I really just need some understanding this..

[ALombard]

For those of you who don't know my back story, I have been a visitor to this site periodically for the last three years. The kicker is, it's always been because of one girl, my on-and-off again ex. I bet reading those first few sentences a few of you are probably think I am some kind dumb sh*t and honestly I wouldn't blame you. Anyway, story of my life....for the last 5 years I have been with one girl. For 3 years out of those 5 she has annually broken up with me for another guy just to come crawling back a few months later. The break ups are always the same, we start fighting a lot, she gets distant and then cheats on me (i think) and dumbs me. A few days later she is already dating someone else. I'm always the one to blame, it's always my fautl according to her. Always the same reasons, she's not happy, I don't respect her, etc.

 

Anyway so here's my issue. I went out last night for a little send off to the weekend. I got drunk and was having a great time, but towards the end of the night I got tired and started getting caught up in my own head. I woke up this morning in, well to say the least, a HORRIBLE F*CKING mood! I went all week almost without having any compassion for my ex. I let my hate take control and just said f*ck her! But now I'm in this state of, i don't know....missing her? I woke up and was bummed out that I didn't feel her next to me, or that I couldn't kiss her on the forhead before I left for work, or that I'm not going be recieving a phone call from her when she wakes up later. I know that when I get home I will miss her not being on my couch or in the room just sitting there. I won't be able to go to bed tonight with her next to me. It's like all this little sh*t is all of a sudden now bugging me, and there in lies the problem.

 

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL THIS WAY?!? Let me explain...

 

Each time she dumped me for, always for another guy. I was wrecked. I always heard the same thing from her. "We aren't getting back together", "I am happy without you", blah blah blah. Within a few months she crawling back, and my dumb ass always takes her back. Each time we get back together she always comes in the relationship guns blazing. She's driven, goal oriented, and just a generally awesome person to be around. Within a few months though we are fighting again. I get on her ass about finding a job, or focusing on school, or not getting drunk everynight. She in return just yells at me for anything. She takes my criticism as disrespectful and thinks I am talking down to her. I told her constantly I wasn't and even went as far as to apologize FOR NOTHING!

 

Anyway, so it's always the same vicious pattern. So this last time she left I told myself I wasn't going to be insanely depressed. I told myself to get over it and move on. I mean I have to. If I went back to this girl again I would basically proving to everyone (including myself) that I have no respect for myself or my emotional well being. I utterly despise the girl right now. I would like nothing more than to never see, hear, or think of her again. I mean she screwed me over again, she lied to me again, she disrespected me AGAIN!

 

So my question is this...Why am I so bummed out?! I mean seriously. I know I can never go back to her, out of respect for myself. I know she will never change and will constantly lie to me and never really put all she needs to into our relationship. I know that no matter how badly I want it to work it never will. I know she can do nothing but hurt me and that eventually I always end up wanting out of the relationship anyway and that she will just beat me to the punch and wreck me. So why am I sad? Why does part of me still want to be with her again when she comes crawling back? Why does part of me want to forgive her and take her in my arms and make her feel safe again? Why can't I just look past her facade and move on?