neill32 Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I just wanted to touch on a few of Downtown's comments, coming from my own personal experiences. The "caregiver" topic hits home in a big way, as just last week my counselor was able to get me to see that that is the exact role I was in. We lasted as long as we did because we both thrived off of each other, her needing me, and me feeling I had a purpose (to guide, help, support, direct her). She wasn't with me simply because she loved me (although I know she did), she was also there bcause she felt she NEEDED me. My counselor described it as a parent/child relationship, and said that eventually the adult in the "child" role more or less reverts back to adolescence. This seems to be the case with my ex, as she's certainly exhibiting the decision-making skills and behavior of a young teenager. The "parent" also gets tired of constantly trying to steer the child in the right direction. In my case, the more I tried to prevent her from making major mistakes, the more she resented me and felt I was controlling, or that I didn't accept her for her and approve of anything she did. She wanted her freedom, and now has it, and it's obvious that she doesn't know how to handle it. I couldn't agree more with Downtown in that we must be careful of the type of women we enter a relationship with. It's all too easy to fall back into the familiar role we've been living for so long. What still searchings says here reflects what my feelings are, after my gf called it of after 3.5 years. Its true what people say, just by seeing what others are going through can help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Well last night we talked some. Not about "us" or anything. This girl loves listening to music. She was telling me all her favorite songs atm, and everyone of them was about love pretty much (all country). They're songs that she says remind her of me. I really don't know what is going on here. I feel like she may just be "friend zoning" me, but I also feel like she kind of wants to "get to know each other" again. She can't go a day without talking to me (since the weekend). She is acting like more than friends. I don't know. Pretty soon I'm going to have to put the questions to her, just see where it goes for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Still Searching Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Ram, Sorry I haven't been on in awhile, but I'd just like to say that I feel like I've been reading my own story! I won't hi-jack your thread, and will update my own later on, but I am going through almost the EXACT same stuff as you right now, and like you, am taking the same precautions and taking things very slow, as I haven't ruled out the BPD idea yet. Thanks to Downtown and everyone else for the insight, as I'd imagine your thoughts to be the exact same if reading through my experiences as of the last week or two. Oh, and Neill, glad my insight was helpful! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ramathorne Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Good to hear from you again! It's pretty crazy going through this now isn't it? Looking back on how I felt before it is hard to believe how far I have come. No more crying or any of that BS. NC was the best thing that happened to me! You feel the same? Look forward to hearing what's been happening with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Yeah, your right! You need to ask her what's going on! Are you two starting over again or is she just trying to put you in the friend zone?!?! Time to figure out if the bandaid comes off fast or is she pulling it off slowly! If she tell you, "she doesn't know." Or if "She still confused." Then I would tell her to call you when she has it all figured out. Link to post Share on other sites
Still Searching Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Good to hear from you again! It's pretty crazy going through this now isn't it? Looking back on how I felt before it is hard to believe how far I have come. No more crying or any of that BS. NC was the best thing that happened to me! You feel the same? Look forward to hearing what's been happening with you! Crazy is an understatement! You're right though, in seeing my ex, I was calm, cool, and collected; nothing phased me or bothered me, even after she left. I've been hearing much of the same out of my ex's mouth, and yeah, it's an ego boost, but I really didn't need it. I feel great about myself whether or not she'd come back into contact or not. I initiated NC for my own well being, not as a tool to get her back, but in both our cases, that seems to have been a side effect. By walking away with our dignity, we left them with a much better image of us than if we'd continued to contact them. Now, the ball is in our court, and it's up to us to decide whether or not we even want another chance with them. It does feel great knowing that if I get back with her, it's because I simply want to, not because I'm filling a void or feel I need to. I'm proceeding with great caution though, for now. Link to post Share on other sites
fetish Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 my gf tried doing that. she wanted to start over 3 weeks after our break up after she moved out of the apartment and everything. She said we could be in a relationship, but have our own places. I didn't agree to that because i wasn't ready. We were engaged for 2 years. She walked out from her desire to be "Free". I'm not just going to be put back in at her convienience 2nd to nothing. I hope you're paying attention to what your girl's motives are. I'm going through the same things. I'm not ready for her to be out of my life completely, but i don't want to be her backup plan either. I respect myself too much for that. Link to post Share on other sites
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