Being child-free

[tigressA]

T, I checked out that childfreedom blog and all I could think was "trying too hard!" Sort of a "the lady doth protest too much, methinks" situation.

 

I fully believe that people can have happy and fulfilling lives without children, but there is something about the tone of that blog that seems so bitter and angry.

 

It did grate at me a little too; it could have been less adversarial, but on the other hand it did communicate reasons why I don't want to have kids, which is what I paid attention to.

[dinklifer]

Check out DINKlife.com guys, there are a lot of articles on the subject that support our decisions! Katelyn

[Disillusioned]

I'd like to hear from anyone on this, but particularly from those who are child-free and/or knows someone who is. Why did you come to choose this lifestyle? What do you do with your time? Has there been significant backlash from family/friends due to your choice? Do you feel socially isolated?

 

My reasons for not wanting to be a dad are many and complicated...

 

1. I just can't handle bawling infants and toddlers.

 

2. An intelligent kid can learn stuff pretty quick, but a stupid kid can be a real handful because he'll almost invariably do stupid things to hurt himself or someone else. For example, a stupid kid doesn't know gasoline isn't a toy until he burns himself with it.

 

3. Because I'm surrounded by moralistic fascists who think living in a police state is actually desirable, there's no way I could give my kids cool toys like what I never got (go-karts, minibikes, BB guns, electric welders, etc.) without getting popped into the clink for "child endangerment"---legalese for "letting Junior have a little enjoyment".

 

4. Can you imagine me raising a daughter??? What boy will want to date some battle-axe girl who likes to play with power tools and build stuff??? And what if I never taught her not to chase boys???

 

5. I'd let my kids talk like sailors, belch at the table, and encourage them to hit back if the school bully picks on them.

 

Assuming I stayed out of prison despite my unorthodox child-rearing methods, it would only be a matter of time before one of the other dads storms over to my house and punches my lights out.

 

But OTOH, being kidless means I get to keep all my brain cells that process logic!

[PollyIvy]

For some strange reason, none of my friends have children. I am the unconventional, weirdo in my group of friends, because I have 3 children.

Back when I started popping them out, my friends all felt sorry for me. They thought I would become boring.

Then 9/11 happened, and my friends were envious of me, because there was this big 'family values' vibe.

But now, it's just a personal choice (or in some unhappy situations, an infertility problem). I did not get boring. They did not get unfulfilled. It's actually great for me because my childless friends can come hang out with me without any babysitter hassles.

I think being a parent or being childless are both wonderful life-style choices. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, GIRL.

[PollyIvy]

Disillusioned: I'm kinda guilty of your #5.

[Ross MwcFan]

This is the only really positive thing about me not being able to get a woman, that I'm child free, and I always will remain child free.

[eerie_reverie]

You are in your early 20's and have been in this relationship for 2 months. Why do you need to make a firm decision now...?

 

Personally, I have always wanted kids, can't imagine feeling fulfilled if I never have them. I just don't think a good career and relationship and lots of hobbies and friends would be good enough substitutes for a family.

 

Then again, I also can't imagine feeling fulfilled if I was a stay-at-home mom my whole life, and having children was all that I did. I guess I want it all.

[threebyfate]

tigress, children are a lifelong commitment. If you don't want them, don't let anyone pressure you into having them.

 

As far as parental regret, none here!

 

But disparity between partners about goals, can lead to a non-future together.

[tigressA]

I just want to reiterate that I made this decision pretty much independently of my current relationship--I shared my decision with BF, and that was what led to all the talks about it. That was when I learned he's at least strongly leaning toward the same option, which of course is favorable to me.

 

Thanks for all the input. Disillusioned, your post made me . I remember as a kid how I never had scheduled play-dates, and when the weather was warm we were shooed out of the house. It's not like that now. Everything is so structured and parents feel so much pressure to entertain their kids and have an eagle eye on them 24/7. If I were inclined to have a child, I'd probably be accused of being a bad/lazy parent for doing what mine did with me.

 

I have thought through my reasons for not having kids, and to sum it up really quickly--I am just too self-centered to have them. The idea of giving over my body and so many years of my life to bear and raise a human from helpless infancy to able-bodied adulthood makes me cringe.

[Ms. Joolie]

I'd like to hear from anyone on this, but particularly from those who are child-free and/or knows someone who is. Why did you come to choose this lifestyle?

In an ideal world, I would want children but I just don't have any idea how I could realistically have that in my life. Having children just doesn't fit into my life it seems, and I can easily give it up. I am 29 and have thought about the issue plenty. I'm not just giving it up, I am choosing not to have children. My choice in not having kids is as strong as my love for them.

 

What do you do with your time?

There's an endless variety of activities to fill my time and that are worth pursuing. There's just no way ever that life is going to be void without having my own children.

 

Has there been significant backlash from family/friends due to your choice?

I have not shared with my family about my choice. Both my mom and older sister particularly have always assumed that I would be having children. They do throw in lines like, "when you are a mother" or "when you have kids". I don't think they would understand my choice, but I may have to have that conversation with them. Or maybe not.

 

Do you feel socially isolated?

I can't imagine ever feeling socially isolated for not having kids. There are just too many people and too many activities in the world to feel socially isolated.

[Bettylou]

I'm 27 and my partner of six years is 37. We do not have any children.

 

Looking at my old highschool mates a majority of them don't have children. I think there is like 5 or 6 people from my year of 60 who has children.

 

As for me, sometimes I like the idea of having an offspring. However my situation is a bit hard.

 

My Partner is mild schizophrenic, so he is very high maintence and it would be hard having a child to look after as well as having to worry on how my partner will be feeling day in and out.

 

Besides my partner and I like having no responsibilites. We go to the city and go nightclubbing. Concerts etc. We have a life were we can just say "You want to go to such and such" and we don't have to worry about babysitting.

 

However we do love our nieces and nephews and younger cousins like they were our own children.

 

Although there is people out there that are together and would love a child, but they may not be able to for many reasons such as infertility.

 

Also my partner and I don't feel isolated because we don't have kids. We go to cafes, nightclubbing, movies etc. It's not lonely.

Edited May 9, 2011 by Bettylou

[Silivren]

I pretty much have made up my mind to not have them. And no, I'm not thinking of permanently sterilizing myself at this point in life--no doctor would perform a procedure like that on someone at my age who's never had kids, no matter how adamant they are about not having them. I may as well wait until I'm in my 30s for that.

 

I read the article you posted, Scott, and honestly it doesn't make me feel any different. I just don't really have the desire for children. I don't feel a calling to have them. Sure, I see a cute baby somewhere and it'll tug at my heart, but I realized recently it doesn't mean I want one of my own.

 

Tigress, if that's how you feel stick with it and don't feel guilty about it. I know a few women that have chosen to be childless and they are guilted and pressured about it. I think family means different things to different people. To some, their dogs ARE their children and they are fine with that.

 

Just because you *can* reproduce, doesn't necessarily mean that you need to. We are prospering enough as a species and if that's the lifestyle that you and your hubby see yourselves having for yourself then live it and be happy!

 

Besides - if you ever get that "maternal" feeling you can always live vicariously as an auntie.