This is kind of bothering me.....seriously :(

[Survivor12]

I thought women liked men who are like that.

 

You thought wrong.

[Art_Critic]

ES...

 

 

For gods sake any relationship underneath a magnifying glass will have cracks..

Sometimes I think people on here use a 50x scope rather than looking at it from a distance, which is what we are doing on the internet.

 

Please don't throw this relationship away..

 

Time to rewrite those old movies that you seem to replay over and over and break the chain.

 

Take a breath... and don't make any knee jerk decisions..

[Survivor12]

Because she is a woman. And all women want to be loved more than they love back.

 

I'm not bashing women or anything, It's just that I've seen it over and over again in posts by women.

 

 

Again, you are wrong. "All women" do not want to be loved more than they love back. I speak only for myself, but it only takes one exception to disprove a theory. Perhaps you may want to rethink and rephrase..."some women", for example, may be more accurate.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Wayne, go back in your closet. Everybody knows what you think. This thread is not about your ridiculousness. Get it?

[Lorelei_Lane]

ES: Noo! Don't throw this relationship away yet!

 

The whole "The Notebook" way of falling in love, crazy for each other, can't think rationally is just what it is, a work of fiction.

 

You have a good guy there! One who treats you romantically, is compatible with you in multiple ways, and draws little hearts! Come on, I can't think of many men that draw hearts! lol

 

It's still a new relationship. Give it time to grow. As for what he says about other people and their views, he's probably crazy for you but trying to hide it under a cool demeanor. You also said he was hurt in the past, and he's probably trying to keep control of that. When you've been hurt badly, you tend to be a bit more careful.

 

Don't give up yet!

[oaks]

Physically, he is very affectionate. He constantly kisses me, holds my hand, kisses my hair, gives me hugs - in public and in private. Our sex life is great. When I stay over - we do it 3-5 per night and he always initiates. So he seems to be turned on by me.

 

Sorry to put a boy-perspective on this, but this sounds like a great relationship. Don't screw it up!

[franticfather]

ES he's into you. Guys cant fake emotions for that long!

Edited May 3, 2011 by franticfather

[Stockalone]

What do you all think?

 

If it bothers you so much, then simply ask him what he means when he says things like: My bf said how the guy is a fool to wait for "real love" as life is not like that.

 

I would be irritated by a statement like that.

 

 

He is very sensible and pragmatic. He keeps saying how he has made mistakes in the past and chased after girls with whom he felt love at first sight only to find out those relationships ended in disasters. So now he is looking for compatibility first because he is older and wiser.

 

I will give you an example of this: we have tried to set up two friends of ours. The girl was interested but the guy rejected her. My bf said how the guy is a fool to wait for "real love" as life is not like that.

 

I think that was a fairly arrogant thing to say. Don't get me wrong, looking for compatibility is absolutely necessary, but I don't believe that this head over heels feeling always leads to relationships who end in disaster.

 

I know that it's possible to develop this head over heels feeling for someone and be compatible with this person. It might not lead to happily ever after, but I don't think it is wrong to want both (the head over heels feeling and compatibility).

[Eternal Sunshine]

How I feel is irrelevant. I have a history of being drawn to unsuitable people. This relationship has NOTHING to do with me wanting to just be in any relationship. I always had options for that and continue to have them. Yet I picked my bf. It has EVERYTHING to do with trying to break my unhealthy patterns and evaluate if my feelings here can grow.

 

As far as myself, I have been more than a good girlfriend in return. Trust me, this guy would have dumped me if he didn't think my character is up to scratch and I would make a good long term partner. I am giving just as much and investing just as much in this relationship. Since he is obviously not head over heels, he is able to evaluate me in a cool and logical manner. Despite what you see on the forums, I have a lot to offer and he can see that. He has also had few options at the time of starting a relationship with me and he has picked me.

 

Now for his comments on relationships, they have always bothered me on some level. Not hugely, but a nagging sensation at the back of my mind.

 

I will admit here that since becoming sexually involved with him, my feelings have grown. Now his comments bother me much more. After having a great night of sex, cuddling and chatting on Saturday, we were eating breakfast on Sunday morning. He told me how much he enjoys spending time with me. Then in the next breath, he again mentions his friend and how he has unrealistic views on relationships and love and how in 5 years time he will wise up on the fairytale romance front. I remained silent but actually cried a little on my way home.

