jazzychick Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Hi everyone, I am new at this, and I'm not sure if I am even in the right place. I have this problem that maybe someone on here can give me advise. I'm a sophmore in high school, and I've had this boy who has had a crush on me since I was in the 8th grade. He's not really my type and he's been asking me out for about 3 years now. Everytime I've told him no, but he continues to write love letters, songs, poems, and stuff. I can't get a boyfriend because he's always around, and when I do have a boyfriend he still asks me out! Well he has recently asked me to the prom and I don't want to go with him. All my friends say that I shouldn't go with him because I would "lead him on" or make him think he has a chance with me. The problem is, I have to be careful what I say, because he has tried to commit sucide several times. I feel so guilty not going with him, he says he only wants to dance once. Sorry if I talk a lot, I could probably go on for hours. But does anyone know how I could tell him that I really don't want to prom with him or out with him period without cause something that somebody will regret later?? Thanks for your time, ~JaZzyChICk~ Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 You don't need this in your life. Tell him to cease contact with you, find another girl, etc., Schools almost always have a (sexual) harrassment rule in their handbook, so see if the love letters, etc., being unwanted advances, could perhaps get him a warning from the administration. The goal is to be left alone, don't feel selfish that you're looking out for yourself, he needs to see that his actions are self-destructive, and you need to take action before it turns into something unhealthy for both of you. I've had similar problems with friends, or even not-so-friends, threatening suicide to extort you into doing something for them. They'll never be grateful for it, but the best thing you can do for them is get them help. Do it as a concerned human being, not as his girlfriend. Go to a school counsellor, and make sure they know the seriousness of a suicide threat. If you smell incompetence, call a suicide helpline, go to a religious official--someone in a position of authority. Then, wash your hands, let him deal with his issues with the professional. Link to post Share on other sites
guccigirl Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Hi, I feel for you. I have one of these in my life. over ten years and he wont leave me alone. always telling me he loves me an we are meant to be together. thre truth is he makes me ill. the thought of being with him issikcening to me. but he ownt stop. I dotn really tlak to him cause it always ended upt eh same conversation and i was sick of it. i tried to be nice about it for years, but one day i couldnt take it anymore and i told him that he physicaly repulses. he still doesnt care. just try to ignore him. your almost out of school. go to college far away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jazzychick Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 Hi everyone, Thank you, I am glad that there are some people out there that have good advise for me. Well everyone knows that he is sucidal and now that he keeps threatening this stuff but never does it, they kinda ignore it. His latest thing he has done was put slashes on his arm with a needle and told me that this was for every person that he has ever hurt and that there were a few of the marks for me. I'm 16 years old! Do I really deserve this in my life?? He has really changed my life, my grades have fell slightly, I cry all the time, I've thought about sucide myself for a while. I feel so helpless, because all my friends and all the people I talk to think they know what goes on and how I feel and they think they can give me good advise. They can't. I am very shy about telling somebody something like this. I have tried to tell him no and tried to tell him that he has hurt me, its very hard for me. I have decided that I am going to write him a letter telling him everything that he has done to me. I hope its the right thing to do.... I'm just not really sure how to word it.... does that sound dumb? It does to me, haha well I just stink at this big time. Thanks, ~JazZYcHicK~ Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 The letter is not a good idea. You need to talk with him, and if he maintains delusion, seek the help of a counselor, it's why the school pays them. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Absolutely do not write to him. It is probably no good to talk to him, either. Sit the counsellor down and tell him or her everything you've told us. This boy is showing disordered behaviour and needs to see a physician and to have some professional help. You're not going to be able to help him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 The letter is not a good idea. It may not seem like it, but a letter would be leading him on. ANY attention you give this guy will make him think that you care for him (even if you do care for only his well-being) And I think you need to talk to the counselor as well. You are being negatively affected by this guy - and I've thought about sucide myself for a while. Don't think of it, don't act on it, don't do anything to yourself! This guy is driving you crazy. You need to get him off your back. You've been polite, now just do what you have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jazzychick Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 yeah somebody told me to just go up to him and tell him that I hated him. Well I kinda ran through my head how I would tell him that he was ruining my life. Of course I chickened out. I can't do it, I am awful at this stuff, I get really nervous and just kinda run the opposite direction. Someone else told me that if I wasn't so nice to him that he wouldn't like me so much. Thats another one of my problems, I am to nice to people Everytime he (or anyone for that matter) comes up to me to tell me something he saw or something he did on the internet, (he is a huge geek) I just kinda smile and nod my head and pretend that I am interested. But I am trying to come up with the courage to confront him and tell him how I feel. ooooo y is this soo hard??!!??!! ~JaZZchiCK~ Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 See, the thing is, you can't tell him. He. doesn't. get. it. Talk to an authority figure - i.e. principal, counselor, teacher, parent. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Neither confronting him nor being nice will change him. This about him. It's his problem and he needs help. The counsellor and his parents may not be aware of how troubled he is. You may save his life (or somebody else's) which is why you have to talk to the counsellor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jazzychick Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 I think I'll try talking to a councler, if I can get the courage to do it. I'm not one to really tell everyone and their brother about my problems and it took me a lot to do this, but.....I'll try. ~JazZYcHicK~ Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 If you feel uncomfortable talking about it, print this out for your counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jazzychick Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 thats a very good idea, thanks, I think I'll do that. ~JAzzYChICK~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author jazzychick Posted April 10, 2004 Author Share Posted April 10, 2004 What the HECK?!?!?!?! oooo I am soooo mad!!!! First off, he knows that he is not one of my favorite people but he still is all over me. He just