Being Married: Having a kid we've grown apart..

[StreetDog]

grown apart in the sense that, we've just become two people that

are dedicated to taking care of and raising this beautiful child. We are

no longer a Couple In Love so much.....we're just friends that live

together and raise our child. No real kissing anymore, no sex (in fact

it's been almost 4 months and it was because it was our 5 year wedding

anniversary) and just no real loving affection.

 

Sure we say we love each other but I think that's just because that's

just what you say in a marriage. We obviously care about each other...

but on her side she doesn't really touch me or worry about really letting

me know that she loves me or that she appreciates me. In my corner,

i've kinda stopped trying to hold her hand or rub her shoulders/feet like

I always, always used to and i've just stopped initiating sex because,

well, it just doesn't feel right to have to schedule it or ask for it when

it doesn't feel like we're the same couple we once were.

 

We've gotten caught up in the child raising routine. i'm at work way too

much so i can give her freedom to stay home with baby and she (to me)

seems like it's ok if i'm gone. We seem to bicker more and more about silly

little things. We have respect for each other enough that it never gets

to insults or yelling and screaming but more and more bickering than ever

before....about the silliest stuff.

 

She's VERY much into Baby and i like that. She's super attentive mama.

Granted, she does make my lunch for me sometimes (i never ask her to or

expect it, ever) and looks out for me here and there to make sure i'm eating

right because i work such crazy hours these days to provide...

 

But things are definitely way different than they used to be.

[OldOnTheInside]

It is normal for the "fire" in a marriage to die down after a while. Now what the both of you have to do is reignite it.

 

How seriously have you spoken to her about this?

How long are your work hours and how much free time (specifically) do you have to dedicate to her?

Do you have friends or family to babysit for your child?

Have you both considered MC or IC?

How set are you financially?

Do you think you could make time for a dinner date?

When you were dating her, was there anywhere "special" that you used to take her?

What are hobbies and interests that you are both interested in?

 

We need a bit more information buddy.

[StreetDog]

It is normal for the "fire" in a marriage to die down after a while. Now what the both of you have to do is reignite it.

 

...

 

 

We need a bit more information buddy.

 

I work normal 8-5 weekdays and on the weekends various hours at

another place. It's been tough, but it's because we needed more money.

Wife isn't keen on leaving toddler with babysitters, she's a pretty hands on mama, I don't mind it. But I'm more loose on that subject, I wouldn't mind finding a sitter and us taking a date night here and there but again, she doesn't fancy the idea. Our child just turned 2. Wife has been Operation MAMA since day one. She's a worryer and it she'd have major separation anxiety so we just avoid it by including our toddler in everything we do.

 

I'll admit, our communication isn't great.

[OldOnTheInside]

I'll admit, our communication isn't great.

Well, you already know what one of the biggest issues here is don't you?

 

Have the two of you always had communication problems or is this just after the baby was born?

 

I suggest that you tell her about this before the divide between the two of you becomes irreparable. How you intend to tell her is your own choice.

 

But...

 

This is what I recommended to my friends when a similar situation occured.

 

-Clear at least 1 or 2 hours of free time. Do you think you can do that?

-Wait till the child is asleep. I know that will be difficult...

-Sit her down.

-Speak in a calm, non-accusatory tone.

-Clearly explain all the issues you are having with your M and let her do the same.

-Do not put her under any pressure, but don't be overly passive either(this is very difficult).

-The two of you must take these problems into consideration and do whatever you have to, to rectify them as best you can (also difficult).

 

^You don't neccessarily have to follow that advise...it is just something to keep in mind.

Edited May 2, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[xxoo]

8-5 on weekdays sounds pretty good, actually. That should provide time to spend together in the evenings.

 

What do your evenings look like together?

 

I agree that the communication issue is probably the real issue. If you were both motivated to get close, your schedule would allow the time. I really like OOTI's ideas about opening up the conversation about the concerns each of you have regarding your marriage.

 

FWIW, I am just like your wife with regard to "never" leaving my babies and toddlers. Getting a babysitter would just stress me out--not be fun. So I don't think you have to go out alone, without the child, to be close. I know it can be done at home, if the parents are motivated.

 

Things that worked for us:

 

Walks with the toddler, or trips to the park, where the child can wander and explore while parents hold hands and connect (still watching the child, of course!).

 

Movies together after the babe is asleep. Usually the babe fell asleep on the couch during the movie, lol, but then we could focus on each other

 

Teaching the children, starting around that age, that small segments of time are "mommy-daddy" time, when mommy and daddy talk, or cuddle together on the couch, and the child needs to go do something else for that 90 seconds! Start small, and build up

[Stung]

Agreed with OOTI about the communication issues and with xxoo about teaching kids about mommy-daddy time. Of course, for a 2 year old that's tough.

