Addicted to a Person

[zengirl]

When people become addicted to a person, they often are infatuated with a person who doesn’t exist.

 

You say these guys were not guys you dated or really knew. This allows you to make them into who you want and need them to be. You imbue them with all the qualities you would want in a person, so of course they’re attractive to you. This made up person is, essentially, perfect for you (because you’ve created them. They do not actually exist).

 

I think Iris has hit on it here.

 

No real person is ever going to be as good as the made up person you've crafted in your mind.

 

Probably, the guys in question had some chemical/biological compatibility to you that helps enhance this and also potentially something that just pushes the buttons of your psyche for whatever reason. . . but mainly it's where your brain went after all that which led you awry, I think. Especially in scenarios like this where the person was never intimate with you in any way.

 

Now, after intimacy, or a medium/long relationship where one still felt the same, I'd say it may be something different----perhaps a particular reaction to rejection, though I think it's more the dream of togetherness dying (the whole "I thought this was right for me" and then having to realize it's over). But that's if you actually DO really, really know the person. A different dynamic.

[motive2002]

I think Iris has hit on it here.

 

No real person is ever going to be as good as the made up person you've crafted in your mind.

 

Probably, the guys in question had some chemical/biological compatibility to you that helps enhance this and also potentially something that just pushes the buttons of your psyche for whatever reason. . . but mainly it's where your brain went after all that which led you awry, I think. Especially in scenarios like this where the person was never intimate with you in any way.

 

Now, after intimacy, or a medium/long relationship where one still felt the same, I'd say it may be something different----perhaps a particular reaction to rejection, though I think it's more the dream of togetherness dying (the whole "I thought this was right for me" and then having to realize it's over). But that's if you actually DO really, really know the person. A different dynamic.

 

I agree. It's idealization. Wanting what's just out of reach etc.

I think it stems from those times when you felt bliss... you liked that person a lot and they liked you back! It's infatuation giving you a shot like heroin. So addiction isn't too far off the mark.

We like to feel those delicious butterflies. That sense of longing and fantasy. Sure beats reruns on TV.

 

Since some of these biological "feelings" are tied to reward pathways in the brain, it won't be long before you can get a prescription to get over that special someone, just like zoloft for depression, or chantix for smoking etc.... lol

[nyc_guy2003]

This is a great thread. The whole reason I joined this forum was to figure out why I was having the same feelings of addiction over random girls...or more accurately, just one girl, who I don't even know that well and have only seen/hung out with a total of 4 times in my life. I have constant interaction with good looking, intelligent women and for some reason this one just caught my attention out of the blue, not like I was planning for it or anything. Anyhow I am trying to slowly wean myself off the addiction but it is difficult because we work in the same industry and her job is to sell stuff to people like me.

[Titania22]

I think Iris has hit on it here.

 

No real person is ever going to be as good as the made up person you've crafted in your mind.

 

 

 

I agree with you guys. And thankyou it helps, I know I have to get over this.

 

Also as was mentioned earlier, I think some people just like to keep people 'on the hook'. If an average guy is capable of working out how to keep someone around enough to stroke his ego without actually giving anything of substance, then a genius would have no problem working it out.

 

So I think what makes these things so powerful for me, is partly the self delusion, and partly the fact these guys like the attention and do nothing to repel it. And I fall for it every single time. I feel pretty stupid right now, to be still falling for the same old thing, but I do it to myself in the first place.

 

Thanks for letting me lay it all out here, because I would like to change what it is about me, that makes me set up these situations for myself.

 

And just then I had a thought. This last one started after my last relationship was over. I hadn't accepted they we wouldn't get back together, because I couldn't. I started this infatuation right at the time when I needed a way to let go of my last love. So it would make sense I would create my perfect man, because then my mind would be able to accept that my exboyfriend wasn't my true love. But I created him too perfect I guess, because I haven't managed to let him go, and the real life man, hasn't done anything that could blast the illusion out of the water.

 

Hmmm. So how do I let go of this perfect illusion?

[dressing up]

Yeah, No, I am not able to be with this guy, he isn't willing, but he didn't harshly reject me either. I doubt he would be willing to be with me, but I don't definitively know.

 

So I would do best to find a way to get over him.

 

But the addicted part of me, obviously doesn't want to. I'm the mouse in the cage that wants to keep pushing the heroine button, even though it will kill me. And not thinking about him for 6mths, and even dating or getting another crush, hasn't worked in the past, because sooner or later i see him unexpectedly and bam! But I guess I have to keep trying.

