Dumped by GF of 3 Yrs

[ramathorne]

Hey all,

 

This is my first post. It was longer but nobody was responding so i shortened it.

 

My GF and I were together for 3 years (now both 20 Yrs old). We had an amazing relationship. Both were extremely close with the others family etc.

 

A month ago, we were out drinking at the local bar. We had gone just the two of us together. When we got there she took off looking for her friends, and I did the same. None of my friends were there that night and I was fine by that. I went looking for her and found her dancing with a guy that she barely knew. It made me extremely upset and I told her that I was leaving, but didn't tell her the reason. I didn't want to start a fight in the bar and I knew that she would never cheat on me. She told me she would walk me to the door, and grabbed me and kissed me and told me she loved me. When she said that, I told her that I didn't think she did and she absolutely flipped. She was screaming at me and punching me and everything, things that she had never done. I walked away from it and headed towards her house.

 

A few minutes after I left I heard her behind me. She was bawling her eyes out, screaming on the phone to her best friend. I went up to her and tried to talk to her, but she just kept telling me how mean I was. She then took off running. I kept going to her house because I knew that's where she would end up and I wanted to sort this out.

 

At her house that night nothing came of the conversation. I stayed the night and the next morning we talked. She told me that I was smothering her and that she needed space. She still loved me and was scared ****less. I cried and all that nice stuff and she did even more so. She hugged me and kissed me goodbye and I left. Later that day was when i made the biggest mistake. I started pleading with her to give me another chance, telling her that things didn't have to be the way they were before and that I could be better for her. She told me there was no doubt in her mind that I could be better, but she wanted to stand on her own two feet for a while.

 

The first couple weeks were really tough but I tried the best I could to be strong. I slipped up a few times breaking down to her, telling her that I missed her blah blah blah. We were right in the middle of exams so the stress level was through the roof. Contact was limited, I avoided talking to her -most of the time she would initiate contact.

 

After exams were done, she started partying harder than ever. She now goes out 3-4 times a week and gets absolutely plastered drunk every time. I have seen her twice at the bar. She was drunk both times, but both times she pulled me aside to ask me how i was doing. Both times I told her I am doing well, and that I miss her.

She is a hard working girl who is very concerned about money (paying her tuition), but to my knowledge she has only worked a day in the last 2-3 weeks. To be honest, I'm worried about her because of alcoholism in her family. I know that this is none of my business anymore and haven't approached her or anyone else with the subject. I do not contact her. I let her come to me if she wants to talk, but when she does it is always small talk. I am giving her space, but I am losing my mind at the same time. She always loved having guy friends, but now she is hanging out with these guy friends more than ever.

 

I love this girl a lot. She is beautiful, funny, smart, and everything else I find important. I'm trying to be strong and I know that this breakup needed to happen so that I could evaluate myself and my life. I realize that she was right about a lot of things, like me smothering her and what not. I have been laying low and not reaching out to her at all. I miss her like crazy though and I feel as if I'm losing my mind.

 

I appreciate and help, advice, opinions, questions, ANYTHING that anybody has. This is the hardest thing that I have ever experienced. Again, I'm sorry about the incompleteness of this first post. I'm all over the place right now so its hard to get everything together.

 

Thank you so much if you read it this far! This forum is amazing!

Edited May 3, 2011 by ramathorne

[ramathorne]

Anybody have advice?

[coltsfan1]

Ram,

The truth in my situation which is much like yours is she is young and you are young. You need to leave her alone she has some serious character issues to work out on her own. You cannot fix her, she has to work through these things on her own. She is only partying so hard to try and mask what she has done. But that life style will prove to be empty if she is a person of any moral value. You both are so young and be thankful that it has came to a head now instead of later on. Like after marriage, it might not feel like it now but 9 months down the road you might not even know her anymore.

 

here are a couple links to my situation you can feel free to read through.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t219183/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258603/

[ramathorne]

Coltsfan,

 

Thanks for the reply. Nice to know that other people have been in a similar situation and have lived through it (lol). Your words are wise. I have been talking about this to friends and family, and everyone is just as confused as I am with what she is doing.

 

I understand what you mean by she is partying hard to mask what she has done, but why do people do this crap? It seems like she is forgetting about everything that used to be important to her!

