Dumped by GF of 3 Yrs

[Downtown]

If it were me, I would write him back, telling him that he and his W have meant a lot to me too and that I really miss them. I would not make any attempts to justify your actions because that would put you in the position of criticizing their daughter -- and nobody knows her failings better than they do if they are emotionally healthy individuals (and, if they are not, they would not believe your criticisms anyway).

 

Because I've been in the father's position, I know how painful it is for the parents because -- just as the D was falling in love with you -- they fell in love with you too. As a parent, you have your heart torn out by losing a young man (or young lady) whom you've been considering a member of the family for three years. And you have absolutely no control over it because your child can dump whomever she chooses to dump. The parents get no vote and, if they protest by defending the young guy, it usually is the kiss of death (she will do the opposite). This is why the parents try not to say too much.

 

Further, I certainly would not mention anything about your suspicions that their daughter may be exhibiting strong BPD traits. At the BPD forums targeted to us Nons, the conventional wisdom is to NOT tell the family of the BPDer because the information will fall on deaf ears and anger them. Moreover, because she is only 20, there is some chance -- though not a lot -- she is a very late bloomer and may get better when she matures.

[ramathorne]

Downtown

 

I've had the email typed up for a few hours, just wanted to re read it a few times. I basically just said that they meant a lot to me, that they're two amazing people (and parents) and that I will always cherish the time spent with them and the fact that they allowed me to be a part of the family. Don't want to post the exact email just in the small chance that they would visit this forum.

 

 

As time goes on I think less about the BPD traits that were shown by her, and more about myself. I screwed up a lot in the 3 years. I almost feel as if I got stuck in the "perfect" high school relationship. I constantly overlooked her faults and told myself that I should just love her for who she was (because I truly did love her) even if these faults would tear me up inside at times. She knew that these kinds of things bothered me, and it would hurt her too. Most of it these things was her under the influence though. Any fight or argument (of significance) that we ever had was because of her drinking. She seemed to not like me when she was drank too much, and would often ignore me or simply just go out of her way to be a b****. She would wake up in the morning most times and absolutely hate herself for what happened the night before, and I was always there in the morning to tell her that it was OK- that I loved her no matter what. I was scared to hurt her.

 

Over time I guess we just became too dependent on each other and she felt she needed to get out. She never did experience the single life (although a lot of the time she acted single while drinking ) I guess now is the time for her to experience that. I already feel like a completely different person after this all. I know that if we were to give "us" another try things would most likely be different, and that kills me. I shouldn't have needed a break up to "wake up", but I can't turn back time. I realize that for a reconciliation to happen both parties need to be willing. I haven't initiated contact with her in two weeks, and am starting to really feel down about this all.

 

This is all so hard, but I know that in my next relationship, whether it be with her or someone else, will have the potential to be much stronger because of this. I already feel stronger for having to put up with this heartache and still live my life. It helps me somewhat to know that all of my friends, and a lot of hers simply don't understand how she can be so careless and happy about this whole situation, but then again when in public, she's usually at the bar- can't make a proper judgement based upon that. We were always the couple that everyone wanted to be like. Girls always told her that they wanted a boyfriend like me. Right now I just want HER to want that.

 

Thank you to anyone that had the patience to read through that rant. Putting your thoughts into words and having other people reflect on them is crazy helpful. So glad I found this site!

[ramathorne]

Got a message from her today telling me how she is impressed with how well I've been doing trying to not strike up a conversation with her every day, because she knows its probably not easy.

 

Kind of pissed me off. More than anything I wanted to reply "Actually it is VERY easy not talking to you everyday", but I didn't say anything. Why would she feel the need to send this crap. Maybe I'm reading in to it too much but still kind of ticks me off. Haven't initiated anything with her in almost 3 weeks, and anything that she says I answer in the least amount of words that I can.

[Downtown]

Ram, thanks for the update. Yes, it was condescending of her to send you a note complimenting you on your ability to stay away from ravishing, glorious creature she is. Is good to hear that you're no longer being her soother, i.e., rushing in to calm her down after she had had yet one more temper tantrum. It is time for her to grow up and learn how to do self soothing. As to the note, it sounds likes you sent a good message back to her parents, both of whom are still so fond of you.

