3 years together and realizing that we have nothing in common

[its_jess]

I'm new to this forum but it seems like a good place to go for objective advice...which is exactly what I need right now.

 

When I met my boyfriend three years ago, we fell for each other fast. We had amazing emotional and sexual chemistry, he made me laugh, conversation flowed effortlessly, we got along great. We were an ideal match.

 

I was in school full time and working, he was working an extremely busy schedule (sometimes as much as 70 hours per week). For the first two years of our relationship it was like this since I was still finishing school. I didn't care though; I was happy to be able to come home at the end of a long day and just curl up next to him on the couch. Our schedule and financial situation left very little time/money for leisure activities but, like I said, I was fine with that. It was just the stage we were in.

 

In the past year I've graduated school and acquired a 40 hr/week job in my educated field (which I love). My boyfriend has also received a significant promotion and in turn is working far fewer hours with higher pay. All in all, things are finally coming together for us!

 

Well, not exactly. This is going to sound a little strange but, the more time we spend together, the more I'm realizing how little we have in common. For example, I have always been a huge music enthusiast. I could be entertained by hours just by listening to and discovering new music. I would love to start attending concerts and festivals once in a while, now that I have the funds to do so. My boyfriend pretty much hates music. Not just my music (I have extremely broad tastes - pretty much anything with elements of rock, indie, electronica, dance, alternative, I like), but music in general. He can't even stand having the radio on in the car.

 

In a couple of months one of my favourite bands is coming into town to play a show, and I pretty much begged him to go with me, offering of course to purchase tickets, beer, gas for transport, etc. He flat out refused, saying I'd have to find someone else, concerts are miserable and loud.

 

Okay, that alone is an issue, but a small one. I can find a friend to go with me. So what about things he likes? Like hockey for example (which I love as well). I suggested, "let's go to a hockey game sometime!" (this was during regular season when tickets were more affordable). And again, I have always paid my share in our relationship so it is implied that I would, at the very least, split the cost of the tickets. "No," he says, "hockey games are loud and annoying, I would rather watch the game from the comfort of my own home."

 

The only thing I can think of that we do together outside of the home is eat (go out for dinner once in a while) and visit our families. He won't do anything where there are going to be lots of people (I suggested the zoo last summer, "ugh, no, why would you want to go there??") or noise (I love local microbrew beer, and a new brew pub opened up just down the street from us. I suggested we go check it out, he says "ugh, it will be so loud and crowded. why don't you call (insert friend's name here) and go with her?").

 

It's even extended to my general social life - I have been at the same job for a year and my co-workers (who I've actually grown to be close friends with) have never even met him. One Friday out of the month or so we go out for drinks after work - everyone brings their SO's so I know them almost as well as I know my co-workers. My boyfriend has never come to a single one though I've invited him every time.

 

As for his friends, he has very few, and I have met them. On the rare occasion that they invite him to hang out and he agrees, he always invites me and I almost always go.

 

As a side note: he's also put on a lot of weight since we began dating, probably close to 40lbs. I've stayed the same weight(I've always been slim and work hard to maintain it). It's hard not to link his weight gain to the sedentary lifestyle he's developed. I even bought a premium gym membership that allows me to bring a guest of my choice every time I go, in the hopes that he would join me (the health effects would just be a bonus - I was just searching for something we could do together).

 

Now after reading the above paragraphs it seems as though he must have total disdain for me I guess. But he doesn't! He loves me to pieces...he makes me feel better when I've had a bad day, tells me he can't wait to marry me some day, and that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He is a wonderful, giving, and unselfish lover, and he even still does the "little things" like surprising me with a small gift every now and then. It just seems that we truly, utterly have nothing in common beyond our love for each other.

 

I see couples that do things together that they enjoy - whether it's as simple as hiking or biking together, or going to concerts or museums together - and I'm so jealous. I want so badly to share my interests with my boyfriend, and for him to share his with me. I'm crying even as I type this because my heart is breaking. I'm so unhappy in our relationship lately and although I've tried discussing these issues with him, he tells me I'm overreacting and that those things don't really matter as long as we love each other. I'm really starting to disagree.

