Mom emotionally blackmails me

[dongkong]

Well hello all, im a new member.

I found this forum by typing in "Emotional blackmail" in google and the thread that came up seemed like my life story lol. Im a 25 year old male and iv been going through an extremly hard time becuase of my moms emotional blackmail. Start out with my childhood, i use to think my mom was the best mom a person could have. She was loving, caring and just the best all around mom. But as i started to grow up and became a teen her behavior started to change. She became more controlling, but unlike most teens i actually gave into her controll, i guess my mom knew how to get me to do what she wanted. When i got into my 20s her emotional blackmail really kicked into gear. The girls i went out with, she was extremly critical of. She would find unattractive and wierd girls and tell me to go out with them and not with the girls i liked. Eventually i started to basically shy away from girls and relationships all together. I just didnt want to deal with the negativity, the guilt trips and all the BS. During that time i also started to feel like a loser and started to think "why would anyone want to be in a relationshp with me". My self worth was just hitting bottom and my mom was pretty satisfied becuase now " i wasnt dating girls she didnt approve off".

Anyways, i started to research online why i felt so crappy and worthless. I found some information on emotional blackmail and that was my mother game to a "T". Now coming to the realization that my mother has been using this agaisnt me all my life. Iv lost that feeling of "oh my moms the best mom in the world" i once had as a child. Part of it makes me very sad becuase at the end of the day, i do love my mom. But, seemingly she only love me back aslong as i do what she wants. THe min i do what i want, im a horrible human being who dosnt listen to his parents. More recently she meet this girl and wanted to set me up with this girl. i didnt like the girl, but to please my mom, i went out with her once. But that one date confirmed that this was not the girl for me and i didnt like her. This was a few months ago and becuase i didnt call this girl or anything after the first date, i thought that was the end of it. But yesterday, i found out that my mom has been leading this girl on, even though i said no. My mom has been telling this girl that i actually like her and want to go out with her again. I was furious about this when i found out and when i asked me mom about it. She told me that, she thinks that the girl is the perfect girl for me and that i should go out with the girl again. When i told my mom that she was being crazy, she went back to the emotional blackmail. Since yesterday, she was stopped talking to me, stopped eating, threatened not to take her meds and of course the classic "im your mother, i only think of the best for you". Moving forward, when i tried to tell my mom about her behavior and emotional blackmail. She acted like its a normal thing and when i tried to explain "its not". She just didnt care and didnt want to talk to me anymore. I want to have a good healthy relationship with my mom, but her emotional blackmail is making that impossible. I want her to get help for this, but how do you convince someone who thinks "its normal" that its actually "not normal" behavior?

I just absolutly dont know what to do. My mind just feels torn in so many directions becuase her emotional blackmail actually works on me. When she does these things, i feel terrible and often give in. No matter what i say to her, she knows how to turn it around on me and make me feel like crap. But whats worse is that she thinks shes actually doing me a favor by trying to play the puppet master with me. In her mind she is doing what is best for me by getting me to go with her life plans for me. Anyways thanks for listening or reading.

Edited May 2, 2011 by dongkong

[dongkong]

Thanks for your reply. I do feel that this is the final straw, i talked to my brother and my dad about it. They both agree that she needs some help and that if she is not willing to change then, im not gonna keep suffering to make her happy. Its tough tough becuase years of controll keeps telling me "your making the people who love you sad". That just makes me feel worse. Its like the choice between feeling like crap no matter what i do. If i give in to her demands (ill feel like crap cuase im not happy) and if i dont give into her demands (ill feel like crap cuase she isnt happy).

[Mauschen]

Wow. My ex-Husband's mother was an emotional blackmailer (and still is). She did the self-starving and not taking meds act too, and it is so destructive. Believe me, any woman you date or marry will think that kind of behavior is insane (it is). If my ex-husband didn't ruin our marriage himself by cheating on me, his mother would have ruined our marriage anyway. She used to call me to ask what I had fed her son for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and if it didn't fit her idea of perfection, I would have to listen to her tell me what a horrible wife I was to her son. Then when we had children, she would give me all sorts of weird advice and if I refused to follow it, she told me I was the worst mother in the world and that "dogs make better mothers than you do." It was a living nightmare. Now that we are divorced, his mother still calls me (ugh), but it is mostly to complain about my ex's new wife. She won't allow his new wife to enter her house because she is an "uneducated whore." So my ex visits his mother without his wife and his mother tries to invite me over at the same time to try to get us to reconcile (which will never happen).

