This is kind of bothering me.....seriously :(

[zengirl]

HIM:

 

No, of course not. Feelings and emotions must be there. I never said that I don't believe in true love, just not true love at first sight. Real love is something much deeper and more complex than physical attraction and superficial infatuation. But if there are tenderness and feelings there, they can be nurtured and built and deeper love is not far away. It's really the sum of all the little things. When you enjoy spending time with your partner. When you see that they care. When you watch them sleep and are filled with feeling.

 

I do have feelings for you. Strong feelings, and for many reasons and not just because of the way you look. The longer we are together, the stronger my feelings get and the more I enjoy being with you.

 

Kiss,

bf

 

p.s. Good morning to you too and hope you have a wonderful day. I found your message really adorable

 

----------------------------

 

I am not sure what to think.....

 

I cannot honestly think of a better response. Not only did he understand your crazy (and yes, this is your crazy, though don't worry too much -- love makes us all crazy), but he finds it ADORABLE. That P.S. is practically an "I love you" in Guy-Speak.

 

And he's saying he believes true love depends on WHO THE PERSON IS (which can't be known at first sight) and that his feelings continually get stronger for you. All good stuff.

 

I mean tenderness??? It's like he is talking about his pet

 

I think "tenderness" is actually a pretty sexy word. I'd never say I feel "tenderness" for my dog.

 

Don't worry about it. You're not living in a fairy tale world. And if he's doubting whether to make the search for true love a lifelong pursuit, that slight amount of doubt pales in comparison to your thinking his every hiccup might be a reason to breakup.

 

He has shown a lot of dedication to you, and from what you describe, it sounds like a nice relationship. He might say some things that seem odd. Probably because he doesn't have everything all figured out like he wishes he did. But you need to show some flexibility. The biggest threat to this relationship is you and your constant willingness to jump ship.

 

Be fair to him and yourself and let this kind of stuff slide.

 

Listen to johan. All good points.

 

Chill out, ES. Unless the issue is that YOU don't feel passion for this guy; that's a different story. But if you do, and want to keep him, chill the F out.

[Art_Critic]

johan, you are a smart guy.

 

What is your serious, blunt take on this?

 

My blunt take on it is you act without taking time to think.

Why did you do a knee jerk reaction ?

 

Are you on some sort of Alien time warp where a week to us is equal to 30 mins to you ?

[Art_Critic]

I have plans to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday with him....might be a good time to gently ask a few questions.

 

3 hours ago you were going to wait till this weekend...

 

Impulse control.. sometimes the easiest way to control it is just go do something else.. get your mind off it...

Maybe you should have just went and worked out and went to dinner instead..

[D-Lish]

I think the serious danger of this is that somewhere along the line you can meet someone with whom you are crazy in love with. Then it all falls apart.

 

That's what happened in my last relationship ES- that initial chemical rush that had us talking about moving in together within 6 weeks- then things unravelled just as fast as it had started.

 

Sounds like he's being cautious and steady- but that might be his way of recognizing that he sees long term potential for the relationship, and doesn't want to screw it up the way he has in the past.

 

His actions contradict what he is saying- but sometimes people say the opposite of what they are feeling in order to protect their vulnerability.

 

Have you brought this up with him? May be worth doing so. A relationship needs communication to work, and if this is bothering you, don't bottle it up. If you haven't already addressed it with him, he sounds like a logical guy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

So now I have ruined everything by sending him that message?

 

The thing is, I have kept my crazy in check so far. But, I'm impulsive and a little bit crazy. If he is going to stay with me, he will need to accept that. Besides, I warned him that I'm impulsive on date 1.

[johan]

Your message was fine. Just don't force the issue. Let it go. Don't think about it anymore.

[Titania22]

So now I have ruined everything by sending him that message?

 

The thing is, I have kept my crazy in check so far. But, I'm impulsive and a little bit crazy. If he is going to stay with me, he will need to accept that. Besides, I warned him that I'm impulsive on date 1.

 

 

You haven't ruined anything ES, just please let this go for now, and see what happens. If you keep nagging yourself that something is wrong, you can revisit it next week or the week after. In the meantime, he seems very in love with you. His email response was so awesome, I would be feeling deliriously happy right now if i were you.

[Kamille]

Exactly what did you want him to respond to your email? What else could he have responded? I mean, if his response did not make you feel better.... What would?

 

You say yourself you haven't been sleeping all night, feeling anxious about this. Are you stressed at work ES? Is your family ok? Are you otherwise sleeping well? See, my guess is you're transferring anxiety from another area of your life onto your relationship. Because really, his response to your email could not have been any cuter. Get some rest, hit the gym and sweat that anxiety out, and reread it with this thought in your head: "This guy really likes me - and I'm worth it".

