10 Truths You Need To Accept About Breaking Up

[Fufu]

I am really impressed by Natalie's entry from www.baggagereclaim.com on relationships and personal well-being.

 

Here's another entry I have picked up that I believe this can help many of us to see the break ups in a different perspective.

 

In this entry, Natalie speaks about Women in relationships, however I believe this entry applies to both females and males.

 

10 Truths You Need to Accept About Breaking Up

 

1. Break-ups hurt

 

Take it as a given that you are going to experience some pain. Depending on the length of the relationship, it will at the least be short-term, if not medium-term pain and whilst we all have our different timelines, you’ll know that you’re not dealing with the break-up and the hurt if it becomes a long-term thing. Break-ups are not supposed to be pleasant or easy, yet we often behave like we expect them to be. Most women that I come across through this blog that are struggling with breaking up and letting go, can’t cope with the initial painful feelings, which trigger kneejerk responses where they think it’s a sign that you need to get back together. Which brings me nicely to…

 

 

2. Break-ups hurt because they represent loss and change; hurt isn’t necessarily a sign that you should get back together.

When you’re in a relationship, even if it has serious issues, depending on your mindset, that person or being in your fragile relationship represents hope, companionship, and plans, even if they are mostly your own projections. When you break-up, suddenly white space seems to appear where you had plans or angst and all of a sudden, you’re uno instead of being part of a duo. Some of us don’t like change either which means that when you break up, you may be ill-equipped to cope with the difference in your life, and may not be able to see the positives, or remember why you left, or why it wasn’t working. This is when we start thinking ‘This is so painful; it must mean we are destined to be together’. The problem is that making a direct correlation between the pain you experience and your feelings for someone is misleading. Often women in the ****tiest of relationships do this but pain..is not love. It’s pain.

 

 

3. Don’t break up to make up. Break up to break up.

 

Some people break up with their partner because they think it will galvanise them into action. Don’t fall into this trap. Not only is it manipulation and game playing but it is likely to backfire, and do it often enough or threaten it, and your input into the relationship will carry very little weight. On the flipside, others break up, but put themselves on hold in the hope that their absence from their ‘loved ones’ loves will suddenly make them see that they are ‘the one’. The trouble is that one of you is getting on with your lives and the other one has come to a standstill living in limbo. Can you guess which one you would be? The reality is that when you break up, you best be serious and with the right intentions, and you need to live your life as if your relationship is O.V.E.R. If anything is going to happen, trust me, your future relationship will benefit from the fact that you didn’t sit around pining, throwing your life away whilst he lived his life to the fullest. As many women discover when they stake themselves on a man, you could be in for an eternal wait.

 

 

3. Don’t break up to make up. Break up to break up.

 

Some people break up with their partner because they think it will galvanise them into action. Don’t fall into this trap. Not only is it manipulation and game playing but it is likely to backfire, and do it often enough or threaten it, and your input into the relationship will carry very little weight. On the flipside, others break up, but put themselves on hold in the hope that their absence from their ‘loved ones’ loves will suddenly make them see that they are ‘the one’. The trouble is that one of you is getting on with your lives and the other one has come to a standstill living in limbo. Can you guess which one you would be? The reality is that when you break up, you best be serious and with the right intentions, and you need to live your life as if your relationship is O.V.E.R. If anything is going to happen, trust me, your future relationship will benefit from the fact that you didn’t sit around pining, throwing your life away whilst he lived his life to the fullest. As many women discover when they stake themselves on a man, you could be in for an eternal wait.

 

 

4. That getting back in the saddle stuff is crap – Have a break from dating

 

Whilst some people have hides of rhinos, in truth, most people struggle to date immediately after their relationship has ended. For a start, you need to have healed and let go of your previous relationship – instead, dating straight after a break-up is like turning up on your dates with 30kg plus of luggage. Not attractive and it’s actually unfair on the other party, especially if they are looking to forge relationships. And whilst you may think you’re being clever by dating or shagging around with men who aren’t looking for a relationship, you are likely to pick up some bad relationship habits, become emotionally unavailable, and end up in a poor relationship.

