. You are so smart! Your comment that my rose tinted glasses have finally come off BUT are still in my pocket is such an intelligent thing to say and is great advice. The reason I know this is because I went from square one to being over her in less than 8 hours. How is that possible I wonder and the answer is that the glasses are still in my pocket. They have not been thrown away yet. I even said that I might be back to square one tomorrow.

 

Thanks so much for telling me about them worming their way back into our life with the sweetness they showed at the beginning, Even when all the signs showed she was using me, my heart was telling me of the laughs, the beautiful smile, the look in her eyes. I know I have to be careful and will keep on course with NC to see if I can stay the way I feel today.

 

The anchoring was another great tip. I never knew or thought of that. We all have triggers that make us think lovingly of them. I need to anchor todays feelings. I have had these same exact thoughts in the past about her using me and her friendship not being good but I always dismissed them, because I was in a fog. Should I use an item at work as that is when I feel weakest or something more personal?

 

I am so sorry you are back to square one after 8 weeks. I was so happy for you when I heard it made you feel better. I never thought it would put you back to square one. I know that is a problem I had with my addiction. If she wasn't constantly validating me, I felt bad. One day she would say something to show she cared so I was on top of the world. Then the next day if she didn't do or say something, I felt that her feelings changed to the opposite overnight. Insecurity I know but when they aren't yours you are always thinking they stopped caring.

 

I am hoping what appears to be a setback to day one will quickly turn into only a couple steps back.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Put it this way - you know now she's sleeping with another guy, and because she's telling you about it it's clear she's seeing you as a friend who she can confide in. Yeah, it's nice to be that close, I was with mine. However it's not what you want is it? You don't want to be the friend, you want to be lover. You want to be with her totally and exclusively. Friendship isn't enough and never will be. It took me a while to convince myself of that and when I did, that's when I said goodbye. You know there's very little chance she'll ever feel the same way about you as you do about her... I know that hurts to think about (it hurts to realise that about mine) but you must accept it and say goodbye.

 

I do honestly have every intention of one day being friends with my addiction, but only when I can truly just be friends, when that emotional bond is long gone. That will only happen over time, time away from her. As hard as it is to accept that someone you love doesn't feel the same way, it's often the thing you have to do. I feel your pain, totally.

 

I don't think she she was "confiding" in me, per se. It was more that she was admitting it. Though, I already knew in my heart. I knew she was crashing at his place a couple of nights a week, and I'm not a stupid person. It still stung to have her tell me, though I'm not really sure why. I don't know if it's because I can't lie and tell myself otherwise anymore, or maybe it's because of what the fact that she didn't want me to know allowed me to tell myself about her feelings for me.

 

I can't even get mad at her. I'm not sure if it's because I'm so crazy about her that I can't hold her responsible for anything or because I know that, in reality, she's been really honest with me the whole time. She never asked me to be exclusive with her, and in fact has pushed me to see other people (which I'm starting to do). She always told me she was going to continue to see other people. And she was very clear that she wasn't ready for any sort of commitment to me. She even told me a while ago that she had stronger feelings for this other guy.

 

And I do blame myself for this. The warning signs were always there, and I saw them. But I was either unable or unwilling to hold back emotionally. I've never felt this way about a girl before, especially not this fast.

 

Most of you guys talk about how you knew your "addictions" for a pretty long time before you developed feelings for them. In my case, I basically fell for her after the first time we met face to face. Which I know is completely insane, but that's what happened. She was just so charming and funny and open and sexy and basically everything I want. And that's what is making it so hard to let go: other than the fact that she doesn't want me (obviously a small hurdle), she's perfect. It's not like this is just some crazy emotional nonsense. Objectively, I know that we'd be great together.

 

But anyway, what scares me is that this has never happened to me before. I don't know how or even if I can just get over her with NC, or anything else. The doctor has me on medication for anxiety, and thought it's only been a couple of weeks, I'm not getting a ton of benefit. The panic attacks have more or less stopped when we're not in contact, but the overall ****tiness that I feel hasn't gone anywhere.

 

And moreover, I don't want to go NC. I really like being with her and talking to her. And I just can't convince myself that there's no way she'll change her mind about me. Maybe it's just me allowing my ego to interpret signals that aren't really there, but some of the things that she says to me make me feel like she could fall for me if she allowed herself to.