[ramathorne]

Downtown (and anyone else who cares to answer),

 

What do you think her intentions are with this stupid message? To me it feels like she is trying to make sure that I am still having a hard time with this all, because lately I haven't been at all available to her, or anyone close to her.

 

She also messaged my best friend for the first time since the break up right before she sent that to me, just asking how I was doing. It surprised both of us that it took this long because she was always very close with him, and they would talk often.

 

Right now I feel like more than anything she's putting on a huge act. Almost as if she is "testing the waters" of being single. Flirting with other guys, all that crap. I still talk to a few of her close friends (the ones that I know that will keep it between us and not tell her) and they are completely confused by everything that the ex is doing. They feel like she is all about "independence" now, and that she's a different person now. They don't really like it either. From the little that I know about her now, she is acting as if she is having the time of her life. If this is true, why does she care at all about me? Why does she feel the need to say this crap to me? I know that nobody here knows my ex, but what do you guys think?

 

Maybe I'm over thinking everything right now, I don't know. I know that I wasn't thinking about her at all today until I got that message.

[Downtown]

Yes, you are over-thinking. My advice is to focus on staying NC.

[ramathorne]

Yes that's my plan. Just rattles me how I can still allow something so stupid to ruin a good day.

[google_girl]

Google Girl

I have been reading the Doc Love articles on askmen. I'll probably get bashed for this, but does anyone actually think that you can regain the interest of an ex?

 

Why would you get bashed for reading those articles?And if somebody start bashing do you think you cant defend yourself?

I dont know if its allow to post links here.Probably not.I would have posted links otherwise.

now your question can you regain interest level of ex?Well see chances are thin but yes you can.You need to alter your attitude.Dont get angry for pointing out towards faults but i need to,you are acting here like insecure guy.This is big turn off.Read doc loves article about developing cocky and funny attitude and get read of wuss.That works.That works in real.

I cant say if she will come back.But now there is nothing to loose.Why not try then?

[ramathorne]

Google Girl,

 

I didn't mean I'd get bashed for reading the articles, I meant I would probably get bashed for asking if you can regain the interest of an ex!

 

Thanks for the advice!

[ramathorne]

Ex texted me this morning asking me if I am avoiding her. I really don't know what to say. She is the one who said she needed space. She is the one who seems to be having the time of her life. Why does she even care if I AM avoiding her?

 

Do I even say anything?

[Still Searching]

Do I even say anything?

 

NOPE. Don't play into the games. My ex acts like she's having the time of her life, too. She has everyone convinced of it, although when she contacted me, her story was just the opposite ("My life has gone drastically downhill since I left you.")

 

Again, we're in similar situations. They left us, and yet they're contacting us? Screw that. Give them what they wanted: us out of their lives.

[ramathorne]

She wouldn't let up. She starting texting my best friend firing all the questions at him. He basically told her I am avoiding her so that I can get on with my life. She asked him if she should block me on facebook to make it easier for me. He told her that would be stupid of her. A few more stupid questions (which all made her look sort of desperate) were asked by her.

 

Then, out of the blue she says to him "well I hope he doesn't think we're getting back together". My bud is real pissed off at her (for dumping me) and said something to her about me having a few other girls lined up. She just responded with a simple "yeah haha" and texted me again (just a ?).

 

I answered her question (are you avoiding me?) with a simple "no". She told me that it seemed like it was, and that ____ said that I was so that I could get over her and move on.

 

I simple said "why the **** would you ask _____".

Her: Because I was curious and you wouldn't answer me. Are you mad that I asked?

Me: I don't care

Her: Okay!

 

Then I didn't respond. I feel like it is all so juvenile that I am posting all this, but It helps to vent about it. I was having a great day yesterday until she decided to give me a quick mind****. I dreamed about her last night and woke up feeling like *****.

 

It was her decision to leave me. Why does she even think she needs to check up on me. I know she says that "she cares", but F*** that BS. If she cared at all she would have sat me down and explained her feelings to me instead of freaking out at me drunk, making me feel like this whole thing is because of my feelings and not hers.

 

I'm at the point where I'm pissed off at her. I don't love the new her. I don't even like her. If she turned into the type of person she is now when we were together I would have broke up with her.