 

 

5. You can’t be friends…at least not for now

 

You probably want to be friends because you’re secretly holding out hope. If it’s him that’s proposing friendship and there was anything remotely dubious about your relationship, he is offering the friend card because:

 

1) Men don’t like to look like assclowns…even when they are…

2) So he can poke around in your life and stop you from moving on…even though he can’t give you what you want and he’s moving on.

3) So he can hit you up for a shag/money/ego stroke as and when he needs it.

 

Probably something you’ll struggle to admit, but if you dig a bit deep, you’re likely to discover that you have no reason to believe that you have the makings of a great friendship. I am yet to find even one ex in my past who is friendship material. If you were friends first (and I don’t mean friends for a week or for a few months whilst he tried to hit you up for sex whilst pretending to be your friend), but real friends, then yeah, you probably can be friends…in 6 months or a year. You can’t go from being in a relationship to friendship without complication. Pushing for friendship after breaking up will at times to certain types of men (read: assclowns) reek of desperation and neediness. My advice – get a real friend – one you haven’t exchanged bodily fluids and a complicated relationship with. If you really, really, REALLY have to be friends, hold off for a while, get on with your life, and revisit your idea about this in 3, 6, or 12 months time, but immediate friendship – don’t bother.

 

Link: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-truths-you-need-to-accept-about-breaking-up-part-1/

 

I think no.5 provides a good explanation to many dumpees that are in dilemma whether they should be friends with their exes.

[Fufu]

Continue.....

 

6. You are never going to get all of the answers

 

This is a female desire more so than a male one but we want an explanation as if expecting that this will satisfy us or even make us feel better and give us closure. Here’s a reality check – no matter what they tell you, you never get all of the answers, you often end up with more questions, and you don’t get closure from him – you give yourself closure – I’ll come back to this later. So our need to discuss and evaluate and ask more, and analyse, and often end up blaming ourselves, is called Prolonging the Agony and Holding On. Will it satisfy you to know whether he enjoyed having sex with the woman behind your back? If he says “I slept with her because you neglected me” will you believe him, or is it likely that you’re just going to question it more? What if you’re greeted with silence? Are you going to tie him to a chair, shine a torch in his face, and torture him until he says something that is in line with your expectations. Trust me, they never say what you expect, and often, they don’t really know why.

 

 

7. You can’t move on if you don’t let go

 

If many of your post break up actions involve engaging with your ex, they are all Strategies To Hold On Tight. Modern society has a lot to answer for because somewhere along the way, men and women have been trained to engage in BS behaviour that burns up energy that would be better spent elsewhere. Between texting, emails, and instant messaging being the death of actual communication, the tools of the assclown, and a seemingly easy way to maintain contact after you break up, and women everywhere obsessed with making silk purses out of pig ears in mistaken efforts at working at non-existent relationships, you’ve got a whole lotta people that don’t want to let go. Here’s the reality – texts/emails/IM are lazy communications that whilst they don’t require a lot of effort, they do often cause women to spend lots of time interpreting. On the flipside, if you send a text/email/IM in an effort to play nice, it’s just another way of keeping contact when really, the relationship umbilical cord should be cut. Nobody’s calling to see how you are; they’re calling to check that you haven’t moved on. You’re not calling to say hi; you’re just making sure that he’s home and not out shagging a new girl. Like I said yesterday, if you’re meant to be friends, revisit the idea in 3,6, or 12 months time and in the meantime, stop engaging and feeding the break up monster.

