HELL: The Final Count Down

[Samson]

Fellow LS'er read the following knowing that I post with the full knowledge my wife may read it! Hi ya!

 

Yeah, I know she "forbid" me from posting on LS. She said it made her feel as if I couldn't share whatever I'd posted with her, but had to share it with strangers instead. But, despite THREE MONTHS of counseling, that I estimate cost $1000.00, a cost I bore teaching for two weeks while she spent her mornings at the spa, showering, then watching soap operas all afternoon, we agree we have not moved from square ONE!

 

So now F**k it, I'm postin'.

 

Now, last weekend the straw broke the camel's back: Complaining about my having sent my mother a "get well" card after surgery (she has no recollection of receiving such recognition, despite having laveshly decorated our home prior to her arrival after delivering our daughter 18 months ago).

 

Ok, my line in the sand: She ever mentions anything that upset her before 4/4/04 (easy to remember?), the I'm outta here, lawyer in tow. For the past 10 years I've been accosted by one historical point or another that I couldn't recall. No more.

 

The result: status quo for past 6 years; WE ARE ROOM MATES. Our conversation is at its deapest when we discuss the weather on a daily basis.

 

For the past month, I've tried spontaneous romance, e.g. What festivals would you like to attend during April? Would you like to go to dinner for your B'day? Could you join me for lunch, al fresco, on this beautiful day I have off? Here, I overcooked your steak last night: I've bought another tonight to make up for it, OK? Would you like to join me and the kids for pictures in the spring wild flowers? Would you like to go to a movie?

 

SHE REJECTED ALL

 

Regardless of whatever mental illnes might be at work, this seems to be over. Child support will cost $900/mo. I think I'll be able to live more comfortably than the cardboard box.

[meanon]

Samson, your days in Hell are numbered. You've done all you can. Time to let go.

[Juggs]

*HUG*

 

I'm sorry, Sampson....

[brashgal]

I'm sorry, Sampson. I was pulling for you. It really does take two though.

[catspajamas]

OUCH!

[DerangedAngel]

Oh, hun, I'm so sorry. I agree that you've tried to make it work... I'm sorry she didn't do her part. I wish you the very best. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

 

-Deranged

[Karlise]

Sorry to hear about what your're going through. Sounds really awful.

 

You tried.

That said,there's a point where you have to stop trying and make some tough decisions.

Sounds like you did.

 

I wish you luck. You will be fine, in the long run. Someday you will look back and THANK GOD you left when you did.

[gaia]

A man can only take so much. You've given it your best shot, samson.

 

I hope it's not too painful

[Samson]

Thanx to all,

 

Since last week status quo has been effective: Discuss weather, yes a cold front is moving in today, might rain!

 

I cannot leave until every stone has been turned.

 

Any of you know how many stones there are on the planet? Well, I'll give you an estimate: LOTS.

 

Especially when you've got three kids; 10 yrs, 8 yrs, and 18 mo.

 

On the one hand I'd absolutely LOVE TO LEAVE THIS HELL.

 

ON THE OTHER WHAT ABOUT MY KIDS?

 

Yeah, I've been told that kids a "amazingly resilliant." I've also seen the long and short term results of kids whose parents have divorced. Not the pretty picture I'd hope for.

 

But finally, I haven't really heard from children: PLEASE ANSWER:

 

CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS: ARE YOU HAPPY YOUR PARENTS DIVORCED?

[meanon]

Yes but they did not separate until I was in adulthood, my sister was 18.

 

Samson I did a brief audit of academic sociological research on this topic once. The studies were very contradictory, depending on the nature of the marriage. Where there was a fair degree of visible strife the children seemed better off after the divorce. Where parents concealed the worst effects of the breakdown of the relationship, children found the divorce more distressing - tending to blame themselves.

 

Another critical thing to consider in how well children fare is how far they are able to sustain a meaningful relationship with the absent parent. I've seen many young kids that are fine after an initial period of distress but all have retained substantial contact with the father.

 

Longer term absent Dads tend to lose out as new relationships are formed, even if the kids are OK.

 

Samson, you've been in my thoughts these last few days. I wish you well.