[snug.bunny]

His email response was so awesome, I would be feeling deliriously happy right now if i were you.

 

I completely agree. His email was so incredibly sweet and if I were the OP, my heart would feel so warm and gooey inside.

[Kamille]

So now I have ruined everything by sending him that message?

 

The thing is, I have kept my crazy in check so far. But, I'm impulsive and a little bit crazy. If he is going to stay with me, he will need to accept that. Besides, I warned him that I'm impulsive on date 1.

 

You haven't ruined anything. You made the situation better. His stance on 'love' raised questions for you - so you asked those questions. He answered with a sweet, caring email. As titania said, you should be feeling elation right now. Congratulations: not only did you handle this issue well, you got an answer that's incredibly reassuring.

 

I repeat, do whatever you have to do to snap out of it: get some rest (power nap), hit the gym, sweat the anxiety out. This sounds to me like you're stuck in some negative headspace, when the reality is actually a lot more rosy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Btw I don't agree that you can't get more than you give. We see uneven R all the time, when one partner is more in love. Perhaps it's not fair but that's the way life is.

[eerie_reverie]

Btw I don't agree that you can't get more than you give. We see uneven R all the time, when one partner is more in love. Perhaps it's not fair but that's the way life is.

 

You can unintentionally end up with more, but that is different than to EXPECT it.

 

You still have not answered my question. How do YOU feel about HIM?

 

Are you sure you're not looking for excuses to dump him?

 

Do you wish it worked out? Do you hope you end up with him?

[johan]

This reminds me a lot of my excessive-questioning ex-girlfriend. She would take things I said and mull them over and dwell on them and make me answer for them. We had so many discussions turn in to soul-twisting, logic-free arguments. It put me on eggshells, and taught me to speak simply to her. I learned never to allow her to put me on the spot, and if she tried, I just deflected the whole thing. But I was still on eggshells.

 

I spent a long time looking back at that relationship, feeling like a failure because I was always looking for a way to make things work. As if I had said certain things or had I been more of a man with her, or a different kind of man, then she would have been "tamed" and would have fell into my arms and my life willingly. She would have respected me and wouldn't dare or even think to turn my words against me.

 

But I can see how there's probably not a lot this guy can do to change your thought pattern or get you to stop questioning. Or to stop jumping to the conclusion that breaking up is a good idea because he said something kind of dumb. He can't win that battle. This isn't up to him. It's great he's good to you and adores you, but he won't ever be out of the cross-hairs.

 

As for ER's question about how you feel about him... as if this is a sign you may not really be into him... I think this is as good as it's going to get for you. This is as good as you'll ever allow it to be with any guy. You may not really want better.

[Star Gazer]

Btw I don't agree that you can't get more than you give. We see uneven R all the time, when one partner is more in love. Perhaps it's not fair but that's the way life is.

 

But why would you even want that? What joy would that bring you? Not loving with every fiber of your being? You'd always be empty. Another person's love can't make you whole.

[Eternal Sunshine]

As for ER's question about how you feel about him... as if this is a sign you may not really be into him... I think this is as good as it's going to get for you. This is as good as you'll ever allow it to be with any guy. You may not really want better.

 

 

Eh, I am afraid that you are right.

 

See for me, I am not sure I am capable of feeling more within a normal, healthy relationship.

 

I have certainly felt more in my obsessive, unrequited crushes. But is that really a benchmark against which I should measure my feelings?

 

I don't have any answers here. I have no idea how I feel or what I should do. I am just going with it until an answer becomes obvious.

 

BTW I had a brief convo with my bf today and he sounded normal and everything seems to be back on track. He even thanked me for 2 wonderful months together.

[Mme. Chaucer]

ES, I absolutely agree with you; you should break up with him. That way, you can get into another obsession where you'll feel more within your comfort zone. And he won't be wasting all of his kind, sweet, affectionate, sexy, thoughtful, attentive, intelligent efforts on a person who is only bound and determined to find fault with all of it. There are piles of wonderful women hoping to find a man like that who would appreciate him very much.

 

It would be a win/win.

[Star Gazer]

I am not sure I am capable of feeling more within a normal, healthy relationship.

 

A normal, healthy relationship requires two normal, healthy people to be in it.

[zengirl]

So now I have ruined everything by sending him that message?

 

The thing is, I have kept my crazy in check so far. But, I'm impulsive and a little bit crazy. If he is going to stay with me, he will need to accept that. Besides, I warned him that I'm impulsive on date 1.

 

No, you have not ruined everything.

But, at some point, if you want a healthy relationship, you'll need to work on impulse control.

 

At the moment, he finds this cute (which is good---many people pull a nutter, I do myself from time to time and need someone who finds those crazy moments cute, but don't let the crazy MOMENT turn into a more permanent state is all). Let it go now.

