This is kind of bothering me.....seriously :(

[Andy_K]

For me, if my girfriend told me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me, I'd be far from okay.

 

You've been dumped before, right? And you're okay now, right?

 

It doesn't mean immediately.

[col182]

No, I haven't. I'm in my second ever long term relationship and I ended the first one.

[Kamille]

Well said, Kamille. I'm printing that off right now!

 

I'm honored!

 

That very much depends on the person.

 

For me, if my girfriend told me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me, I'd be far from okay.

 

Exectly this:

 

You've been dumped before, right? And you're okay now, right?

 

It doesn't mean immediately.

 

No, I haven't. I'm in my second ever long term relationship and I ended the first one.

 

Well, the truth of the matter is, if things don't work out with your girlfriend, it will hurt, but you will eventually get over it and be okay. Believe me, I've had my heart ripped out of my chest more often than I care to count. (Okay, 4 times). If I've learned one thing, it's that I always end up in a better place in the long term, once I've processed the loss. Heartbreak has always thought me loads about myself.

Edited May 6, 2011 by Kamille

[vsmini]

I am scared that he doesn't love me or care about me and that he is just going through the motions. How do you even tell what the person is REALLY feeling/thinking?

 

You can't. Ever. It will drive you nuts and ruin every relationship you attempt to be in if you always question everything that is happening. I've been there and it gets you nowhere. I think something heartbreaking will have to happen to you for you to learn that lesson and really understand it. That or therapy. I suggest therapy because you sound like you have some really deep-rooted self-esteem issues. I'm surprised you haven't actively sought therapy - who wants to feel like that all the time? It's miserable!

[Star Gazer]

The problem here isn't his actions. I'm sure that when you think about it, you realize that his actions speak to someone who enjoys spending time with you, who is letting himself fall in love with you, who is committed to the relationship.

 

The problem here is that you don't trust your own instincts. You struggle to accept that everything is going well and, instead, you're spending time looking for clues that things aren't going well.

 

When I feel like this, I remind myself of one thing: whatever happens, I will be ok.

 

This is also the moment when you should be thinking about your own feelings. Do you enjoy spending time with him? Are your feelings getting stronger for him? If so, then allow yourself to take the risk of trusting him for as long as the relationship makes you happy.

 

There's something generous about feeling in love. There's something brave about it. At one point, you're going to have to decide: "Yes, I'm crazy about this man so I will allow myself to fall in love". Or, you can also decide: "No, this relationship doesn't meet my needs, so I will move on". Either way, the guiding principle is how you feel. You need to find it yourself to believe in your own strength and to trust your capacity to make the right decisions for yourself.

 

:love:

[Survivor12]

"Again, agreed there. My parents made me and my brother the center of their universe. My mum bases all her happiness on me. When I broke up with the 5-week guy (when he dumped me) my mum cried for days. I was upset at the loss of that realtionship but I was even more upset that I have let my mum down. It's really hard that I know she has not had an easy life (abusive childhood etc) and I want to make her happy. Yet I am failing at that. She also wants grandchildren. She is not pressuring me but I see it in her eyes every time one of my friends has a baby or gets married. She wants this more than anything else in the world. It's such a strong subconcious thing for her that she doesn't realize the amount of pressure she is putting on me. I tried talking to her about it but she always keeps saying that she only wants me to be happy. It always ends in an argument. She is convinced that she knows better what will make me happy than I do. It's hard for me to be reasponsible for my mum's happiness. I have come to the point where I hide a lot of dating stuff from her because most things don't last and I don't want to get her hopes up. We talk every day and I lie about spending the night at home when I am really at bf's."

 

I truly believe that this is at the root of your problem, ES...Could it be that you are judging this relationship based on what you think your MOM would be satisfied with instead of how YOU feel? That you aren't able to let go for anything short of what you perceive as being "perfect" in your mother's eyes for fear of disappointing her?

 

And, just for the record, after reading this, I can better understand why it appears that you're looking for attention. I believe that you are actually looking for a place where you can lay it all out on the line...everything about yourself & your feelings--good and bad--and not be abandoned or ignored or worried about disappointing or hurting someone...because you can't do it in real life.

 

Look, I understand that you love your mother and that it is easier to blame yourself for your shortcomings than to accept that perhaps it is your love and concern for HER that is what is causing your problems with relationships. You see, I can personally relate to what I am telling you. I adored my mother and it wasn't until after her death 17 years ago that I began to realize just how much my relationship with her had controlled my life. Fortunately, with the help of a wonderful therapist, I was able to explore my feelings both for and about her--and despite missing her and loving her every bit as much as I ever did--I learned to separate my own feelings from hers.