 

Ahhhh feel better.

[ramathorne]

Was a good day today. Worked all morning (have my own little business going) made some cash, went to the gym for 2 hours with a buddy who is actually going through the exact same thing as me (my ex and his ex are almost best friends and they had been together just as long as we did), and then went for a drive with my best bud.

 

Felt good to be myself today. Made me realize that I have so much going for me. Have a family that loves me, a job that pays 4X what the ex makes:p where I'm my own boss, and a great group of friends.

 

I also ran into her mother today. She was ecstatic to see me, telling me that she missed me and everything, she was even tearing up a little bit when walking away. It was actually really nice and surprisingly, didn't upset me one bit.

 

She texted me again today, asking some stupid question about one of the things I bought her. Sent her a one digit text back, and she replied with an old insider that I used to use to make fun of her. Don't know if she's looking for excuses to keep "friends" or what, nor do I really care.

 

Feel like this thread is turning into one of those "daily update" threads, but it feels great to just talk about myself. I was always concerned about her before and now I can focus on me.

 

Starting to ramble now, if anyone managed to make it this far thanks!

[JasonRules]

Ram,

 

 

Your ex sounds like a tool/airhead with the types of questions she's asking. Why were you with her again?

[ramathorne]

Jason,

 

That's actually funny because she IS an airhead. She would get so defensive when people would call her that. I forgot about that to be honest. I guess I was focusing on the things I like about her too much! She definitely has her blonde moments!

 

She was a person that I really just loved for who she was. She was fun, beautiful, smart, crazy, romantic, all that nice stuff. She had faults, but they never really bothered me. I'm the type of person who doesn't get bent out of shape or pissed off very easily, while she is the exact opposite. In that sense we kind of helped each other out.

 

I can handle and get through the tough times, while she can't. During school she had an extremely difficult first year. Countless nights of her crying because she was so stressed out and uncomfortable with the workload, work being too hard, things like that. I was always there for her to talk to, take her anger out on, whatever she needed to do to feel better. I wanted to be there for her.

 

Nobody ever showed her the patience and care that I showed her. Her parents always told me that they never understood why I had so much patience with her, and how I didn't take off long ago. I simply loved this girl.

 

Now though, she seems as though she is a completely different person...

 

I don't know if that even answers anything lol

[Fedor]

Look, she may have just gotten bored with the relationship. I'm in a similar situation right now. You need to figure out what you truly want. If you dont want this girl, you need cut her out. But, if you still love her, you both need to stop playing games. All this contact back and forth is all mind games. It really messes with people and shouldnt be part of a relationship. Get together and be real about the situation. If then and there you feel like nothing is going to change leave it at that.

[ramathorne]

Fedor

 

I would like her back. But it's not happening unless she wants it as well. Been no games on my end. I don't initiate any contact at all with her. Haven't for 3 weeks.

 

Thanks for the input

[Kodo]

Any way for you to see it as an ego boost to help you feel bettter?

 

Mine doesn't even contact me.. not after the 4 years total we've been together, the 6 years we've known each other and the 15 month stint that just ended. :/

[ramathorne]

Kodo

 

It's actually kind of weird. I get mixed feelings out of it all.

 

It can be an ego boost because I know that she is thinking of me at that point in time, which is nice I guess. At the same time though it is more than likely that she is not thinking of me in the same way that I am thinking of her. Nothing that she says makes me get my hopes up.

 

Parts of her texts to my friend make her look kinda desperate in my opinion, as if she wants as much power as possible in this situation.

 

For example: She asked my friend if I was avoiding her. My friend told her that I was avoiding her to try and get over her quicker. She then asked if she should delete me from Facebook to make it easier for me. Knowing my ex, this is just her trying to upset me more, making me wonder why she would do that. She probably thinks I would cry about it and beg her to take me back etc. Little does she know I already hid her from my news feed and I don't let myself look at her profile.

 

More than likely she is just trying to keep me on the back burner, and that pisses me off. If she decides this was a mistake she may be in for an unpleasant surprise.

 

At the end of the day, she is missing out. She had a guy who would go through great lengths to do anything he could do for her, and she threw that away because she figured she would have more fun without me.