 

It could well be a case of "not having something we want". I can't say.

 

When people become addicted to a person, they often are infatuated with a person who doesn’t exist.

 

Now I understand.

 

It's semi true in my case. I know my guy friend but not inside out. So it's part not having what I want and part creating an idea of the him that I want from what I know about him.

 

Hmmm. So how do I let go of this perfect illusion?

 

Tell me when you find out.

[Titania22]

 

 

 

Tell me when you find out.

 

Will do DressingUp!

[UnrulyHeart]

Now I understand.

 

It's semi true in my case. I know my guy friend but not inside out. So it's part not having what I want and part creating an idea of the him that I want from what I know about him.

 

 

 

Tell me when you find out.

 

Well, ladies, reading this thread has been like reading my own heart and mind.

 

I am totally addicted to a guy friend of mine. He gave me a "no" but it wasn't a strong enough "no".

 

I am considering asking him to give me that no I so desperately need to get on with life. Any little crack in that no gives me false hope.

 

My only worry is making things strained in our friendship by bringing up the topic again, but at the same time now that I think of it, my ridiculously powerful crush on him is probably going to strain the friendship at some point. It's already straining me a good deal so yeah...

 

What to do, what to do? Beg our men for help?

[dressing up]

Well, ladies, reading this thread has been like reading my own heart and mind.

 

I am totally addicted to a guy friend of mine. He gave me a "no" but it wasn't a strong enough "no".

 

I am considering asking him to give me that no I so desperately need to get on with life. Any little crack in that no gives me false hope.

 

My only worry is making things strained in our friendship by bringing up the topic again, but at the same time now that I think of it, my ridiculously powerful crush on him is probably going to strain the friendship at some point. It's already straining me a good deal so yeah...

 

What to do, what to do? Beg our men for help?

 

Have you considered going NC?

[UnrulyHeart]

Have you considered going NC?

 

Yeah, I have considered that. The trouble is, in my case, we do a sport together and I don't want to give it up. It is a rare one and I wouldn't be able to simply do it elsewhere. Also, we exist in a small community where we are bound to see one another with reasonable frequency. This is also a source of my reluctance to rock the friendship boat: if the friendship sours, we won't be able to avoid one another very well.

 

Beyond that, I don't think I have the resolve to keep myself away from him. I am too addicted :-/ It's embarrassing.

[Titania22]

 

Beyond that, I don't think I have the resolve to keep myself away from him. I am too addicted :-/ It's embarrassing.

 

 

I get exactly like this. It is no help to know i should go NC, because I won't. I literally need the guys to be removed from my reality, then I can go to all the same places, just to see he isn't there. It's crazy, but I completely understand. It's like if I were in your shoes, I would be feeling like going to do the sport and see him, was the highlight of my week. And depending on where i am in the selfcontrol spectrum, i would probably do more and more humiliating/embarrassing things like being clumsy, or smiling while walking and walking into a post in front of everyone.

[dressing up]

Yeah, I have considered that. The trouble is, in my case, we do a sport together and I don't want to give it up. It is a rare one and I wouldn't be able to simply do it elsewhere. Also, we exist in a small community where we are bound to see one another with reasonable frequency. This is also a source of my reluctance to rock the friendship boat: if the friendship sours, we won't be able to avoid one another very well.

 

Beyond that, I don't think I have the resolve to keep myself away from him. I am too addicted :-/ It's embarrassing.

 

I'll tell you what some friends said of a similar situation I had. I "refused" to stop a sport, which an ex played. I tried to convince my friends that it was because I was too into the sport to drop it for someone just because I had a crush on him and I wasn't sure if he was before we dated. My friends said I was giving myself the excuse to see him because if I really wanted to stop driving myself mad with the does-he-like-me-or-does-he-nots, I could. Just saying.

 

I know where you're coming. Been there, done that. But because I'm an outsider, maybe I'm starting to think like my friends about your case.

[UnrulyHeart]

I'll tell you what some friends said of a similar situation I had. I "refused" to stop a sport, which an ex played. I tried to convince my friends that it was because I was too into the sport to drop it for someone just because I had a crush on him and I wasn't sure if he was before we dated. My friends said I was giving myself the excuse to see him because if I really wanted to stop driving myself mad with the does-he-like-me-or-does-he-nots, I could. Just saying.

