This is kind of bothering me.....seriously :(

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am hesitant to post about anything serious on here but would like to hear your thoughts all the same..

 

I have been with my bf into the 3rd month now. It may not seem long but it is certainly long for me. The thing is; while he is wonderful to me and all, his whole view on relationships bothers me.

 

He is very sensible and pragmatic. He keeps saying how he has made mistakes in the past and chased after girls with whom he felt love at first sight only to find out those relationships ended in disasters. So now he is looking for compatibility first because he is older and wiser.

 

I will give you an example of this: we have tried to set up two friends of ours. The girl was interested but the guy rejected her. My bf said how the guy is a fool to wait for "real love" as life is not like that.

 

Now this concerns me for obvious reasons...I am worried that he doesn't have feelings for me but thinks I am right for him because he is impressed by my PhD and my house and we get along very well.

 

As a counter argument; he has been pretty romantic to me. He wrote me a poem about how much he likes me. He bought me flowers. He texts me all the time that he is missing me and thinking about me. He said that I make him happy and wished that he has met me years earlier. He has changed his FB profile pic to the picture of us. Tells me I am beautiful all the time. Does little things for me constantly. He gets a little jealous when I talk about my guy friends. He has cute little nick-names for me.

 

Physically, he is very affectionate. He constantly kisses me, holds my hand, kisses my hair, gives me hugs - in public and in private. Our sex life is great. When I stay over - we do it 3-5 per night and he always initiates. So he seems to be turned on by me.

 

However, he has re-iterated his view on relationships and foolishness about waiting for "real love" number of times. I do know that he has had one long term relationship which ended 5 years ago. He was badly hurt then but I still don't know the details. In the last 5 years he has been on dates here and there but I am the longest R he has had in that time.

 

I can tell that he is a good guy. His character and integrity are rock solid. However, I don't want to be with someone who thinks love rather than feels it.

 

His words and actions point to him having real feelings for me. But his general view on relationships is the problem. Is it possible that he is just going through the motions with me because he thinks I am right for him? How do I discern this? I really don't want to enter a heavy emotional discussion about this with him

 

I mean certainly if what he felt for me was "real love" he would say something like "it's worth waiting for real love" rather than what he is saying.

 

What do you all think?

[JaneDoe35]

From what you have written - he loves you fullstop - feels. thinks - the works!

 

He sounds amazing. Like the greatest man. I would love to be dating a man like that. I am almost tempted to show the man I am dating your post.....

 

WOW.....

 

PS - I am sure you are just as wonderful!

 

[Titania22]

Food for thought.

 

His view on relationships is an intellectual thing based on his past experience and behaviour patterns. Even though his intellectual view has evolved, it doesn't mean he has necessarily broken him pattern of behaviour. So it is entirely possible that even with this pragmatic attitude, he still is falling genuinely in love with you. But even if that is what is happening, his rational mind will convince him that he has made his choice to be with you because it is smart.

 

Chances are you are a better choice (pragmatically) for him then he has made in the past, but that doesn't mean he isn't feeling it too.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Food for thought.

 

His view on relationships is an intellectual thing based on his past experience and behaviour patterns. Even though his intellectual view has evolved, it doesn't mean he has necessarily broken him pattern of behaviour. So it is entirely possible that even with this pragmatic attitude, he still is falling genuinely in love with you. But even if that is what is happening, his rational mind will convince him that he has made his choice to be with you because it is smart.

 

Chances are you are a better choice (pragmatically) for him then he has made in the past, but that doesn't mean he isn't feeling it too.

 

An intelligent argument from you as always. Thanks Titania

[Nexus One]

There are women you can fall in love with who make you lose all control over yourself and there are women you notice that are compatible with you for whom you may develop a crush for if you allow yourself to do so. I think you fall into the second category for him. Meaning he has himself under control with you.

 

What does a man that's in love and has lost all control over himself look like? Well: http://bit.ly/jacjlm

 

Screw all the people that hated on Tom Cruise over this though, the guy was in love. When it happens for me I'll probably have my own private couch jumping party. At that moment you don't care anymore. So that's how you can recognize if a guy is uncontrollably crushing on a woman, he's gone somewhat crazy and does not act like himself.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Nexus One

[Eternal Sunshine]

There are women you can fall in love with who make you lose all control over yourself and there are women you notice that are compatible with you for whom you may develop a crush for if you allow yourself to do so. I think you fall into the second category for him. Meaning he has himself under control with you.

