Addicted to a Person

[smudge21]

You're in a place I so wish to be Bruce.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I'm sorry, bro. I wish I had some advice that would help, but I don't really know what worked for me. I think I just started feeling better about myself, and that seems to have snowballed into a much better outlook on this situation. Have you been seeing other people at all?

[smudge21]

Prior to this addiction I had come out of a LTR a few months earlier. Wasn't really looking for anything (isn't that always the way these things happen, when you're not looking) and, truth be told, I'm still not. I guess even more so now because she's the only thing on my mind. I generally just try to stay busy with other things... but... there's those quiet times, when the temptation to go looking for info. I find it, maybe a picture or something, it gives me a high, but with all highs, there's a down! I truly think this is like a drug - I can get a little fix but it always ends in me feeling worse... yet I still do it!

[Titania22]

I really appreciate you guys listening to my nonsense and talking me through it and being supportive. I definitely needed that.

 

You're Welcome

[Titania22]

Hey Guys,

 

I have been noticing something within myself regarding this issue, and not sure how to deal.

 

In one of the much earlier posts on this thread, I mused that my last addiction started at a point when I was finally ready to let go of my previous love, and that I probably did it as a way of coping.

 

Speed by 3yrs later and I am on here, and finally got to a point of letting go of this latest addiction. Which so far so good, I have been strong, and although I can feel the potential to latch back on I am resisting.

 

But now I am noticing that I am getting mildly infatuated with someone else (not in real life), which makes me wonder, if I am eternally in some sort of inlove/limerant state, and the feeling (when not already attached to a specific person) is just circling looking for someone for me to attach the feelings too. It's very disconcerting. But I would be in denial if I didn't acknowledge what I am feeling.

 

So I guess the big question, is how do I stop having these desires/feelings floating around me, just waiting for some unwitting individual to strike my fancy? (Or is this just an illusion caused by being celibate?)

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I'm not really sure, but I think my most recent issue was sort of a perfect storm. I was feeling lousy because my ex had recently broken up with me, and this really awesome girl showed up and actually seemed interested, and without meaning to, I kind of dove in. I think it's important to be feeling good about yourself, because then you don't feel like the next person is too far behind.

[Titania22]

Well it's official, about a month after writing about being ready to let my addiction go, I am relapsing, but have completely transferred the feeling to another, completely unobtainable guy. So What now? Even if I try to just decide to get over it, and succeed, what is to stop me from just latching the feelings to the next guy that comes along?

 

I feel completely screwed emotionally. And I am doing the same thing, filling in all the unknowns with my imagination. Wanting to change myself into something I think they would find appealing.

 

I thought I was doing so well. But I am just plain delusional. Always inventing the perfection I can't find in the real world. And the weirdest thing this time is this guy isn't physically attractive, has gross body habits, but is super charismatic, funny, intelligent, and completely unobtainable. (Obviously the charisma, funny, intelligence and being unobtainable, are more key to me then actual physical attractiveness).

 

Thanks for listening, I feel like I have trapped myself in a cycle, and I can't find the exit.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Titania, I am curious as I have experienced something similar since I was 16.

 

When you were married or in LTR, were you still crushing on unavailable men?

[Titania22]

Titania, I am curious as I have experienced something similar since I was 16.

 

When you were married or in LTR, were you still crushing on unavailable men?

 

Well I hated my husband, so yes. But I completely loved my boyfriend with all my heart, so I never thought about any other men. I even fantacised about my boyfriend.

 

I am very single minded, when I am into someone, no one else exists. And obviously the feelings don't stop until pure determination kicks in.

[Titania22]

And to add, not all the time while i was married.

 

It almost seems now that the feelings I had for my last boyfriend, are the feelings that are now bouncing around still, looking for a place to land. That relationship screwed me up, in that I was so committed to loving him with all my heart, and thought that was it for me, and we would be together forever, I was destoyed and completely startled, when he was just gone *snaps fingers*.

[Titania22]

Now I just starting crying after writing that last post, so I think the real problem has still got something to do with that relationship ending. Why did he have to leave?

 

and then my awesome friend I got right after that, died after only 10months. Why did he have to die?