 

I now have a real possibility of getting hurt here. This is is why I am posting now rather than 2.5 months ago when he first made that comment. I DO NOT want to set myself up for a speech down the line of "I love you but I am not in love with you".

 

I believe that his repeated comments are quite serious red flags and I need to heed the warning. I do not want to break up with him. In fact, the thought of breaking up with him makes me incredibly depressed

[OliveOyl]

No matter what he says, his actions are the actions of a man in love. Not just cool pragmatic decision-making. I think his logical mind is split from his emotional so that he can talk about how fairytale love isn't important. But from everything you've told us, he is deeply invested AND in love.

 

Actions speak louder than words, even the most "pragmatic" words.

 

I really wouldn't worry about it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am thinking of writing him an e-mail about his comments and asking him to clarify. I would rather do it over e-mail because I don't want to cry or something in front of him. I am not sure if this is wise though; he may just see it as me causing drama.

 

My intent is not to cause drama or break up. This issue has been bothering me for so long now that I feel like I may not be able to open up to him further with this on my mind.

 

OR is it best to still just hang on for a bit more and see how things develop?

[collegeguy_24]

I'm of the belief that it's biological, it's in a womans genetics to want to be loved more than they love back. I don't think a woman can love as much or feel as strongly for a man as a man can feel for a woman.

 

Maybe it's because women in the olden days(like thousends of years ago, it obviously isn't like that anymore) needed a man to provide and protect her and the eventual children.

 

And maybe it was wiser for the woman to be with a man who loves her more than she loves him back then, maybe men could go for the woman they really liked while the woman picked the man based on what was best for her and the eventual childrens future.

 

Maybe that mindset stuck and women still feel "safer" and more secure with a man who feels stronger for them and loves her more than she loves him.

 

But that's just a theory.

 

Most scientific theories have at least a little bit of fact in them, but those facts usually have actual proof that can be presented to others so they themselves can form their own opinions about the theory, to test the theory, and eventually prove if it is correct or incorrect.

 

Wayne, can you provide actual evidence to support your theory?

 

Do you have any scientific studies to back up what you say?

 

And if you have actual proof, can you link here so we can look it over and make our own judgments?

[zengirl]

How I feel is irrelevant.

 

Wow. Really? How you *feel* about your relationship is *irrelevant* to the health of your relationship? Really?

 

Just reading that makes me sad, ES. How YOU feel is the most important thing, and you are letting your insecurities drown out your sense of self if you're denying your own feelings and only interested in his. (I'm not saying you don't dig this guy, as some are. I've no idea. But definitely don't make your feelings irrelevant. They are the MOST relevant thing to building your own happiness.)

 

You can never truly 100% know another person's feelings, but every sign he's given you shows he values you and has very strong feelings, IMO.

 

I have a history of being drawn to unsuitable people. This relationship has NOTHING to do with me wanting to just be in any relationship. I always had options for that and continue to have them. Yet I picked my bf. It has EVERYTHING to do with trying to break my unhealthy patterns and evaluate if my feelings here can grow.

 

Good to admit this. And I think this means you don't trust your feelings, and I understand it will take you time to trust them, but do try to grow trust in them rather than just cast them aside as irrelevant!

 

As far as myself, I have been more than a good girlfriend in return. Trust me, this guy would have dumped me if he didn't think my character is up to scratch and I would make a good long term partner. I am giving just as much and investing just as much in this relationship. Since he is obviously not head over heels, he is able to evaluate me in a cool and logical manner. Despite what you see on the forums, I have a lot to offer and he can see that. He has also had few options at the time of starting a relationship with me and he has picked me.

 

Aw, nobody in this thread said or suggested you didn't have much to offer.

 

Now for his comments on relationships, they have always bothered me on some level. Not hugely, but a nagging sensation at the back of my mind.

 

I will admit here that since becoming sexually involved with him, my feelings have grown. Now his comments bother me much more. After having a great night of sex, cuddling and chatting on Saturday, we were eating breakfast on Sunday morning. He told me how much he enjoys spending time with me. Then in the next breath, he again mentions his friend and how he has unrealistic views on relationships and love and how in 5 years time he will wise up on the fairytale romance front. I remained silent but actually cried a little on my way home.

