Danneth Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 I've not had time to read through this thread in its entirety (2am over here!), so I decided to start off by reading Bruce's posts. Will check through the rest of the thread tomorrow. Bruce, I know how you felt about this girl. I've been in the situation before and have felt very similar to you. The ups and downs, the interpretation of every little detail, the worrying over you present messages, trying to play it cool and let her make the move to initiate the conversation. I can fully appreciate your story because I have been there before. There was one girl I wanted for the best part of 18 months. I wanted nobody but her. It didn't end well either. Like you, I could spot the warning signs. I could see that my obsession was unhealthy but I never truly admitted it to myself. Moreover, I refused to let it stand in the way of my obsession with her. Time is a healer, and eventually, my depressive & destructive feelings for her wore away. I had to stop speaking to her though. Today, I still harbour feelings for her. They're just dormant. I can keep them that way these days. I don't think my infatuation of her will ever go away though. She could ring me up right now (even though we haven't properly spoken for over a year), tell me that she wants me, and I'd drive hours to meet her at 2am in the morning. I'm rather content with my feelings for her, they're just not destructive anymore. I guess I grew accustomed to the idea that we're not meant to be together. I know it sounds like I'm just content to talk since I'm at the other side of my obsession, but believe me, my pining was a long, hard and rather pathetic. Check my post history if you don't believe me. The point of this post is that it'll get easier... eventually. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Agree with Danneth that eventually, just like all feelings, yours will fade too Bruce. You've never really given them a chance to go and I can understand that - you don't want them to go. You don't want to lose her. Even though you've not been in a long term relationship with this girl, your feelings are just as strong and so your healing will be just as tough, but it will happen. I'm still very much addicted to mine at present (I stupidly sent her a message on FB, nothing too major, just comment on her profile pic, which is all I can see now) and I know there's a huge part of me that doesn't want it to just end. After nearly a year of knowing this girl I can't bear the fact that this is all going to fade into nothing... nothing, after all these emotions. Nothing at all. That really scares me and in some ways keeps me clinging on. I do know for definite from past addictions/relationships that all feelings pass. You never forget the person but you do stop seeing the situation with rose-tinted glasses on. You actually see why it was not right, and eventually see why it was better it ended. I know that sounds harsh and will be impossible for you to take in right now, but it will happen and you will feel better. Stay NC and work on the healing. It really is for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
DreamerGirl27 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 all this talk about guys getting addicted to a girl, what about when a girl is addicted to a guy? because everything everyone is saying basically sums up how I am with every guy I start to like and that doesn't happen very often for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Titania22 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 all this talk about guys getting addicted to a girl, what about when a girl is addicted to a guy? because everything everyone is saying basically sums up how I am with every guy I start to like and that doesn't happen very often for me. I am a girl, and I am the one who started the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 (I stupidly sent her a message on FB, nothing too major, just comment on her profile pic, which is all I can see now) Any response? I am resisting the urge to make little baiting comments like this to my addiction since I know it will trigger a response and start the cycle of agony all over again for me. Link to post Share on other sites
firundel Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 She's still interested in me but she's messing me around. The rational part of my brain took over and it's going to be cold turkey from here. This is going to be very hard but in the long term, I would be better off trying to find somebody else who I can hopefully feel secure with without being addicted to them and without them thinking they can do whatever they please when we aren't together. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Any response? I am resisting the urge to make little baiting comments like this to my addiction since I know it will trigger a response and start the cycle of agony all over again for me. I partly did it because two weeks earlier she'd sent me a friend request to which I replied I couldn't as nothing has changed (she's still engaged), although it did remind me she still cares and misses me a lot. My message was simply saying "lovely pic" regarding her profil picture. No response and I guess I don't really expect one. I don't think I was expecting anything from it, just saying what was on my mind. I didn't think it through, just acted on impulse. Saw pic, sent message. If I'd thought about it, I'd have probably stressed and been worried or thinking too much. Sometimes it's best just to do stuff... If for you it will start your addiction responding then you have to think if that's a good thing or not. Will it set you back badly? Will it hurt more in the long term? Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Sorry Bruce, you tried really hard. We are here for you. Perhaps try focussing on her flaws, it has been working brilliantly for me. Unfortunately, the list is short and trivial. The only real "flaw" she has is that she isn't interested in me, and that doesn't even seem to really be registering. I mean, there's some insignificant ****, like she can be stubborn and moody, but it's so minor and so dramatically overshadowed by the positive aspects of her personality that it's impossible to lend it much weight. I'm trying to pull back from the other girl I went out with because she seems to be a little too willing to move forward already, and that's not what I'm looking for. I have another date with a new girl tonight and then another one next week, so we'll see how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 I've not had time to read through this thread in its entirety (2am over here!), so I decided to start off by reading Bruce's posts. Will check through the rest of the thread tomorrow. Bruce, I know how you felt about this girl. I've been in the situation before and have felt very similar to you. The ups and downs, the interpretation of every little detail, the worrying over you present messages, trying to play it cool and let her make the move to initiate the conversation. I can fully appreciate your story because I have been there before. There was one girl I wanted for the best part of 18 months. I wanted nobody but her. It didn't end well either. Like you, I could spot the warning signs. I could see that my obsession was unhealthy but I never truly admitted it to myself. Moreover, I refused to let it stand in the way of my obsession with her. Time is a healer, and eventually, my depressive & destructive feelings for her wore away. I had to stop speaking to her though. Today, I still harbour feelings for her. They're just dormant. I can keep them that way these days. I don't think my infatuation of her will ever go away though. She could ring me up right now (even though we haven't properly spoken for over a year), tell me that she wants me, and I'd drive hours to meet her at 2am in the morning. I'm rather content with my feelings for her, they're just not destructive anymore. I guess I grew accustomed to the idea that we're not meant to be together. I know it sounds like I'm just content to talk since I'm at the other side of my obsession, but believe me, my pining was a long, hard and rather pathetic. Check my post history if you don't believe me. The point of this post is that it'll get easier... eventually. Hang in there. I really appreciate this. This is one of the hardest experiences that I've ever gone through, and it's been pretty scary at times to be so controlled by my emotions. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to go NC with her, since I really do enjoy being her friend (most of the time), but it's starting to sound like that's just not going to work. We haven't talked in days, and honestly, it's been far worse than when we were talking, but hopefully I'll start to feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Danneth Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 all this talk about guys getting addicted to a girl, what about when a girl is addicted to a guy? because everything everyone is saying basically sums up how I am with every guy I start to like and that doesn't happen very often for me. What doesn't happen very often? People relating to your situation, or you becoming "addicted" to someone? Either way, addiction is addiction. Being a guy and all, I can't speak for women, but I'd imagine that it's exactly the same when it's a woman obsessing over a man. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Totally with you Bruce. So wanted to remain friends with mine and I miss her so much (not had any contact for 2 months, apart from the friend invite on FB). We used to get along so well and all I can think about is last summer with her... it really ****ing sucks and nothing I do takes away the pain, although being NC it is fading, just very slowly. Saying goodbye was so hard but it had to be done - I couldn't sit back and hear about all her wedding plans. I know at some point I'll hear about the wedding (whenever it happens) and I'll be at a very low point on that day as the coffin that was my hope will finally have been buried. Stay strong mate, you're not alone with these feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 If for you it will start your addiction responding then you have to think if that's a good thing or not. Will it set you back badly? Will it hurt more in the long term? I would basically be on cloud 9 for the duration of our communication and she may even want to get together to catch up. But then once the communication stops or if I don't get the response that I'm looking for (both of which invariably happen eventually), I get all depressed again. Right now I am doing ok since it's been about a month since I saw her last and my addiction level probably ticks down about 1-2% every day that passes. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 I know at some point I'll hear about the wedding (whenever it happens) and I'll be at a very low point on that day as the coffin that was my hope will finally have been buried. Well the good news is that couples tend to have a lot less sex after they get married. They'll probably screw like rabbits during the honeymoon but I meant in the years following that. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Same as me. When she sent the friend request I was flying high, even without drugs! I had to say no and she replied to that with a simple "xxx". I know from before I said goodbye that she would text every few weeks whilst I was trying to avoid contact. Everytime the phone would beep and I'd see her name I'd be so happy... but it was short lived and in reality nothing was ever going to change or be different. I know she has strong feelings for me but she can't be with me, not in the way I want to be with her... and I can't be with her just as a friend. As tempting as it is to have that feeling and hear from your addiction, I'd encourage you not to make contact (I know, tough to say from someone who has broken his own advice so many times). It's so true that this is like a drug - we want to get off it, but the temptation just to have a little taste, telling ourselves we'll be okay if we can just have a drop... Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Well the good news is that couples tend to have a lot less sex after they get married. They'll probably screw like rabbits during the honeymoon but I meant in the years following that. Lol, if you only knew they're situation. I think part of the reason she's left him so many times in the years she's known him is down to the fact she doesn't find him sexually attractive. She's admitted on numeours occasions she generally pleases herself and I've even had him tell he's okay with that. Since I first met them both (before I got interested in any way) it's always seemed more like a best friends situation rather then two people who should be together. I am hoping that she finds happiness, but I doubt that this will be it... Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Lol, if you only knew they're situation. I think part of the reason she's left him so many times in the years she's known him is down to the fact she doesn't find him sexually attractive. She's admitted on numeours occasions she generally pleases herself and I've even had him tell he's okay with that. Since I first met them both (before I got interested in any way) it's always seemed more like a best friends situation rather then two people who should be together. I am hoping that she finds happiness, but I doubt that this will be it... This is not going to end well. There's no way you can remain in a relationship long-term if you start off not attracted to the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I'm drunk. I can sympathize with Mr. Bruce, it is like an internal war between my brain and my fingers to not contact my addiction when I get in this frame of mind. Plus it's that time of the month for my wife so I can't exactly get a "release" from her either. Link to post Share on other sites
confused192 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I've been addicted to someone before as well. There is no greater high and subsequent low that I've ever experienced. Link to post Share on other sites
amywynn217 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I've only been "addicted" to one person and I became this blithering idiot when I would think about him. I was a teenager at the time, but he's ALL I thought about. the word obsessed comes to mind. We did finally get together for a very brief time, but it didn't last long. All I know is that feeling, as euphoric as it was to be near him or "with" him, I don't know if I'd do it all again the same way, as it took me a VERY long time to get over him, even after I had gotten married and had a child. Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I don't know what happened, but I'm feeling very empowered today. I'm going to force myself to get over this. It's that simple. I still adore her, but I accept that she won't be mine, at least no time in the foreseeable future. I'm going to move on with my life and if, someday, she'd like to revisit things, well, we'll see where I am. Until that day, I won't allow myself to be crippled by this any longer. I'm too smart, too talented, too charismatic, and too good a person to allow myself to be destroyed by someone who doesn't want me. Good luck, everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Bruce, you're my hero! Proud of you. Sadly I'm in the reverse today. Just happen to have seen some pics of my addiction through a mutual friend/work colleague and it's brought it all crashing back. In fact, I've been a bit off it since her contact a few weeks ago. It's nice to read though that others are able to pick themselves up as it makes the rest of us realise we'll get there soon enough. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Thanks. I don't know what it is, but for the first time in a while I feel like I can handle this. I still think the world of this girl, but I feel like I'm ready to move on. It's funny, because it was something she said to me that kind of turned me around. When we first met, she told me about how her relationship with an ex had collapsed, and she said "you can't value yourself while wanting to be with someone who doesn't want you." So, there it is. I've decided to value myself. I'm recognizing that I'm worthy of love from someone, and that's making me more comfortable moving on. It can be done! Link to post Share on other sites
TimothyParadox Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 You guys should feel lucky. I've been "addicted" to a fictional girl for 4 happy/gruesome years now. It has torn me apart. Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 You guys should feel lucky. I've been "addicted" to a fictional girl for 4 happy/gruesome years now. It has torn me apart. What... do you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'm still doing well. We've talked a few times in the past few days, and she came to my birthday extravaganza, and none of those crazy feelings have come back. I don't have that compulsion to act in any particular way. I don't know if it was just a few days of NC or the fact that I had other girls interested in me, but I'm feeling 150,000x better. I knew I could make it through this. Even better, I'm back to being my old self with girls again, and it's totally working. I met another girl that I'm actually interested in, and I'm feeling super calm and confident about it, and letting it happen naturally. Though, I did end up in bed with her last night. Apparently, I'm irresistible to some women. So while I'm disappointed that things didn't work out with the first girl, it's only because I think she's terrific, and not because I feel like I NEED HER, which is what it felt like before. She's still not sure if she wants to be friends, because of all the **** that happened, and while I definitely want to be, because (again) I think she's a lot of fun and she makes me laugh, it doesn't feel like a crazy compulsion anymore. I really appreciate you guys listening to my nonsense and talking me through it and being supportive. I definitely needed that. Link to post Share on other sites
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