 

It's not fair, that the 2 greatest guys that I have met, both left in one form or another, and now years have passed. Why did they go? and why haven't any more great guys showed up? Why only crappy guys?

 

It hurts so much.

[Titania22]

I've cried it out, i feel better again.

[smudge21]

Sorry to read your posts Titania - it really hurts to want answers and know we're never going to get them. Why do we have to feel this way for these people when it's clear they're never going to feel the same way. I hate it. Wish I had some super comforting words for you, but sadly I don't. I only know that at some point my addiction will no longer be an addiction, or even anything to me. I guess its the same for all of us... we just have to suffer through the pain as there's no easy cure.

 

I do agree with Bruce's post though, about addictions coming along when we feel, maybe, a bit down or are looking for attention and love but maybe not realising it. There's maybe a gap in our lives that we think we're fine with but then someone will come along and just hit that nerve; fill that gap and we'll just become hooked to them. I know my past two addictions fell into that scenario quite well. Each time I was a bit down, went to visit my sis to clear my head, came home - bang! addiction comes along. So maybe there is a pattern to these things and if there's a pattern, then maybe we can avoid them in the future...

 

... note all the maybe's in there!

[Titania22]

I do agree with Bruce's post though, about addictions coming along when we feel, maybe, a bit down or are looking for attention and love but maybe not realising it. There's maybe a gap in our lives that we think we're fine with but then someone will come along and just hit that nerve; fill that gap and we'll just become hooked to them.

 

 

It was good for me to read this thanks.

 

There is definately a gap for me.

 

Although every other area of my life is awesome and I love it.

 

Actually right before this latest attraction has come along, I was all like, 'I give up! No more men! No more sex! No more wanting a relationship!' And I mentally went full on, ok what am I going to fill my now completely chaste non-sexual life with. (I go to the gym, got the census job and will be starting uni in a month.) And I thought I know, I am going to fill up my free time with SC2. (Most awesome idea ever!) And then Bam! So what does my daughter do? Watch this guy, you'll really like him (Day9)! Thanks so much daughter of mine. I don't think it's wise when trying to give up men, to start spending hours watching one.

 

So what you wrote is absolutely so true. If there's a gap, any little thing will just get in there and fill it. It is really disconcerting to crush on someone who drools in half his videos.

 

Maybe I should take up knitting for a hobby! Not too many guys promoting that.

[miclebarbossa]

The term 'addiction' need not always be associated with materials, drugs, chemicals, drinks and so on. It may be with a living being also.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Titania, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. You seem like a really good person, and it sucks that you keep having to go through this.

 

I actually came on here to post about something positive. She called me last night at like 11:30 just to chat, and we talked for about an hour and had a totally normal, fun conversation. She even said "This is nice. I forgot how well we got along." And the best part is that I didn't read any nonsense into it or assign any ridiculous meaning to it.

 

I think I just fought my way through it. The problem with NC is that it's a very passive way to deal with negative or harmful feelings. I actually found myself talking to myself when I started to let my fancies fly, reminding myself that I needed to move on, and that things weren't what I wanted them to be, and that wasn't going to change, etc. etc. etc.

 

My therapist recommended a rubber band snap every time I found myself fantasizing or whatever, and that actually worked reasonably well.

[Titania22]

Titania, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. You seem like a really good person, and it sucks that you keep having to go through this.

 

 

Thanks Bruce.

 

Last week was a bit of multiple things going on at once. When I posted and was all upset and crying, I hadn't realised that I had actually run into the realestate agent who had tried to sell my house when I was still with my boyfriend. It was my girlfriend who told me yesterday, that it was seeing him that actually made me sad and brought up all that stuff.

 

That aside, I am still quite mesmerised by Day9, haven't managed to drag myself away as yet. Despite the fact that his mission is to make us all better starcraft 2 players, I seem to be getting worse. No doubt from being distracted.

 

I am hoping this Day9 thing, is just a temporary thing, so that I don't relapse with the previous guy.