 

He will be devastated if I break up with him. I will be devastated. I have no idea what to do.

Edited May 2, 2011 by its_jess

[Stilicho]

honestly, just describe to him that you feel that you guys, as a couple should engage in certain activities together. and that you want to experience your interests with him. strees to him how important they are to you. honestly, i dont think its something to break up over, but it is something to have a serious talk about.

[its_jess]

honestly, just describe to him that you feel that you guys, as a couple should engage in certain activities together. and that you want to experience your interests with him. strees to him how important they are to you. honestly, i dont think its something to break up over, but it is something to have a serious talk about.

 

I have already had this talk with him a couple of times, always in a very calm and compassionate manner, but to no avail. It feels like beating a dead horse.

[SingVoice]

Wow. This was actually very well written...it was very easy to understand your situation.

 

I think that part of being in a relationship is realizing that you AREN'T going to have everything in common. BUT you still have to support the other persons needs/desires/interests. I think in some cases you have to compromise. What I mean I guess is that sure...maybe he doesn't ever WANT to go out. But YOU do. So if he loves you and knows its important to you...he could make an effort once in awhile.

 

I really don't think you are asking too much here. But I would talk to him about it...seriously. Tell him that while you respect his need to stay home...he can't just ALWAYS do what he wants....just like you can't ALWAYS expect him to do what you want. It's about compromise and communication. See what he says?!? If he loves you I would assume he would be willing to go out at least once in awhile...

[SingVoice]

Let me ask you a question....do you feel unsatisfied? Don't think too hard...just answer yes or no.

[welikeincrowds]

Hey, tell this scrooge to stop being a baby and start taking some risks!

 

Or, tell him that this is important to you and that you'd like to work something out. You want to do things with him every once and a while because it's important to you in the relationship.

 

Frankly, his would be a really, really stupid reason to lose a relationship, wouldn't it? I say that not exactly to be confrontational, but more to commiserate. Let's try not to let it come to that.

 

I sincerely doubt he is a bad person or he is trying to undermine you or hurt your feelings. In fact think he is perfectly oblivious to the entire thought process: how you could enjoy those activities in the first place, how not being able to do those things with him in particular is relevant, how this could possibly affect the relationship (except because of some fault of yours -- spoiled? irrational? stubborn?). He is probably especially oblivious to how this could effect and hurt your feelings. And when I say oblivious, I really mean oblivious. I bet none of this even occurs to him, not a single iota of this concept, and that you were moved to tears would greatly confuse him. But this is all just my conjecture.

 

When I was younger -- actually, let's just make that "since I've been alive" -- my mom has gotten on my case about being a "naysayer". I'm a very curious person, don't get me wrong -- but I'm also very picky. I tend to prefer quality over quantity, and that's influenced me to behave a certain way.

 

"Welikeincrowds, you have to stop being such a naysayer. You just automatically 'no' everything and you literally don't know what you're missing. And you think a woman is going to like it when you say no to her all the time?" Something like that.

 

Anyway, she's absolutely right. I got into a habit of defaulting to "no", and it took years of her pointing this out to me, but now every time I notice myself saying "no" to some opportunity, I give it a lot of thought before I say no, because after all, how much better a word is "yes"?

 

But here's the thing. You're not his mother. So hopefully you don't have to teach him how to live a fulfilled life and you probably shouldn't approach it that way. I mean how horrible would it be if he were at a hockey game with you and he was all pouty the whole time because he didn't get his way? "If you don't stop your whining you're going to get grounded, young man." I'm sure it won't have to come to any of this.

[its_jess]

Let me ask you a question....do you feel unsatisfied? Don't think too hard...just answer yes or no.

 

Yes.

 

Apparently I need at least 10 characters to make this post valid.

[Professor X]

First of all, I gotta say, it's the first time I ever heard of someone who doesn't love music, at all.

 

For me, music equals life; It's just such an important part of my life and I'm so happy me and my SO got the same taste, with 1 exception: her favorite band is Metallica and mine is Nightwish.

 

That been said, there is the possibility that the 2 of you just grew apart - it happens; As you've said, he gained a lot of weight - meaning he became (or always was?) somewhat of a couch potato (since he also doesn't go out) while you got yourself a career and new friends.

