Addicted to a Person

[nyc_guy2003]

NYC Guy, you need to sort that out one way or another. The longer you leave it, the more you'll like her but also the more chance she'll find someone else and suddenly you won't be needed - or, like me, you'll have to sit back whilst she starts talking weddings. That was my time to say goodbye. Hardest thing I've ever done too...

 

Well the tricky part about all this is that I'm married to a beautiful woman and 150% happy with my marriage. My addiction to the other girl is non-sexual and quite honestly I think I just like getting the attention from an extremely attractive member of the opposite sex who would normally not even give me the time of day much less invite me out every now and then. The whole reason this thread is interesting to me is because I can't explain why I go through this whole range of emotions relating to my contact (and lack thereof) with this girl.

[nyc_guy2003]

These little moments make me too happy to quit.

 

That's exactly the way I am. Weeks and weeks of misery in exchange for a few hours of happiness.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

That's exactly the way I am. Weeks and weeks of misery in exchange for a few hours of happiness.

 

And right now, it feels totally worth it. She came out to the bar with me and my friends tonight, and we had an awesome time, and I feel awesome. We got in the car, and my buddy said "Yeah, I can see why you like her."

[smudge21]

Okay NYC I understand now. Maybe there's a little bit of GIGS creeping into the mix too. Be careful dude.

 

Bruce, every time you post it's like you're referring to my life last summer and upto the end of the year. My girl (ex/addiction... whatever she was/is) was too the life of the party and everybody got on with her. I was shocked to say the least that she took an interest in me. When things started to fall apart and we became distant I too would go out of my way to make contact. The odd text or phonecall made me so happy. We even started meeting up every week, just friendly stuff, but of course, deep down, I wanted it to be more (and get back to where it had been).

 

Those moments of sheer bliss came with a bitter taste though as I started to realise I was doing all the chasing. If I left it to her, I wouldn't hear anything. Also, with me always around she started to lose interest. She wouldn't show it, but her text replies became less. Occasionally I would get voicemail where as before I'd always get an answer. I eventually had to force myself off this drug and step back. Doing so made me want her more and over time made her start contacting me, but sadly it was too late and she'd moved on. Still considered me a friend, but nothing more.

 

I know you're really enjoying these times and really want to go all out, but keep it calm, don't over do it like I did. Everyone likes a bit of challenge so just think about things before you text or phone her. Recognise the signs if she starts getting a bit quiet on you and then back off (not like I did and start bombarding her with more texts). I know the exact feeling you're getting from all this but I also know the opposite of those feelings.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

That's the thing, though. If it were just me initiating contact all the time, I'd give up, or at least try to. But she continues to send me unsolicited text messages, and yesterday SHE told ME she wanted to hang out, and then said that she wanted to come to my show on Friday.

[nyc_guy2003]

That's the thing, though. If it were just me initiating contact all the time, I'd give up, or at least try to. But she continues to send me unsolicited text messages, and yesterday SHE told ME she wanted to hang out, and then said that she wanted to come to my show on Friday.

 

Yes EXACTLY me too. I make no effort to contact my girl but she just comes up out of the blue every few weeks to ask me out. I'm just too weak to say no, mainly because she is insanely good looking and has a captivating personality. I'm sure she's got 50 other guys lining up to spend time with her, not sure why I'm the one who keeps getting called up.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

What a night.

 

She told me that she wanted to get dinner, so I canceled my training session at the gym with almost no notice, and showered and picked her up to take her out to dinner, the whole time while she was telling me that I didn't have to move plans around for her.

 

I knew she meant it, but I didn't care. I just wanted to see her.

 

I dropped her off after dinner, and we text for a bit. She's apparently drinking and smoking with her friends, and she gets a little... I don't know. Something.

 

She texts me that she wants to be with me. Immediately, I almost go insane. I still ask her to clarify, and she does. She wants me to come over. I'm a little disappointed, but there are worse things than a girl telling you that she wishes you were still there at 10pm. (We live about 10 minutes apart, so this isn't a big deal.)