 

Don't get down on yourself for her not contacting you brother. I'm going to look into your story (if you have one) and comment on it.

[Kodo]

Kodo

 

It's actually kind of weird. I get mixed feelings out of it all.

 

It can be an ego boost because I know that she is thinking of me at that point in time, which is nice I guess. At the same time though it is more than likely that she is not thinking of me in the same way that I am thinking of her. Nothing that she says makes me get my hopes up.

 

Parts of her texts to my friend make her look kinda desperate in my opinion, as if she wants as much power as possible in this situation.

 

For example: She asked my friend if I was avoiding her. My friend told her that I was avoiding her to try and get over her quicker. She then asked if she should delete me from Facebook to make it easier for me. Knowing my ex, this is just her trying to upset me more, making me wonder why she would do that. She probably thinks I would cry about it and beg her to take me back etc. Little does she know I already hid her from my news feed and I don't let myself look at her profile.

 

More than likely she is just trying to keep me on the back burner, and that pisses me off. If she decides this was a mistake she may be in for an unpleasant surprise.

 

At the end of the day, she is missing out. She had a guy who would go through great lengths to do anything he could do for her, and she threw that away because she figured she would have more fun without me.

 

Don't get down on yourself for her not contacting you brother. I'm going to look into your story (if you have one) and comment on it.

 

Similar facebook drama to me. I asked a few days ago if she would and she said "why would I, I don't care about facebook anyway". Yet she's been online for hours upon hours each day chatting, posting on friends walls and even playing games by getting friends of hers to add each other to comment on wall posts.

 

She added to that "if you want your privacy you can delete me" and I said "it's not about privacy" and she replied "if you want me to delete you I will OR you can just delete me yourself, I don't really care".

 

So she won't even bother to delte me?

 

I try not to let it get to me. Even her "best friend" has no idea what's going on or why she doesn't try to contact me.

 

Yeah I have two stories really.. this is my second time here. :/

[confused1989]

Hey ramathorne, this story sounds eerily familiar to mine. Actually your first few paragraphs in your first post is almost identical to what happened to me. I also had a night at the bar with my ex, couldn't find her for an hour or two, just figured she'd be dancing with the girls somewhere but she was up on the floor with some guy. I bought her a drink and called her over to me and she came. Few minutes later I was gone to the bathroom, couldn't find her again for 30 minutes and she was up there with the same guy again. Two months after this she's getting messages from him saying "are you gonna give me a chance?" and she never did tell me anything about it. She never knew that I saw this message, and there were times where I watched her approach him at the bar and flirt with him, you know, keep him interested in her I guess. It was heartbreaking and pathetic. And this is only what I saw anyway, there could have been more. Then I saw her in the background of a picture on facebook grinding up a different dude from a different night when I was in studying for an important test.

 

Point is my ex loved being a tease, loved being flirty, and loved attention from other guys. This pissed me off because she was being shady about things such as having a dating site profile, grinding up other guys in front of me but more importantly behind my back, and texting guys she used to date but wouldn't ever mention it to me, it was like I always caught her.

 

Anyway, if your ex is like mine I bet she's very egotistical and thinks a lot of herself. I gave my ex the world and she still said she deserves better. It's a really hard type of person to get over, but you can do it for sure. Know that you are not in it alone. I'm around your age too, and my ex is 21 but she has been a heavy partier since 16 or so. We're in Canada so the legal age is 19 but it didn't slow her down any, she still parties hard, usually Friday night, Saturday night, and she'll go out once or twice during the week too. It's the only time she ever will see her friends, they always have to be drinking and it's annoying and frustrating as a boyfriend sometimes.

 

My ex is also good looking, smart, romantic, all those other things, but she has some serious flaws about her. She called me smothering too but also called me passive so I don't even know what I believe from her.

 

Anyway, point is...... your ex is just like mine, and you sound like me. Hold your head high, I keep getting contact from my ex too but keep ignoring it.

 

I know for a fact my ex was trying to keep me on the back burner so yours might be too. My ex even HID our relationship status on Facebook (only me and her could see that we were in a relationship, no one else could) the night before she went to a huge party (2000 people) with her girlfriends and didn't invite me along. THis was the first indication to me that yes, she's placing me on the back burner and I'm not the best, I'm 2nd, 3rd, or 4th best. It hurt a lot.