 

Now, I'm not saying that growing a part is a bad thing, it's good that each gets to have his own interests; But there's also this "point of no return" - which is when you grow to much a part that the RS itself becomes empty and love alone won't be enough to keep it alive.

 

I can only tell you what it looks like, but only you know how it really is how you feel.

So from my point of view it seems like you had crossed that "point of no return" a while ago and I can only suspect it'll get worse with each passing day.

 

As for your last sentence, fear should never dictate your actions or inactions.

 

Yeah, I know, easier said than done.

[its_jess]

Hey, tell this scrooge to stop being a baby and start taking some risks!

 

Or, tell him that this is important to you and that you'd like to work something out. You want to do things with him every once and a while because it's important to you in the relationship.

 

Frankly, his would be a really, really stupid reason to lose a relationship, wouldn't it? I say that not exactly to be confrontational, but more to commiserate. Let's try not to let it come to that.

 

I sincerely doubt he is a bad person or he is trying to undermine you or hurt your feelings. In fact think he is perfectly oblivious to the entire thought process: how you could enjoy those activities in the first place, how not being able to do those things with him in particular is relevant, how this could possibly affect the relationship (except because of some fault of yours -- spoiled? irrational? stubborn?). He is probably especially oblivious to how this could effect and hurt your feelings. And when I say oblivious, I really mean oblivious. I bet none of this even occurs to him, not a single iota of this concept, and that you were moved to tears would greatly confuse him. But this is all just my conjecture.

 

When I was younger -- actually, let's just make that "since I've been alive" -- my mom has gotten on my case about being a "naysayer". I'm a very curious person, don't get me wrong -- but I'm also very picky. I tend to prefer quality over quantity, and that's influenced me to behave a certain way.

 

"Welikeincrowds, you have to stop being such a naysayer. You just automatically 'no' everything and you literally don't know what you're missing. And you think a woman is going to like it when you say no to her all the time?" Something like that.

 

Anyway, she's absolutely right. I got into a habit of defaulting to "no", and it took years of her pointing this out to me, but now every time I notice myself saying "no" to some opportunity, I give it a lot of thought before I say no, because after all, how much better a word is "yes"?

 

But here's the thing. You're not his mother. So hopefully you don't have to teach him how to live a fulfilled life and you probably shouldn't approach it that way. I mean how horrible would it be if he were at a hockey game with you and he was all pouty the whole time because he didn't get his way? "If you don't stop your whining you're going to get grounded, young man." I'm sure it won't have to come to any of this.

 

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. In general I'm the "beta" in the relationship I guess you could say - very passive, laid-back, and always weary of seeming like "the nagging girlfriend." Which is why I'm hesitant to bring it up yet again - not only am I beating a dead horse as I mentioned above - but also because there is absolutely no reward in getting him to do something with me and then having him be miserable the whole time. It would just make me miserable too.

[its_jess]

First of all, I gotta say, it's the first time I ever heard of someone who doesn't love music, at all.

 

For me, music equals life; It's just such an important part of my life and I'm so happy me and my SO got the same taste,

 

This is an excellent summation of how I feel, as well. It's a huge part of my life, and the variety of emotions I feel when I listen to great music is something that I love to share with people who matter to me. It's disheartening that I can't do this with my boyfriend.

[Professor X]

This is an excellent summation of how I feel, as well. It's a huge part of my life, and the variety of emotions I feel when I listen to great music is something that I love to share with people who matter to me. It's disheartening that I can't do this with my boyfriend.

 

Not loving music is such a deal breaker for me, it also has a great deal in how I meet friends - all my friends love the same general style I do: rock (although I love a bit of everything, electronic, classic, local, dance, etc'; rock is just the main genre I listen to).

I listen to music almost all the time.

 

Listening to "Kansas - Carry on my wayward son" right now =)

[its_jess]

Perhaps it would help to note that there is a somewhat significant age difference between us. I am 25 and he is almost 34.

[welikeincrowds]

Perhaps it would help to note that there is a somewhat significant age difference between us. I am 25 and he is almost 34.

