3 years together and realizing that we have nothing in common

[Sanman]

You know, when I first read this it seemed as if maybe he were an introvert and you were more of an extrovert. However, given the age difference you mentioned it seems as if this may be more of a life stage issue. At 34, he may be more of a homebody and be less excited about things that you are. While I am hardly old, I have spent time with women even 5 years younger (early 20's) and their exuberance to go to clubs and drink like crazy often means they are not a good match for me. It is appropriate for them to feel that way. However, I spent years experiencing this in NYC and much prefer a dive bar or gastropub with a good selection of beer to clubs at this age. Most of the women my age feel that way as well. While I don't feel that either of you are at fault, I do think the problem is going to get worse as he approaches 40 and start approaching 30. You will likely want to be out and explore with the new time and money while he may want to be much more settled. You can either find a way to remedy the situation (I have a female friend in this situation and I often go with her to these things as a friend since I am single and her husband is often working/tired.) or break up with him and search for someone who is more compatible with your interests.

[ASG]

Oh, absolutely. Like I said I am going to the concert, and I do do the other things that I have interest in. It's just getting depressing there is nothing that we can enjoy doing together, even if I try to tap into his interests (like suggesting the hockey game).

 

ASG - yes, he does seem to have an aversion to "people" in general. But you'd be amazed - on the rare occasion that we are in a social situation together, he flourishes. He is so funny, charismatic, and easy to talk to. People always love him. My family fell in love with him instantly, as well as the few friends of mine that have met him. Which makes the whole thing even more confusing.

 

Seriously? You're dating my ex! He is the ABSOLUTE life of the party. *When* he chooses to go out and socialise.

 

So you just need to figure out if being with someone like that is something you'll be comfortable with. And it's ok if it isn't. I would try to make him go out a bit more, but he won't want to go out spontaneously most of the time. And if not, yo need to go alone or with other friends.

Is that something you can see yourself doing, without holding it against him?

 

My ex would ask me if I would be very upset if he just went home than with me to some party. I would say "yes, but I'd be more upset if you were there being miserable because you want to go home". So we compromised.

 

He doesn't love you less because of it, and it's not necessarily grounds for breaking up... But it can be if you can't make that work for yourself.

 

So talk to him about it, try to reach a compromise. And then see how you do and feel.

 

This wasn't the reason my ex and I broke up, but it stacks up on the "why we didn't belong together" list, now that we have broken up and hindsight is our friend! (also, my ex is 35! so maybe it's an age thing? )

Edited May 2, 2011 by ASG

[its_jess]

You know, when I first read this it seemed as if maybe he were an introvert and you were more of an extrovert. However, given the age difference you mentioned it seems as if this may be more of a life stage issue. At 34, he may be more of a homebody and be less excited about things that you are. While I am hardly old, I have spent time with women even 5 years younger (early 20's) and their exuberance to go to clubs and drink like crazy often means they are not a good match for me. It is appropriate for them to feel that way. However, I spent years experiencing this in NYC and much prefer a dive bar or gastropub with a good selection of beer to clubs at this age. Most of the women my age feel that way as well. While I don't feel that either of you are at fault, I do think the problem is going to get worse as he approaches 40 and start approaching 30. You will likely want to be out and explore with the new time and money while he may want to be much more settled. You can either find a way to remedy the situation (I have a female friend in this situation and I often go with her to these things as a friend since I am single and her husband is often working/tired.) or break up with him and search for someone who is more compatible with your interests.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I have very little interest in clubbing and drinking myself silly. I'm actually quite happy that my boyfriend isn't in to that. I also would prefer a dive bar - just like the small brew pub I mentioned in my OP.

 

The things that I want to do, and the frequency with which I want to do them, seem (to me) like things that people of any age (perhaps with the exception of senior citizens) would like to do. I've even seen my parents go to baseball games, concerts, or pubs together on occasion, so I don't think it's as simple as being strictly age related.