[Still Searching]

I just went through a similar situation. I'm 24, and over the bar scene for the most part, while she just turned 21 2 months ago. Like your g/f, mine started partying hard, doing poorly in school, hanging with a bunch of guys, and all the other fun stuff.

 

As others have said, let her be. I did, and wouldn't you know it, she contacted me this week after 3 1/2 weeks NC, sobbing about how her life has gone down hill drastically since she left me. Some realize that the partying lifestyle is "empty" sooner than others. In my case, I didn't take her back, as she has some serious identity issues to work out and needs to do that on her own. Besides that, she hasn't stopped living her destructive lifestyle despite her supposed realizations of what it's doing to her.

 

Take the time to focus on yourself, and know that you are better off without having to deal with the headaches. I know that sounds hard, but it sounds like in your case, much like mine, we truly are better off.

[ramathorne]

Still Searching,

 

That's what people have been telling me as well and that's what I've been doing (letting her be).

 

Like your ex (I creeped your posts) mine only dated douchebags before me. She said they were "fun", but in reality they were Guys that were doing drugs, doing horrible in school, didn't have jobs etc. They still don't have anything going for them. It seems like these are the kinds of guys she is wanting to hang around now too, guys that are into pot and stuff- who get beyond wasted. I am the complete opposite of that. It just makes no sense to me, or to most of her friends.

 

I hope that she does realize that the party life is empty soon, before I lose any more respect for her. She WAS an amazing girl.

 

Thanks for your reply buddy, it's hard to believe that complete strangers can make you feel so much better in these situations!!

[coltsfan1]

I partied and the whole nine, and I did it for a few YEARS.... Cost me a best friend, he pasted in 2003 and that is what it took for me to change. Shame I had to lose so much to get it through my head. Some people take longer than others, some realize and some don't. All you can do is start moving forward, she may come back she may not. But if you want my advice I think that in 6-9 months if she does you will be so discussed in her you will be happy to tell her to have a good life but it won't be with you again.

[ramathorne]

Coltsfan:

 

I hope you're wrong, in the sense that I hope it doesn't take her that long!

 

But I also hope you're right in the sense that I'll be able to think of myself first if it does go that long, and if that did happen.

As hard as it is, I've been making myself do stuff. Got a gym pass, lost a little bit of weight for the summer( wasn't overweight or anything), hanging out with friends more.....I guess I'm headed somewhat in the right direction

[Downtown]

Ramathorne, welcome to the LoveShack forum. You are describing what sounds like several strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. Whether those traits are so severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD is a determination that only a professional can make. This does not mean, however, that you cannot spot the red flags for such traits. I therefore will comment on several traits and suggest posts on this forum where you can quickly read more about them if you want.

I told her that I didn't think she [loved me] and she absolutely flipped. She was screaming at me and punching me and everything, things that she had never done.

A BPDer (i.e., person with strong BPD traits) has two great fears. One is the fear of abandonment. Because a BPDer has little control over her emotions, it is common for her to greatly over-react to any comment or action suggesting you are going to leave her. When this happens, she typically will start acting extremely caring and sweet to pull you back into the relationship.

 

As to the "screaming and punching," it is common for a BPDer to periodically throw temper tantrums when you inadvertently trigger one of her fears. And it is extremely easy to do that. This is why you will feel like you always have to be walking on eggshells to avoid setting her off. Moreover, verbal and physical abuse is one of the hallmarks of BPDer behavior.

She told me that I was smothering her and that she needed space. She still loved me and was scared ****less.

The other great fear is engulfment. Because a BPDer has a weak, fragile sense of who she is, she quickly becomes very uncomfortable during intimate moments. She then will push you away to get breathing space -- so she can feel like a whole person instead of feeling like she is losing herself in your strong personality. To push you away, she will create an argument over nothing. The worst of these arguments will usually follow on the heels of a very intimate evening or great weekend together. Yet, as you back away to give her space, within a few days or weeks her fear of abandonment will kick in and she will start reeling you back into the relationship. This push-away and pull-back cycle, which repeats endlessly, is a hallmark of BPDer behavior.

She only dated douchebags before me. She said they were "fun"

Because a BPDer has a weak self image, she has nothing to center or ground her behavior when meeting new people. She therefore will figure out how they expect her to behave and will act in that manner. This is why, if your exGF is a BPDer, you have noticed that she behaves very differently around different types of people. That is, it will seem to you that she has several different types of personalities.