 

And this other guy is kind of ****ty to her.

Edited May 31, 2011 by TheyCallMeBruce

[smudge21]

Frank, in answer to your first question, wondering what your addiction is thinking, well maybe she's thinking what to eat for breakfast tomorrow, what new car to buy, if she can afford those shoes she saw yesterday... basically you cannot know what is going on in her mind, but I agree, it is nice to think that maybe she does have feelings for you, and yes, she may have feelings for you. She may be crying in her car every night thinking about what she's lost. You don't know and in many ways, it's best you don't.

 

The three kisses from my addiction after the friend request has got my mind wandering so much - what's she thinking? why's she added me? why the simple kisses?... my answers are everything from she misses me and wants me back, wants to know if I still love her as I said I did, was too upset to reply and could only put three kisses instead...

 

There is no way of knowing and even asking doesn't mean you'd get the correct answer. I could tell you not to think about it, but that's like me telling you not to breath. Just concentrate on feeling better and accept that maybe she doesn't care one little bit, but maybe she cares more then she's letting on... Eventually in time, one way or another you'll get your answer.

 

As for me, I feel a bit better now, so maybe I haven't gone back to day one just yet. I think it was more the fact after the friend request I was hoping for more - I mean, she knew how I felt yet still sent the request, so why even send it, she surely knew what my reply would be. I like to think there's more there, but right now I've no idea... I can only guess (sound familiar?).

 

Bruce, I really feel for you, especially with all the hurt you're going through and the fact you can't pull yourself away from it. I understand that - It's like having an itch, you know it'll hurt at the end, but for now it just feels so good to scratch it.

 

I really wish you could back away (same as myself and Frank have done) as this may be the only way things could change between you and her - at the moment she is getting what she wants, so she's no reason to act any differently around you, or show you any real interest. You're always there, and always will be. If you could back away, maybe it might make her realise how she feels about you.

 

Obviously there's no way any of us can say what would happen if you did back off, but surely it's got to be worth a try as you're only hurting yourself more each day at the moment. This girl is so under your skin that no matter when you decide to walk away, it's going to hurt. I guess it's simply a choice of when you do it.

 

Oh and I totally know what you mean by this girl being perfect. I thought the same about my recent addiction. I too liked her from the first time I met her, but it wasn't emotional, more friends for us and it was her who took the lead. The thing is though, that I've thought 2 other women were also perfect in my life, but eventually (once that emotional connection had gone) I realised they weren't and moved on. I can still remember them, but have no feelings what so ever for either of them. I can't even remember feeling that way.

 

I know it's hard to believe but there will be a time when you are past this addiction; when the emotional bond you have will be broken and you'll look back at all this and find it hard to remember feeling this way. I can't say when that will happen, that's up to you, but I do know for a fact that it will happen.

 

You say about her changing her mind, well put yourself in her shoes. Picture everything from her eyes. Try to see yourself and how you react around her. If you had someone always there for you would you feel compelled to change in any way. Why would you, you have what you want. People always love a challenge, always want what is out of reach - it's what drives us to keep bettering ourselves. We want something, we work for it, we get it, we're happy... then we want something else... Same for people. There's no challenge for her... give her that challenge.

 

Read what Frank is doing and how he's dealing with things.

[Frank13]

Smudge, glad you are feeling better. The only thing I can tell you about the 3 kisses is that my addiction only mentioned feelings being from her heart or put hearts <3 in her emails is when I was ignoring her or went NC due to misunderstandings. It's like she was making a desperate attempt to hold on to me. When things were well, I never got that.

 

To me it almost looks like bread crumbs. She tries to get back in, you decline, so she sends you the kisses. It is enough to drive you mad.

 

Today I am feeling kind of in the middle. I am feeling a little afraid that once I get to work I am going to slip back. I think a lot of what happened yesterday was my perception that she avoided me. Maybe there was a different reason for it, or she wasn't doing it at all and I just took it that way. It is the same thing I mentioned before. One day they do something to make you think they care and the next day you are again wondering of they do. Hell, if my feelings can change in a day like they did yesterday, hers probably can too.

[Frank13]

Bruce, check out this thread -

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278317/

 

The guy was in a similar situation. He had been going after this girl for a long time, even when she said there was no future. Finally I had to give him some tough love and he took my advice. It is always easy to give the tough love when you aren't in the situation and hard to follow it when you are.