 

You're right. She's missing out. Keep doing things for yourself! I will be watching this thread for sure.

 

As for the ego boost comment that Kodo mentioned.... it really isn't always a great thing to be hearing from an ex. I agree with ramathorne, you're hearing from them, but it's never anything important. It really just makes you feel like you're on a leash, it has no significant meaning. I asked my ex not to contact me so I could try to heal after she chose not to work things out with me, so it sucks having to ignore someone after you already ask them not to send messages in the first place.

 

Sometimes I'd rather not hear from her at all.

Edited May 10, 2011 by confused1989

[Fedor]

Can I ask you something? Do you think being to close and relying on eachother to much helped in driving yall apart?

[ramathorne]

Confused:

 

I am also in Canada!

 

The dancing with other guys never bothered me that much when she did it. I'd dance with other girls too, usually her friends. It really only started bothering me when she was dancing with other guys and NOT dancing with me. I would just tell myself "at the end of the night I know she is going home with me" and that was comforting. Was pretty unhealthy though.

 

Your ex does sound a lot like mine. She said that she wanted to take time for herself and think of herself, but in reality she has become infatuated with herself. She thinks that she owns the town now and is just a completely different person.

 

I felt like telling her not to contact me, but I think this would make her feel good about herself. She would find some way to make herself feel good because of it. I'd rather her try to contact me and then wonder why I'm not talking back.

 

I am holding my head higher than ever. Even if I don't feel like I should be. It's extremely reassuring to know that people are going through this at the same time as me. Between the people here on LS and my friends and family, this situation isn't nearly as awful as I first thought it would be.

 

Thanks a lot for replying! It's awesome to hear these stories from other people and have complete strangers trying to help you out, giving unbiased input. Makes the world seem much smaller!

 

 

Fedor

Yes. She felt like we relied on each other too much. I realize because of this break up that couples cannot constantly be in contact with each other. With today's technology, there is no longer any element of surprise in a relationship. It is far too easy today to become clingy and needy. When 2 people know every move that each other makes, things get repetitive and boring fast, often driving 1 person away from the other.

[ramathorne]

Similar facebook drama to me. I asked a few days ago if she would and she said "why would I, I don't care about facebook anyway". Yet she's been online for hours upon hours each day chatting, posting on friends walls and even playing games by getting friends of hers to add each other to comment on wall posts.

 

She added to that "if you want your privacy you can delete me" and I said "it's not about privacy" and she replied "if you want me to delete you I will OR you can just delete me yourself, I don't really care".

 

So she won't even bother to delte me?

 

I try not to let it get to me. Even her "best friend" has no idea what's going on or why she doesn't try to contact me.

 

Yeah I have two stories really.. this is my second time here. :/

 

You can't let her think she has power over you. She seems like that's what she wants. I know my ex liked to make the decisions and be in control of situations (which worked for me because I'm pretty laid back).

 

This is what I try to do:

Any time that she contacts you, walk away from your phone, computer, whatever your means of contact is. Think of the way she would want you to respond (you know her better than anybody), and then don't reply in that manner. Maybe don't even reply. I try to wait at least an hour or two before I reply,because she is used to me being there for her instantly.

 

Don't over think the facebook crap though. Hide her from your newsfeed if you don't want to delete her. It's easy to do and she won't know you did it. Don't create any more drama for yourself, or for her.

 

I hear you on the best friend thing!! My ex's friends and I are very tight. They actually prefer my company right now rather than hers, and have told me that!. In fact I am taking two of them to a movie tomorrow night! Stay close with her friend, but make sure you can trust this person. If you can't trust her not to relay messages back to your ex, you can't confide anything in her. It will only feed your ex's ego because she'll be hearing from this friend. I'm sure you already know this though!

 

Thanks for the insight and for letting me try to give a bit on yours!

[ramathorne]

The old bitch texted me today, asking yet another stupid question.

 

I don't understand why she feels the need to do this! Kind of frustrating. Don't know whether it's best to text her back and be as expressionless as possible or if I should just ignore it.

 

Thoughts?