 

I now have a real possibility of getting hurt here. This is is why I am posting now rather than 2.5 months ago when he first made that comment. I DO NOT want to set myself up for a speech down the line of "I love you but I am not in love with you".

 

There is absolutely NO AVOIDING the pain of that possibility unless you avoid the pleasure of ever trying to connect to another human being.

 

This guy sounds like an awesome, good, suitable guy. That doesn't give any kind of guarantees you'll both fall madly in love and/or work out in the long run. NOTHING will. Until you can come to terms with that fact, you'll always feel terrified in your relationships and you'll never be happy. There are no guarantees.

 

If his values on these relationship things bother you, I would say feel free to have a conversation with him the next time it feels organic, and if it still bothers you and/or you're uncertain in your own feelings for him or don't feel he's the man for you, that's one thing. But don't break up with a guy because you're scared he'll someday break up with you.

 

I am thinking of writing him an e-mail about his comments and asking him to clarify. I would rather do it over e-mail because I don't want to cry or something in front of him. I am not sure if this is wise though; he may just see it as me causing drama.

 

I don't think email is the appropriate way to do it. I would wait until you feel strong enough to say something in person. If you don't want it to be drama, don't make a big thing of it. You can still address it in a broader way, such as "What do you mean when you make comments such as ______________" and a broader discussion of how he views love. Don't come from a needy or scared place, and it won't seem dramatic.

 

I know you always reject this idea, but I really think a good therapist would help with issues like these and help you develop better coping skills so that you didn't feel so anxious.

[ASG]

I am thinking of writing him an e-mail about his comments and asking him to clarify. I would rather do it over e-mail because I don't want to cry or something in front of him. I am not sure if this is wise though; he may just see it as me causing drama.

 

My intent is not to cause drama or break up. This issue has been bothering me for so long now that I feel like I may not be able to open up to him further with this on my mind.

 

OR is it best to still just hang on for a bit more and see how things develop?

 

You know what? If you can't even TALK to him about it? You SHOULD break up with him, because you DON'T KNOW how to be in a relationship.

Not because he doesn't love you. He seems to, by what you say. But because you are just a 12 year old child who has no business leading people on.

 

If you want to be in a relationship you need to be able to CRY in front of your SO. And yes, an email will SCREAM drama to him. And to anyone else.

 

If it bothers you you need to SPEAK to him. Not send an email, just sit down with him and talk about it.

 

Grow up!

[Eternal Sunshine]

OK - no e-mail then. I will just come across as REALLY insecure.

 

I am going to go with zengirl's idea. The next time he brings it up, I think I will ask him:

 

1) What do you mean when you say that real love is just a fairytale concept?

 

2) Do you think that you would be able to have a long term relationship or marriage with someone who is highly compatible with you but you are not in love with?

[zengirl]

OK - no e-mail then. I will just come across as REALLY insecure.

 

I am going to go with zengirl's idea. The next time he brings it up, I think I will ask him:

 

1) What do you mean when you say that real love is just a fairytale concept?

 

2) Do you think that you would be able to have a long term relationship or marriage with someone who is highly compatible with you but you are not in love with?

 

And stop letting things go so long if they bother you! They'll just fester and make you crazy, really. I think that's part of why you're so bent out of shape about this, that it's been bothering you for awhile.

[Art_Critic]

You know what? If you can't even TALK to him about it? You SHOULD break up with him, because you DON'T KNOW how to be in a relationship.

 

Who really knows how to be in a relationship ?.. they are all different and you have to apply different logic and rules to each one.

 

 

Grow up!

 

Now that is helpful.. telling her to grow up after you ask her to do an immature thing and breakup with him..

You kinda contradicted yourself in the same sentence..

 

 

I don't think she needs to grow up or break up.. she needs to calm down and stop the buzzing in her head for a moment.

 

She is working herself into a lather and making this too big of an issue for it's importance.

Not saying her feelings aren't important, just that sometimes we can make mountains out of mole hills

Edited May 3, 2011 by Art_Critic

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thanks Art - I appreciate your support

 

I have been awake most of the night obsessing over this when things are actually going well.

 

He has texted me numerous times yesterday, with sweet things like "good morning my cute little bunny" and then later sending me hearts and kisses. I have plans to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday with him....might be a good time to gently ask a few questions.