 

I also should have mentioned that I have no desire to be doing things all the time - I would even settle for once a month. Going to a museum or the zoo on a weekend. Checking out a new local pub. Going to a hockey or baseball game. The last thing we did together that was not just grabbing dinner at one of our typical spots, or a family-related function, was a basketball game that we went to a year and a half ago. We got the tickets for free from a friend with season tickets so I talked him into going since, hey, they were free! I had a blast, he had an okay time but continuously complained about all the annoying people around us (screaming kids, drunk people, etc). Duh, it's a basketball game!

[Sanman]

Thanks for your input.

 

I have very little interest in clubbing and drinking myself silly. I'm actually quite happy that my boyfriend isn't in to that. I also would prefer a dive bar - just like the small brew pub I mentioned in my OP.

 

The things that I want to do, and the frequency with which I want to do them, seem (to me) like things that people of any age (perhaps with the exception of senior citizens) would like to do. I've even seen my parents go to baseball games, concerts, or pubs together on occasion, so I don't think it's as simple as being strictly age related.

 

I also should have mentioned that I have no desire to be doing things all the time - I would even settle for once a month. Going to a museum or the zoo on a weekend. Checking out a new local pub. Going to a hockey or baseball game. The last thing we did together that was not just grabbing dinner at one of our typical spots, or a family-related function, was a basketball game that we went to a year and a half ago. We got the tickets for free from a friend with season tickets so I talked him into going since, hey, they were free! I had a blast, he had an okay time but continuously complained about all the annoying people around us (screaming kids, drunk people, etc). Duh, it's a basketball game!

 

Hey there, not trying to suggest that you like to get trashed or going to clubs, just trying to make the issue more relevant as you and I are in about the same age category. My guess is that he is more of an introvert and as we age I believe many people tend to shift to a more introverted lifestyle relative to their youth. While, I used to go out very often when I was younger, I have settled into a pattern very similar to yours. Your BF sounds like a more introverted person (similar to some of my friends) who rarely go out for more than dinner anymore as they preferred to go out less even when we were younger. Remember, just because he is able to charm others when he is out does not mean that he enjoys charming them. One can be good at a skill they do not enjoy. I suspect you are more like your parents, which is why they prefer doing those things as well. At this age, I feel about clubs the way your bf feels about basketball games. While I still enjoy sporting events, I know those for whom a sporting event was part of their adventurous 20's and now they prefer to watch at home or at a local pub. The options are still those I listed above. Either find a way to compromise or look for someone more compatible.

[pandagirl]

I think the problem is that your boyfriend sounds... rather dismissive, factor into that that you already know he is the alpha and you are the beta, well - how you feel about a potential lifetime of your needs being swept under the rug?

 

Maybe that sounds harsh, but you were 21 and he was... 32 when you got together? For me, that's sort of a red flag. I'm 32, and most of my guy friends would not want to date someone that young, purely because there isn't that much in common -- different life stages.

[its_jess]

I think the problem is that your boyfriend sounds... rather dismissive, factor into that that you already know he is the alpha and you are the beta, well - how you feel about a potential lifetime of your needs being swept under the rug?

 

Maybe that sounds harsh, but you were 21 and he was... 32 when you got together? For me, that's sort of a red flag. I'm 32, and most of my guy friends would not want to date someone that young, purely because there isn't that much in common -- different life stages.

 

To be honest neither of us really knew how old the other was when we met. We were taking the same class at a university and we just clicked. I've always looked/acted a little older than my age, and he looks quite young. He thought I was closer to 25-26, and I thought the same of him.

 

As for the "swept under the rug" bit...yes...that's what I'm concerned about.

[OliveOyl]

Nine years age difference isn't that great especially if the guy is older.

 

And I really don't think age has much if anything to do with this! 34 is not so old to be a complete homebody and settling down especially if there are no kids around. I'm quite a bit older and love to get out. Not all the time, but 1-2 times a month. There are so many thing to do, they don't have to all involve loud crowds of people; it could be hiking in a nature park, or an art film, or, gosh...