[lostforwords]

Sampson... im truly sorry to hear you having to make such a decision..... i too am going thru or will be soon, a divorce.... however we have been seperated for approximately 5 years now.... kids are very resillient..... however i wish they wouldnt have had to gone thru a trying time with thier father and myself.... but it needed to be done.... just never forget to always be there for your children.... now my parents divorced 4 years ago.... I wish they had divorced when i was younger..... it would have saved many crying nights for myself because of the fighting as well im sure they would have remained good friends i believe..... just some food for thought.....

 

On a lighter side: soooo your gonna be single eh..... (in my best Joey from friends voice....) How you doinnn??? JK.... hope everything works out for you....

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by Samson

Especially when you've got three kids; 10 yrs, 8 yrs, and 18 mo.

On the one hand I'd absolutely LOVE TO LEAVE THIS HELL.ON THE OTHER WHAT ABOUT MY KIDS?

 

 

I divorced from being in a horrific marriage while my chidren were age 4 and at birth... I can't speak AS a child.. but I'll speak FOR my 2 girls.. they are now age 23 and 26..

 

Guess who has the LEAST ISSUES.. and NEAR NO CONCERNs?

 

Yep.. it was the newborn... not ONE issue... who is now 23.. Why? Because she did not WITNESS a dysfunctional household..

 

The 4 y/o ... who is now 26,,, STILL recalls witnessing my abuse.. recalls the name calling.. the crying... the screaming.. from as far back to her only being 4 years old...

 

Imagine??? ... Just food for thought... and today, they love their dad... they don't like that I was abused BUT they don't speak to him about bad stuff.. they just enjoy their time with him.. and they're grateful to have BOTH of us...

 

From that divorce on... it was civil... I had to MAKE it civil for the sake of my girls.. there was NO MORE hell in my space... but for ONCE, beginning the day of divorce.. I was finally at peace.. finally at rest.. God bless you and your children...rose

[Fritz]

I was about 12 when mine went splitsville. It was hard at first mainly because it was rather nasty until things finalized and even then things were wishy washy at times until I was a year into college and safely away from the BS, which I blame both my folks for but after some time things got better. I know I wouldn't have wanted to continue living together as a family with the way things were going between my folks. I think it all depends on the parents as far as how kids deal with it. Keep the kids out of the fighting, spend time with them and tell'em ya love'em (something my mom did for the most part, and dad didn't, thus we have had strained relations for years) .

 

The people I knew who turned out rather messed up were usually because their parents were messed up. I'd though I had it bad until my best friend at the time let me listen to the taped calls of his old man talking dirty to his mistress. I still feel bad for that guy and his brother. Both of his parents were selfish idiots and insane.

 

 

Sorry if this wasn't too encouraging. Hang in there.

[moimeme]

I was 13 when my folks divorced. I was glad because I was sick of the fighting.

 

I've seen the same sorts of reports Meanon spoke of. If you've been fighting in front of the kids or at least within earshot, it will be easier on them if you divorce. If you've kept it to yourselves, it won't. My ex had four kids and his split was by far the hardest on the younger ones (6 & 7). The 10-yr-old is getting to be old enough to understand the explanation that mommy and daddy don't live well together but the 6-yr-old will find that hard to take.

[echocrush]

I've went through 5 divorces with my mother... yes 5... Ahem, well the 5th is in progress, and she never married my real dad... but still, the first three were before I was 12. So allow me to be honest. Once the divorces were over so was most contact with pseudo daddies.

 

The amount of damage done to the child in my experience is directly relational to the emotional maturity of the parents. It hurts to hear bad things about the other parent, and it hurts not having a daddy around. Little girls without daddies grow up looking for someone to take his place. I grew up resenting first my father for leaving me, but as I got older my mother for not being able to keep them around. Eventually I got over all of it... but I had a pretty messed up child hood because my mom was very emotionally unstable. So it is not always best for the mother to have custody... and courts are now starting to realize this...