 

Her friends are there, but she's being very "friendly." Making a point to touch me and stuff. It was amazing. She asks me at one point if I'm staying over. I say, coyly, that I wasn't invited. She gives me "the look."

 

I'm staying over.

 

Her friends leave, one-by-one, and then we start making out and touching and things are progressing, and she tells me to stop. She wants to go outside for a cigarette. (She usually smokes one or two a day, if at all.)

 

She tells me that, in a lot of ways, she just wants to say "**** it" and go for it with me. She loves that I'm crazy about her, and it makes her feel good.

 

But some other part of her still wants this other guy who isn't interested.

 

Anyway, she told me that she doesn't think I should stay over.

 

Unfortunately, I've gotten somewhat drunk in the interim. She was drunker, so I was able to convince her that I was OK to drive.

 

Let me say this: I NEVER drive drunk. Ever. Ever. Ever. Except when I think it will make THIS girl happier. Nothing makes sense anymore.

 

I'm still so glad I went, though.

[Titania22]

What a night.

 

She told me that she wanted to get dinner, so I canceled my training session at the gym with almost no notice, and showered and picked her up to take her out to dinner, the whole time while she was telling me that I didn't have to move plans around for her.

 

I knew she meant it, but I didn't care. I just wanted to see her.

 

I dropped her off after dinner, and we text for a bit. She's apparently drinking and smoking with her friends, and she gets a little... I don't know. Something.

 

She texts me that she wants to be with me. Immediately, I almost go insane. I still ask her to clarify, and she does. She wants me to come over. I'm a little disappointed, but there are worse things than a girl telling you that she wishes you were still there at 10pm. (We live about 10 minutes apart, so this isn't a big deal.)

 

Her friends are there, but she's being very "friendly." Making a point to touch me and stuff. It was amazing. She asks me at one point if I'm staying over. I say, coyly, that I wasn't invited. She gives me "the look."

 

I'm staying over.

 

Her friends leave, one-by-one, and then we start making out and touching and things are progressing, and she tells me to stop. She wants to go outside for a cigarette. (She usually smokes one or two a day, if at all.)

 

She tells me that, in a lot of ways, she just wants to say "**** it" and go for it with me. She loves that I'm crazy about her, and it makes her feel good.

 

But some other part of her still wants this other guy who isn't interested.

 

Anyway, she told me that she doesn't think I should stay over.

 

Unfortunately, I've gotten somewhat drunk in the interim. She was drunker, so I was able to convince her that I was OK to drive.

 

Let me say this: I NEVER drive drunk. Ever. Ever. Ever. Except when I think it will make THIS girl happier. Nothing makes sense anymore.

 

I'm still so glad I went, though.

 

Wow, Bruce! That's great, at least you know you haven't been completely written off. And you got to make out with her a bit, which is an awesome step forward.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I feel totally crazy right now. I don't know. I really hope this guy doesn't realize what a dope he's being and decide he wants to be with her, because I want her. Bad. I really hope she comes around and decides to be with me.

 

God, when she sent that message "I wanna be with you," I almost **** a brick. It was insane. My heart starting going crazy. I was trying to keep it together because I knew she was still drunk/high, but I was going nuts.

 

I can't believe how into this girl I am. Again, I've known her barely more than 3 weeks, and I actually met her face-to-face less than 3 weeks ago. This is lunacy. I can't possibly feel this strongly about a girl I've known this briefly. And yet I DO.

 

If you couldn't tell, I'm still a little drunk.

[Titania22]

I feel totally crazy right now. I don't know. I really hope this guy doesn't realize what a dope he's being and decide he wants to be with her, because I want her. Bad. I really hope she comes around and decides to be with me.

 

God, when she sent that message "I wanna be with you," I almost **** a brick. It was insane. My heart starting going crazy. I was trying to keep it together because I knew she was still drunk/high, but I was going nuts.

 

I can't believe how into this girl I am. Again, I've known her barely more than 3 weeks, and I actually met her face-to-face less than 3 weeks ago. This is lunacy. I can't possibly feel this strongly about a girl I've known this briefly. And yet I DO.

 

If you couldn't tell, I'm still a little drunk.