 

To be honest this might end up being a deal-breaker if it happened to me. If you plan on settling down with this guy and starting a family... well it gets even worse... the whole "can't find a babysitter" excuse will come up and kill any social life at all.

Edited May 2, 2011 by OliveOyl

[Knittress]

Strange this should come up - I was just flipping through old photos, looking at ones of me and the ex and thinking, "Gee, I thought I was happy, but really in some sense it was the worst time of my life." Why? A few things - I had had a rough adolescence and was desperate for anyone to make me feel safe and cared for - which he did. For some reason this meant so much to me that I threw away much of what I LIKED about myself, just so I could fit into his narrow, boring little world. He had no friends, NONE. He worked, hung out with his parents, and raised his daughter on the weekends. And I followed him around. Being an introvert myself, I didn't mind at first - but I soon came to realize that I wasn't exploring the world or taking full advantage of my youth, I had stopped growing as a person, and this wasn't ok! When I started losing weight and going out with friends, and it made him insecure and resentful. The relationship went downhill pretty quickly.

 

All this time I've been angry about him being passive aggressive and a spineless backstabber, but maybe what I really ought to be irritated with is how idiotic it is that I'd ever consider diminishing myself just so I could stay comfortable with a boring lameass. Ok - my attempt at relevance... I think if you find that being with a person doesn't encourage you to grow as a person, to live your life go out and enjoy it to the fullest - and ESPECIALLY if they discourage it because they're selfishly insecure, it's definitely time to reconsider why the heck you're IN that relationship. Youth is the most valuable gift we'll ever have!

Edited May 3, 2011 by Knittress

[Nexus One]

I get the idea he loves you, but doesn't realize it would be better to solidify your relationship by doing things together with you in activities. I think he doesn't realize he could lose you this way and I think he doesn't fully realize what he has. It's easy to develop a crush on someone and develop love for a person when you're into them, but it's harder to lay the bricks for a solid foundation of a relationship. My guess is that he doesn't realize it's better for him to start laying some bricks. What you're asking him to do is outside of his rational framework. He doesn't grasp that that's important to you and hence to the relationship and hence to him(as he loves you and doesn't want to lose you).

[Flgirl44]

I had this same problem in a 4 year relationship. I graduated school and started noticing how little I had in common with my boyfriend. I wasn't sure if being so busy with school had masked it but there it was, staring me in the face. I'm very outdoorsy, like to read, learn new things....my bf not so much. I get really choked up reading what you are going through because of the similarities.

 

What is more troubling than not sharing interests is him not caring to indulge in your interests every now and again. It's really selfish. He also sounds like he may be depressed. I do think a portion of my exes behavior was due to some form of depression, he became kind of recluse in general, not just about my activities. No matter the reason behind it, it's still selfish behavior though....he's about his own comfort over your happiness if he neglects your interests completely. Talk to him about it!!

[its_jess]

Strange this should come up - I was just flipping through old photos, looking at ones of me and the ex and thinking, "Gee, I thought I was happy, but really in some sense it was the worst time of my life." Why? A few things - I had had a rough adolescence and was desperate for anyone to make me feel safe and cared for - which he did. For some reason this meant so much to me that I threw away much of what I LIKED about myself, just so I could fit into his narrow, boring little world. He had no friends, NONE. He worked, hung out with his parents, and raised his daughter on the weekends. And I followed him around. Being an introvert myself, I didn't mind at first - but I soon came to realize that I wasn't exploring the world or taking full advantage of my youth, I had stopped growing as a person, and this wasn't ok! When I started losing weight and going out with friends, and it made him insecure and resentful. The relationship went downhill pretty quickly.

 

All this time I've been angry about him being passive aggressive and a spineless backstabber, but maybe what I really ought to be irritated with is how idiotic it is that I'd ever consider diminishing myself just so I could stay comfortable with a boring lameass. Ok - my attempt at relevance... I think if you find that being with a person doesn't encourage you to grow as a person, to live your life go out and enjoy it to the fullest - and ESPECIALLY if they discourage it because they're selfishly insecure, it's definitely time to reconsider why the heck you're IN that relationship. Youth is the most valuable gift we'll ever have!