 

If she is a BPDer, she did this mirroring BIG TIME when she became infatuated with you. She would have mirrored the best aspects of your personality so perfectly that the two of you were both convinced you had met your "soul mate." Significantly, this mirroring is not an attempt to deceive you. Rather, it is the way a BPDer behaves, starting in early childhood, as a way to fit in and be loved.

I'm worried about her because of alcoholism in her family.

It is now believed that genetics plays an important role in the development of PDs like BPD. Moreover, because BPDers cannot regulate their emotions very well, they have difficulty controlling impulses. It therefore is very common for BPDers to engage in risky or self-destructive behaviors like alcoholism, binge eating, promiscuous sex, or excessive drug use. Hence, if your exGF has strong BPD traits, some other members of her family likely have it too and these traits can be far more serious than alcoholism.

Anybody have advice?

If this discussion of traits rings a bell, my advice is that you read more about the nine BPD traits to see if they sound familiar. If your exGF really has such strong traits, you should recognize at least five of the nine traits when reading about them. Moreover, if she is a BPDer, you should have started seeing such traits at the end of the honeymoon period, which usually lasts up to six months.

 

I mention this because you seem to describe her behavior as being wonderful for three years and then suddenly deteriorating a month ago. If that really is the case, it is extremely unlikely she has strong BPD traits because they could not be suppressed that long. For an overview of what it is like to live with a BPDer, I suggest you read my three posts in Inigo's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. Like Inigo, LoveSunk also was dating a BPDer. My posts in his thread begin at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3375087#post3375087. Again, if these traits first appeared only a month ago, you likely would be wasting your time reading about BPD.

[ramathorne]

Downtown

 

What you have said makes a lot of sense. She always was one to throw tantrums, although most of the time they were not directed at me. When something didn't go her way, most of the time she would freak out. This was the case right from the start of the relationship. If he parents didn't let her do something she would hate them. If he friends said something she would vent to me about it. It would almost always be extreme emotions too. A lot of the time I could not comprehend how she could say these kinds of things just because of one simple event that didn't go her way, or even if it was something important. I would always offer her my guidance and my shoulder and I would always listen to her.

 

About her being very uncomfortable during intimate moments, that is something that was definitely a problem after the honeymoon stage. I won't get into specifics because I don't feel it is right to share that kind of stuff over the internet. What I will say though is that I never forced anything sexually on her that she did not want, she knew that and she would often tell me that.

Thinking back she would often start arguments about how she was feeling unsure about things with us, even if nothing had happened to make her feel that way. She would never provide reasons, and it would always blow over. This, again, would start to happen right around 6 months.

 

In regards to the weak self image, I could go on all day about this. To me she was (and still is) the most beautiful girl in the world. She is never happy with how she looks though. I could tell her that she was beautiful 100 times a day and she appreciated it, but she wanted to hear it from other people. Like you had mentioned, it is clear that she "mirrors" herself to those she is around, or wants to be around. She is always "dressed to impress", she constantly idolizes people and tries to be like them, or she'll take on new activities in order to please new friends. While I understand that taking on new activities is not always a bad thing, some of these were ridiculous and simply did not suit her. I tried to never question this though because I felt like if it was important to her I shouldn't ask questions.

 

As far as the family matters go, there are many things that she had told me in confidence about some members of her family, and I simply do not feel it is right to display them on a public forum. Her family is very loving and her parents are two of the most caring individuals I have ever met. They both have stable jobs and a good head on their shoulders. Maybe you could shoot me a PM Downtown to discuss this? I'm a new member so I don't know if i even can PM.

In my searches I found that alcoholism is one of the self damaging impulsive behaviors that a BPDer could possess. But what really stuck out for me was that compulsive buying was also one of these behaviors. She hasn't always showed an obsession for shopping, but over the last 2 years it has gotten out of control at times for her. It has even gone as far as me maxing out credit cards to keep her from making her own situation harder. I was able to work on this with her and although she is still obsessed with shopping, she is more obsessed with finding amazing deals. That being said though, she is still doing this when she does not have the money to support the habit.

 

Your post has opened my eyes in a big way. I have no idea as to whether or not she has BPD, but she has definitely shown traits of this PD, so there are some red flags. Even after a little bit of research, I can see that some more of the traits have been shown by her. I think that this situation may be GIGS as well, not too sure. Is it common for somebody who possesses these BPD traits to experience the GIGS?

