A TIME FOR ALL THINGS?

[Guest]

My heart is broken, and I need all the advice I can get right now, down life's pathways.

 

 

 

I am a father of two, boy/girl and have been married to by wife for 22 years. My wife and I were married in a small country church and had our first child 2 years afterward. The second came about 4 years after our marriage. I am the romantic in the family, sending her flowers every anniversary, picking out her christmas gifts and taking great care in doing so. Always at work, and home afterward, spending as much time with my kids in their growing years and baseball games as any father could. I tried to get my wife and the kids started in the local church, where I was raised, but ultimately this failed (I even got them up on Sunday's a few times when they were little and took them myself). I have always been deeply in love with my wife, never cheating (looking yes), but I knew the boundaries.

 

 

 

In 1985, while we were home on Labor holiday week, I intercepted a call from my wife and another man. In approaching my wife with this, she denied anything was going on, and that he was worker who was in on construction from another town at the factory where my wife worked (later found to be false). I asked her to talk it over with me and finally she gave me the info, that he was just someone she met, and that she needed some time to think things over. After the week and I had lost weight, I thought she really did need the time. I got suspicious of her motel room she took in another city, and went there finding her with another man. I took the kids and left. After a week, a minister got us back together, and she told me that nothing happened between her and one of the managers of a department who used to work there (now his own business in the town she went to). I guess, I believed her crying and pleas for taking her back.

 

 

 

We went to counseling, but things seemed to get worse and stopped. We talked, or I should say that I wanted to talk about "it", but she wouldn't say much.

 

 

 

Things went good, for the next seven years. Our relationship seemed great, even though she still worked at this factory, where adultery abounds. We used to talk at nights and she would talk about this one guy who worked down a few desks from her, but she talked about others also.

 

 

 

I had noted that in 98' at her Company's Christmas Party she kept staring at this same dude from her office, divorced and slightly younger than she. In 99, I noticed that she started finding little things which she would bring up for arguments, little petty things. I refused to argue, and yes, I recognized the signs and started watching. At the 99 Christmas party, she noticeably kept her eyes off him, who sat at our table.

 

 

 

In January 2000, she announced that she was moving out and gave me a list of things which went back 22 years, of petty things. In March she filed for divorce, and I started monitoring "his" house on the way from work in June. In July, I found her car parked behind his blazer.

 

 

 

What do you think? Should I pick up the pieces after this long in love with someone and move on. Currently in my heart I know it's over, but what can drive a woman into adultery, when she has a loving, attentive husband, and living very comfortable? I have no family, but a good group of friends and my children. What should I do from this point on and what things can drive a woman to this stage to break up a family. Grateful and Listening

 

 

 

Steve

[Tony T]

She wasn't driven anywhere. Here infidelity started a very long time ago.

 

There are seldom very clear cut reasons why spouses stray. Some get seek excitement out of their circle of familiarity, some aren't getting certain needs met at home, some are just attracted to other people and have no morals, principles, or sense of committment.

 

I would bet my life that her mother cheated on her father or vice versa. People often mimic the behavior they became familiar with growing up. There are just so many psychological dymnamics that could have caused her infidelity. It's really a mute point here. It's done and over. Right now, you are still in a daze but you will eventually become very angry at her and the situation. That anger is the stage just before you are totally healed from your marriage and can move on.

 

A one time overnight can always be forgiven. People are human beings. They are imperfect and they just screw up. What your wife did took place over a very long period of time and, while she can be forgiven, she has breached a sacred trust so heinously that it can never be restored.

 

You have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on. However, this lady is the father of your children and you will always have that in common. Otherwise, I urge you to have nothing to do with her. If you are to heal from this and go on with your life, you will have to cease contact except that which is necessary for the benefit of your children.

 

There are some great ladies out there. But we live in an age where morals have decayed and selfishness abounds so you will have to pay very close attention to the female company you keep in the future. Right now, you don't want to think about that but in time you will be ready for a very nice woman in your life. Just use caution.

 

Frankly, I think you let your current marriage go on way too long. As painful as it may be to admit, she was of a deceitful and disloyal mindset for the majority of your marriage. You were just too much in love to see the critical signs.

 

Go forward from this day and don't look back.