 

I guess a notable difference between our situations is that he doesn't get jealous/resentful if I go out with friends. However I completely agree with the bolded section and it's nice to hear I'm not alone in these concerns. :]

 

I get the idea he loves you, but doesn't realize it would be better to solidify your relationship by doing things together with you in activities. I think he doesn't realize he could lose you this way and I think he doesn't fully realize what he has. It's easy to develop a crush on someone and develop love for a person when you're into them, but it's harder to lay the bricks for a solid foundation of a relationship. My guess is that he doesn't realize it's better for him to start laying some bricks. What you're asking him to do is outside of his rational framework. He doesn't grasp that that's important to you and hence to the relationship and hence to him(as he loves you and doesn't want to lose you).

 

This was very well written and some excellent points. Thank you.

 

I had this same problem in a 4 year relationship. I graduated school and started noticing how little I had in common with my boyfriend. I wasn't sure if being so busy with school had masked it but there it was, staring me in the face. I'm very outdoorsy, like to read, learn new things....my bf not so much. I get really choked up reading what you are going through because of the similarities.

 

What is more troubling than not sharing interests is him not caring to indulge in your interests every now and again. It's really selfish. He also sounds like he may be depressed. I do think a portion of my exes behavior was due to some form of depression, he became kind of recluse in general, not just about my activities. No matter the reason behind it, it's still selfish behavior though....he's about his own comfort over your happiness if he neglects your interests completely. Talk to him about it!!

 

I am almost positive that he is depressed - I know that he has been on anti-depressants in the past (before I met him) but didn't like the way they made him feel.

 

Anyways, as an update, I did talk to him tonight. I sat down next to him on the couch, held his hand, and told him that I was concerned about a few things. Namely that we seem to have lost compatibility and I feel we don't do anything together that enriches us or shares our interests with each other. He was gobsmacked - even outraged - that I was bringing this up "yet again."

 

He asked me for examples of things I'd like to do together. I listed off a myriad of ideas: concerts, sports games, walking around downtown and checking out some of the pubs, enjoying local live music at small venues, sharing the occasional friday afternoon drink with friends, going to an art museum, going to the gym together.

 

He responded, in a hostile tone, "well I'm very sorry I don't love to do all the things you love to do." followed by gratuitous eye rolling and pouting.

 

His take is "there is so much good about our relationship and you are hung up on the fact that we don't go out together?!" While I see his point (we still connect very well on an emotional and sexual level), I feel like he totally missed mine. I almost feel that since his needs are being met (emotional - as I'm a very caring and supportive girlfriend, and sexual - as I love sex and we have sex every day when possible), he assumes that mine should be too. He concluded with "three years of a happy and harmonious relationship and you are considering ending it over this? I'm sorry but I can't help but find that silly." Then he just sat there for a while with an annoyed look on his face. I said "it isn't silly to me." At that point he stormed out of the room and went into the bedroom. I don't know what else to do. :[

Edited May 3, 2011 by its_jess

[welikeincrowds]

He concluded with "three years of a happy and harmonious relationship and you are considering ending it over this? I'm sorry but I can't help but find that silly." Then he just sat there for a while with an annoyed look on his face. I said "it isn't silly to me." At that point he stormed out of the room and went into the bedroom. I don't know what else to do. :[

 

 

I'm sorry :(

 

As predicted, he doesn't understand your need.

 

It's necessary that he knows that he doesn't need to. It's important to you that he do some things with you, that maybe he doesn't even like to do. That it is very important to you should be justification in itself.

 

Going by your description, which of course is only one side of the story, I must say that his reaction comes off spoiled and childish.

 

I'm surprised it was taken to the level of ultimatum. I'm also upset to hear that you apparently became a bad guy.

 

He appears to feel accused. This may or may not be relevant, but you should know that it will be impossible to persuade him as long as he feels that he must defend his decisions, behavior, or point of view.

[angielove]

I only read the original post - sorry I'm at work! I really want to say just this one thing...

