Still Searching Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 Ignore it. Silence says way more than anything you could text back ever will. Curiosity will be hard to overcome, but try not to give in. Link to post Share on other sites
fetish Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 ramathorne, I feel your pain. Your ex sounds emotionally unstable right now and doesn't sound right to be in a relatonship. She's the one who screwed up, got caught and blamed you. She sounds like she does have personality disorder issues who does things and then tries to deflect the blame off her on to you. She's young too, it's only going to get worse if she doesn't get it treated, which in my opinion she won't right now. These types of people have a hard time accepting responsiblity for their actions. My ex of 8 years was the same way. She was able to hide it for a while until she couldn't anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Yeah I didn't bother responding. I'm not even curious anymore. As time goes on I'm going back and forth between thinking it is simply GIGS and a personality disorder. She is young and she never did experience the "party scene". Not my cup of tea at all. I like to go out drinking with friends, but not 3-5 times a damn week. I'm gonna let her do her thing, and I'll do mine. I can guarantee that in time I will be the happier person. She is living an empty life, spending every dollar she makes on clothes and liquor. Hanging out with douche bag guys whenever she can. I just (today) got approved for a pretty big bank loan. The credit manager at the bank was surprised at how good my credit was at my age (20). I didn't need a cosigner or anything, simply approved. This made me feel pretty good because I know that even in 5-6 years time she wouldn't be able to get that. It might be weird that I thought that, but it made me feel much more mature. Thats my rant for today Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Messaged me this morning saying that she knows I won't/don't want to talk to her, but if I would ever like to talk to her to let her know. What is her deeeeeeeal Link to post Share on other sites
Fedor Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Sounds like she wants to reconnect but doesnt want to swallow her pride and admit it. I would just let it be for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Yeah I'm not responding to any of her crap. I've actually lost track of how long it has been since I initiated anything with her. Feels good! Link to post Share on other sites
kaycstamper Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 NC means NO CONTACT! It means blocking the other person on FB, blocking them on phone/texts, emails, etc. It means telling your family/friends that you do not want them to update you on her if they run into her or hear anything. It means going completely dark and moving on with your life, focusing on YOU instead of HER. This will drive her crazy. But it does two things, it protects you and it helps her see what life is like without you. If she wants you back she will find a way to get in touch and IF you want her back YOU state the terms...she can either come back to you on your terms or keep going. Either way, by that time you will be more indifferent so you'll be okay either way. IF you take her back with new ground rules, it will be hard because you'll both have to rebuild the relationship and it's harder than it is the first time because there's all of this hurt, etc. to deal with. I would consider keeping on moving on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 14, 2011 Author Share Posted May 14, 2011 I had been not responding to any of her crap. She sent me a message thursday night saying that I should at least tell her if I didn't want to talk to her so that she doesn't feel like an idiot texting me with no reply. I didn't reply of course because I figured actions speak louder than words. Her best friend then started texting me getting mad at me because I was ignoring her. She told me that I was rude, immature, and everything else. I basically told her to screw off and that the break up was not my doing. She then told me that the ex was really upset and having a hard time with me not replying to anything. She basically begged me to text her back, so I did. I just said that my phone had been dead the night before so I didn't get the text until that morning. I asked her if there was something she wanted to talk about. She texted back telling me that she just wants to see me, and wants me to know that she still really cares about me and doesn't want me to think otherwise. She said she misses talking to me and she understands how confusing this all is. She told me that she has her good days and her bad days so it is hard for her too (I love how she just assumes that it is hard on me). She said that if I ever want to catch up, let her know. She understands if I don't want to though. I just responded by telling her that I would think about it. I don't understand what is going through her mind anymore. She is the one that wanted to be done with me, and was perfectly ok with dumping me. I don't know if she was just starting to feel out of control with our situation or what. I don't want to see her. I don't want to get hurt again. Why is she making this harder than it has to be? Needed to vent Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 14, 2011 Author Share Posted May 14, 2011 Any thoughts LS'ers? Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted May 14, 2011 Share Posted May 14, 2011 I don't understand what is going through her mind anymore. She is the one that wanted to be done with me, and was perfectly ok with dumping me.Ram, if she has strong BPD traits, what she is doing now is so predictable that the nonBPD partners have given it a name: "hoovering." As I discussed earlier, a BPDer pushes you away because intimacy makes her feel engulfed and suffocated. Yet, after you have backed off for a few days or weeks, a BPDer typically will start sucking you back into the relationship because of her fear of abandonment. This suction is so powerful (including super sweetness and great make-up sex) that the "Nons" named it after the best selling vacuum cleaner (Hoover). Significantly, I am not telling you that she has strong BPD traits. That is for you to decide because you likely know her better than anyone on the planet. All I am saying, then, is that BPD traits can explain a lot of the behavior you've been seeing, including the temper tantrums, low self esteem, and black-white thinking. Even so, you've been so distraught over the breakup that your recollections of her behavior has varied greatly -- from her having many strong BPD traits to her being a basically wonderful person for 3 years who now suddenly has GIGS. Indeed, in one post you were blaming yourself for all the fights. I therefore suggest that you remain NC until your feelings stop bouncing off the walls and you can see more clearly what it was that really happened in your relationship. Jumping back in headfirst is not going to give you that perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 14, 2011 Author Share Posted May 14, 2011 Downtown, Thanks yet again for your valuable input! Her friend basically told me that she has been having an extremely hard time through all this. She has been putting on an act just to try and enjoy life or whatever. I really do not think it is BPD like I did before. The breakup was still fresh and all I could think about were the negatives of our time together. I told her that I need time to think about things. She told me that is fine with her and to let her know when I would like to talk-whether it be a day or a week. I don't want to jump into anything right now. Not even just friendship. I really do feel much better about myself compared to when I started this thread. I don't even really think about us getting back together. I feel like at this point I am making all the right moves for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Well last night was eventful... Was at a house party (just small) and she showed up. It surprisingly wasn't even awkward for me! Everyone there was freaking out but I just kept my cool and smiled at her as she walked by. She wasn't there 20 minutes until she came up to me, pulled me aside, and asked if she could talk to me. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I did. She took me into a room where we were by ourselves and she started talking. She told me that this last week has been killing her, that she has never felt so crappy in all her life. She didn't know what was going through her head the couple of weeks following the breakup where she partied and drank like it was going out of style. She said that this whole week she just wanted to get in touch with me more than anything, and it killed her that she couldn't. She explained to me how right after she broke up with me, she pushed everything aside and didn't deal with the situation. She said that it didn't hit her until the start of this week. She was crying and everything. She said that she couldn't believe how strong I was. She was amazed at how I could sit there and listen to her after all she did to me. She wanted to hug me more than anything, but said she couldn't do it because she didn't want to screw up any progress I made. I grabbed her, sat her on my lap, and she buried her head into my shoulders and cried, hugging me tighter than ever before. I didn't really know what to think. I told her that everything was going to be fine. We talked for a little while longer, and then left the room. By the time we were done talking or whatever, the party was pretty much empty. Everyone left to the bar. My friends had vanished, so I was just there with her and a few of her friends (who I am close with). We walked to the pub, and it wasn't weird at all. I just acted normal and she really seemed to be enjoying being with me. When we got to the bar we went our separate ways. I was dancin with a bunch of girls that I know and I kept seeing her watching me. About 15 minutes before closing time she walked up to me and gave me a big smile. We went and had a drink and just chatted until closing. She still wanted to talk to me, so we went for a walk. We found a place where we could sit down and we talked for about an hour. She told me things like how a couple of her guy friends tried to hook up with her, but she was disgusted by it. She told me how her parents told her that she is not the same person anymore, and how she even noticed. She is not happy, skipping and singing around the house like she normally would be. Things like that. After talking for about an hour I told her we should probably get home. I offered to walk her home (about 15 minutes). During the walk she held on to my arm the whole time. When we got to her house, she didn't want me to go. I stayed a little while longer and we just kept talking. When I left, she gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek twice. She messaged me today telling me that I am an amazing person, and that she hopes she didn't make things harder on me. It feels good to hear that from her, but I don't know where she is coming from so I can't jump to conclusions or create hope. I never thought the day would come where I was the strong one and she was the weak one, and neither did she. It felt good. I felt attractive and confident. She was the one doing a lot of the question asking and talking. She was telling me about her problems and about how much she misses me. I feel like I left a lot out. There was a lot of things said during the night, and I was so caught of guard buy it all that It seems kinda like a blur Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Any insight? Link to post Share on other sites
fetish Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 my insight: in her eyes, you've manned up and she's finding that extremely desireable. I think she's really beginning to regret her decision. You played it cool alright, actually smooth. You let her do most of the talking. It was pretty obvious that she got jealous when she saw you dancing with the other girls, probably so jealous that she'd tell a story of guys trying to hit on her but it disgusted her?.... Woman please! She definitely wants to see if she has your heart but seems terribly confused right now. I would just be extremely careful before just jumping back in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Ram, I share Fetish's advice about being very cautious before jumping back into the relationship. But you already know to do that. You sure did great at the party. Very smooth! Very controlled! Ram, you're the man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Fetish and Downtown: Thank you both for the kind words! I didn't know if it was wrong of me to do what I did, or if that made me a weaker person or what. I really care for this girl. I'm seeing the sweet, loving girl that I fell in love with. I'm kind of scared to be hurt again though. Mixed feelings for sure! One thing that stuck out for me was she told me that "If we were to get back together right now, I feel like it would be out of loneliness". I told her that she may be lonely, but I'm not. I know that for the next little while I will be thinking of things that were said that I couldn't think of when making that long post, so the list will probably get longer! Just gonna take it day by day I guess! She has been messaging me today just talking, constantly thanking me for last night, telling me that I'm amazing, and asking if she made it harder on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Well we went for a drive tonight. It was kind of weird because it wasn't awkward at all. She seemed very happy to see me. I'll just give the highlight reel. She told me that she doesn't want me to think we are getting back together because of our talk the other night. I simply told her that I don't want to anyways. She asked me why, and I told her that if I was to get back together with her it could not be all of a sudden. I wouldn't want to rush into anything with her. She seemed to agree. She told me about all the things that she misses about me. I never in my wildest dreams thought there would be that many things! She told me all the songs she listens to and how she can't help but think of me, how she looks through things that I have given her over the years, how she looks through pictures, etc. People may say that she is just trying to keep me on the back burner, but I can tell when she is being truthful. She told me that the biggest thing for her with the breakup was that she simply felt that we get out of the cycle we were in, where everything was planned out. She said it scared her to have the future planned out right now. I told her that I agreed completely. I told her about how we definitely needed the breakup because it helped me to realize a lot about myself. I told her that I feel like a much stronger, better person because of the whole thing. She told me that she could see it, and the she liked it. I don't want to bore people with all the details, but that was a lot of it! I find it hard to remember everything after these situations! Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Ram, thanks for the update. At issue is whether she is a stable, healthy young woman who is recovering quickly from GIGS and sowing her oats -- or, instead, a BPDer who has simply flipped from splitting you black to splitting you white again. In the several weeks we've been discussing that distinction, the answer has always eluded you. I therefore am pleased to see you cautiously collecting more information about her. I didn't know if it was wrong of me to do what I did, or if that made me a weaker person or what?Ram, given these choices, I believe the answer is "what." Clearly, you are a lot stronger this week than last. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Downtown, Thanks again for the kindness! She seems very stable through all this. She told me that the few weeks after the breakup, she felt relieved. She had the chance to do whatever she wanted with her friends, whenever she wanted. She told me that now she is just finally having to deal with the missing me and such. I don't know if this is any indication of a possible reconciliation or what. I'm not getting my hopes up. Whenever I dropped her back off at home, she gave me a big hug. I kissed her on the cheek (just automatically, I didn't even think about it). I quickly told her that I hoped it wasn't weird that I did that. She told me that for her it was comforting, and that I shouldn't regret it. I really do feel much stronger! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Bachelor, Thanks a lot for the kindness. The thing that is weird about her though is that she never opened up to anybody like she did for me, and she knows that. She would go to me before her best friend of 15 yrs. She did it on saturday night. She knows that her family would give her the support she needs, she just feels more comfortable with me. Maybe that makes me a sucker IDK, but I feel like I should be there for her. This break up has already taught me so much about myself. I am so much stronger and independent than before. Even she could tell that I was. I lost basically all of my body fat, I just feel very refreshed. She told me last night that the future holds a lot of uncertainty and she's ok with that. All she really wants is for me and her to be happy. I know that she's not ok with uncertainty though. She never was. As soon as she felt like she was losing me in her life she realized she didn't want that. Something I noticed last night that surprised me was that she was wearing the first necklace I ever gave her. It was a heart shaped necklace covered in diamonds that I gave to her on our first christmas together. I also noticed that she was wearing her hair the way she did when we first started going out. I always loved the way she looked that way, and she hadn't worn her hair like that in probably two years. I commented on it, and she told me she always loved how I noticed the little things that nobody else did. My feelings towards her have changed. I no longer love her in the same "puppy love" that it was before. More than anything, I just want to start fresh with her. I don't know if that is possible though Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 tread carefully Dude! Something doesn't feel right to me here. I feel like you're being put in the friend zone. OR you are just filling a void until someone else comes along. I'd watch it if I were you. If she can't dedicate herself to reconciliation, the I would strongly suggest distancing yourself from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 You're right, It almost seems like she wants to reconcile, but she is scared to or something. I don't know. She asked me last night if I would just take her back in a heartbeat (everyone has been telling her I would). I told her that no I would not. I wouldn't just jump back into things. She told me that she knew that. I don't know why she would ask that but maybe somebody will be able to comment. She knows that we have a special connection, she has made that quite clear. She always comments on how she knows me better than anybody else and I know her better than anybody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Feel like I want to reach out to her, explain why the relationship could work. I know that this is stuff she has to realize on her own though (if she ever does). I know that somebody cannot have this sort of thing forced upon them. I just feel such a strong vibe between us and I want to act on it. Felt like it was better to post here than to message her. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedor Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Is smart to jump right back in? Probably not. But, as I have read through your situation, it always seemed like she had feelings for you after the break up. If I was in your shoes, I wouldnt rush but sometimes you got to take chances on the things you want. If you see a chance, take it and seize it. I hope this makes sense.lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Haha yes you do make sense. I just have to make sure that I'm not looking too hard for a chance. I kind of want to ask her what her feelings are towards me, but I feel like I shouldn't. She tells me that we are not getting back together, and after the break up that she is not in love with me. Yet her actions are saying that she cares for me as more than friends. She told me that I'm the best person she's ever known constantly. I called her out as to why she acted like she had more than friends feelings for me and all she could say was that she was sorry and that she hoped it didn't make me feel worse. I feel like we have such a strong connection that it would simply be a waste to just lose contact with each other.She told me that she simply can not lose me in her life, but I wouldn't be able to deal with being her friend. The only options for me are try to reconcile or we move on without each other. I just don't know if I should wait to discuss this with her or not. Man this **** is confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
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