 

Now on to being divorced, I was in a marriage from hell for 8 years, I stayed for the children (and because I didn't want to be my mother, but that's another thread). I stayed until I began to see the effects of the stress on my children. Until my son drew a picture of his family and told me "this is daddy yelling, this is mommy crying" my kids were 8, 5, and 3 (now 10, 7, and 5)

 

The oldest took the whole divorce thing well... she was so happy when we left, she misses her dad but so far she's done much better. she is very protective of me and tends to be a bit over responsible. She helps me with quite a bit, and when I met my new husband her first question was when will you marry my Mom.

 

My son took it harder, he used to look at me and say "I'm so sad you and daddy broke up" He misses Daddy the most, and after a phone call or visit he acts out for a week or so.

 

Little one was too young to really understand what was going on, but he was gone most of the time she was a baby too, she loves him, and sometimes she misses Daddy. Others she doesn't miss him much at all. Last time he came to visit she answered the door and called him by his first name! Sometimes she doesn't want to talk to him at all...

 

Now my situation is a bit different, he only comes to see the kids once or twice a year and calls maybe once a month. I have tried very hard to stay friends with their father, and keep him informed of important things in their life. I still try to keep him as involved with them as possible without being involved with him.

 

So... this is my situation informed or skewed is up to you. If you stayed more involved than their father has I know it would be an entirely different situation, but i can only tell you what I know, right?

 

Kids are tough, and they are smart. I talked to my kids alot, I let them asked questions and answered them as best as I could. Honesty is important.

 

I can't stress how important it is for kids to have both a strong mother and father figure in their lives. Divorce itself won't mess them up as bad as struggling to fill that gap in their lives. Making sure the kids know that both parents love them, and that any bad things aren't their fault is important, and haing parents emotionally mature enough to not fight for affection or play head games is too.

 

Talk to the oldest, my 10 year old is pretty smart. Not like How do you feel about divorce kid, but just feeling the kid out, try to find out what is in their head... my suggestion only.

 

I'm sure I could go one all night with what I've learned and mistakes I've made. I'm the only person i know who can make a short story so damned long... sorry!

[zarathustra]

I was 4, my brother 2 and my sister in utero when my mother divorced my father.

 

My mother raised, on her own, three happy, resourceful and (mostly) responsible children.

 

Neither I nor my siblings are divorce-spawn dysfunctional.

 

Did I miss my Dad when he left when I was 4? You bet.

 

But life goes on, fella. One heals.

 

Get outta there, Samson.

 

You deserve, if not happiness, a life without chronic misery, desolation and constant warfare.

[Thinkalot]

Sorry Samson It does take two,and it sounds like you have given it your all. Sending you my best.

 

Regards divorced parents: mine divorced when I was 4. I love them both and was raised in a happy household, which is better than being raised in one full of fights and tension.

 

Mypartner's parents divorced when he was about 19. He wishes they'd done it sooner, because he hated living with all the fighting. His mum said she stayed there for him- but he says it wasn't pleasant at all.

[moimeme]

My son took it harder, he used to look at me and say "I'm so sad you and daddy broke up" He misses Daddy the most

 

My ex's son (the 6-year-old) took it hardest, too. I think it is hard for little boys to be without their dads at that age. I just reread yours and see that your middle's 8 rather than 6 but if the 8-year-old is a boy, it may hit him harder.

[SlapDick]

I am sure Samson appreciates the sympathy group represented here, but comparatively speaking, he seems far from the fires of the HELL described in many other postings. Where are the raging fight scenes, yelling & screaming, separation, adultery, porn, substance abuse, etc., etc., etc., that so many other posters suffer? If he’s in “HELL” then it seems many would trade places.

 

So the “flame of love” has ceased to burn in his marriage. So he’s tried to rekindle it without success? Tough, Samson: You should have though of this possibility (probability?) before you had kids. Are they supposed to suffer for your poor judgment? Was everything going just GREAT 10 years ago, before the birth of your son? OK, I’ll buy that it was. And it was GREAT 8 years ago, before the birth of your second son? Although I feel you fooled me once (shame on you), I’ll go ahead and believe that your marriage was just terrific then also (shame on me).

 

BUT COME ON, SAMSON! You expect me to believe your marriage was just fine a couple of years ago during the period surrounding the conception of your third child? Forgettaboutit!