 

Break up with him, cut all ties. Get him out of your life. HE IS HOLDING YOU BACK FROM BEING THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE.

 

Sorry for blunt/unkind words, am tired and in a bad mood.

[Nexus One]

He very much sees those activities from a rational standpoint and doesn't see the point of it, because he thinks he wouldn't enjoy the experience.

 

Example. Some time ago a friend of mine took me to a theater concert of Gocoo, a Japanese group that beats drums. Before going to the concert I didn't know what to think of it, but I went with him and was pleasantly surprised and the show was awesome.

 

Now here's what I mean. Take a look at this video of Gocoo and you'd perhaps think, meh, nothing special, couldn't watch that for two hours: http://bit.ly/duEgE

 

But when I was there, the sound of the drums was so loud and so deep that it made the air in the theater and in your lungs vibrate. You felt the drums beating inside your body and I felt almost like I got high from the air vibrating in my lungs! That experience was amazing. I never experienced anything like it before, it had a very raw pre-historic witchcraft atmosphere to it that just cannot be transferred over video or by talking about it. Hence the video doesn't transfer that kind of experience and people wouldn't think they'd actually enjoy such a performance. I ended up being genuinely thankful to my friend that he asked me to come along.

 

That being said I like concerts in theaters more than open air concerts because they're more intimate and you can get a better taste of the atmosphere that an artist wants you to experience.

 

Your boyfriend will not "get that" unless he himself experiences/realizes something like that. His rational framework hasn't integrated that the actual experience of certain activities can be quite joyful and fulfilling. It's one thing to imagine being somewhere or watching a video of it, but it's a completely different thing to actually experience it. But telling someone that is often futile, unless they themselves realize it by experiencing it.

 

I once had a ridiculous discussion with a friend about the taste of vegetables from different countries. I said to my friend: "Some time ago I had tomatoes from Eastern Europe and was surprised they tasted better than tomatoes from the supermarket. The difference in taste was quite big actually, as regular tomatoes hardly have any taste and pretty much taste like water. The ones from Eastern Europe had a very strong taste and were delicious." My friend wouldn't believe it, he said: "I don't believe you, tomatoes are tomatoes". And I would have agreed with him and not given any thought to it had I not tasted those tomatoes myself. Sometimes there is no convincing people, they just need to experience it themselves to really "get it".

 

And I know that sounds like a cliché, but it's a cliché for a reason.

 

And the point is not only experiencing the activity and enjoying it. The point is also experiencing it with YOU.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Nexus One

[PinkInTheLimo]

My boyfriend pretty much hates music. Not just my music (I have extremely broad tastes - pretty much anything with elements of rock, indie, electronica, dance, alternative, I like), but music in general. He can't even stand having the radio on in the car.

 

OK, you have to break up with him. Someone who loves music cannot have a relationship with someone who does not love music.

It just cannot work. It means that your personality build-up is totally different.

When I was younger, I was for 5 years in a relationship with someone who told me on the 2nd date that he did not care for music. I should have stopped right there.

I love music, all kind of music and my partner does not have to like everything I like (Underworld is one of my favourite bands for example, but that is techno and not everyone can appreciate techno) but there has to be music we both really like together (like for example classical music).

As a matter of fact, my best relationships have been with guys who actually made me discover new music.

 

No, if you love music, impossible to be together with someone who does not like music.

[Flgirl44]

Anyways, as an update, I did talk to him tonight. I sat down next to him on the couch, held his hand, and told him that I was concerned about a few things. Namely that we seem to have lost compatibility and I feel we don't do anything together that enriches us or shares our interests with each other. He was gobsmacked - even outraged - that I was bringing this up "yet again."

 

He asked me for examples of things I'd like to do together. I listed off a myriad of ideas: concerts, sports games, walking around downtown and checking out some of the pubs, enjoying local live music at small venues, sharing the occasional friday afternoon drink with friends, going to an art museum, going to the gym together.

 

He responded, in a hostile tone, "well I'm very sorry I don't love to do all the things you love to do." followed by gratuitous eye rolling and pouting.