 

I applaud you for putting an end to her abuse (it is abuse) because you will never be able to live a normal life if you allow her to control your every move. Your future wife will thank you. And if you do allow your mother to control you in the future, I would keep in mind that it could severely affect any relationship you choose to have. If you keep in close contact with your mom, you will have to make sure you put up boundaries and always protect yourself (and your future wife) from her abuse. I recall being at my ex-mother-in-law's house and she decided to feed everyone except me. So she set out plates and food for 3 (herself, her husband, and my ex-husband) and they all ate without me. My ex-husband should have noticed, taken me by the hand, and left with me, but he didn't. I felt so awful that day because of her and also because my ex did not respect me as his wife.

[Tayla]

Going out on a ledge here and have to say : Its absolutely normal from your moms perspective. Just likes its "NORMAL" for a kleptomaniac to pick things up and horde them. ITs part of that illness's behavior, so lets get that clear that from her stance its "normal".

 

What is "normal" for you , as an adult son is to indeed identify ( which you have) , that her behavior and desires are not setting well with YOUR goals. You must indeed separate yourself and grow wings to move on. Parents have an odd way of eventually coming to terms with the childrens desires to go their own way. You are NOT responsible for anyones happiness or sorrow, you are as an adult to be regardful of their thoughts and feelings. Basically be considerate, which is something your mom seems to lack there of.

My best to you that you can attain stability without her interceding.

[dongkong]

Wow. My ex-Husband's mother was an emotional blackmailer (and still is). She did the self-starving and not taking meds act too, and it is so destructive. Believe me, any woman you date or marry will think that kind of behavior is insane (it is). If my ex-husband didn't ruin our marriage himself by cheating on me, his mother would have ruined our marriage anyway. She used to call me to ask what I had fed her son for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and if it didn't fit her idea of perfection, I would have to listen to her tell me what a horrible wife I was to her son. Then when we had children, she would give me all sorts of weird advice and if I refused to follow it, she told me I was the worst mother in the world and that "dogs make better mothers than you do." It was a living nightmare. Now that we are divorced, his mother still calls me (ugh), but it is mostly to complain about my ex's new wife. She won't allow his new wife to enter her house because she is an "uneducated whore." So my ex visits his mother without his wife and his mother tries to invite me over at the same time to try to get us to reconcile (which will never happen).

 

I applaud you for putting an end to her abuse (it is abuse) because you will never be able to live a normal life if you allow her to control your every move. Your future wife will thank you. And if you do allow your mother to control you in the future, I would keep in mind that it could severely affect any relationship you choose to have. If you keep in close contact with your mom, you will have to make sure you put up boundaries and always protect yourself (and your future wife) from her abuse. I recall being at my ex-mother-in-law's house and she decided to feed everyone except me. So she set out plates and food for 3 (herself, her husband, and my ex-husband) and they all ate without me. My ex-husband should have noticed, taken me by the hand, and left with me, but he didn't. I felt so awful that day because of her and also because my ex did not respect me as his wife.

Absolutly, as i said to my brother yesterday "i dont wanna be that guy. 40 years old divorced and complaining about how my mother messed up my whole life". Your ex mother in law does sound like my mom. She did this thing with my brother also. She didnt like his gf (surprise surprise) but when my brother broke up with his gf and got a new gf. She didnt like his new gf either and then kept trying to get him back with his old gf.

 

I know my mom had a rough upbringing. Her family was emotionally and physically abusive towards her and eventually abandoned her. Now i feel she does to me and my brother what her family did to her (not the physical abuse part) but the emotional abuse. Part of me feel really bad for her, but like i said, i dont wanna be the 40 year old thinking "i wish i took controll when i was 25".

Thanks for your input.