 

 

8. Your mutual friendships will be tested

 

One of the things you are likely to do if you share friends is cling harder to those friendships because they keep a line of communication between you both and allow you to hear information about him. A side effect may be that you feel compelled to be ‘friends’ with your ex. Sorry, no can do. Your friends don’t determine how you break up and it’s not about making your friends comfortable. Harsh, but true. You’re busy fannying around trying to play nice for him and your friends, what about you? What about those friends who stir things between you both? What about hearing info that you didn’t ask to hear? Set some ground rules from the outset – tell your friends not to pass information to you, don’t overshare, and do prepare yourself for the possibility that some friendships won’t survive. You tend to find out who your friends are in these situations unfortunately…

 

 

9. You don’t need him for closure

 

Closure happens when you become at peace with you and love yourself, in spite of the fact, that sometimes, things, especially relationships, don’t go according to plan. As I said earlier, you’ll never get all the answers, but actually, even if you got them all, closure could still elude you. Often the healing process, dealing with any outstanding issues that may be impacting on your relationships, and ensuring that you have a healthy level of self-esteem, take care of the closure for you. You don’t wake up one day and go “Ooh, I have closure” and instead, you’re enjoying your life and living and suddenly realise that you are no longer emotionally invested in a positive or negative way, and that whatever happened, it no longer matters. It’s never the things that you think will give you closure that do it for you; it’s the unexpected. When I found out my ex had been cheating about a year after we broke up, after the initial surge of annoyance (more so at being played), I actually howled with laughter and let out a big sigh of relief. It was just proof that I was right to get on with my life. And that he was an assclown.

 

 

10. You are in control of how long it takes for you to get over him

 

However long it takes for you to get over him, you are the person who is in the driving seat of your misery and how much your life halts…or moves on… Don’t get things twisted – it is not him who is stopping you from moving on – it’s you engaging with him and allowing him to mess with your mind and your life. At some point, if your life post break-up still has him (and your angst) taking centre stage, at some point, YOU have to opt out. You don’t need to explain, you don’t need to worry about what he will think; just do it. Cut contact, cut the cord, and start getting your life back together because keeping him in it, even though you aren’t together, is like signing over yourself to limbo land and will wreck your prospects of future relationships.

 

Link: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-truths-you-need-to-accept-about-breaking-up-part-2/

 

I fully agree with we don't need our exes for closure, they are not going to give us that. We get true closure from ourselves. And for answers why they break up with us, we will never understand them fully and it is no longer a big matter to know.

[TazoCoffee]

Thanks for sharing!! i think the one i couldnt deal with is #6

6. You are never going to get all of the answers

 

What i couldn't understand after the breakup was "WHY, why why!! ". he told me his reasons but it didn't make sense so i kept questioning him. Then for a whole month (was in the stage Prolonging the Agony and Holding On), i thought about it, trying to come up with answers... but i still don't have any (then ended up in point 1, where i started). i started to feel guilty and put myself to blame and i guess i over thought the breakup. i did finally come into conclusion that no matter what they will tell me, i will never know anything... it took me a while to get here where i am now...

[betterdeal]

If only there was a list for men too.

 

It would be the same list, 'cept with the emphasis on her not him.

[coltsfan1]

one of my favorite posts

[wish it was a dream]

Thank you so much for this!

[Fufu]

If only there was a list for men too.

 

It would be the same list, 'cept with the emphasis on her not him.

 

hehe, I believe this applies to both men and women

[Fufu]

Thanks for sharing!! i think the one i couldnt deal with is #6

6. You are never going to get all of the answers

 

What i couldn't understand after the breakup was "WHY, why why!! ". he told me his reasons but it didn't make sense so i kept questioning him. Then for a whole month (was in the stage Prolonging the Agony and Holding On), i thought about it, trying to come up with answers... but i still don't have any (then ended up in point 1, where i started). i started to feel guilty and put myself to blame and i guess i over thought the breakup. i did finally come into conclusion that no matter what they will tell me, i will never know anything... it took me a while to get here where i am now...

 

It happened to me as well. I will just never understand fully why he broke up with me too. Though that's no longer a big matter anymore.