 

How does one go with dealing with a person like this? I do love her very much and I know that she is truly a great person. We are both still young and if there was anything that I could do to help her, I would want to do it. Is the best thing just to let her get it out of her system?

 

Thank you very much for your informative insight Downtown!

[google_girl]

Its not only her even you have issues as well.

I dont have time to explain everything to you as i am in my office.

I request you to read doclove articles on askmen about "interest level" of women.

You can not control women all you have to do is keep her interest in you high always.

[Downtown]

Ramathorne, I'm glad you found the information useful.

I have no idea as to whether or not she has BPD, but she has definitely shown traits of this PD, so there are some red flags.

Yes, what you have described indicates she has most of the BPD traits at a strong level. No, you are not able to tell whether the traits are so strong as to meet the diagnositic criteria for "having BPD." Even if you could, a fundamental flaw in the diagnositc manual (DSM-IV) is that it takes a binary (i.e., 0,1) approach to diagnosing PDs. This has been an embarassment to the American Psychological Association for over a decade -- one they intend to correct in the revised manual to be released in 2013.

 

The problem is that, with the current manual, a person either has a PD or they don't. There are no gradations possible, which is ridiculous because human beings exhibit different degrees of all behaviors. The result is that a woman having 60%, 80%, or 90% of the BPD criteria is said to "not have BPD." That's a huge problem because, even when the severity falls well short of the diagnostic criteria, the person is unable to sustain a LTR and will make your life miserable -- and hers as well -- if you make the mistake of marrying her.

I think that this situation may be GIGS as well, not too sure. Is it common for somebody who possesses these BPD traits to experience the GIGS?

Don't even think about GIGS. When a young woman has many strong BPD traits, as your exGF does, you must stop thinking about why she is away and how you can win her back. She has already pushed you away and pulled you back a dozen times (due to her twin fears, as I explained). The underlying reason for pushing you away is nearly always because your inadvertently triggered one of those two fears. Perhaps you blinked or coughed. What difference does it make? She doesn't even know why herself because it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness to understand her true motivations.

How does one go with dealing with a person like this?

You don't. You should stay away from her. Don't be surprised if it takes you many months to believe this at a gut level. Even after you understand it intellectually, it likely will still take months before your inner child accepts it. And, as I explained in one of the posts cited, your inner child will make the decision to return or to stay away from her. Unfortunately, I cannot reach your inner child. I can only speak to the adult, logical part of your mind, so that is where you have started learning about BPD. Moreover, it is a VERY good start. You will never be able to see her again without seeing her for what she is: an angry, sad, little girl (with the emotional development of a four year old) having the intelligence, cunning, and body strength of a full grown woman.

I do love her very much and I know that she is truly a great person.

Most BPDers are very good people. They don't treat you abusively because they are bad. Rather, they do it because they cannot manage their emotions and the resulting intense feelings distort their perceptions of loved ones. As a general rule, they treat casual friends, business associates, and total strangers with much caring and generosity. It's the loved ones they treat abusively because only loved ones can trigger their twin fears.

We are both still young and if there was anything that I could do to help her, I would want to do it.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to help. With my exW whom I adored, I spent a small fortune taking her to six different psychologists every week for 15 years -- all to no avail. It is rare for a BPDer to be sufficiently self aware and to have the ego strength to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference.

Is the best thing just to let her get it out of her system?

Out of her system? Are you serious? If you had read the posts I wrote in the two threads cited above, you could not be asking that question. Your exGF's strong traits have been there since she was 3 or 4 years old. It is impossible to get them "out of her system" or be cured in any way. There are successful treatment programs available but I would be surprised if as many as 1% of BPDers will stay in such programs long enough to learn how to manage their issues. If she started therapy tomorrow, you would not know for several years whether she has make any improvement whatsoever. How would you be able to tell? Because she is so unstable, she alternates every few weeks (if not more often) between being absolutely wonderful and terrible. As a 20 year old with the whole world at your feet, it is important you not go down the path I took. It does not end well.

Maybe you could shoot me a PM Downtown to discuss this? I'm a new member so I don't know if i even can PM.

I cannot PM you here until your post count reaches a much higher level. One option is to create a disposable email address (at hotmail, e.g.,) and post that here for me to use. Another is to post at TalkAboutMarriage.com, using your same "name" and letting me know here that you have done so. I can PM new members there (although they cannot PM me). A third option is to just continue the discussion here publicly, leaving out the more personal details.

