daisy love Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Some affairs work out. Not hard at all. Happy for affairs happening.... Link to post Share on other sites
siuys Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair? It's not really about admitting that some affairs work out or if someone is happy in an A. If it works out, or you are happy in one, then great. As you no doubt know from LS, most As do not work out, cause a lot of pain and confusion, hence all the discussions and people seeking support or try to understand what is going on. Unfortunately, the vast majority do not work out, and most are not happy in an A. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair? It isn't. Some A's do work out. Why, has he filed for D? Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair? Because affairs never work out, and it's a situation that is the complete opposite of happiness. Screwing someone's wife or husband does not display happiness, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Because affairs never work out, and it's a situation that is the complete opposite of happiness. Screwing someone's wife or husband does not display happiness, sorry. Mine did. For everyone that matters - the kids are doing so much better now, are leading happy, normal lives, finally. His family are thrilled - they've regained their son / brother, the family is close once more and we enjoy spending time together at every opportunity. His colleagues are relieved - he's a happy, productive member of the department, helping junior members and demonstrating leadership and insight through challenging times. Friends are ecstatic - he's relaxed and happy, socially sparkling and a joy to have around, he's reliable and dependable and emotionally available. He's positive, fulfilled, firing on all cylinders and deeply connected to friends, family, the environment. I'm happy, each moment. And I don't believe his xW is any more unhappy than she was before. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 There are mainly four types of posts here: 1. Those seeking advice. 2. Those giving advice. 3. Those seeking cheer leading. 4. Cheer leading. 3 and 4 are like taking a Xanax to get you through the night. When you wake up the next morning, nothing has changed. Speaking from many years experience reading this forum, this is probably not the best place to get a Xanax. Of course some affairs work out. I've seen too many stories here, and I've seen it happen in my own life. But the truth is that many, probably the majority, don't. And turning a blind eye to either reality is setting yourself up for a hard fall. Most people here that give advice do so based on their own life experiences. Mostly they're just trying to be helpful. Very rarely is someone trying to be "mean". Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 There are mainly four types of posts here: 1. Those seeking advice. 2. Those giving advice. 3. Those seeking cheer leading. 4. Cheer leading. 3 and 4 are like taking a Xanax to get you through the night. When you wake up the next morning, nothing has changed. Speaking from many years experience reading this forum, this is probably not the best place to get a Xanax. Of course some affairs work out. I've seen too many stories here, and I've seen it happen in my own life. But the truth is that many, probably the majority, don't. And turning a blind eye to either reality is setting yourself up for a hard fall. Most people here that give advice do so based on their own life experiences. Mostly they're just trying to be helpful. Very rarely is someone trying to be "mean". Very true. Look Daisy - being in an affair is like playing the slot machines. Sure, some people - very few - have hit the jackpot, most don't though its up to you if you want to play. At first its fun, you win a little, you lose a little, you get a rush from it all... then just when you're about to run out: ****birrrirarring**** you get a few more quarters that encourage you to keep playing. If you have fun doing that - go for it There's a slim chance you could win BIG but there's a bigger chance that you will find yourself spent, broke and feeling kinda defeated. Playing sure can be fun, and those little tidbits you get right when you're almost gonna call it in, sure are encouraging...but you need to watch out how much of yourself you're investing and be aware of how much you're getting back. That's all. If you're happy, good, be happy, I hope you win the jackpot! But be careful not to wound up broke and feeling defeated. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair? What's hard is someone actually thinking they are treasured by being kept in the closet. There should be no boundaries on love. If you love someone you want to be with them no matter the cost. Even if that cost is emotional or financial. I am some what happy for those who find a partner they can sexually get gratification from. That's sex and sex alone. No emotions. In life some people need their outlets and it flips the bill. The problem with that though is you can't help but be connected to someone. So eventually those emotions will come to the surface. Daisy it's ok to be in love. I know many frown on the idea because it's an affair. In the end love is love. I know many women like to say "She/He stole my man/woman"... You can't steal a man/woman. No such thing. Human beings are not objects that can be stuffed in a pocket and taken out of a room. The people involved have to be willing participants. The only thing most of us do here is to help those seeking more than just sexual relations to know what their worth. In the end I think that's many posters goal here. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair?Because affairs hurt people. Because your happiness should not come at the expense of someone else's. Because, as someone else said, affairs are a piss poor way to start a relationship. Need I continue? Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 As you no doubt know from LS, most As do not work out, cause a lot of pain and confusion, hence all the discussions and people seeking support or try to understand what is going on. Not a good sample. People come to LS because they feel the need to talk to someone about their A - meaning there is some issue or conflict involved. Those who don't have issues, problems, concerns or conflict don't typically come here to talk about how great everything is. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 I know 2 people off the top of my head that have very successful marriages - for many years I might add, that began as affairs. Even their respective spouses that they cheated on say they are better off now than they were then. (& are happier) So - see. Yes. They work out & people do admit they work out. Obviously not every single one does. That's what makes the world go-round. We're not all alike. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair? Personally, I have no problem admitting that some affairs work out. Here you go: Some affairs work out. As far as being "happy" that an affair worked out, I guess I would have to take all things in consideration before I could truly feel that emotion. I would have a hard time being "happy" for anything that causes pain to others. My question to you: Why is it so important to you that strangers on an internet forum be happy about affairs that "work out"? You seem to be quite obsessed with convincing everyone that we should all be "happy" about it. I just don't get why you care so much. If you are happy, isn't that enough? Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 My question to you: Why is it so important to you that strangers on an internet forum be happy about affairs that "work out"? You seem to be quite obsessed with convincing everyone that we should all be "happy" about it. I just don't get why you care so much. If you are happy, isn't that enough? Great question! Exactly what I've been wondering. She cares way too much what everyone thinks of her. She's on a quest to convince LS that affairs can work out when hers hasn't even worked out! And when everyone knows affairs can 'work out' but most including hers probably won't. Makes no sense. It's just ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
Rose1977 Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Daisy, if you think the people at LS are not representive of society and that we are a bunch of bitter naysayers who cannot be happy for people in love, why don't you take stock of your personal life? Do your friends, family and coworkers celebrate your love? Does everyone in your personal life constantly tell you how lucky you are and what a wonderful man you have? My guess would be no or else you wouldn't be here seeking validation so desperately. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair? They are a means to an end for some cowardly people to be sure. But...can you admit that you are an enabling accompliss to this man to steal time,trust,love and sex from his wife. That if the shoe was on the other foot,would you consider YOUR husband cheating on you and betraying your trust to be "happy" and "working out" for you? Since when are affairs the best way to resolve marital discontent? It's hard to be happy for someone in an affair when the reality is,it's anti-social. I can only speak from the perspective of actually leaving my marriage over thoughts about a MM( I did not allow it to become sexual until AFTER I had separated and even then,because of the anti-social I was in love with,it mattered not,I was never going to be respected enough to be important enough to mention nor was his wife valued enough to be informed) and refusing to patronize my husband by denying those feelings and lying to him. I completely understand marital misery that can sometimes lead to considering alternatives....what I see no point in is stringing both parties on,cake eating and triangulating people so that one doesn't have to commit to anyone or anything! So....sure....if both parties can lose thier consciences,morals and ethics integrity and can't find thier spines...it is more than possible to imagine affairs working out as long as the main players hold all the truth cards....what's the big deal? My xMM used to say,Lie and Deny. He also admitted to being wired wrong! Told me I had the GUTS to follow my heart and be honest to those who mattered in my life, and the ability to willingly and shamlessly pay the consequences of my feelings and you know what? I am not into lying p*ssies without hearts...so...happiness for me was when it didn't work out. What does "WORKING OUT" mean to you Daisylove? What needs does this fulfuill in your life besides that you both have commitment/abandonment issues,that he gives you gifts and amazing(forbidden) sex at his convienience and that you feel as though you as so special that you are worth cheating on his wife over.Lucky you found yourself a real stand up guy.Does he at least admit that he still has sex with her or does he lie about that too?Has he promised you anything beyond instant gratification? Highly unlikely. Bottom line....if he LOVED you he'd BE with you IRL not being closed doors hidden and forbidden.If that is happiness to you......so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
FieldFlower Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Not a good sample. People come to LS because they feel the need to talk to someone about their A - meaning there is some issue or conflict involved. Those who don't have issues, problems, concerns or conflict don't typically come here to talk about how great everything is. ...or we lurk, and read because we are too embarrrassed, humilated, and heartbroken to post anything because it hasn't reached the point that it hurts worse to suck it up , then to let it out. Just sayin. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Not to pull you out, just thought this was good to debate and your post spoke to an area that I have been trying to communicate, but did not have the words prior. In reading your post, and many others that basically say the same...I sat back and thought of all of the dishonest things we all do in one day and don't realise it, also being a co-contributer to dishonesty...most of which is done by turning a blind eye...as an example: I get in my car and go to the gas station, leave the gas station and go grocery shopping and then go home. Did "I" do anything in particular that was dishonest, possibly not..I obeyed every road law, I was gracious concerning lines in the store and gas station...BUT, what about the "gas" that I put in my car???? We all know that there is a lot of dishonesty concerning oil. The groceries...somewhere down the line someone was "dishonest" concerning the manufaturing, growing process, what ever. I am a co-contributor to dishonesty if I purchase that product. I didn't even mention pharmaceuticals, now there is a real biggy IMO. The carpenters/builders that built the house you live in, whether rented or owned...there was some dishonesty somewhere along the line. The list is never ending. It is because of the above mentioned, that I do not understand what the difference is...a lie is a lie. Period. We are all co-contributors ...but why is one ok and one isn't? The difference is if you put it in my face and I see it, don't expect me to cover for you or better yet, not protect someone else that you are screwing over. The OP used the title "naysayers" her prerogative, but it is each person's prerogative to do what they feel is right for their lives(as has been said her too many times to count). Saying something about what they find offensive is equally as valid as those who do things that may be against the norms for what they term love. Living your life with the conscious choice of integrity and using gas that changes dozens of hands before it gets to you is not the same as crapping on someone else's life and labeling them both lies. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 The difference is if you put it in my face and I see it, don't expect me to cover for you or better yet, not protect someone else that you are screwing over. The OP used the title "naysayers" her prerogative, but it is each person's prerogative to do what they feel is right for their lives(as has been said her too many times to count). Saying something about what they find offensive is equally as valid as those who do things that may be against the norms for what they term love. Living your life with the conscious choice of integrity and using gas that changes dozens of hands before it gets to you is not the same as crapping on someone else's life and labeling them both lies. I agree with you Bent! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 The difference is if you put it in my face and I see it, don't expect me to cover for you or better yet, not protect someone else that you are screwing over. The OP used the title "naysayers" her prerogative, but it is each person's prerogative to do what they feel is right for their lives(as has been said her too many times to count). Saying something about what they find offensive is equally as valid as those who do things that may be against the norms for what they term love. Living your life with the conscious choice of integrity and using gas that changes dozens of hands before it gets to you is not the same as crapping on someone else's life and labeling them both lies. A lie is a lie, period...and your involved in tons of them everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 (edited) you are kidding right? are you saying you do not see the difference between lying to a spouse or a partner or a significant-other about having a relationship (either a physical or an emotional one) with a contractor building a deck raising the cost of the labor to make more of a profit? you do not see that intentionally lying to someone you professed at one point to love and honor versus someone you hired to do a job not being honest with the actual price to build a deck is not opposites? one is about personal responsibility and controlling your own behavior and actions. no one can control another person. if you cannot see the difference, i feel very sad for you A lie is a lie period, and I feel sorry for you because you choose to turn a blind eye...BTW it's all a personal responsibility. I love the word games that are played to allow one lie to "be" a lie and another not to be. I get soooo burned out on excuses. Edited May 4, 2011 by pureinheart Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Why is it so hard to admit that some affairs work out? No one lives in a vacuum, sequestered from society. I think everyone is cognizant that some affairs do 'work out.' I just don't know what you mean by 'work out' - do you mean the affair partners end up being together, or simply that they're both content to spend years and years being involved in a secret affair and it never goes farther than that? Why is it so hard to be happy for someone who is happy in an affair? IMO, that's just a silly, self-absorbed statement. You need to understand something. Just because something makes you happy doesn't mean the rest of the world needs to rally around you and be happy for you, as well. I'm not an OW and I'm not a BS, but I still see affairs as wrong and selfish. Their very foundations are built on deceit and it's pure deceit that keeps them going, day after day. Why would anyone with any personal integrity celebrate that type of lifestyle and be happy for those who engage in this type of behavior? Let's throw a hypothetical question out on the table. Say you're one of the 'lucky' ones who ends up with her married man - he divorces, you and he marry, and you both build a life together. Several years down the road, you discover he's knee deep in an affair while all this time you were planning on growing old together with him, retiring somewhere warm, and giving him 110% of your love and devotion each and every day. He was your life and you'd built your life around him. Would you be 'happy' for he and his other woman? Would you celebrate their 'love' and encourage their affair? Would you be their biggest supporter? Would you step back and gladly give your entire life with him up - without a second thought - just so he and his affair partner can live happily ever after? I highly, highly doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Those who have had the experience would say a MM is not some kind of glittering treasure. He is lying to his wife and probably lying to you also. That kind of man is not FIRST PRIZE.... he is the lemon. Take Care, Gentlgirl Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 I'd like to make the recommendation that EVERYONE who feels that BS's have "overrun" this forum take a moment, read the TOS, find the part where their participation in this forum is a violation of the TOS for this site, and then report the violators via the moderation mechanisms of this site. Back on topic...given that there is likely an equal number of people who have been hurt and devestated by an affair as those that have somehow benefitted from one, I'm not sure why the OP would have the expectation that everyone should agree with her view of affairs in general. Why SHOULD someone be expected to view an affair as "working out" if they were in some fashion devestated by one? Given that...I'll be the first to admit that sometimes some of the participants in an affair end up happy...but given that it seems pretty rare that everyone involved in the situation agrees, I don't know that I'd have an expectation that everyone else on a website should feel the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 A lie is a lie, period...and your involved in tons of them everyday. If that helps you out...*shrug* Sounds like what you need to get by. Link to post Share on other sites
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