 

What does a man that's in love and has lost all control over himself look like? Well: http://bit.ly/jacjlm

 

Screw all the people that hated on Tom Cruise over this though, the guy was in love. When it happens for me I'll probably have my own private couch jumping party. At that moment you don't care anymore. So that's how you can recognize if a guy is uncontrollably crushing on a woman, he's gone somewhat crazy and does not act like himself.

 

Yes, this is exactly what I was afraid of.....

 

I need to think long and hard if I should break up with him over this...I do want a man who is crazy in love with me.

[Nexus One]

Yes, this is exactly what I was afraid of.....

 

I need to think long and hard if I should break up with him over this...I do want a man who is crazy in love with me.

 

Oh no, what have I done.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think the serious danger of this is that somewhere along the line you can meet someone with whom you are crazy in love with. Then it all falls apart.

[Titania22]

Oh no, what have I done.

 

 

Nexus One, why'd you go and do that? *facepalm*

 

OG, not every person jumps around on a couch, when they are in love. Some people are more contained.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Oh no, what have I done.

 

No, intuitively I sense that you are right.

[Nexus One]

Nexus One, why'd you go and do that? *facepalm*

 

OG, not every person jumps around on a couch, when they are in love. Some people are more contained.

 

Yes I know, it was more to illustrate some sort of loss of control due to the crush.

 

ES listen to me. The fact that a guy crushes hard in the beginning like Tom Cruise did, does not mean that he ends up in love with a woman any more than a guy who realizes compatibility in a woman and falls in love over time.

 

The chemicals that make a man act like that will always die down after a period of time. Eventually guys get into the same calmer waters after that period of time. A guy who crushed hard at first might even at that time realize he's not compatible, while a guy that realized that already will stay by your side.

 

ES don't be an idiot, this guy has done everything perfectly up to now. You two seem compatible. Don't act impulsive and self-destructive.

[ASG]

I think the serious danger of this is that somewhere along the line you can meet someone with whom you are crazy in love with. Then it all falls apart.

 

If yo meet that person down the line, then you'll know. You can't prevent yourself from living your life just because of something that may or may not happen.

[Kamille]

Why are you looking for reasons to breakup? Aren't you in love with him?

 

It sounds to me like you're over-reacting. He made an off-hand comment that shows he's serious about relationships. Before falling in love he wants to make sure you two are compatible. From the sounds of it, he thinks you two are compatible, because he sure sounds like he's crazy about you.

 

You have a smart, caring, committed man. That's what matters.

[Art_Critic]

ES don't be an idiot, this guy has done everything perfectly up to now. You two seem compatible. Don't act impulsive and self-destructive.

 

 

Nexus is right on target...

 

Learn to view things thru new filters.. don't rely on your old filters to view this new relationship

[Kamille]

 

ES listen to me. The fact that a guy crushes hard in the beginning like Tom Cruise did, does not mean that he ends up in love with a woman any more than a guy who realizes compatibility in a woman and falls in love over time.

 

 

Not to mention, from the sounds of it, this guy is crushing hard on ES.

[Nexus One]

Not to mention, from the sounds of it, this guy is crushing hard on ES.

 

Yes.

 

ES I'm telling you, you are one impulsive lady. Don't be crazy.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Nexus One

[orangelady]

No, intuitively I sense that you are right.

 

Me too. I agree with Nexus_One.

[orangelady]

This story kinda reminds me of a friend who been married for 11 years, have 2 wonderful kids but after 11 years told me "My spouse is a GREAT person, but I'm just not IN LOVE with her" and he is having this fling secretly with his old high school sweetheart.

 

I don't know. You could just hang around a little longer.

[Nexus One]

He could be crushing, but channeling it in other ways than jumping on a couch. For example, the fact that he goes with you on every activity and that he proposes to go on activities is a sign he wants to spend time with you every chance he has and that he is putting in effort. That can also be a good sign that he's crushing.

 

I know you want your guy to be crushing, that's what every woman wants, but you don't know how he might be channeling it, so don't draw conclusions regarding that just yet. And even if he started out without a crush, but is building one over a longer period of time, then you don't want to be stopping him dead in his tracks by cutting off the relationship before it even got a chance.

 

Don't create cracks in a relationship where there are none. Right now nothing has gone wrong yet.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Nexus One

[Eternal Sunshine]

Is there anything that I can ask him, without being completely obvious?

 

I am OK with being with someone who will fall in love with me over time rather than on first sight. I just need to know that there is some real feeling there besides "we get along so well" and "we are so compatible".

 

He does so many little things...like he draws hearts on our pictures together...he is always touching me...he always wants to see me... he introduces me to everyone as "his girl"...his friends have come up to me and told me how happy I make him and asked me not to hurt him...Can this all really be faked????