[smudge21]

Yeah, I know my addiction has an issue with showing emotion and even accepting it. Comes from her childhood. Think she's scared of being hurt like she was as a kid. That's just my take on it anyway. So I'm guessing what is happening between me and her is all new to her - she normally doesn't send friend requests and definitely doesn't have them knocked back. I like to think she simply doesn't know how to respond - wants my friendship but doesn't know how to get it or what to say.

 

You can only focus on your feelings, not hers. Like I said above, I like to THINK what she's doing, but there's no way I can know. If it makes you feel better then THINK your addiction is missing you and wanting you. Have that attitude and stroll into work with your head held high. It's just as likely she is missing you as she isn't missing you - you don't know. You can't know. Until the day she comes up to you and tells otherwise, just think positive and use that positivity to keep focused.

 

Just try to remember that there's no way any woman is going to want a man who is always at her feet and looking all sad and desperate. If she does, then she won't respect him, to use and abuse him. There will be no love. You can't love what you can't respect. You need to be alpha male and she needs to see this - she needs to see the person she first got interested in. Look at yourself and compare how you were back then to how you are now, and make the changes needed. Even if they're just on the outside, then do it. Show that attitude to her and maybe she'll start acting differently around you, which in turn will make you feel better.

 

Don't focus on her feelings, focus on yours, cos you can't affect her feelings but you can always affect your own.

[smudge21]

Just read a post in a thread entitled "once a slut..." by a guy called Sanskrit. He basically explains how some girls will treat nice guys as opposed to the ones who they just sleep with. It's detailed but really hit a nerve for me and made me realise a few things in relation to my current and past addictions.

 

I never slept with my addictions, some I fooled around with and we did other things, but never went all the way. Yet I do know that they were fairly open to sex and not afraid of one night stands. My current addiction had slept with 9 other guys since the age of 14 (now 21) and whenever she talked about them it always seemed that they were just numbers. There was no feelings there, no love, no regret that they've gone. Nothing. Maybe at the time there was, but the way she spoke, I always felt they were nothing more than a tool. A bit of fun.

 

Now I've seen a few of these 'other guys' (thanks to social networking) and have to say, not what you'd call the type to be fighting them off with a stick. Definitely no male models in that bunch (which considering how my current addiction looks is quite shocking she'd even consider them). So of course I look back at what happened between us over last summer mostly. Yeah we got close, very close. At one point I know for definite she wanted to go all the way but I was playing it cool and happy to take things slow. In my defence, she meant more to me and I felt that I didn't want to be just her number 10. She'd also said numerous times that I was different to other guys she'd met. Nothing happened though in that time, which I know did play on her mind a bit - not only was she the one that got away for me, but I was the one that got away for her too.

 

Now take Sanskrits post and add into my scenario. I'm the nice guy - the guy she's never met before. Someone who treats her well, respects her (that's the big one), cares for her, talks to her like a friend and loves her (even without saying it, she knew it). So I'm the one she doesn't sleep with as opposed to guys she's known for less time. Now I used to see this as so unfair - I mean, she's really stunning so why can't I have what those other guys had - that was my take on it. But now I see it as the respect I had for her also made her feel differently for me. She too respected and cared for me enough to not want to rush things, to take her time and get to know me. Maybe she even loved me...

 

So okay, I never got 'lucky' with my addiction, but I know that at the time I wanted it to be more. She was never a one-night stand girl to me. She meant more and I wanted her to know that. Getting sex is easy, getting someone you're really connected to who means the world to you is difficult. I always thought it was all one sided, but now I realise that maybe she felt the same way. I was as interesting, as different, as unique, as special to her as she was to me. The fact that even though she's engaged, due to be married to her long term on/off boyfriend, and that we said goodbye 2 months ago, she's still thinking about me enough to send a friend request. She knows I love her - I told her when I said goodbye - yet she still tries to add me back as a friend.

 

No matter how this turns out (I'm betting it's not the last I've heard from her) at least I know that I had some affect on her. That my actions (or lack of action) showed her that I respected and cared for her, and loved her a lot more than anyone else ever has. And I know now that she always knew that and has never forgotten it... and maybe never will. I may not have become her number 10, but clearly I'm someone she still thinks about.