 

See for me, I am not sure I am capable of feeling more within a normal, healthy relationship.

 

I have certainly felt more in my obsessive, unrequited crushes. But is that really a benchmark against which I should measure my feelings?

 

I don't have any answers here. I have no idea how I feel or what I should do. I am just going with it until an answer becomes obvious.

 

You have to work on YOU before you can fix what's going wrong here, as it's not going wrong in the relationship. Nothing he says makes you happy here because it's your issue -- not his. You need to find some personal peace. Somehow.

[eerie_reverie]

ES,

 

Looking at it from a different perspective:

 

Don't you wanna get married and have kids??

 

What do you imagine when you think abut your life 10 years from now?

 

Don't you imagine all this true love butterfly chasing crap will get old??

 

I understand not wanting to settle... but life is about more than having extremely strong feelings.

 

The part that should read like a romance novel is only a tiny part.

 

What happens when you think about your relationship in terms of your greater goals? Have you ever tried that?

 

I personally would be THRILLED if I found someone that I respect, trust, and am attracted to. To me, everything else is icing on the cake.

 

What core quality is your boyfriend missing that is making you question things so?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yes - MM_C. I am now out of my comfort zone so to speak.

 

I am within my comfort zone when I am depressed and single or when I obsess over someone that doesn't want me or when I go on endless meaningless dates.

 

But normal relationship? Nope. The only way to return to my comfort zone is to sabotage this thing.

 

I think that when this ends, I will write off relationships and dating all together, for the rest of my life. I am just not made for this and I am also not going to go through months/years of therapy hoping for some radical personality change.

 

It's just so much easier to make peace with being single.

 

I function perfectly well in all other areas in my life.

[Star Gazer]

Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship.

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES,

 

Looking at it from a different perspective:

 

Don't you wanna get married and have kids??

 

What do you imagine when you think abut your life 10 years from now?

 

Don't you imagine all this true love butterfly chasing crap will get old??

 

I understand not wanting to settle... but life is about more than having extremely strong feelings.

 

The part that should read like a romance novel is only a tiny part.

 

What happens when you think about your relationship in terms of your greater goals? Have you ever tried that?

 

I personally would be THRILLED if I found someone that I respect, trust, and am attracted to. To me, everything else is icing on the cake.

 

What core quality is your boyfriend missing that is making you question things so?

 

Yes. This relationship is great from every angle. I can honestly say that I have never met a guy who has treated me so well, who was intellectually compatible with me and is great in bed. He is so kind and gentle and sweet. He wants marriage and kids. He would be a great dad. He is stable, has a good job, owns a nice place.

 

The only thing that's missing is that feeling of fate, of being struck by lightening, a feeling that's so encompassing that nothing else in the world matters. And it's missing from his side and my side as well. Only he is more pragmatic than me. I am a hard core romantic.

 

I sometimes think that if he felt that way about me, he would be able to pull me in and make me relax enough to fall deeper. But instinctively, I know he really likes me and all, he is just not head over heels for me. And that's the subject of this thread.

 

I worry that somewhere down the line he wil find "IT" and cheat on me or leave me. I am scared that he will be one of those guys who is fond of his partner but not in love with her. Those fears make me want to bolt, as I don't want to deal with devastation that I see in my future.

[welikeincrowds]

I'm not comfortable with you making absolute statements about your future based on some uncomfortable feelings you're having right now.

 

Do you really think you are incapable of love? If you were to accuse someone else of that it would be a serious charge, one you could not expect to make flippantly.

 

It's distinct from "being out of your comfort zone", which is a mild challenge that everyone faces (or should face) in order to live a fulfilled life.

[johan]

ES, I absolutely agree with you; you should break up with him. That way, you can get into another obsession where you'll feel more within your comfort zone. And he won't be wasting all of his kind, sweet, affectionate, sexy, thoughtful, attentive, intelligent efforts on a person who is only bound and determined to find fault with all of it. There are piles of wonderful women hoping to find a man like that who would appreciate him very much.

 

It would be a win/win.

 

I don't think the sarcasm is really needed here. At least she's here trying to figure out what's going on. She could be mercilessly jerking him around. She's not mean spirited. Maybe just scared and a bit obsessive. But more than willing to try to change, which is the best anyone can do. And whatever she's doing seems to be working, because he really digs her.

 

Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship.

 

Everyone gets to try. It's a birthright.

[welikeincrowds]

I worry that somewhere down the line he wil find "IT" and cheat on me or leave me. I am scared that he will be one of those guys who is fond of his partner but not in love with her. Those fears make me want to bolt, as I don't want to deal with devastation that I see in my future.

 

I take it that you recognize that these feelings are irrational and should not be the reasoned basis for a significant life decision?