3 years together and realizing that we have nothing in common

[its_jess]

For me, life would be so much more empty if there would be no music. It adds so much colour to the world. And if your partner cannot feel the same way about music, it seems to me that his world is a lot greyer than yours and that is so sad...

 

You've phrased this so beautifully, and it's exactly how I feel. I feel like I want to live in colour and he wants to live in black & white.

[Professor X]

I think I'm going to spend a few days at my parents' house to sort out my feelings.

I think that's an excellent idea.

 

From everything you've written so far, it feels like he's preventing you from experiencing much of what life has got to offer.

Such a shame.

 

As if.. he puts you on a leash.

[OliveOyl]

or every time we get into my car and I have my music on and he quickly switches it off with an "ugh" remark, every time I end up at a party or get-together without him and am the only one without a SO.

I can't fathom "not liking music." I just don't get that. I get that there are types of music people don't like. But not liking music at all? Any type? Does. Not. Compute. That alone would be a deal-breaker for me. Music is my drug, my fuel. I love to share music with a loved one, lying back, holding hands, enjoying the tunes--makes me higher than any substance.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Music is my drug, my fuel. I love to share music with a loved one, lying back, holding hands, enjoying the tunes--makes me higher than any substance.

 

Who needs drugs or alcohol when you have music. Sometimes in the weekend I browse through my CDs, put on the headphones and listen, relisten to the songs I want to hear on that particular moment. I can get such a rush from it that I am no longer on this planet all the while drinking a cup of tea.

 

And in a new relationship I find the moment when he sees my CD collection and I his CD collection quite important. Because by showing what music you listen to, you show your soul to some extent.

[Professor X]

[reservoirdog1]

Jess, it's great that the two of you have a strong sexual and emotional connection.

 

But unfortunately, that's simply not enough to sustain a relationship over the long term. Two people in a relationship need have at least SOME similar interests. That's because participating in those interests together helps them bond and grow closer, in ways that sex alone won't accomplish.

 

A relationship simply isn't as strong if there's a lack of shared experiences. A lack of "hey, remember that time when we did ____", because that's immediately followed by "oh yeah, you weren't there, that was just me. Never mind." Try to imagine the next many years of your life spent like that, where the only memories the two of you build together happen in the bedroom.

 

I don't know if a relationship in which one person likes music and the other doesn't is inevitably doomed, but it sure wouldn't work for me.

 

It's not encouraging that you sat him down and tried to talk to him about the problem but he became pissy and petulant. That doesn't bode well at all.

 

One thing you might try, if you haven't already, would be to ask him what activities HE'D like to participate in, and have you join him in. If he can't come up with anything you two don't already do, then that's a huge warning sign. It suggests that change, if it's possible at all, isn't going to come from him.

 

Of course, you don't want him to start doing things with you that he hates, because he'll participate but be miserable. The key isn't doing things together, it's ENJOYING doing things together.

 

It may just be that you and he are not compatible long term. That sucks, but it may just be true. That's nobody's fault; it's just the way it is sometimes.

 

I wish you the very best.

[welikeincrowds]

welikeincrowds' grape analogy

Oh my god, you repeated my grape story!!!! :lmao:

 

I can't believe it, lil' 3 year old welikeincrowds, coming through in a time of need.

 

He said something along the lines of "you just want someone better. You're young and bright-eyed and think there is someone else out there who will be perfect. If you end this I think in 5 years you'll see it very differently and you'll realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to you, just like you're the best thing that ever happened to me."

 

OK, and here is his insecurity.

 

I am going to disagree with the general slant you're getting from here. I still don't see this as something to break up over at present, and I don't see this guy as fundamentally incompatible to you, a spoiled baby, a bad boyfriend, etc.

 

I am critical of the behavior he has demonstrated, yes. But it seems to be coming from a deep place.

 

What you are actually processing here is, apparently, quite dense, and will take a little effort and dedication from both of you to sort out, and that's not a bad thing in itself. You may find that these are irreconcilable differences, but I am not yet convinced that this is the case.

 

I don't believe he is actually being stubborn, unwilling, or not supportive. I think -- my opinion -- that he is afraid that he is unable to understand you and intuit your need, and is thus afraid that this will lead to a loss of this relationship he values.

 

Of course, he doesn't need to understand. This is why it is said that the problem always comes down to communication. It's also why it's troubling that he was not willing to listen to you/accept what you are saying, but again, I am not yet convinced that he never will, or is unwilling to.

 

I feel like I want to live in colour and he wants to live in black & white.

I can't understand not enjoying music either, I mean that's craziness to me personally, but at the same time, how wonderful is that? His perspective is very distinct from yours and for that reason is potentially very valuable. You know you are compatible on some other fundamental levels; your new challenge is to accommodate for this recent difference. Hopefully you both can move past it and find a workable solution.

 

Color and Black & White are still both colors. We are all human after all.

[welikeincrowds]

I will say that I am a little put off the general attitude he seems to keep repeating about the validity of your position as it relates to your life experience. That's pretty unfair. There's an age authority slant that comes off to me as slightly condescending, especially because he's only in his early 30's, the prick.

 

Hopefully that's just an error or a bias coming out in the retelling and it's not really being expressed by him.