called me to "just talk" Man I hate it when he calls me. I guess I didn't sound to cheery, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him nothin but he didn't buy that. Then all of a sudden he starts telling me that its all my fault that he is bothering me, he's yelling at me and saying crap like if I would have just told him that nothing could EVER EVER happen between us the first time he asked me out that he wouldn't be bothering me right now. Did I miss something? I thought that I made it clear the hundreds of times that he asked me out that nothing could EVER EVER happen between us. And then he has the nerve to ask me if I made up mind on if I want to go to prom with him or not!!!!!! I couldn't talk through all my anger tears so I just hung up on him. Is this my fault? I mean why is he turning this on me, I didn't do anything wrong, all I have been is nice to him.........ooooooI want to punch him soooo bad!!!!! man just give me 2 minutes in a room with him and let me beat the snot out of him and I would feel a lot better..... ~JaZzYChiCK~ Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Stop. Contact. With. Him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jazzychick Posted April 10, 2004 Author Share Posted April 10, 2004 I want to thank all of you. You all have given me some really good advice. I will talk to our school councelr first thing Monday. I will probably print this conversation and show it to her. I hope this works, I don't think I can handle this much longer. But I have kinda attempted to stop contact with him, like I blocked him on MSN, and won't answer the phone when he calls. I am glad that I found this site. And again thank you all very very much. ~JaZzYChICk~ Link to post Share on other sites
Heartfelt Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Originally posted by jazzychick What the HECK?!?!?!?! oooo I am soooo mad!!!! First off, he knows that he is not one of my favorite people but he still is all over me. He just called me to "just talk" Man I hate it when he calls me. I guess I didn't sound to cheery, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him nothin but he didn't buy that. Then all of a sudden he starts telling me that its all my fault that he is bothering me, he's yelling at me and saying crap like if I would have just told him that nothing could EVER EVER happen between us the first time he asked me out that he wouldn't be bothering me right now. Did I miss something? I thought that I made it clear the hundreds of times that he asked me out that nothing could EVER EVER happen between us. And then he has the nerve to ask me if I made up mind on if I want to go to prom with him or not!!!!!! I couldn't talk through all my anger tears so I just hung up on him. Is this my fault? I mean why is he turning this on me, I didn't do anything wrong, all I have been is nice to him.........ooooooI want to punch him soooo bad!!!!! man just give me 2 minutes in a room with him and let me beat the snot out of him and I would feel a lot better..... ~JaZzYChiCK~ For crying out loud, STOP obssessing about him! Are you in love with this guy? No! Does he repulse you? Ya! Get a restraining order on him! Sorry for being so brash, but you are allowing him to manipulate you. That stops NOW! When he comes up to you, you need to tell him in an angry way "Get the hell away from me you psycho! You're a FREAK and I'm not having anything to do with you!" And stop crying about it. He's the one messed up, and you're allowing him to drag you into his dark world. Seriously, call the law, get a restraining order, communicate this to his parents/guardians, your parents, and tell the school principle and other friends of yours about this moron. I'm sure you have a guy friend whose willing to set him straight too. I had to do that few times with female friends of mine back when I was in school. I'm not saying cause a fight, but most guys will respond to another guy telling him nicely that he needs to leave a certain someone alone. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 you need to tell him in an angry way "Get the hell away from me you psycho! You're a FREAK and I'm not having anything to do with you!" That won't likely work. Get a restraining order on him! They're in high school, for heaven's sakes. I'm sure you have a guy friend whose willing to set him straight too Really not productive advice. She's been given the best advice possible, which is to tell a responsible adult who can take appropriate measures on her behalf. Confrontation is often EXTREMELY unwise in situations like this and, IMHO, it is irresponsible to suggest it. Link to post Share on other sites
Heartfelt Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme you need to tell him in an angry way "Get the hell away from me you psycho! You're a FREAK and I'm not having anything to do with you!" That won't likely work. Get a restraining order on him! They're in high school, for heaven's sakes. I'm sure you have a guy friend whose willing to set him straight too Really not productive advice. She's been given the best advice possible, which is to tell a responsible adult who can take appropriate measures on her behalf. Confrontation is often EXTREMELY unwise in situations like this and, IMHO, it is irresponsible to suggest it. Ya you're right. I just hate seeing her or anyone get treated like that. Even though they go to the same school, can't something be done to keep him away from her outside of school? That's what I was talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 If the counsellor's any good s/he will make sure this boy's dealt with properly since most of the contact does seem to take place elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 He will not understand if you tell him, you need to go to the school, or your parents. He has issues and he is going to interpret every action you take towards him wrong. You can't be worried about the consequence he deserves what he gets, depending on the school he will either be put in counselling or suspended. Link to post Share on other sites
pinkroses Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I just got through reading a book that I highly recommend, "The Gift of Fear". If this boy doesn't get some help he could end up becoming a stalker, if he isn't already, or homicidal. Just reading about his relentless infatuation with you gave me the creeps. This isn't something to take lightly. You've already told him you aren't interested and you've tried to be nice so now it's time to get some help, like others have mentioned, from a school counselor or a professional of some kind. It's time to forget worrying about hurting his feelings or trying to convince him what he's doing is unwanted and wrong. If he calls, hang up immediately. Don't even allow him to talk to you in person. Hopefully the lack of reinforcement will cool off the fantasy he is carrying but if not you will have to treat this as a form of harrassment. And certainly, DON'T go to the prom with him. He says he only wants one dance, but one dance would give him fantasies about more dances, and about more contact. It may be hard, but you'll have to close off your sympathy. You don't owe him a dance. It's what you are comfortable with and what you want that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jazzychick Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 I want to thank you pinkroses, I know that it is not something to take lightly, and from now on I'm not going to. I don't have much time, but I just wanted to thank you all for your advice, and I might check into that book. thanks, ~JazZYcHicK~ Link to post Share on other sites
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