 

By the way, when you read the posts I cite above, focus on what I say about codependence. As GoogleGirl likely is alluding to, you have issues being a caregiver like me. You therefore are drawn, as I am, to women who desperately need you. This means you are at great risk. One danger is that you will soon return to your exGF and spend many years in a toxic relationship.

 

The greater danger, however, is that you will run right into the arms of another woman just like her. To protect yourself, you have to learn to distinguish between women who are capable of maturely loving you and those who desperately need you. Guys like us mistake being needed (for what we can do) for being loved (for the men we already are). Indeed, we don't even realize we are being loved unless the woman desperately loves us. I am leaving now but will return this evening and can respond again then. Meanwhile, please start taking care of yourself, Caregiver.

[Still Searching]

I just wanted to touch on a few of Downtown's comments, coming from my own personal experiences.

 

I agree that you need to stay away from her, despite what your inner child says. It takes some willpower to do so, but realize that she is no longer your responsibility. Also, don't get caught up in what "was", but focus on what "is" now. She's not the girl you fell in love with, and by coming back to you, she's not going to magically revert back to that person.

 

I know you'd love to help, as would I my ex g/f, but as Downtown again said, there's nothing you can do to help her. These are her demons she's facing, and by you or anyone else slaying them for her, she won't improve/grow as a person for the better. She may contact you in times of need/loneliness, and it's during those times you have to be strong and tell her you can't help her. This will go against everything you'll likely feel, but it's what she needs. She'll probably resent or even hate you for "not being there", but remember who chose to leave: them. She may or may not realize you were doing what was best for her later on, but again, that doesn't matter right now.

 

The "caregiver" topic hits home in a big way, as just last week my counselor was able to get me to see that that is the exact role I was in. We lasted as long as we did because we both thrived off of each other, her needing me, and me feeling I had a purpose (to guide, help, support, direct her). She wasn't with me simply because she loved me (although I know she did), she was also there bcause she felt she NEEDED me.

 

My counselor described it as a parent/child relationship, and said that eventually the adult in the "child" role more or less reverts back to adolescence. This seems to be the case with my ex, as she's certainly exhibiting the decision-making skills and behavior of a young teenager.

 

The "parent" also gets tired of constantly trying to steer the child in the right direction. In my case, the more I tried to prevent her from making major mistakes, the more she resented me and felt I was controlling, or that I didn't accept her for her and approve of anything she did. She wanted her freedom, and now has it, and it's obvious that she doesn't know how to handle it.

 

I couldn't agree more with Downtown in that we must be careful of the type of women we enter a relationship with. It's all too easy to fall back into the familiar role we've been living for so long.

 

Take this time to focus on yourself. It's all you can do at this point.

 

I hope this helps.

[ramathorne]

Google Girl

I have been reading the Doc Love articles on askmen. I'll probably get bashed for this, but does anyone actually think that you can regain the interest of an ex?

 

Downtown

The more I read about BPD, the more confused I become. I realize that she has shown traits of the disorder, but then again if I "analyze" any of my friends girlfriends who have been in LTR, or even some of my friends, they all show certain traits too. Does that make sense?

 

Our relationship was by no means toxic. We were and still are young, had our problems, and most of the time we were able to resolve them maturely. She was always strong willed and stubborn, and those were things that I loved about her. She told me a few days after the breakup that she didn't want to look back on us in a few years time and regret not doing our own thing while we are still young. She wants to find herself, and stand on her own two feet, it's just confusing to me as to why she feels the need to drink and party to do so. She was such a sweet girl before, but when she looks me in the eyes now I feel as if I don't know her, and that hurts a lot.

 

Sorry if all this was jumbled up, and if I am already starting to sound like a broken record. The amount of pain and heartache this has all caused me is like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm trying to keep busy and I don't reach out to her at all, but it still isn't making me feel better about it. I feel like such a nut case and I hate it!

[Downtown]

^^^^^^ StillSearching's excellent post is an example of why it is to your advantage to post as much of the not-too-private information as you feel comfortable with here in the LoveShack forum (instead of a PM to me). You will get valuable input from a number of LS members who have been through this themselves and thus can tell you what lies ahead.