[Kerrie]

My heart is broken, and I need all the advice I can get right now, down life's pathways. I am a father of two, boy/girl and have been married to by wife for 22 years. My wife and I were married in a small country church and had our first child 2 years afterward. The second came about 4 years after our marriage. I am the romantic in the family, sending her flowers every anniversary, picking out her christmas gifts and taking great care in doing so. Always at work, and home afterward, spending as much time with my kids in their growing years and baseball games as any father could. I tried to get my wife and the kids started in the local church, where I was raised, but ultimately this failed (I even got them up on Sunday's a few times when they were little and took them myself). I have always been deeply in love with my wife, never cheating (looking yes), but I knew the boundaries. In 1985, while we were home on Labor holiday week, I intercepted a call from my wife and another man. In approaching my wife with this, she denied anything was going on, and that he was worker who was in on construction from another town at the factory where my wife worked (later found to be false). I asked her to talk it over with me and finally she gave me the info, that he was just someone she met, and that she needed some time to think things over. After the week and I had lost weight, I thought she really did need the time. I got suspicious of her motel room she took in another city, and went there finding her with another man. I took the kids and left. After a week, a minister got us back together, and she told me that nothing happened between her and one of the managers of a department who used to work there (now his own business in the town she went to). I guess, I believed her crying and pleas for taking her back. We went to counseling, but things seemed to get worse and stopped. We talked, or I should say that I wanted to talk about "it", but she wouldn't say much. Things went good, for the next seven years. Our relationship seemed great, even though she still worked at this factory, where adultery abounds. We used to talk at nights and she would talk about this one guy who worked down a few desks from her, but she talked about others also. I had noted that in 98' at her Company's Christmas Party she kept staring at this same dude from her office, divorced and slightly younger than she. In 99, I noticed that she started finding little things which she would bring up for arguments, little petty things. I refused to argue, and yes, I recognized the signs and started watching. At the 99 Christmas party, she noticeably kept her eyes off him, who sat at our table. In January 2000, she announced that she was moving out and gave me a list of things which went back 22 years, of petty things. In March she filed for divorce, and I started monitoring "his" house on the way from work in June. In July, I found her car parked behind his blazer. What do you think? Should I pick up the pieces after this long in love with someone and move on. Currently in my heart I know it's over, but what can drive a woman into adultery, when she has a loving, attentive husband, and living very comfortable? I have no family, but a good group of friends and my children. What should I do from this point on and what things can drive a woman to this stage to break up a family. Grateful and Listening Steve

Steve,

 

You did not mention what issues she pointed out in her note. You say they are petty, and I am sure that from your point of view they are. But, it would be interesting to know what her issues are, even if it is just to give further insight to her mind and why she felt she wanted to cheat.

 

It sounds as if your values are kind of different - you like the 'nesty' environment and enjoy being home with your family, church etc...where as her interest in these things doesn't seem as strong.

 

You asked what could drive a woman to cheat/break up a family. I have not personally cheated, but I have been tempted. In my experience, the temptation has only arisen when I've felt neglected, as though my needs aren't being heard and that I'm being taken for granted. From what you say, this does not seem the case with you. Then, I've put myself in the situation of my partner and how he would feel if I did cheat, and opted for the 'we need a serious talk approach'. Maybe the decision to go either way is in some ways related to A PERSONS COMMITMENT TO MAKING A RELATIONSHIP WORK, taking the bad with the good.

 

However, I have a cousin who is notorious for cheating - in fact, Im not sure if she has had a relationship that she has not cheated in. This girl is extremely attractive, comes from a fantastic family and on the surface, there does not seem to be any reason for her constant straying. I have got to the stage where I don't look for reasons with her anymore. I've accepted that some people have different loyalties - all of our belief and moral systems are different. Some of us learn them, but I am also starting to wonder about genetic inheritance...I mean, are some of us simply born more selfish than others??

 

As for your question to moving on. Yes, you may have 1000 or 2000 weeks left on this earth (not sure of age, and i find looking at life in weeks makes me want to live for the day more) and so many experiences to feel. You have two wonderful children who are essentially adults now and quite possibly the best friends you have. You have a great group of friends...together they equal a fantastic foundation.