 

His take is "there is so much good about our relationship and you are hung up on the fact that we don't go out together?!" While I see his point (we still connect very well on an emotional and sexual level), I feel like he totally missed mine. I almost feel that since his needs are being met (emotional - as I'm a very caring and supportive girlfriend, and sexual - as I love sex and we have sex every day when possible), he assumes that mine should be too. He concluded with "three years of a happy and harmonious relationship and you are considering ending it over this? I'm sorry but I can't help but find that silly." Then he just sat there for a while with an annoyed look on his face. I said "it isn't silly to me." At that point he stormed out of the room and went into the bedroom. I don't know what else to do. :[

 

So basically he said that, he's not changing to suit your needs because his are more important and already being met, therefore what's the problem? His inability to have some compassion and empathy is a little worrisome.

 

I had this exact same talk with my bf: "Listen, I really like tennis and golf and we have gone exactly 3 times in the past 4 years, now how many times have I gone skating with you? How many times have I dressed up to go to the bar so you can feel cool with a hot girl on your arm? (I don't really like going out) Just to give a little perspective, I like golf, he lives on a golf course, and we only went once in 4 years. People don't change sweetheart, and if this isn't something you can live with the rest of your life then you should leave. He hasn't even shown that he wants to do anything about it.

[PinkInTheLimo]

He concluded with "three years of a happy and harmonious relationship and you are considering ending it over this? I'm sorry but I can't help but find that silly."

 

Well, let's see how silly he finds it when you do actually end the relationship... Which I would do because it seems like he is not interested in what you need in this relationship. The relationship is no longer happy and harmonious because you are missing things and he does not want to hear about it.

 

I would end it. I know it is hard because you love him and there are other good things. But the lack of things you can share will impoverish your relationship. After the initial falling in love you need to nurture your relationship by new experiences apart and together. He is not interested in creating this.

 

You know, you are only 25 and you sound like a great girl, so I think you will find plenty of guys who want to be with you and a lot of them might be younger than 34 (I think 9 years is already a big age difference, especially for someone your age).

[Professor X]

Hey Jess, sorry to hear your conversation with him didn't go well.

 

I guess you see it as clearly as most of us here that he just doesn't care that much about your needs; He feels that your RS is great because his needs are being met and that's where it ends.

It's an extremely selfish way to look at things, don't you agree?

 

"there is so much good about our relationship and you are hung up on the fact that we don't go out together?!" While I see his point (we still connect very well on an emotional and sexual level)

 

You and I are different, while that's true, I can not understand the "sexual connection" argument, because the way I see it, if I have strong feeling towards someone, than I will have by default a strong sexual connection towards her - that's the point that sex becomes "making love".

If I were to have sex with a stranger it would be more similar to sports than anything else.

 

Regarding the emotional connection isn't it what you'd call love? I think it is, I fall in love with girls I get emotionally connected with; Than again, some people will argue about platonic RS, but I could never experience it, so.. I wouldn't know.

 

I think it's time you think about what's so great in your RS, but if it's one of the above things I've mention, than I can guarantee you that you will find them in your next RS; So those stuff should not hold you back.

[its_jess]

Thank you for the responses, it helps as I'm feeling quite low. We ended up continuing the conversation at quite a late hour, but didn't really get anywhere. He ended up crying, I was crying. Any time I bring up something like this I get so emotionally weak because I do love him, and I hate to see him hurting.

 

He said something along the lines of "you just want someone better. You're young and bright-eyed and think there is someone else out there who will be perfect. If you end this I think in 5 years you'll see it very differently and you'll realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to you, just like you're the best thing that ever happened to me."

 

So in short he's telling me that he thinks if we break up I will end up sad and alone. That makes me feel great.

