HELL: The Final Count Down

[moimeme]

I didn't even see the pattern, but the counselor finally figured it out and we addressed the problem.

 

Now THAT is an excellent counsellor!!!

[meanon]

Well Samson - she finally took the bait

 

I think it would be great to explore whether or not I (and her) might be clinically depressed

 

Yes - I agree. The marriage counselling is unlikely to work if either/neither of you are not in the right frame of mind to learn from it and make the necessary changes. If it's successful it will save the marriage or help you both to agree that it's time to end it. SlapDicks's method of coping is proving harmful to you both - this can't go on.

 

Take care, Samson

[gaia]

Totally agree, meanon. I also think the marriage counsellor is probably feeling way out of his/her depth with this.

Samson

Some I'm still dealing with. Certainly, it is a constant evolution. But I haven't "pretended" not to have been affected. I've not hidden it from anyone, including, obviously, Delilah.

 

It is possible that I've missed something, but I think you have hidden it quite well here! I had absolutely no idea about this stuff.

[coursingthru]

Originally posted by Samson

But finally, I haven't really heard from children: PLEASE ANSWER:

 

CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS: ARE YOU HAPPY YOUR PARENTS DIVORCED?

 

 

I was only married for 8 years. We have a now 14 year old daughter and I raised his son who is 16 now, from 1 1/2 to 8 1/2. We did all the counseling too - he was placed in anger management. the counselor told me that "a leopard never changes his spots".

 

 

I took heed to this and followed the steps to do to leave the marriage. I wasn't happy nor did I love him like I should. I was staying for the kids but when my parenting started being affected because of our marriage - I knew I had to pack it up because nothing was working. My husband told me if I didn't take him back - I could never see my (step) son again. It was the most difficult thing for me as he was truly like my own son and he loved me to death - but I knew the misery I was suffering by staying. I left with my daughter.

 

 

It has now been 7 years and to this day - although my ex is involved in his now 4th marriage (i've yet to remarry or have any other kids), when I am single and on my own - he is the greatest guy on earth and the best dad. When I am in a relationship, he makes my life miserable and sucks at being a dad.

 

 

In the end - my daughter is so strong it scares me how resilient she is, I ask her how is she so strong - she said "mom, just look in the mirror and you'll know why".

 

 

She is an all A student - has gotten the Pres of the United States award for excellent gpa since kindergarten in the 6th grade (she was in a school of 900 kids - only 6, 6th graders out of 200 received the award. She won the D.A.R.E. essay award. They always have said that if the schooling is affected, then you know something is wrong at home.

 

 

Maybe because I put her in art therapy right after my ex bailed to Texas and another round of therapy where she and I both went together - she came full circle very quickly and learned how to deal with her emotions.

 

 

Her dad is the one who is losing out right now. If I have any advice to give - never let your kids down Samson - they will remember as my daughter does with her dad and what I have had to curb with her is the making excuses for him. He and I are both in Real Estate, so when she says that dad can't pick her up for his dinner cause he has a client - I gently remind her that clients can be put off or rearranged when it comes time to be together. I don't want her entering into a relationship making excuses for a man unless they are valid.

 

 

Stay involved with your kids - don't talk negative about your wife in front of them. my ex does that with my kid and trys to say "you don't know your mom like i do". my kid just tells him "dad, i do know who my mom is". I have raised her as her own little person, give her respect, allow her opinions, allow her to make mistakes and know "it happens", options and to express how she thinks and feels to me. I never tell her that's not how she thinks or feels, because then she would be shut down.

 

 

I let her rant and rave - heck we do it as adults so why not let our kids too? I don't know how many times I hear my kid tell me how her friends think I am so cool or how their moms wouldn't let them do this or that - my kid responds with "my mom trusts me and because i do well in school - i get certain privleges."

 

 

When she comes back from her dads - I get slammed with her anger from her animosity towards her dad. I asked a therapist why do I get the brunt? She said because your daughter feels comfortable and knows she can express herself with you because she is not afraid of how you'll react. You let her and encourage her too and it's a good thing. She said when she does some things - just respond with "I don't think so - but nice try anyway".

 

 

I look at my ex's 16 yr old and he is fearful and an attitude with his dad. My daughter's response is always " i can't tell my dad this or that cause he'll get mad". I HATE THAT THE MOST because that tells me she could meet a man and put up with the worst - not tell me and make excuses.

 

 

I'm giving her the tools that I didn't have and I read any book I can or am offered when it comes to parenting or for my own well-being. My kid has all the kids of divorce books, step parents with kids books, and it's cute to watch her read and highlight and say how that reminds her of this or that (she's been doing this for over 4 years now). Kids watch you more than you know and take on what you do.

 

 

My daughter is amazing and anyone who meets her or has her over asks if they can keep her longer because of the overall kid she is. Adults like her, it's funny because it has only been she and I for 7 years - she is intuitive and has an adult maturity to maintain a conversation with adults.

 

 

BE TRUE TO YOUR KIDS - DON'T LET THEM DOWN and if you do, I always tell my kid I'm sorry I messed up - we all make mistakes. They are all their own little person and need to be treated as such. You get what you give. I'm glad I've done it the way with my daughter. She is my heart.

[Wolvesbaned]

Dear Delila,

 

You have a man that cares about you. In fact he loves you and his family so much that he's breaking himself trying. He's not perfect and probably doesn't claim to be, but he is trying, please acknowledge that.

 

In marriage, it's so easy to have so many expectations because of years of compromise and compromising situations, arguments, words that shouldn't have been said in anger, it's easy to think "I've done so much for you, I don't deserve this."

 

The only thing is he's probably feeling the same way. In his mind he has been trying, he's just misunderstood. So when you get angry about not seeing any results, he in turn gets frustrated because he has been trying, it's just not how you want him to.

 

I don't claim to know exactly what's been happening. I can only talk by my own experience. But there's something I no longer have, and it's a husband that cares. It would be such a shame if you two can't get past this because there is still so much love between the two of you --and it's not obvious because it's masked by frustration, anger and disappointment, but the force pushing you both is love. What else can motivate two strong people to continue on when it's so hard to?

 

I found an excerpt from an article by Norman Mailer, "when a marriage ends in uncertainty and neither mate knows within who is more at fault for the divorce, then an obsession has commenced. One goes back again and again to the question: Was one more right than wrong, or more wrong than right? Fear stirs, precisely the fear of spiritual consequence. It is then that the ego--its hand on the throttle that will keep us moving forward--discharges funds of assurance. One must keep up the certainty that one is right when one does not know, and somewhere, off to one side, one wonders if one's will is being corroded."

 

It's easy for an onlooker to see what they don't have. I see a family with beautiful children and parents that care. I see two people caring enough to continue when its so difficult to. 40 years from now, when you're old and grey, will you two really remember what you're bickering over? There must be many issues that's been piled up, but you will not remember it. Life is about sharing it with people you love --and you two love each other. If everything else seems unclear, please cherish that.

[Samson]

And here we have it: Wolvesbane and Coursingthru have very thoughtfully posted the main issues for which I've sought opinions, and they both reflect wider opinion as well as my own thoughts. Thanks.

 

We'll see what happens.

 

But, not wait much longer.

[Thinkalot]

Samson and Delila...it's not easy to go to counselling and successfully implement new ways of living/acting whatever. Good on you both for going to the effort of trying. In time, if you both are in the right frame of mind, you can make positive changes. You will both need to let go of so much past anger and hurts though...and that can be hard.

 

I wish you both luck and send my best wishes.