 

Yes, this is relevant. Not that 34 is old by any stretch of the imagination, but he is likely to be more set in his ways. He's also, perhaps, less likely to listen to you or trust your opinion on some issues, depending on his general attitude toward you.... (This is mostly stereotyping, I know personally of examples that counter this.)

 

I just really don't want to this to become a point of contention. It does not have to be. I don't want this guy's ego to get involved, or for him to not respect your point of view, or that you might be right and he might be wrong about this. I could see it coming to all of this and it needn't. It also shouldn't be some saintly thing if he agrees to it.

 

One time when I was 3, I had a standoff with my mother. She told me that I have to try at least one green grape. I don't have to eat any more if I don't like it, but I have to try at least one. I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I ate the grape.

 

I believe I sat at that table for 3 hours. I just refused to eat that grape. My mother was an intimidating force when it came to stuff like this, but I was resolute.

 

Unfortunately, so was she, and unwaveringly so. I finally caved in and ate the grape.

 

And hey, green grapes still rank among my most favorite foods to this day. My mom says that my eyes lit up when I ate it and I said "Hey, I really like these!" and then I started laughing. God, I must have been such a pain in the ass.

[its_jess]

Yes, this is relevant. Not that 34 is old by any stretch of the imagination, but he is likely to be more set in his ways. He's also, perhaps, less likely to listen to you or trust your opinion on some issues, depending on his general attitude toward you.... (This is mostly stereotyping, I know personally of examples that counter this.)

 

I just really don't want to this to become a point of contention. It does not have to be. I don't want this guy's ego to get involved, or for him to not respect your point of view, or that you might be right and he might be wrong about this. I could see it coming to all of this and it needn't. It also shouldn't be some saintly thing if he agrees to it.

 

One time when I was 3, I had a standoff with my mother. She told me that I have to try at least one green grape. I don't have to eat any more if I don't like it, but I have to try at least one. I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I ate the grape.

 

I believe I sat at that table for 3 hours. I just refused to eat that grape. My mother was an intimidating force when it came to stuff like this, but I was resolute.

 

Unfortunately, so was she, and unwaveringly so. I finally caved in and ate the grape.

 

And hey, green grapes still rank among my most favorite foods to this day. My mom says that my eyes lit up when I ate it and I said "Hey, I really like these!" and then I started laughing. God, I must have been such a pain in the ass.

 

I already feel a bit like he doesn't respect my point of view. The other day I finished these books that I absolutely KNOW he would love (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo trilogy). I said "you should read this book, you will absolutely love it!" and proceeded to tell him what it was about (he loves crime drama, mysteries, and anything pertaining to government conspiracy - which is, ahem, exactly what these books are about). He looked at me like I had just said "we should go shopping for high heels together!" and then said "Uhh...no thanks baby. I don't like books about girls." No, seriously!

 

Sometimes I think he feels that I am this childish, impulsive girl simply due to pre-conceived notions about females my age, which I think is insane considering how long we've been together. Often it feels like he doesn't even know me.

[Professor X]

Often it feels like he doesn't even know me.

 

Maybe he doesn't anymore. Consider what I've said and contemplate about it for a few days.

Try and relax while you do that so you will be able to have a clearer picture of things.

[its_jess]

Maybe he doesn't anymore. Consider what I've said and contemplate about it for a few days.

Try and relax while you do that so you will be able to have a clearer picture of things.

 

Thank you for your input. It's much appreciated.

[ASG]

Listening to "Kansas - Carry on my wayward son" right now =)

 

LOVE. IT!

 

Anyway, on topic:

 

I didn't date my ex for a very long time, but in the months we were together, there were a few things that drove us appart a bit.

 

He is not a very sociable person. If faced with a choice of going out or staying home, he will most likely stay home.

 

I only found this ot about a month after we started dating, though, cause when we met, we were working together on a show and if you work in showbusiness, going to the pub afterwards is a MUST (even if you don't drink, which he doesn't). But the show had a limited summer run and when it finished I got to know him better.