[ASG]

Who really knows how to be in a relationship ?.. they are all different and you have to apply different logic and rules to each one.

 

Now that is helpful.. telling her to grow up after you ask her to do an immature thing and breakup with him..

You kinda contradicted yourself in the same sentence..

 

I don't think she needs to grow up or break up.. she needs to calm down and stop the buzzing in her head for a moment.

 

She is working herself into a lather and making this too big of an issue for it's importance.

Not saying her feelings aren't important, just that sometimes we can make mountains out of mole hills

 

I don't think she *should* break up with him. There's no real reason for it, except for her liking to create drama, where it doesn't exist.

And sure, relationships are different, but I can bet you noone will say that communication isn't a MAJOR part of all of them. And she (sorry ES, don't mean to talk like you're not reading, just replying to Art) seems reluctant to express her feelings.

 

What got me frustrated was that even though everyone on this thread has said that she is most likely making a mountain out of a mole hill, she was intending on making it even worse by sending him an email? And not facing him? If she can't face her bf, then who will she be able to face?So yes, growing up *is* good advice and not exactly contradicting was I was saying.

 

Anyway, ES, yes, follow zengirl's advice. Seems casual and as if you're not making a big deal ot of it and will get you answers.

Also, I think you're looking at this all wrong. The fact that he isn't high on passion doesn't mean he isn't IN LOVE with you or that he won't be all his life! Being in love isn't measured by jumping off couches. That's just passion and passion fades.

[oaks]

He has texted me numerous times yesterday, with sweet things like "good morning my cute little bunny" and then later sending me hearts and kisses.

 

That's cute.

 

It really sounds like things are going well apart from this one issue about how you feel about something that he said. It's probably a misunderstanding such as him talking about relationships in general rather than about things with you and you thinking that he's referring to your relationship or something like that.

 

You already have a plan to talk with him about it, so the only other advice I can think to give is this:

 

Worry less!

[Star Gazer]

How I feel is irrelevant.

 

How can you say that your feelings are irrelevant?! Good lord! This entire thread is about how his comments make you feel! And you feel/think the same way HE does!!

[Eternal Sunshine]

How can you say that your feelings are irrelevant?! Good lord! This entire thread is about how his comments make you feel! And you feel/think the same way HE does!!

 

I meant irrelevant as in I don't want them to be the main focus of this thread.

[zengirl]

I meant irrelevant as in I don't want them to be the main focus of this thread.

 

I think what you sometimes miss, ES, though is that relationships don't work in such a way that you can separate one person's love from the other's. At least not in my experience. It seems like you want to feel like a guy is 100% into you before you really feel safe with your own feelings. . . but I just don't think it works that way. It'd be nice, but I think the only way you ever really find real love is by loving, not by looking for someone who loves you.

 

So, it's hard for many of us (me at least, but I think I noticed this from others) to talk about HIS feelings in total depth without knowing yours, too. A relationship is both. And he's not here for us to talk to --- from all you say, it sounds like he adores you, which is great. But any problems in your relationship, all we can help you with are YOUR side because we aren't talking to him.

 

Though at least this is putting a better spin on it than the way I read it. I really think you beat yourself up like crazy sometimes, ES.

[Star Gazer]

I meant irrelevant as in I don't want them to be the main focus of this thread.

 

You'll never find yourself in real, true love, if you're unable or unwilling to give love yourself. They're inextricably linked.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Star Gazer
Damn iPhone typo!

[Lilmisus]

Can I just say that I agree with your boyfriend?

 

I don't believe that relationships that are that filled with passion that you're all over one another at all times, last. Mainly because I've seen numerous times how many couples who were extremely passionate with their lovemaking were equally passionate with their fighting as well. It ends up pushing one another away, and though they feel great in the beginning, in the end..not so much.

 

Plus..not too many couples that last were love at first sight. Real love grows over time, not just in a blink of an eye.

 

But did you ever think that he could be telling you those stories because he's scared? What if he feels that he's so in love with you, but knows in the back of his mind that other relationships that were based off of love just didn't last? What if he's feeling that he just wants to scream at the top of his lungs how much he loves you, but he feels that that's a senseless thing to do, and is telling you what he's telling you in order to keep himself in check?

 

He's in love with you chica. The real issue here is..are you in love with him?