 

You know what I think? I think the goings gotten tough, and the weak wussies want to bail.

 

Suck it up Samson. You think you’re the first guy who has made mistakes, then wanted to run from them? Be a man. Face your responsibilities: Raise your kids to respect you. Sure the wife is a problem: Deal with it. Work longer hours. Find a hobby on weeknights (become a scout master, basketball coach, whatever it takes to stay away from her). Play Poker, Golf, Billiards, or whatever with the guys once in a while. Give her a chance to have a “girl’s night out,” (another excuse for you to have a much need break from her frigid presence). Take the kids camping and fishing on weekends to “give her a break” from them (again avoiding her contempt).

 

Doesn’t sound like HEAVEN? Too bad Samson, its your bed, now learn to lie in it.

[meanon]

[gaia]

I remember that name. In the end you'll have to do what feels right for you and your kids, samson, but noone here seems to judge you harshly either way (and LS can be quite a judgemental place).

 

Take care of yourself.

[zarathustra]

and LS can be quite a judgemental place

 

I'd never guess that!

[Wolvesbaned]

You know what I think? I think the goings gotten tough, and the weak wussies want to bail.

You act as if supporting and showing love to kids is only possible if you live with them. I came from a household full of constant bickering and arguing, they only divorced once I was an adult (and with my help and push). So many times I had wished they divorced earlier. Do you know how that kind of environment affects kids? Children are very bright and you can't simply play off a happy relationship when it's obviously the opposite. What kind of example are you setting by living a life of misery?

 

I know a few people that had divorced parents at a young age and their fathers efforts were phenomenal. Samson, if you decide on divorce, just make it perfectly clear to your kids that it's not their fault. Do something to make up for you not living with them all the time. Ask your eldest what extra he would like for you to do to make up for not living under the same roof all the time. Make them understand, both my telling them and showing them that you will be there regardless... (sharing a house is overrated!) Trying your hardest to be there for them should be easy because all you have to do is transfer a little bit of that energy in saving your marriage into showing your kids love.

 

You can be a scout master and couch, a much happier one in fact! Just know you can do all these things even if you decide to divorce.

 

Doesn’t sound like HEAVEN? Too bad Samson, its your bed, now learn to lie in it.

Hell, why does it have to be the worst-case-scenario before someone can legitimately complain and get some sympathy. The same logic goes: it's your foolass to let it get that bad in the first place, you deserve it, so lie in it. The thing is no one should have to lie in it. We just have different realities and expectations, there should be no comparison. All our situations must look like heaven if we compare it to _______ (fill the blank with the most tragic story you find). It doesn't make our lives any better. I'm not even talking about standards, it's not that --it's just everyone has different limits. Nothing more. SlapDick, stop feeling sorry for yourself already and be happy that someone is actually considering other means to achieve happiness.

 

Samson, I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[SlapDick]

You're being naive, Wolf,

 

Samson's kids will most likly hate him: Where might his wife move after divorce? Could he follow? If not, how can he show "what extra he would like for you to do to make up for not living under the same roof all the time."

 

What if wife remarried some monster?

 

Suck it up Samson. Get a home improvement project going. I've built myself a "Work Room" where I can hide-a-way from the wife when necessary. Sure, it is not big, but it has a little TV, and I can smoke all the cigars I want to in there. Maybe even have a drink in pease once in a while!

 

You'll eventually get used to the constant hatred and contempt your wife has for you, Samson, and then you will be used to the pain; so used to it that you'll forget it is there. Butch up guy, you are not the first to "Grin and Bear" it.

[lostforwords]

slapdick??? k... so its healthy to hide yourself in a workroom when things get "tough"?.... what you find yourself doing may not be healthy for others to do..... samson has identified whats wrong in his marriage, hes taken the steps to improve it, hes done what he feels he can do.... when you have no cooperation for another spouse and you see yourself as being defeated.... what otehr option is there..... well samson is making decisions no doubt big decisions.... please remember hes most likely not looked at this lightly..... as you have been expressing..... samson..... you have supporters here as well.....