 

I know where you're coming. Been there, done that. But because I'm an outsider, maybe I'm starting to think like my friends about your case.

 

Ohh you are right! I mean, I don't want to give up the sport, I don't! But I would be lying if I said he wasn't a big motivator in getting me to practices I would otherwise skip over. It's also springboard for a lot of the time we spend together outside of practices. ("Do you want to grab dinner?" "Want to do such-and-such after practice?")

 

*sigh*

 

I wish I could just kill the emotions I have for him. But my feelings for him only get stronger as I get weaker. I care so much what he thinks of me: his praise makes my day, his attentions make me feel so good. If I say something dumb (even though it might all be in my mind), I immediately think, oh god now he is going to think I am stupid/inarticulate/uninformed/yadda yadda now he will NEVER think I am worth his attentions...

 

I hate hanging off of his reactions and opinion of me like that. No person should have that kind of sway over me. But I can't think it away. No matter how much I try talking myself out of my feelings, they remain.

[dressing up]

Ohh you are right! I mean, I don't want to give up the sport, I don't! But I would be lying if I said he wasn't a big motivator in getting me to practices I would otherwise skip over. It's also springboard for a lot of the time we spend together outside of practices. ("Do you want to grab dinner?" "Want to do such-and-such after practice?")

 

*sigh*

 

I wish I could just kill the emotions I have for him. But my feelings for him only get stronger as I get weaker. I care so much what he thinks of me: his praise makes my day, his attentions make me feel so good. If I say something dumb (even though it might all be in my mind), I immediately think, oh god now he is going to think I am stupid/inarticulate/uninformed/yadda yadda now he will NEVER think I am worth his attentions...

 

I hate hanging off of his reactions and opinion of me like that. No person should have that kind of sway over me. But I can't think it away. No matter how much I try talking myself out of my feelings, they remain.

 

I get it. I was there. Kind of still is, only with a different guy.

 

Can only try to overcome it with all our strength. I wish I knew something else to tell you.

[UnrulyHeart]

:-) Well, DressingUp, it helps to know I am not alone.

 

I know I will get on with life at some point. Down the line I am going to look back on this and think, what was my deal? I was so crazy!

 

But for right now I am one sad sack. I just can't stop hoping and wishing... It's making me into a person I don't respect. I can't control my feelings, though, only my actions.

 

I go through stages where I do really well with my actions: I resist contacting him or seeing him so that I can prove to myself I am gonna be OK and that I can be stronger than my feelings for him. Then all my defenses crumble when he makes contact or suggests hanging out. I can rally, and then so easily I am defeated! And I don't think he has any idea how much I care for him. I only ever admitted a crush.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Yeah I agree with everything you say here, and I wonder if the bolded has anything to do with why we got addicted. Like we're mice and their cheese dangling in front of us but out of reach. We can smell it, but we can never get the satisfaction of eating it. But it's always there slowly torturing us.

 

In which case let me pose, could this be an argument for why it can be kinder to be blunt and upfront with rejection? Or is it purely weakness on the part of the individual to become so smitten?

 

It's threads like this that make me really glad that I registered here. I'm amazed at how open and honest people are here, and how comfortable I feel sharing my most intimate feelings. I'm especially surprised at how well people are able to articulate feelings that I have and can't understand.

 

The girl I've been seeing seems to have this exact effect on me, especially insofar as it turns me into the worst verson of myself. I feel incredibly insecure and needy, and that's not me. Most of the time I'm outstanding with women, but with this girl, I'm awful.

 

I even intellectually know that what I'm doing is both unhealthy and counterproductive. Even as I tell myself that I need to give it up and move on, in the back of my mind, I'm still looking for a way to leverage that into another chance with her. I don't think I'm strong enough to give it up, because I can't let go of that sliver of a chance that she might come around and want to be with me.

[Ross MwcFan]

I wish someone was addicted to me. I wish I'd get stalked even.

 

Just something to tell me that I was sexually desirable to someone in real life.

[Titania22]

The girl I've been seeing seems to have this exact effect on me, especially insofar as it turns me into the worst verson of myself. I feel incredibly insecure and needy, and that's not me. Most of the time I'm outstanding with women, but with this girl, I'm awful.

 

I even intellectually know that what I'm doing is both unhealthy and counterproductive. Even as I tell myself that I need to give it up and move on, in the back of my mind, I'm still looking for a way to leverage that into another chance with her. I don't think I'm strong enough to give it up, because I can't let go of that sliver of a chance that she might come around and want to be with me.