 

Also, every time you post here, it brings your thread to the top of the list, attracting more members. Moreover, by sharing your story, Ramathorne, you likely are helping many other people in your situation. In just the past day, for example, over 200 "lurkers" have looked at your thread.

[ramathorne]

Still Searching

 

I can't help but agree with all that you say. It's extremely hard to take in and my heart does not want to do it, but I have to go through this all logically. I'm still sort of in shock about this whole thing, and it sucks that we have to be apart for me to realize the problems that we did have. All part of life I guess! Trying to be as receptive as possible to everything!

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom!

[Downtown]

The more I read about BPD, the more confused I become. I realize that she has shown traits of the disorder, but then again if I "analyze" any of my friends girlfriends who have been in LTR, or even some of my friends, they all show certain traits too. Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes perfect sense. All of us show BPD traits occasionally. Because BPD arises from immaturity (an arrested emotional development), all of us exhibit substantial BPD type behavior when we are dating in our mid to late teens. This is why psychologists are reluctant to diagnose it before a person reachs at least 18. BPDers (folks having strong BPD traits) are not from Mars. They have all the same feelings we all have. Moreover, we all exhibit all nine BPD traits on a 24/7 basis in childhood and keep doing it occasionally all through our adulthood.

 

You do splitting, for example, many times a day -- when you are day dreaming, for example. You also do splitting whenever you are startled. For your protection, your mind turns off higher level thinking and is only capable of black-white thinking (e.g., "jump left" or "jump right" and "flee" or "fight") at that instant. The difference between us Nons and BPDers, then, is a difference of degree, not type. That is, BPDers do black-white thinking frequently, which is why they classify everyone as "all good" or "all bad." The nine BPD traits are not a problem unless they become sufficiently strong to interfere with a person's ability to sustain LTRs. It is because you have the BPD traits (albeit at a low level if your are healthy) that you are able to spot them so easily. This is why I've encouraged you to read more about them.

Our relationship was by no means toxic. We were and still are young, had our problems, and most of the time we were able to resolve them maturely.

Your exGF may not have strong BPD traits. You have to trust your own judgment on this. After dating her for 3 years, you likely know her better than anyone else on the planet. I am not trying to convince you that she is a BPDer. Rather, I am simply trying to point you to online resources where you can get the information you need to make a judgment call. Believe me, there is nothing subtle or nuanced about verbal or physical abuse, inability to trust, inability to control impulses, black-white thinking, projection (blaming), and temper tantrums.

it's just confusing to me as to why she feels the need to drink and party to do so.

You don't need "BPD" to explain the need to sow wild oats when you are only 20, as she is now. If she really has strong BPD traits, however, she would be doing it because she has a terrible emptiness inside and, in attempting to fill that bottomless hole, she may try one thing after another.

She was such a sweet girl before, but when she looks me in the eyes now I feel as if I don't know her, and that hurts a lot.

Not all of the nine traits are equal. Some are more important. If you are not seeing emotional instability, you are not seeing strong BPD traits. The main hallmark of such traits is being emotionally unstable, e.g., adoring someone for two weeks and then, as though a switch has been flipped, suddenly devaluing and abusing him. Then another flip occurs, and the BPDer is back to adoring you.

I feel like such a nut case and I hate it!

It sounds like you are simply experiencing the normal agony of breaking up with a loved one. It is very painful. If you ever start really feeling like you are going crazy, however, that is a strong red flag that you are dating a BPDer. Whereas narcissists and sociopaths will make you feel miserable, they don't make their partners feel crazy. BPDers on the other hand, are notorious for that because the constant alteration between adoration and abusive treatment makes a large share of the partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Edited May 3, 2011 by Downtown

[Still Searching]

No problem. It's easier said than done, for sure, but for me personally, this is my second go-round with it all, and so it's not as tough on me now.

 

Some additional advice is not to jump into another relationship if opportunity presents itself until you are over your ex. Don't try to fill the void you now feel with someone else. It isn't fair to the other person, and trust me, it doesn't work like you think it would. You'll be comparing to your ex and won't be satisfied.

 

If you have your ex on a pedestal right now, get her off of it. It might help to make a list of all the bad/negative things about her, or the relationship in general. Every time you're missing her and wanting to contact her, read that list first.

 

On the same note, make a list of YOUR negative traits and faults. This time is about you, remember? Work on becoming a better person in every aspect.