 

In all this talk about my possibly ending our relationship not once did he concede to even trying to do some of the things that I mentioned (or I even asked him to suggest something) even once in a while. It seems like it's a non-issue to him. I even mentioned what many of you mentioned here; welikeincrowds' grape analogy. I asked him how he knows he doesn't like these things if he's A) never been, or B) never been with me? Sure he's been to a pub when he was single and it was loud and noisy and obnoxious. But might it be more fun to go with me, as we can talk and make jokes and people watch? Or a concert, he's never been! I told him how does he know he won't like it? He says "trust me. I just know."

 

I'm at a loss. We went to bed with nothing solved. I think I'm going to spend a few days at my parents' house to sort out my feelings.

[jane100]

Its and interesting thread and a sad thread in a way because you obviously do have feelings for him.

 

What stuck out for me - in original Post - was that if you are really into someone, then even if you are not particularly interested in some of their pursuits, you will go with them at least sometimes of find something you like to do together because you just like to be with them when they are out enjoying themselves.

 

Your "talk" didn't sound like it went to well - pouting and walking out .

 

So its your call. One thing, if you are still unsure, you could both take a break from this relationship for a while, perhaps that would bring some space for some further insight?He might also have to think about it which sounds like it wouldn't do him any harm ....

 

Oops just saw your further post above. Hope you resolve it ... it will take time.

Edited May 3, 2011 by jane100

[its_jess]

OK, you have to break up with him. Someone who loves music cannot have a relationship with someone who does not love music.

It just cannot work. It means that your personality build-up is totally different.

When I was younger, I was for 5 years in a relationship with someone who told me on the 2nd date that he did not care for music. I should have stopped right there.

I love music, all kind of music and my partner does not have to like everything I like (Underworld is one of my favourite bands for example, but that is techno and not everyone can appreciate techno) but there has to be music we both really like together (like for example classical music).

As a matter of fact, my best relationships have been with guys who actually made me discover new music.

 

No, if you love music, impossible to be together with someone who does not like music.

 

I know, it may seem crazy but this is one of the things that's grating on me the most. It's hard to explain why it matters so much. I majored in music in college, and have loved it since I was a little kid. It's actually quite hard for me to understand how someone couldn't love at least some music. My dad used to play music on our home stereo all the time when I was growing up. The Who, The Rolling Stones, Isley Brothers, Eric Clapton, you name it. My boyfriend said his parents never listened to music. I have no idea if that even means anything, but I thought it was interesting.

[Nexus One]

Thank you for the responses, it helps as I'm feeling quite low. We ended up continuing the conversation at quite a late hour, but didn't really get anywhere. He ended up crying, I was crying. Any time I bring up something like this I get so emotionally weak because I do love him, and I hate to see him hurting.

 

He said something along the lines of "you just want someone better. You're young and bright-eyed and think there is someone else out there who will be perfect. If you end this I think in 5 years you'll see it very differently and you'll realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to you, just like you're the best thing that ever happened to me."

 

Damn, I hope it works out for you guys. You seem to love each other. its_jess, are you sure this(activities) is a deal breaker for you or can you be happy with him the way it was?

[its_jess]

Hey Jess, sorry to hear your conversation with him didn't go well.

 

I guess you see it as clearly as most of us here that he just doesn't care that much about your needs; He feels that your RS is great because his needs are being met and that's where it ends.

It's an extremely selfish way to look at things, don't you agree?

 

"there is so much good about our relationship and you are hung up on the fact that we don't go out together?!" While I see his point (we still connect very well on an emotional and sexual level)

 

You and I are different, while that's true, I can not understand the "sexual connection" argument, because the way I see it, if I have strong feeling towards someone, than I will have by default a strong sexual connection towards her - that's the point that sex becomes "making love".

If I were to have sex with a stranger it would be more similar to sports than anything else.

 

Regarding the emotional connection isn't it what you'd call love? I think it is, I fall in love with girls I get emotionally connected with; Than again, some people will argue about platonic RS, but I could never experience it, so.. I wouldn't know.

 

I think it's time you think about what's so great in your RS, but if it's one of the above things I've mention, than I can guarantee you that you will find them in your next RS; So those stuff should not hold you back.

 

Actually I have been in relationships before with someone I was not sexually compatible with. Typically it meant they had a low sex drive or were extremely unadventurous (i.e. unwilling to do much foreplay, or try new positions).