 

No sleep for you tonight, me thinks.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

No sleep for you tonight, me thinks.

 

Lookin' like it.

[smudge21]

Bruce, you need to take a moment here, a long moment. I can see that there's a good chance things could go bad here, I hope they don't, but they could. This girl is interested clearly but this other guy issue sounds bad. I wouldn't want to see you get hurt and have to start posting in the Coping thread.

 

I know you're on top of the world when with this girl, we all get like that, and so it's impossible to see the negatives right now. You're living the dream and you want it to continue and I really hope it does, but try and focus on what's happening and deal with it. She may see this other guy as more of a challenge and so eventually chose him, so maybe consider being less available (play the game).

 

Obviously every situation is different but it just seems that way to me. Like I said, I know how you're feeling right now and it's great. Having a girl showing interest and spending time with her is fantastic - having everything going your way is just the best. I recall my recent ex - she was what I consider out of my league yet she showed interest in me. I was on cloud nine, but sadly from there the only way is down.

 

Hope it does work out for you, but try to think with your head as well as your heart.

[nyc_guy2003]

That's a great story. If I was a betting man I say it will happen again, and you should play it cool again, don't get all needy and complain that she's stopping short. Like the previous guy said you should probably play a little hard to get, but not too hard.

 

As for me, a couple years ago I was addicted to another girl, not as bad as to the current one, but the other girl eventually offered herself up to me. I declined (because I was married) and in the process cured myself of my addiction to her. So I'm kind of hoping that happens with the current girl, but so far she has shown zero interest in anything but being friends. We'll see.

[FreeNow]

Huh. That's a pretty interesting article. So the suggestion is that this will likely be a temporary feeling? I wish I had some confidence in that.

 

That was just one article's take on the whole thing.

 

It can be longer, there are posting sites devoted to people dealing with long term unrequited limerence.

 

I dealt with nagging limerence that spanned over 25ish (??) years... two marriages, a house full of children raised, and a couple of careers!

 

I wish you all well dealing with it. Aggressive cognitive re-framing is all that I found worked for me to get rid of it. It would've lingered in some form or another for the rest of my life if it hadn't been dealt with.

[nyc_guy2003]

I dealt with nagging limerence that spanned over 25ish (??) years... two marriages, a house full of children raised, and a couple of careers!

 

How is that possible??

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Don't get me wrong. I'm well aware that I'm treading on dangerous ground, and that there is at least an even money chance that I get hurt pretty badly by all of this.

 

But **** it, right? I mean, who ever lived a happy, satisfying life not trying to get what they wanted because it might now work out?

 

I'm completely off my rocker for this chick, so I couldn't quit on her if I wanted to, anyway.

[smudge21]

You've got it bad Bruce, but that's okay, we all do. Enjoy it while it lasts (which could be for a long time, who knows). I understand totally that nothing will drag away from this girl right now, so was just offering some friendly advice (although if roles were reveresed, I doubt I'd take it either).

 

I think so many of us forget so easily how happy we get when in Bruce's situation after things end. Make the most of it mate. Good luck.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Oh, I very much do have it bad. It's ridiculous. 95% of my waking hours are spent thinking about her. I actually bought a few books about obsessive love, addiction to people, love as mental illness, etc., and what they describe sounds exactly like what I'm going through.

[smudge21]

Only ever been obsessive like this with a few girls and they do follow a kind of pattern as detailed here; they're generally a challenge (coming out of relationship or stuck in one they want to leave), usually see each other via mutual friends or work all the time and the ultimate one, I don't usually fancy them at first. They're friends for a long time and I'm just casual and nice with them because I'm not expecting or looking for anything and these girls usually are the types that get male attention (in that way). So I'll be just okay with them, flirting yes, but all just banter, not serious. This usually leads to them chasing me.

 

My last ex was in my head most of last year, and occasionally she's still there now even though we've parted ways. Just really got on so well with her in every way - like we were meant to be.

 

I do hope something comes from this for you, but just watch the obsession. You could drown her in attention and no one ever wants that.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

I do hope something comes from this for you, but just watch the obsession. You could drown her in attention and no one ever wants that.