[NoMagicBullet]

I totally agree with this:

 

A relationship simply isn't as strong if there's a lack of shared experiences. A lack of "hey, remember that time when we did ____", because that's immediately followed by "oh yeah, you weren't there, that was just me. Never mind." Try to imagine the next many years of your life spent like that, where the only memories the two of you build together happen in the bedroom.

 

Shared experiences are an important part of all close relationships, not just significant others. No, you don't have to share everything, but you clearly understand that sharing just a few things would make a huge difference in your relationship with your BF; it's a pity that he doesn't understand that as well. Over time, having to always go do things without him will eat away you. Actually, it already is.

 

But like others have said, you maturely went about trying to discuss an issue and his reaction was incredibly immature, to say the least. That's a problem by itself, and you won't be able to make this relationship last if this is how he reacts. In reading your update, I was hoping he was interested in trying to compromise by asking you for examples of what you'd like to do together, but he just used it as an angry retort. You're trying... you really are... but when he won't even listen to you and consider the possibility of compromise? Bad sign for the long term.

[its_jess]

 

<3

 

Jess, it's great that the two of you have a strong sexual and emotional connection.

 

But unfortunately, that's simply not enough to sustain a relationship over the long term. Two people in a relationship need have at least SOME similar interests. That's because participating in those interests together helps them bond and grow closer, in ways that sex alone won't accomplish.

 

A relationship simply isn't as strong if there's a lack of shared experiences. A lack of "hey, remember that time when we did ____", because that's immediately followed by "oh yeah, you weren't there, that was just me. Never mind." Try to imagine the next many years of your life spent like that, where the only memories the two of you build together happen in the bedroom.

 

I don't know if a relationship in which one person likes music and the other doesn't is inevitably doomed, but it sure wouldn't work for me.

 

It's not encouraging that you sat him down and tried to talk to him about the problem but he became pissy and petulant. That doesn't bode well at all.

 

One thing you might try, if you haven't already, would be to ask him what activities HE'D like to participate in, and have you join him in. If he can't come up with anything you two don't already do, then that's a huge warning sign. It suggests that change, if it's possible at all, isn't going to come from him.

 

Of course, you don't want him to start doing things with you that he hates, because he'll participate but be miserable. The key isn't doing things together, it's ENJOYING doing things together.

 

It may just be that you and he are not compatible long term. That sucks, but it may just be true. That's nobody's fault; it's just the way it is sometimes.

 

I wish you the very best.

 

That's the catch-22 of it all...even if he were to start doing these things with me now (which he won't), I know he would just be doing them to save our relationship and that he'd be miserable.

 

Thanks so much for your input.

 

Oh my god, you repeated my grape story!!!! :lmao:

 

I can't believe it, lil' 3 year old welikeincrowds, coming through in a time of need.

 

 

 

OK, and here is his insecurity.

 

I am going to disagree with the general slant you're getting from here. I still don't see this as something to break up over at present, and I don't see this guy as fundamentally incompatible to you, a spoiled baby, a bad boyfriend, etc.

 

I am critical of the behavior he has demonstrated, yes. But it seems to be coming from a deep place.

 

What you are actually processing here is, apparently, quite dense, and will take a little effort and dedication from both of you to sort out, and that's not a bad thing in itself. You may find that these are irreconcilable differences, but I am not yet convinced that this is the case.

 

I don't believe he is actually being stubborn, unwilling, or not supportive. I think -- my opinion -- that he is afraid that he is unable to understand you and intuit your need, and is thus afraid that this will lead to a loss of this relationship he values.

 

Of course, he doesn't need to understand. This is why it is said that the problem always comes down to communication. It's also why it's troubling that he was not willing to listen to you/accept what you are saying, but again, I am not yet convinced that he never will, or is unwilling to.

 

I can't understand not enjoying music either, I mean that's craziness to me personally, but at the same time, how wonderful is that? His perspective is very distinct from yours and for that reason is potentially very valuable. You know you are compatible on some other fundamental levels; your new challenge is to accommodate for this recent difference. Hopefully you both can move past it and find a workable solution.

 

Color and Black & White are still both colors. We are all human after all.

 

Haha, well I didn't necessarily directly quote you, but I used an analogy similar to yours. Thanks for all your input in this thread, it's truly appreciated. As for working past it...I'm trying...but I do feel like my feelings were completely brushed off after our discussion and that we're back at square one.

 

I totally agree with this:

 

 

 

Shared experiences are an important part of all close relationships, not just significant others. No, you don't have to share everything, but you clearly understand that sharing just a few things would make a huge difference in your relationship with your BF; it's a pity that he doesn't understand that as well. Over time, having to always go do things without him will eat away you. Actually, it already is.

 

But like others have said, you maturely went about trying to discuss an issue and his reaction was incredibly immature, to say the least. That's a problem by itself, and you won't be able to make this relationship last if this is how he reacts. In reading your update, I was hoping he was interested in trying to compromise by asking you for examples of what you'd like to do together, but he just used it as an angry retort. You're trying... you really are... but when he won't even listen to you and consider the possibility of compromise? Bad sign for the long term.

 

I know.