 

But then he will tell a story about his friend or about his brother and how unrealistic they are being with expecting love to hit them right away...and that he wishes that they can be smart and learn from his (my bf's) mistakes rather than having to make them on their own. My heart sinks every time he says this

[Nexus One]

He does so many little things...like he draws hearts on our pictures together...he is always touching me...he always wants to see me... he introduces me to everyone as "his girl"...his friends have come up to me and told me how happy I make him and asked me not to hurt him...Can this all really be faked????

 

That pretty much sounds like a guy that's in love. Drawing hearts is definitely not something that guys normally do. And calling you "his girl" is very much an affectionate thing to do for a guy. That he always wants to see you is also a very good sign.

[zengirl]

I think these are the first important questions: Are you crazy in love with him? Have you even thought "I love you" let alone said it? Why would you expect some level of emotional passion from HIM that you don't also feel/show?

 

I have been crazy in love before, a couple times, and while one of the times was pretty darn quick and within a month or so, the other times took longer. Three months really is not that long for someone to fall in love. And the crazy quick infatuation does not always/usually become real love. Yes, real love makes you crazy TOO but it's more like you've chosen to be crazy, so it's a better kind of crazy, particularly since if it's real love, the other person is right there with you. It's just palpably different to me than that crushing, crazy, gotta-have-him-never-gonna feeling you get from one-sided crushes or early starts with those not compatible people, so don't confuse the two.

 

Moving forward with some of your specifics:

 

He is very sensible and pragmatic. He keeps saying how he has made mistakes in the past and chased after girls with whom he felt love at first sight only to find out those relationships ended in disasters. So now he is looking for compatibility first because he is older and wiser.

 

How did this come about (discussing this)? I actually LIKE --- and agree with --- his view, but it does seem an odd thing to say to someone you're dating. But it depends on how it came up and where you draw it from. The example given of your two friends sounds fine to me, depending on the people involved. Now love devoid of passion is no good, but wanting to be hit over the head ALL THE TIME with passion is silly. Is it possible your BF knows that guy, and that guy has a habit of being unrealistic with his expectations? That's going to drive that conversation, if he does.

 

Now this concerns me for obvious reasons...I am worried that he doesn't have feelings for me but thinks I am right for him because he is impressed by my PhD and my house and we get along very well.

 

And then you go on to list a TON of ways where he is showing you he likes you as much more than just a Great On Paper Gal. Seriously, re-read that counter argument:

 

As a counter argument; he has been pretty romantic to me. He wrote me a poem about how much he likes me. He bought me flowers. He texts me all the time that he is missing me and thinking about me. He said that I make him happy and wished that he has met me years earlier. He has changed his FB profile pic to the picture of us. Tells me I am beautiful all the time. Does little things for me constantly. He gets a little jealous when I talk about my guy friends. He has cute little nick-names for me.

 

Physically, he is very affectionate. He constantly kisses me, holds my hand, kisses my hair, gives me hugs - in public and in private. Our sex life is great. When I stay over - we do it 3-5 per night and he always initiates. So he seems to be turned on by me.

 

AND he has not been in many relationships lately, so it's not like he just wanted a GF for the hell of it, or he could have one. He sounds like a cute, lovely, smart guy --- he could've chosen to be with "just anyone" if he wanted. He wanted YOU and is excited about YOU. What more do you want, really?

 

His general view being grounded is a GOOD thing. It means that the second something goes awry, he won't suddenly freak out that he doesn't feel EXACTLY the same when he's annoyed with something (and you guys will get annoyed with each other --- that's life). Clearly, he's very, very into you. I don't really think it sounds like he's going through the motions at all.

 

But then he will tell a story about his friend or about his brother and how unrealistic they are being with expecting love to hit them right away...and that he wishes that they can be smart and learn from his (my bf's) mistakes rather than having to make them on their own. My heart sinks every time he says this

 

Look at the words "right away" there. He is saying (very wisely) that real love takes time, and it DOES. Especially with two healthy people. Man, infatuation is so much easier to come by when you're unhealthy----when you need someone to fill those gaps for you, and anyone who seems to suddenly seems magical. That just happens. . . less, I think, as you get more healthy and, yes, to a degree pragmatic. But clearly your BF has not lost touch with his romantic side, as you've listed dozens of romantic things he does for you!

 

And then, go back to my first question: Are you happy and in love with/falling for/think you could be in love with him?

 

And I'll add another important question: Does the way he treats you and interacts with you help you feel happy and fulfilled?

 

Worry more about that and less about validation from him on the "strength" of his feelings, and you will be happier overall. Whether or not this relationship goes the distance simply cannot be predicted, so stop driving yourself crazy trying to figure it out and just enjoy where you ARE.