We booked a holiday together, in my home country, where he would meet my parents and go to a concert of some friend's of mine that were realeasing their 3rd album. He agreed to it, but asked me straight away if I was going to be very upset if he didn't enjoy himself, which ment he wasn't planning on it!

That week was a bit bitter sweet... He would spend his days in the house, sleeping, while I went to enjoy the sun, by the pool. I would go back for lunch and then he'd sleep again til around dinner time, when we'd go out.

We then went to dinner with my parents, which went nicely, and the concert, which he ended up enjoying greatly, and I thought, as everything had been going so well, that we could go meet another friend for a few drinks. He hated this and we had our first big fight.

 

Anyway, my point is, he would always shy away from social gatherings, specially with my friends - which I understood in a sense, cause a lot of my friends are from my country and we tend to speak or language, which, for someone who doesn't speak it, gets VERY annoying.

 

I just had to learn to deal with it. I would always invite him, but was always prepared for him to say no. We would go out for dinner and to the movies, but that was about it.

 

He sounds to me like someone who doesn't love social interactions and also has a naysayer attitude (to use welikeincrowds' mom's word).

 

You now need to think if those things are dealbreakers to you. You may try to nudge him to compromise, which might work, but he won't change overnight, if at all.

[SingVoice]

Yeah...it sounds like he doesn't have a whole lot of respect for you. And if you are unsatisfied...well...it will only get worse.

 

My last advice is to sit him down and say to him..."I am unsatisfied by our lack of going out. I am worried that if we cant compromise on this...I will start to resent you...and not want to be with you anymore."

 

If he still doesn't get it...well...you can stay and be unsatisfied....or you can find someone who is interested in similar things as you.

 

Is he just looking for someone to sit at home with? I mean...if so...you HAVE to be honest with yourself...that is NOT you.

[its_jess]

Yeah...it sounds like he doesn't have a whole lot of respect for you. And if you are unsatisfied...well...it will only get worse.

 

My last advice is to sit him down and say to him..."I am unsatisfied by our lack of going out. I am worried that if we cant compromise on this...I will start to resent you...and not want to be with you anymore."

 

If he still doesn't get it...well...you can stay and be unsatisfied....or you can find someone who is interested in similar things as you.

 

Is he just looking for someone to sit at home with? I mean...if so...you HAVE to be honest with yourself...that is NOT you.

 

I think this is what's going to have to happen. Although I have a feeling that even if he agrees to it, he will either not follow through or he will follow through begrudgingly.

[AstroZombie138]

It's quite possibly you have grown apart. It sounds like for 2 years you guys each fulfilled a certain need as you each worked on improving your stations in life. It's possible that dynamic has changed as 25 is still pretty young and there's more room to grow. He became comfortable with you as it was established early on in the relationship. With more freedom to do some of the things you want to do, you probably seem almost alien in the activites you request from him.

 

On a sort of related note, I'm single and 34 and while it's not a strict guideline, I think 25 would be a stretch for me to consider dating (although I'm kind of immature so who knows).

[Intricategirl]

I think this is what's going to have to happen. Although I have a feeling that even if he agrees to it, he will either not follow through or he will follow through begrudgingly.

 

Well, maybe. Or he migh figure out he enjoys doing stuff together. Or he might dislike it but it's worth it because it's important to you. And note: if he doesn't do it, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you enough. That just means you're on a different branch of the flowchart of possibilities.

 

I don't think the circumstances themselves something worth ending the relationship over. But the overall lack of satisfaction may be. If the options are between a little "nagging" to see if you can salvage the relationship, or giving up on it without ever knowing, I'd go with the nagging. And I use that word lightly, because I don't think it has to be done in a nagging way.

 

Keep in the back of your mind the possibility that you may have been right for each other then and aren't now. There's nothing wrong with that. But why not try and see if that's the case before completely calling it quits.

 

(And I agree with Singvoice that you had a very well-written post. "Here's my problem, here's what I've tried to do to solve it, here are my pros and cons, here are my objections to possible outcomes, can you give advice on this?")

[welikeincrowds]

I think this is what's going to have to happen. Although I have a feeling that even if he agrees to it, he will either not follow through or he will follow through begrudgingly.