 

I can't say it enough: focus on YOU right now. I work out 4 nights a week (you said you joined a gym, right?), and try to keep in touch with all of my friends. Keeping busy certainly helps. Some will say spoil yourself, and I guess I won't disagree. I went and bought myself a Harley (maybe a bit drastic, haha), but I look forward to this summer on my bike, with friends at the lake, and just being the best person I can be.

 

Also remember that your ex isn't a bad person. You love her, sure, but the opposite of love isn't hate. When you are indifferent to the thought or sight of her, you're basically home-free. Hating her will only hurt you in that it prevents you from moving on sooner (again, I know you'd rather not move on at all, but right now it's the only choice you have).

 

Take care.

[ramathorne]

Downton:

Thanks yet again for your guidance. I really don't know what to say to it all, because you seem to cover everything so well. I will definitely continue to research BPD's.

 

Still Searching:

I know for sure that I'm not ready for a relationship, that thought hasn't crossed my mind...yet.

 

You're absolutely right. I've had this girl on a pedestal for many years now and it'd time to take her off of it.

 

The working out helps so much! I am by no means overweight or skinny, but I'm not nearly as strong as I thought I was! I leave the gym feeling like a new person every time. Anybody who is reading this and in the same situation, get a gym pass if you don't already have one. Think of it as therapy.

 

I could never hate her. My mother has been telling me, "Hate the sin, love the sinner". I know this isn't even really a sin, but it's true. I hate the situation that I'm in, but I don't hate her. It would have happened someday anyways, and it most likely would have been messy. I know that I left the relationship with my dignity intact. She was happy that we had a civil breakup. She still wants to be "friends", but I know that can't happen. At least not now. As far as moving on, she told me that she is not moving on, but moving forward. I think that it is a good way of thinking about it. Makes it seem less dramatic or something.

 

I'm starting to ramble so I'll stop!

Edited May 3, 2011 by ramathorne

[ramathorne]

Feeling a little bit better. Every day has its ups and downs but with time it is easier to see the problems in the relationship. Hindsight blows. Been missing her quite a bit, but have not contacted her in a couple of weeks. Often wonder if she misses me.

[coltsfan1]

I have stayed current on this thread and I must agree that we all show traits of BPD. I also greatly appreciate all the advice and RAM you should too. I can not give you as much wisdom as some of the others but I can tell you that this is going to be a journey. You will find out who your true friends are and who has your best interests at heart. You will also figure out what kind of man you are going to become. So enjoy the evolution I am sure you will learn a lot about yourself.

[Still Searching]

You will find out who your true friends are and who has your best interests at heart. You will also figure out what kind of man you are going to become. So enjoy the evolution I am sure you will learn a lot about yourself.

 

Too true. Now's the time to figure out who you want to be, if you don't already know, and work towards that. You seem like a decent guy already, but there's always room for improvement.

 

Funny, some of my buddies give me the "be a jerk" speech, saying that's what women want, or that nice guys finish last. May seem true in some cases, but I still feel better knowing I'm a genuinely nice guy. Any girl who doesn't appreciate a nice guy, doesn't deserve one, in my opinion.

 

As for wondering whether or not your ex misses you, don't waste too much time on it. It's not your problem or concern anymore, unless you make it. In my case, I got some confirmation that she sure does, big time, which was an ego boost at first, but really, where did it get me? We aren't going to reconcile, that's for sure.

 

Take care.

[ramathorne]

Rough afternoon..

Got an email from her father telling me that he and her mother will always have a special spot in their hearts for me, and that they miss seeing me. Was very nice and meant a lot to me, but it hurt at the same time. I was extremely close with her whole family. Her brothers, and brother-in-law and I were great friends. I never fully realized that I'm in a sense losing a family here too. Stung pretty bad reading that email.

 

At the same time though, I realize that if she ever brings another guy home that he will have big shoes to fill. I would do things like help her mother cook, mow the lawn, wash the car, crap like that. And not even just to get in their good books- I really loved being around these people. Maybe this is weird for me to think like this, but I know that she is going to have a hard time finding someone else like this. The guys I see her with now are just party animals, and her parents are the no bull**** type.

 

Enough ranting- I feel a lot better

[Downtown]

Ramathorne, thanks for the update. Am glad to hear you are doing as well as you are, even though the afternoon was rough on hearing from the parents.

[ramathorne]

Trying to decide what I should email back, or if I even should. Any thoughts?