 

Maybe your wife doesn't really understand what is out there. You met young, she could be suffering 'the grass is greener on the other side' syndrome. I thank god I had some terribly abusive relationships because even though my current relationship is frought with problems outside of our control, what has kept me there is knowing that not all men are as attentive and loving as my man (our problems aren't 'us' but are to do with a fleeting sexual encounter he had at 21 and the emotional and financial strain the woman puts on him...she lied about contraception and we pay a fortune in child support that doesn't go to the child. she is a serial lier and has now stiched up three guys this way - two bolted and we've wound up with three kids on weekends).

 

I pray for your that the next woman who comes in your life (and there will be one) knows from experience that the grass isn't greener, and that you are an absolute gem. Unfortunately for your wife, she may have one or two hard lessons ahead but you have to let her learn them.

 

last word: Move on!

 

Good luck.

 

Kerrie

[Guest]

Tony and Kerrie:

 

 

 

You both have extremely good points. Tony, I have experienced the anger, reasoned through my inability to ever have a relationship with a serial cheater, regardless of the depth of love "I" bring to the marriage, and yes, I would say there is controversy about her father having a past affair, to whom she is the closest.

 

 

 

Kerri, petty things were doing the "right" things in our relationship. The list is too petty to even consider the points of seperation, a blind, a cover, an excuse.

 

 

 

You both have given me "extremely good" points, and just so both of you will know, I am moving on with my life, limiting contact, and feel much much much better.

 

 

 

You will never know how you have helped.....Steve.

 

Steve,

You did not mention what issues she pointed

out in her note. You say they are petty, and I

am sure that from your point of view they are.

But, it would be interesting to know what her

issues are, even if it is just to give further

insight to her mind and why she felt she wanted

to cheat.

It sounds as if your values are kind of different

- you like the 'nesty' environment and enjoy being

home with your family, church etc...where as her

interest in these things doesn't seem as strong.

 

You asked what could drive a woman to cheat/break

up a family. I have not personally cheated, but

I have been tempted. In my experience, the temptation

has only arisen when I've felt neglected, as though

my needs aren't being heard and that I'm being

taken for granted. From what you say, this does

not seem the case with you. Then, I've put myself

in the situation of my partner and how he would

feel if I did cheat, and opted for the 'we need

a serious talk approach'. Maybe the decision to

go either way is in some ways related to A PERSONS

COMMITMENT TO MAKING A RELATIONSHIP WORK, taking

the bad with the good.

However, I have a cousin who is notorious

for cheating - in fact, Im not sure if she has

had a relationship that she has not cheated in.

This girl is extremely attractive, comes from

a fantastic family and on the surface, there does

not seem to be any reason for her constant straying.

I have got to the stage where I don't look for

reasons with her anymore. I've accepted that some

people have different loyalties - all of our belief

and moral systems are different. Some of us learn

them, but I am also starting to wonder about genetic

inheritance...I mean, are some of us simply born

more selfish than others??

As for your question to moving on. Yes, you

may have 1000 or 2000 weeks left on this earth

(not sure of age, and i find looking at life in

weeks makes me want to live for the day more)

and so many experiences to feel. You have two

wonderful children who are essentially adults

now and quite possibly the best friends you have.

You have a great group of friends...together they

equal a fantastic foundation.

Maybe your wife doesn't really understand

what is out there. You met young, she could be

suffering 'the grass is greener on the other side'

syndrome. I thank god I had some terribly abusive

relationships because even though my current relationship

is frought with problems outside of our control,

what has kept me there is knowing that not all

men are as attentive and loving as my man (our

problems aren't 'us' but are to do with a fleeting

sexual encounter he had at 21 and the emotional

and financial strain the woman puts on him...she

lied about contraception and we pay a fortune

in child support that doesn't go to the child.

she is a serial lier and has now stiched up three

guys this way - two bolted and we've wound up

with three kids on weekends).

I pray for your that the next woman who comes

in your life (and there will be one) knows from

experience that the grass isn't greener, and that

you are an absolute gem. Unfortunately for your

wife, she may have one or two hard lessons ahead

but you have to let her learn them.

last word: Move on!

Good luck.

Kerrie