 

You should let him know that you're afraid of exactly that. You should also give him a chance and some space even during the activity. Don't try to study his reactions too closely -- to see if he's enjoying himself, for example.

 

There's an excellent book about being unhappy called The Situation is Hopeless, But Not Serious. There's a section in it about the paradox of ordering someone to "be spontaneous". It is impossible to get someone to do something for you in the same way -- with the same meaning -- that they would had they been inspired to do it themselves. (He illustrates this idea with a few examples, one of them being The Collector.) There exists the propensity for both people to be stuck being unhappy, because the impossible is being asked.

 

Hence my grape story. I didn't have to like it and I wasn't asked to. If that's a requirement for you, then you cannot ask it of this man, as you cannot ask it of any person. But I did end up liking the grape. And trusting my mom! Granted, I was 3. I didn't mean to imply that you're dealing with a child, really

[welikeincrowds]

I think this is what's going to have to happen. Although I have a feeling that even if he agrees to it, he will either not follow through or he will follow through begrudgingly.

 

You should let him know that you're afraid of exactly that. You should also give him a chance and some space even during the activity. Don't try to study his reactions too closely -- to see if he's enjoying himself, for example.

 

There's an excellent book about being unhappy called The Situation is Hopeless, But Not Serious. There's a section in it about the paradox of ordering someone to "be spontaneous". It is impossible to get someone to do something for you in the same way -- with the same meaning -- that they would had they been inspired to do it themselves. (He illustrates this idea with a few examples, one of them being The Collector.) There exists the propensity for both people to be stuck being unhappy, because the impossible is being asked.

 

Hence my grape story. I didn't have to like it and I wasn't asked to. If that's a requirement for you, then you cannot ask it of this man, because you can't ask that of any person. But I did end up liking the grape. And trusting my mom! Granted, I was 3. I didn't mean to imply that you're dealing with a child, really

[Intricategirl]

Oh, and one other thing I wanted to add that piggybacks onto what Welikeincrowds said- you can't dictate another person's response. So, find a friend to go to the concert or go by yourself, and enjoy it. Have the kind of life you want to have, cause nothing about your situation is precluding it. Sure you want to go to a concert with him. What if that isn't an option? If you break up, it definitely won't be an option. But if you get out there and enjoy yourself, and you STILL find something is missing, then that's much more telling than simply not doing it with him.

 

When I'm in a relationship, I prefer doing activities with my significant other. I'd love to go to concerts, skydiving, taking cooking classes- whatever- with him. But if that's not an option, I'll be damned if I'm going to let that stop me. I don't ever want to use the words, "Well, I would have gone to the glass blowing class, but Bob wasn't in the mood, so we stayed home instead." Heck with that- I'm going to the glassblowing class, and he can miss out!

[its_jess]

Oh, and one other thing I wanted to add that piggybacks onto what Welikeincrowds said- you can't dictate another person's response. So, find a friend to go to the concert or go by yourself, and enjoy it. Have the kind of life you want to have, cause nothing about your situation is precluding it. Sure you want to go to a concert with him. What if that isn't an option? If you break up, it definitely won't be an option. But if you get out there and enjoy yourself, and you STILL find something is missing, then that's much more telling than simply not doing it with him.

 

When I'm in a relationship, I prefer doing activities with my significant other. I'd love to go to concerts, skydiving, taking cooking classes- whatever- with him. But if that's not an option, I'll be damned if I'm going to let that stop me. I don't ever want to use the words, "Well, I would have gone to the glass blowing class, but Bob wasn't in the mood, so we stayed home instead." Heck with that- I'm going to the glassblowing class, and he can miss out!

 

Oh, absolutely. Like I said I am going to the concert, and I do do the other things that I have interest in. It's just getting depressing there is nothing that we can enjoy doing together, even if I try to tap into his interests (like suggesting the hockey game).

 

ASG - yes, he does seem to have an aversion to "people" in general. But you'd be amazed - on the rare occasion that we are in a social situation together, he flourishes. He is so funny, charismatic, and easy to talk to. People always love him. My family fell in love with him instantly, as well as the few friends of mine that have met him. Which makes the whole thing even more confusing.