 

Thankyou TheyCallMeBruce, this is exactly how I feel everytime I get addicted.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Thankyou TheyCallMeBruce, this is exactly how I feel everytime I get addicted.

 

Another thing. She's been telling me the whole time that she's seeing other people, and that I should do the same. I can't honestly tell you if I'm trying to meet other girls now because I'm trying to move on or because I think it will make her happier with me if I go out with other girls.

[Titania22]

Another thing. She's been telling me the whole time that she's seeing other people, and that I should do the same. I can't honestly tell you if I'm trying to meet other girls now because I'm trying to move on or because I think it will make her happier with me if I go out with other girls.

 

 

I totally get that. It's like every suggestion they make is something you need to take on board and follow through on, it's crazy. Personally I tend not to meet other guys when I am feeling in the thick of it, I figure it wouldn't be fair on the other guys. But when I have actually got a little distance I try to meet guys (a bit), in the hope that it will help me completely move on. The problem I have found with that, is the minute they show up again, I instantly want to abandon the person I am with and go chasing after them again. So really I need to get them out of my system first.

 

It doesn't help when we hear stories about people who realised they wanted someone after that person starting dating someone else.

[nyc_guy2003]

The problem I have found with that, is the minute they show up again, I instantly want to abandon the person I am with and go chasing after them again.

 

Completely agree. In fact my addiction (that I am trying to get over) asked me out again and now that's all I can think about. Back to square one.

[Titania22]

Completely agree. In fact my addiction (that I am trying to get over) asked me out again and now that's all I can think about. Back to square one.

 

I know, and it's like you can't say know, because what if she/he wants/loves me now. For me it's like I have to know I did everything in my power to make it happen, so i won't have regrets.

 

Its crazy to think I have been operating this way for 22yrs. But then songs and movies often have stalker or addictive love themes. We are fed the archetype of lovers destined to be together, who pine eternally when separated and have eyes for no other. I eat that stuff for breakfast, so it is no wonder I behave the way I do.

 

I think if I am going to give up this cycle, I have to first give up the belief in epic love that spans space and time. I don't know if I am willing.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I totally get that. It's like every suggestion they make is something you need to take on board and follow through on, it's crazy.

 

I'm an unemployed teacher, so I moved home and am saving what I make working as a coach/tutor/sub. She commented on how the fact that I don't have a full-time job or my own place was something that she wasn't thrilled about, and I've been applying for all sorts of jobs since.

[NicoleM]

I am the same way. I am addicted to this person I am dating and I keep thinking over and over again and it almost becomes obsessive.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Oh, and I spend a fair portion of my day inventing conversations with her in my head! Almost my entire drive today was spent "talking" to her. So, apparently this has literally turned me into an insane person.

 

I feel like I'm completely off my axis. My friends had jealous insulting nicknames for me in college because of how many girls I used to get. With this girl, I feel completely out of sorts. I have no idea what to do. And again, intellectually, I know I need to give it up and move on, but emotionally that idea repulses me. I feel like all I want to do is figure out how to "win her," but I can't even break it down well enough to figure out what the right move is. I just keep going overboard and scaring her away.

 

That's the really frustrating part: she actually liked me, initially. I think I would have had a really great shot with this girl if I hadn't become such a crazy person. Ugh, I feel like I hate myself right now.

[Titania22]

Oh, and I spend a fair portion of my day inventing conversations with her in my head! Almost my entire drive today was spent "talking" to her. So, apparently this has literally turned me into an insane person.

 

I feel like I'm completely off my axis. My friends had jealous insulting nicknames for me in college because of how many girls I used to get. With this girl, I feel completely out of sorts. I have no idea what to do. And again, intellectually, I know I need to give it up and move on, but emotionally that idea repulses me. I feel like all I want to do is figure out how to "win her," but I can't even break it down well enough to figure out what the right move is. I just keep going overboard and scaring her away.

 

That's the really frustrating part: she actually liked me, initially. I think I would have had a really great shot with this girl if I hadn't become such a crazy person. Ugh, I feel like I hate myself right now.

 

Yes it is so the same with me. Even knowing I need to stop thinking about the current guy, I find myself having imaginary conversations with him, and feeling quite happy and satisfied.

 

But the moment I have thoughts about the reality, negative thoughts, and thoughts of letting go, I feel really ill.