 

My son is almost 2.5 and I have never left him with "just a babysitter", but I have left him with his grandparents for a few hours at a time, and it was so, so necessary for my mental health and my relationship health. I love him to death but I need a little me time or I get tense, unhappy, obsessed, distant with my husband. I also knew that my husband and I needed a little time alone, without the kids distracting our focus from each other. IME, a lunch alone and a walk in the park holding hands, or a chance to see a big-budget special effects movie and cuddle in the theater sharing popcorn, or a few hours to have crazy monkey sex in the middle of the afternoon without worrying about who will wake up or toddle through the door--this can really breathe life back into a marriage.

 

When he turned 2, I got him into part-time daycare for the socialization and to provide him with more structure, and give me more time to pursue my own projects in the mornings. I pick my son up at noon every day and we still have a ton of quality time together (my husband usually doesn't get home from work until late evening). The first week dropping-off was rough, but now he loves his school and feels like such a big boy, and has made so many friends, and I have a few clients I can work with just in the morning which keeps my resume current and keeps me from becoming so obsessed with mommyhood that I lose myself.

 

Not everyone has local family or daycare/part-time work options, I know, but if either of those is a possibility you should really look into using them. Reframe the idea from "leaving my baby all alone with a sitter" to "letting the baby strengthen social bonds with a community of family and friends".

[StreetDog]

thank you all...

 

 

Yep, that's been the biggest problem in our relationship, good communication. Between the two of us, i'm the best communicator but i've (on many occasions) chosen to let things slide (which is silly) because I know my Wife isn't the best "talker" of serious matters. She'll clam up, give me the silent treatment, etc.

 

I don't fancy blaming things on your past, but she didn't grow up with the

most "in love" parents. Her Mom suffered some depression and Dad tried his best to do everything He could to make her happy...the end result is they are still married but they sleep in different rooms and aren't affectionate to each other in any single way. They may as well just be roommates that share a house. No love, no respect.

 

I don't want to end up like that with my W.

[whichwayisup]

grown apart in the sense that, we've just become two people that

are dedicated to taking care of and raising this beautiful child. We are

no longer a Couple In Love so much.....we're just friends that live

together and raise our child. No real kissing anymore, no sex (in fact

it's been almost 4 months and it was because it was our 5 year wedding

anniversary) and just no real loving affection.

 

Sure we say we love each other but I think that's just because that's

just what you say in a marriage. We obviously care about each other...

but on her side she doesn't really touch me or worry about really letting

me know that she loves me or that she appreciates me. In my corner,

i've kinda stopped trying to hold her hand or rub her shoulders/feet like

I always, always used to and i've just stopped initiating sex because,

well, it just doesn't feel right to have to schedule it or ask for it when

it doesn't feel like we're the same couple we once were.

 

We've gotten caught up in the child raising routine. i'm at work way too

much so i can give her freedom to stay home with baby and she (to me)

seems like it's ok if i'm gone. We seem to bicker more and more about silly

little things. We have respect for each other enough that it never gets

to insults or yelling and screaming but more and more bickering than ever

before....about the silliest stuff.

 

She's VERY much into Baby and i like that. She's super attentive mama.

Granted, she does make my lunch for me sometimes (i never ask her to or

expect it, ever) and looks out for me here and there to make sure i'm eating

right because i work such crazy hours these days to provide...

 

But things are definitely way different than they used to be.

 

Well, do you want a relationship with your wife? Does she want one with you?

 

Don't let your kid, or life get in the way of your time together as a couple, though it's too late for that..But, not too late if you (both) want to make time for one another and reconnect again.

 

If you don't, and you let this go, no effort and just 'be' in the sense of how things are, eventually one or both of you are prime picking for an affair.

[willma]

I've been married for 24 years and have 2 great boys, 14, and 16 years of age. I work in a neonatal ICU with pretty much an all female staff. I like to say they all make me a better man.

 

My wife and I both agree that we were happiest when we had nothing but ourselves. We lived in a mobile home with a crappy little car and didn't have two nickles to rub together. It was the happiest time of our lives. Years later, we both have careers, a big house in the suburbs, two nice new vehicles, the boys,...and a lot of bills and stress.

 

Having said all that you and your wife only have so much to give. If you are putting 80-90% into your career to get ahead...you may also loose your marriage. If she puts 80-90% into the kids and home...you may also loose your marriage. It's all about balance and sacrifice. Something has got to give in order for a marriage to work...and it is work sometimes, even when your love is strong. My wife and I have given up many career opportunities for the sake of our marriage and family.

 

Setting aside precious time for just the two of you is extremely important. I'm not talking about a vacation or a weekend get-a-way, I'm talking every day. The kids are forced into bed at an early enough hour that it gives you time to relax, talk, have intimate time, whatever. So many times our lives get so exhausting and stressful that the last thing on your mind is being intimate. Intimacy is what reinforces the bond you two have for each other. Some day the kids will be out of the house and it will be you two again, so in the mean time it is very important to have that balance in your lives and spend quality time together.