[Survivor12]

I'm not going to beat around the bush. I don't believe that the problem has anything to do with what your bf thinks or feels but everything to do with how you feel about him which, I believe is quite apparent although you seem reluctant to admit it even to yourself. Let's review:

 

At the time you met him, you had been dumped by your former bf and were exploring multi-dating, and although "engineer guy" was not your first choice, you decided to keep him in the rotation....

 

"Things like this take a while, we only met a week and a half ago"."-ES 3/12/01"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yeah! I am not exclusive with anyone, so it's all good.

 

I can't tell if the engineer guy is not exciting enough due to lack of drama. I still think he is good for me. You know how different people bring out different sides of you? Well, he brings out my rational and logical side - this is not a bad thing."-ES 3/14/01

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Less than a week after declaring that you weren't sure if he was exciting enough for you and despite not being over-the-top attracted to him, you jumped at the opportunity to be his gf because you had matured enough to acknowledge the importance of personality compatibility:

 

"We went out last night, had a great time and he asked me to be his girlfriend."--ES 3/18/01

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I am more mature now and I look for personality compatibility the most. There has to be a bit of attraction there, but I am happy to be without OMFG crazy attraction."-ES 3/18/01

-------------------------------------------------------------

Now, 6 wks later, you are ready to hang it up because you aren't satisfied that HE:

 

"...is very sensible and pragmatic. He keeps saying how he has made mistakes in the past and chased after girls with whom he felt love at first sight only to find out those relationships ended in disasters. So now he is looking for compatibility first because he is older and wiser."

 

Be honest with yourself. At the time he asked you to be his gf, you wanted a relationship so much that you were willing to try to convince yourself that you could do without "OMFG crazy attraction" to have one.

 

Unfortunately, you were wrong. You crave drama and the pangs of passion, but you don't feel it with this guy so you're trying to find something wrong with HIM to give you reason to bail. Ironically, you are focusing on condemning him for the very thing that you have been unable to maintain for yourself! Read the last two quotes above (yours & his). They sound pretty similar, don't they?

 

Look, you've only known the guy for less than three months and during that time he has treated you very well, shown you affection and respect, and been honest with you about his feelings. Based on all you've said about him, he cares for you and is capable of making a relationship with you a long and healthy one....BUT if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it, but you need to accept the truth instead of trying to pretend that the problem lies with him.

 

My advice is to be HONEST with yourself. Forget about what other people think for a moment. Forget about your "relationship". How do you feel about HIM???

[Mme. Chaucer]

Survivor, right on. Thanks for doing the research.

 

ES, why can't you accept what your boyfriend actually DOES and SHOWS you as being more crucial than theoretical stuff about "relationships" that he shares with you?

 

According to what you shared, he could not possibly give you any more attention and positive strokes than he does.

 

"Crazy in love" often resembles stalking, neediness, emptiness, obsession, and other loserly characteristics, none of which your boyfriend appears to have. You think this is a "BAD" thing, and are considering breaking up with him over it?

 

You certainly have revealed many dramatic episodes about yourself over your many years, alters and thousands of posts here on LS. When you were "crazy in love," were you at your best? When you were acting like a needy stalker, did you shine?

 

If you don't like him, by all means, break it off and free him up to find a woman who will appreciate all the great stuff he evidently is ready to bring to a relationship. But I hope you are aware that probably more than 99% of the mature people who are in successful long term (maybe lifetime) relationships base them more upon compatibility, respect, and maintenance of boundaries than "crazy in love." That's what holds up to time, and helps people bring out the best in one another.

 

Does that have any appeal to you?

[Star Gazer]

Be honest with yourself. At the time he asked you to be his gf, you wanted a relationship so much that you were willing to try to convince yourself that you could do without "OMFG crazy attraction" to have one.

 

Unfortunately, you were wrong. You crave drama and the pangs of passion, but you don't feel it with this guy so you're trying to find something wrong with HIM to give you reason to bail. Ironically, you are focusing on condemning him for the very thing that you have been unable to maintain for yourself! Read the last two quotes above (yours & his). They sound pretty similar, don't they?

 

Look, you've only known the guy for less than three months and during that time he has treated you very well, shown you affection and respect, and been honest with you about his feelings. Based on all you've said about him, he cares for you and is capable of making a relationship with you a long and healthy one....BUT if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it, but you need to accept the truth instead of trying to pretend that the problem lies with him.

 

My advice is to be HONEST with yourself. Forget about what other people think for a moment. Forget about your "relationship". How do you feel about HIM???

 

We have a winner!!! This, this, this.