 

Just thought I'd share that...

[Frank13]

You can only focus on your feelings, not hers. Like I said above, I like to THINK what she's doing, but there's no way I can know. If it makes you feel better then THINK your addiction is missing you and wanting you. Have that attitude and stroll into work with your head held high. It's just as likely she is missing you as she isn't missing you - you don't know. You can't know. Until the day she comes up to you and tells otherwise, just think positive and use that positivity to keep focused.

 

Smudge I sent you a PM.

 

I know she has feelings for me. She just can't act on them. Before I knew for sure that she couldn't act on them, it kept me very positive. I was just curious why she didn't avoid me on day 9 of NC but avoided me on day 27 after I took some time off that she thought might help me clear my head. Hell, maybe she lost respect for me and doesn't want to be my friend and was afraid i would come back saying we could be friends again so is avoiding me. I told her I had to end the friendship and she knows why so I don't think she will ever come and talk to me.

 

Just try to remember that there's no way any woman is going to want a man who is always at her feet and looking all sad and desperate. If she does, then she won't respect him, to use and abuse him. There will be no love. You can't love what you can't respect. You need to be alpha male and she needs to see this - she needs to see the person she first got interested in. Look at yourself and compare how you were back then to how you are now, and make the changes needed. Even if they're just on the outside, then do it. Show that attitude to her and maybe she'll start acting differently around you, which in turn will make you feel better.

 

Don't focus on her feelings, focus on yours, cos you can't affect her feelings but you can always affect your own.

 

I told the guy in the thread that I referred Bruce to that the problem was the girl didn't respect him and you can't have love without respect so I know what you are saying. I even mentioned how hard this is and referred to the "fake it until you make it" which is a lot easier said than done. I tried yesterday when i was feeling like day one and there was no way in hell I could fake being strong, even though I knew this is what she likes about me. It was only later when I didn't care that I felt strong. It is so true that when you want something you are weak and it pushes the person that you want away. However, if you act strong, they want you. The problem with that is the way to be 100% strong is to not want them at all.

[Frank13]

Just an update on whether my feelings from yesterday changed back. My addiction was off today. When I came in I felt an empty spot in my heart because she wasn't there, but not as bad as it has been.

 

My feelings fluctuated through out the day but not to extremes and they seemed to not last long before changing from one to another.

 

First I just felt a little sadness. Then I felt like I was over her. This even got me seriously thinking I should tell her I have lost the feelings for her. Then it snowballed in to me wanting to tell her why I lost them and how I thought she was a crappy friend. I thought why should she get to think I am pining for her when I am not and that she used me so maybe she deserves to be hurt by me telling her. Then I wondered if there was even any point in saying anything if I was over her and didn't want the friendship.

 

Then I felt I was so over her could talk to her with no problem, but even so I was going to stay NC as I saw no harm in going NC longer than needed, rather than quitting too soon and relapsing.

 

I was feeling good that I no longer had to deal with the drama. Of course that made me just think we could go back to being friends. I tried to remember all the things I thought of yesterday that made me not want to be friends but I started remembering the good times and laughter. I was actually happy for a while. Then it just caused the feelings to come back and by the end of the night I was missing her badly and feeling scared and in denial that it is over.

 

I try to tell myself that she is either missing me, which should make me feel better, or that she isn't and doesn't care so I need to move on either way.

 

I guess it is just part of the process. I went from knowing it was over and that I could be strong to feeling we could be just friends, to having the feelings return again. However, the feelings didn't stay for hours like normal but they didn't go completely away.

 

So I am back to concentrating on NC and will have to avoid her.

 

I do have a question. Once the feelings pass, do you think I should tell her? Does her thinking I have feelings make her not respect me because she knows I am there for the taking? Or does it make her think fondly of me? If this is the case it just seems to help them forget you and move on.

 

Smudge, with your addiction it seems she thinks fondly of you because you have feelings. However, in my experience, when you love someone who doesn't feel the same, your love doesn't mean anything to them.

 

I have kind of decided against telling her she was a crappy friend but not sure if I should let her know the feelings have passed once that happens.

The weird thing is that the times when she showed the most feelings for me is when we had a misunderstanding and she felt she had let me down or that I didn't like her or want to be friends.