 

As for the bolded section, yes, I agree. I'm trying to think of the positives other than having someone to come home to who loves me. He makes me laugh, and is supportive of me in my career and personal issues: he is always a good listener (except when it comes to this) and he genuinely loves me for me. I'm struggling with the idea of losing all of that. But I also think about the time I spend unhappy in our relationship - i.e. every time it's a lovely evening and we're sitting on the couch watching TV again because he doesn't feel like doing anything, or every time we get into my car and I have my music on and he quickly switches it off with an "ugh" remark, every time I end up at a party or get-together without him and am the only one without a SO.

[SingVoice]

Its_Jess- I am so sorry that your talk went that way. I hate to say it...but you sitting down calmly and lovingly asking to have your needs met was responded to with a "it's silly." That to me is a GIANT red flag. Your feelings are not silly...no matter what they are. You weren't being irrational...you weren't flying off the handle. Yet to him...your feelings are silly.

 

I think if you boil out all of the details...basically what he is saying is that "I'm not willing to try...so either accept that or its over." My question to you is...how is this someone that you could potentially have a life long relationship with? Anytime you express your needs you are "silly." And it sounds like he is absolutely unwilling to put any work into the relationship. That is a time bomb waiting to go off.

 

You say you are emotionally connected...but lets be honest. You aren't. You get emotional connection from experiencing things together...and you guys aren't. You might have been...but its gone.

 

I think you do need to take some time away. I'm not going to say "DUMP HIM" or whatever...but you need to think in the long term. You know that you will not be satisfied with things the way they are. And if he is depressed or a recluse...it will only get worse over time. If he doesn't want help for his depression...there is NOTHING that you can do to fix him. You might love him...you might want him to feel good about himself...but in the end...he has to WANT it. And it doesn't sound like he does.

 

The reality is that in 5 years...HE is going to be the one going..."Oh crap...maybe i should have just gone out with her when she asked."

 

So sorry for you.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I know, it may seem crazy but this is one of the things that's grating on me the most. It's hard to explain why it matters so much. I majored in music in college, and have loved it since I was a little kid. It's actually quite hard for me to understand how someone couldn't love at least some music. My dad used to play music on our home stereo all the time when I was growing up. The Who, The Rolling Stones, Isley Brothers, Eric Clapton, you name it. My boyfriend said his parents never listened to music. I have no idea if that even means anything, but I thought it was interesting.

 

There is nothing crazy about it.

In my case, my parents (who were just a bit too old to belong to the sixties generation) did not really consciously listen to music. I mean, they would listen to the radio and like a song or not but they would not go to concerts or buy records. But for some reason my mom decided to send the kids to music school (something she never got the chance to do). And together with that she bought some records: symphonies of van Beethoven, pianoconcerts by Listz, the Bolero, etc... Just by going to the record shop and saying "Hey, my kids go to music school, can you recommend me a record with violins or with piano" (so endearing... ). So we were taught to listen to music and for some reason, from a very young age music could really bring me in ecstasy. When I was 10, there was this song by 10cc called "I'm not in love with you". I loved that song so much, I was glued to the radio every time it was on. And since then, I can really go into raptures over music. If I I hear a good song in the metro station, I have trouble not to start dancing, if the choral starts singing at the William and Kate wedding I am in tears, etc... I remember the excitement of being able to tape music from the radio no a tape recorder because that meant I could decide myself when to play the songs I liked and play them 100 times (usually it was until the tape broke ).

 

For me, life would be so much more empty if there would be no music. It adds so much colour to the world. And if your partner cannot feel the same way about music, it seems to me that his world is a lot greyer than yours and that is so sad...

 

On top of it, you have majored in music, that makes it even worse. He cuts away the thing that is very important for you from your common life... Not good.

 

The good things you have with him, are normal things in a good relationship. Imagine that on top of that you can enjoy a beautiful concert together, or have a drink in a fancy bar on a Saturday night where they play some funky lounge music.