[sleepykitten]

"is it love or is it addiction" well, love addiction is a recognised addiction and very damaging-i know this as i have suffered from it for years and i think many of us on this site are the same, theres a great book by robin norwood called women who love too much. However 12 steps etc are the only way of controlling it, and no contact etc, but i have just broken no contact and am seeing my ex on monday-huge bad idea i know but i literally feel powerless over this thing!

Good luck to all on here struggling and coping with painful hurtful breakups.xx

[nyc_guy2003]

It's been 2 months since I last saw my addiction and I just realized that over the past week or so she hasn't been the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the mornings anymore. Even though I still think about her throughout the day I'm pretty excited about not being totally obsessed and having imaginary conversations in my head, etc. So I guess the magic time frame, for me at least, is two months NC.

[TheOtherSide]

"is it love or is it addiction" well, love addiction is a recognised addiction and very damaging-i know this as i have suffered from it for years and i think many of us on this site are the same, theres a great book by robin norwood called women who love too much. However 12 steps etc are the only way of controlling it, and no contact etc, but i have just broken no contact and am seeing my ex on monday-huge bad idea i know but i literally feel powerless over this thing!

Good luck to all on here struggling and coping with painful hurtful breakups.xx

 

Ugh. I feel relieved there are more people out there that seems to have the issue that I'm currently dealing with. The only way I seem to be able to cope with this issue is to avoid contact. "T" is my bf and a very good friend of "A" (guy I seem to be addicted to). I will refer to them as T and Ari to make things simple.

 

So I met T and then he happened to introduce me to Ari after I started a relationship with T. T is kind and cares for me very much, however, it might be good to mention that T is super controlling (ocd too) and that we are to this day working on these issues! So T introduced me to Ari, and from day 1 I felt really comfortable with Ari. I sensed this immediate mind-sync that I have never ever experienced before, and thus didn't know what to label it with. Ari could read my mind, and instinctively I usually know what he's thinking. I just thought he's an awesome friend, and was happy that we hung out with him all the time. He had a gf at the time which didn't exactly treat him right, but a waste of time to go into that.

 

I then became engaged to T, blindly in love with him! We continued to hang with Ari in pretty much everything that involved 'after work activities' and such. I was just so so so happy! We had such great times together.

 

Got married to T 2 months later, madly in love. Don't even ask about the timeframe etc. Wayyyy too complicated. So. We kept hanging with Ari. Ari is T's best friend basically. Ari would at times make fun and refer to me as T's 'hot wifey', and of course none of us thought anything of it. I for one enjoyed the compliments, eps because of how it made me feel. Like a woman. Glowing. Just such a high feeling of selfworth and satisfaction. SO ADDICTIVE!

 

Now after some time Ari and his gf broke up. He still hanged with us. Now I'm not sure exactly where or how this started, but it became obvious to me and Ari that we are on the same wave length. He would then in a very light way flirt with me by saying things and making eye contact, using body language etc. that definitely told me "he is definitely flirting with me", while my husband is IN THE ROOM, or even in the friggin conversation but does not notice this at all. The 'danger' of the situation was such a turn on that I just pretended to ignore it while my whole being just started to feel shaky as in my insides are about to explode. I then realized that this is not good at all. I started to wish that T would also understand and speak 'my language' with me like Ari did so effortlessly. I felt so guilty about the thoughts that I was having about this that I tried to get myself out of the situation. Hmm. Not entirely true. Ugh. As much as I WANTED to get out, it felt like there is a magnetic power pulling with all its might with a power bigger than me. Made me feel SO HELPLESS. This was year 1 of our marriage.

 

Life continued and I proceeded to feel these strange powerful emotions making me feel faint and just completely out of control. I made a vow to my husband for better or worse and do not believe in divorce - my religious background didn't help me out at all either. I think the problems that I am experiencing with my husband is because of this 'thing', but can't be sure as we've always had 'certain issues'.

 

I wanted out. Out of this strong hold of something that I just want to run away from. It scared me so much! I then noticed that the longer the time in-between visits, the less crazy I felt.. almost being able to return to 'normal'. That's where it ends because BECAUSE I did not see him often, the times that we all did hang out just felt more intense. I feel ashamed of these feelings. I know these feelings are the same as cheating on my husband - perhaps not because of the feelings, but because I didn't tell my husband I was having these feelings. I know that even admitting to it he will never ever be able to get over it and will hate me for eternity long and that is one thing I can never live with. I care for him very much!!!