 

I've actually been really good about this of late. Excluding last Thursday, when I was baked and drunk, and I sent her a few dozen texts about how awesome she is, I've barely sent her any unsolicited texts at all. I've also kind of waited for her to ask me to hang out, unless I was already going out just to let her know she was invited.

 

She actually busted on me a little about how I had stopped talking to her, and I told her I was trying not to be overbearing.

 

Anyway, I'm hoping that playing cool and giving her space helps her get comfortable or whatever enough to let me in (metaphorically speaking), but I don't have high hopes. She's coming to my show tonight, but she texted me last night that she "kind of" invited that other guy she's seeing. Apparently he asked her what she was doing, she told him she was coming to the show, and made an offhand comment about him being welcome to come. (Not as a date; she's bringing a bunch of friends and realized immediately after the potential for awkwardness.)

 

Apparently he knows who I am, and doesn't much like me, but he doesn't realize that it's my show. I don't know. She said he probably won't come, but it might get awkward if he realizes who I am. I don't know. This is weird.

[FreeNow]

How is that possible??

 

I would've told another it was impossible if it hadn't happened to me.

 

It's actually pretty simple. There is a part of the person experiencing limerence that refreshes the feelings for the other person from time to time. It feeds the emotional memories just enough to keep it alive. I'm clearly no expert, but that's my best explanation right now.

 

NC and all of those techniques help the person to get to a state of indifference to the other person. When one's mind begins to refresh those emotional memories, one must re-frame to avoid keeping those feelings alive. If one doesn't, it can continue indefinitely. I guess most people re-frame automatically so we get those sayings about 'giving it time'. During that time, the mind re-orders what it's going to feed and what it's going to allow to starve. In my case, the automatic re-framing didn't happen.

[Frank13]

She texted me some pics of her modeling the clothes she just bought, asking my opinion. I figure this means one of three things:

 

1) She values my opinion of her appearance. I suggested one outfit over the other because it made her look "classier," and she asked if I also thought she looked hot (she did). This would be good, because it would mean that she wants me to be attracted to her.

 

 

No this means she wants other guys to be attaracted to her and she is simply asking for a guy's opinion.

 

I hate to say it but we want it to be what you think but I found it rarely is.

[nyc_guy2003]

I'm waiting for an update from Mr. Bruce on this one. I'm slowly but surely weaning myself off my addiction, again. And she's out of town for most of the next 3 weeks so that will give me some breathing room...unless she happens to contact me while she's away.

[Frank13]

Wow! I have been here for months but never came across anything that applied to me until I came across this thread. I was embarassed about my situation until I saw so many people who feel the same way.

 

Here is my "short" version story (I hope she never sees it).

 

A woman at work befriended me. She pursued the friendship. She said I was different than the other guys. I never was interested in her as other than a casual work friend. If she would have quit I never would have saw her again. We got along great and had a lot of fun. We didn't flirt and we never touched each other. After a couple years I stated getting feelings for her and I fell hard. It wasn't even about sex. I just wanted to be with her all the time. I wanted to hold her, protect her, and take care of her.

 

This caused me to become closer to her. We talked more and had some serious conversations about personal things in our lives. We became best friends. She started hugging me. We are both married (me not happily for yearts and I am wanting to end it but I am afraid of being alone forever if I do).

 

I tried to surpress my feelings for months. I tried to convince myself that it is so much better to be just friends (ie, I spend more time with her at work than if we were together, no worry about breaking up, won't lose the friendship etc). Of course this didn't woirk and after a while I felt that I would regret not taking a chance on us romatically if the opportunity ever came up. I also felt like I had a constant broken heart.

 

In an attempt to get over my feelings, I started withdrawing and avoiding her. This just made her pursue me. After several weeks we got back together as friends.

 

A couple weeks later she admitted developing more than "just friend" feelings for me during the time I avoided her and they got stronger when we got back together. Being that she is married, I asked if it worried, or bothered, her that she was developing feelings for me. She said it didn't because she feels good when she is around me and that I make her feel secure. I then told her how I felt. I thought this was great. I thought just knowing that she had romantic feelings for me would be enough, even if we didn't act on them, and that it would just make us closer friends.

 

She asked "what do we do about it?" and asked what I wanted. I asked her if she thought her feelings might pass. She said "no". I told her I would like to move forward with us and see where it goes (I said I would leave my wife for a chance to see where it went with her as I would not cheat on my wife). She said she would like to keep things the way they are. She also said she wanted to wait. When I asked "wait for what?", she said "to see what happens". I don't know what that meant. A little later she said she was confused. I told her that "confused" is what people say when they don't have feelings and want to let someone down easy. She denied that was the case but I don't remember what else she said about it. She does have kids and I told her they were the most important thingh to consider.

 

A felt good for about a week. Then based on the things she had said, I was beginning to realize that we would never be anything more than just friends. Of course this just made me "want what I can't have" so my feelings for her got even more intense.

 

Now it was complete torture being around her. I didn't enjoy my time with her. It felt to me like we had been in a romantic relationship, that I was crazy about her, but that she dumped me and now I had to work with her. It was like I could look but not touch. I wanted to be with her so badly that she now became a source of pure pain. Pain I had to escape from.

 

I figured if we will never be more that just friends that I need to start acting like just friends. So again I started to withdraw. She immediately picked up on this and asked if I didn't want to be her friend anymore.

 

I told her that she has made it very clear that we would never be more than just friends and that it hurts me very badly. I said I need to decide whether I can be her friend and deal with my feelings or whether I needed to end the friendship. I told her I was open to any suggestions she might have but she said nothing. She then said she doesn't want me to hurt so would would respect my decision either way.

 

I told her I had to end the friendship and walked away. The next day I saw her and I melted. I couldn't stand the thought of not being at least friends with her so I told her I changed my mind. She said she was shocked when I had told her I had to end the friendship the day before. She then hugged me and held my hand (first time she ever held my hand).

 

I thought all was good. However, later that day the pain came back. It was awful. As bad as it was to be around her, it was much worse to think of ending the friendship BUT that is the only thing that gave me any glimmer of hope that the pain would eventually stop. In the end there was no choice or decison to make. There was only one thing that I could do. I called her and told her that the only way for me to get over her was to get her completely out of my life and that I had to end the friendship. She said she would miss me and we said good bye.

 

I went N/C and avoided her at work. It took 5 days to just start feeling a little better. Then it got worse for a couple. At day 8 of N/C I was feeling really good. I saw her but didn't talk to her. It set me back a little but I knew I was getting better. However at day 9 we were in the office and I didn't see her but I heard her laughing real loud with another guy. This destroyed me and set me back to day one. No, I didn't expect her to lay down and die and I know I am not being rational but it just feels like she has forgotten all about me, never cared, and has moved on (and maybe replaced me with a new guy friend). I know I have no right to feel this way. I am the one that ended things but due to the circumstances, it actually feels like she did. We all just like to think the other person is suffering as much as us, at least for a little bit.

 

So while I was feeling pretty good at day 8, here I am today in hell with a huge hole in my heart. It has been the worst day of all of this. Part of me wants to quit my job to get her out of my life forever, but jobs are hard to find and I would take a huge pay cut. I have never been so emotional over someone that it made me seriously consider quitting my job. Another part of me is hoping these feelings pass and we can be friends again. I guess the only thing I can really hope for is to keep avoiding her and hope in the end we can just be co-workers without a friendship. I do miss her badly but know the alternative is the pain.

 

The sad thing is that it is probably all because I simply want what I can't have. She is married and has kids and I know that is playing a role in this as it makes it certain that I can't have her. I do respect her for not wanting to have an affair. I don't want her to leave her husband over me and I don't want an affair either. They say when there is no hope that you will lose your feelings. I hope that happens with me.

 

Sorry for the long post. I have kept this bottled up for so long and have no one to talk to about it. I also didn't want her to see this post but when I saw this thread it made me realize I am not alone in this and I had to reply.

Edited May 14, 2011 by Frank13

[Titania22]

Thanks Frank, for sharing your heart wrenching story. I am glad that my thread has shown you that at the very least you are not alone in your feelings.