 

So. It gets worse. Much much worse! Not even comfortable talking about it all AT ALL because I feel such fear that somehow he will read this someday and by then we might have kids and then I have no idea.. I am just so confused.

 

Basically, Ari and I started communicating via text. It would mostly be about where we all would meet, what we are up to, etc., but I found it funny that he would text me and not T. Still, I didn't want to act all weird so I just went with it. I can't even remember who started it even, just know that it happened. I think part of my addiction to him is the fact that we 'share this secret'. Not really a secret secret, but just the fact that we can pretty much read each other and know that T can't read it, it feels like we have some kind of treasure. Odd, I know, but that's how I feel about it. Now things have progressed (years and years later) to where we have basically confessed certain things to each other (me and Ari, that is), and I believe that it was basically a chain reaction that started at a point where we were dancing. Lots of people dancing. Everyone having fun. He was there. I was there. He closed in when the song changed and we just moved together. I can still recall exactly how that felt. I felt so intoxicated with passion. I can't help re-living it over and over again. I remember by the time the song ended our faces were next to each other and my breathing became wayy too heavy to be normal. Dammit. There I do it again - can't stop it, my mind just keep on running back to moments like that!!! We could feel each others' yearning and it was overwhelming. Could not think straight at all! I think it's right around there that I knew I had to save myself or ruin my own life as well as T's life.

 

I tried not to text or return texts, but some force just made it completely impossible to do! But I think I just forced myself to focus and forget him. I managed to do that so well when there's no contact. I just kept myself busy and told myself I can't do this to T, I just can't! I would hate myself for dayyyyys when I gave in to a text or some contact. Also, hard to control contact when it's your husbands 'good' friend. And no, let me be sure to say this: I also made contact. Took initiative to invite him to things, stuff like that, all the while telling myself it would look funny if I stopped inviting him completely. But not true, I could get away with it if I really wanted to.

 

Problems problems problems, bla bla bla..

 

I am in so deep emotionally, I feel trapped. I know I should not feel for this man, but I do somehow (crazy, I KNOWWWW). I know this man would never hurt my husband by cheating with me (unless it comes from me, then I know he would), but he knows I wouldn't. Yes, I understand just having this 'mind thing' going on equals cheating, but how do I explain this to my husband? O wait, man o man, here's the kicker: I tried to TELL my husband what's going on, but right after I started he got very angry about what I was saying (I probably should have started with ME instead of saying "Ari"..UGH! I was just so scared!), so my husband made me apologize to Ari about me being angry / upset at him. That was just the peak of utter frustration to me. So I didn't speak to Ari for about 5 months when we had a thing with friends on that T invited Ari to.

 

I don't know how to describe it, but every single time I see Ari, I just feel so relaxed and completely trusting and open to say whatever I wanted knowing that he would understand. So kind and gentle. So passionate and provocative at the same time. It's like I met my other half too late. But I have made a choice to stay with my husband because I made a vow. I want to honestly be able to say that I am keeping this vow. I try so hard to forget this man but seems to be completely impossible. I'm down to having contact with him around 3 to 5 times a year which is awesome because then I could just focus on other things in life and on how busy life is.

 

I would SO appreciate input - no, I know that I am wrong in this situation and have to tell my husband, but there is no come-back after I go down that road. I don't have the strength to carry it out. So now I'm looking at option 2: cut Ari off. Easier said than done because I believe I am addicted to this man. I need to break my addiction. Perhaps it could even be an addiction to the chemicals released in my brain everytime I see him or communicate with him. Whatever that is, I need to CUT IT. I am trying to focus now on the fact that he has a girlfriend again!! She has nooooo idea either and this is why I want to stop whatever this is NOW.

 

So the million dollar question is: how do you break your addiction to a person when you can't cutt off communication 100%? There HAS to be a way that I can knock myself in the head and GET OVER IT! PLEASE HELP.

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