 

There is a book that was recommended to me that I believe may help you. It is titled, "My Mother, Myself" by Nancy Friday. I highly suggest giving it a read.

[ZebraPants]

Survivor, right on. Thanks for doing the research.

 

ES, why can't you accept what your boyfriend actually DOES and SHOWS you as being more crucial than theoretical stuff about "relationships" that he shares with you?

 

According to what you shared, he could not possibly give you any more attention and positive strokes than he does.

 

"Crazy in love" often resembles stalking, neediness, emptiness, obsession, and other loserly characteristics, none of which your boyfriend appears to have. You think this is a "BAD" thing, and are considering breaking up with him over it?

 

You certainly have revealed many dramatic episodes about yourself over your many years, alters and thousands of posts here on LS. When you were "crazy in love," were you at your best? When you were acting like a needy stalker, did you shine?

 

If you don't like him, by all means, break it off and free him up to find a woman who will appreciate all the great stuff he evidently is ready to bring to a relationship. But I hope you are aware that probably more than 99% of the mature people who are in successful long term (maybe lifetime) relationships base them more upon compatibility, respect, and maintenance of boundaries than "crazy in love." That's what holds up to time, and helps people bring out the best in one another.

 

Does that have any appeal to you?

 

This is what I needed to hear regarding my own personal situation.

[Mme. Chaucer]

External validation +1

 

 

p.s. do you think I am crazier than one_goal?

 

The way you "handle" your reliably tantalizing threads is profoundly similar.

[Eternal Sunshine]

 

And, just for the record, after reading this, I can better understand why it appears that you're looking for attention. I believe that you are actually looking for a place where you can lay it all out on the line...everything about yourself & your feelings--good and bad--and not be abandoned or ignored or worried about disappointing or hurting someone...because you can't do it in real life.

 

 

YES! You nailed it here. I often wondered WHY do I need to come on LS and post so openly and honestly. I am not really an attention seeker in real life. I couldn't figure it out myself. I thought it was just down to me being obsessive and crazy.

 

But, the truth is there is absolutely no one in real life that I can be open with to this extent. My mum and me are close, talk every day etc but telling her all this would just be more disappointment for her.

 

I do have a number of friends, but they are more like someone to go out with than real, deep friendships. I feel like I am burdening them with my problems when I talk to them openly. I also feel like if I am not cheery, light and fun around them, they will abandon me.

 

On here, I feel like I am not burdening anyone. People can read my posts but they don't have to. They can respond (and I am grateful that they do) but again, they don't have to. None are really invested enough to be dissapointed in me. So I feel like this is a safe place for me to come and open up.

 

I am still not willing to admit to my mum issues, but thank you Survivor for figuring this part out.

[vsmini]

This is what I needed to hear regarding my own personal situation.

 

Zebra? What part of it? Because from what you mentioned in another thread it wasn't about being "crazy in love" but being truly in love at all.

[welikeincrowds]

YES! You nailed it here. I often wondered WHY do I need to come on LS and post so openly and honestly. I am not really an attention seeker in real life. I couldn't figure it out myself. I thought it was just down to me being obsessive and crazy.

 

But, the truth is there is absolutely no one in real life that I can be open with to this extent. My mum and me are close, talk every day etc but telling her all this would just be more disappointment for her.

 

I do have a number of friends, but they are more like someone to go out with than real, deep friendships. I feel like I am burdening them with my problems when I talk to them openly. I also feel like if I am not cheery, light and fun around them, they will abandon me.

 

On here, I feel like I am not burdening anyone. People can read my posts but they don't have to. They can respond (and I am grateful that they do) but again, they don't have to. None are really invested enough to be dissapointed in me. So I feel like this is a safe place for me to come and open up.

 

I am still not willing to admit to my mum issues, but thank you Survivor for figuring this part out.

 

 

You've just revealed that there is no particular source with whom you may have a deep and open connection, where you can reveal yourself, even though you have a significant desire for just that. We can call this a conflict.

 

So here are some guesses:

 

1. Could you say that that this same conflict is manifested, on a micro scale, between you and your mother? The desire to bond coupled with a fundamental reason why you are unable?

 

2. Could the anxiety you are experiencing with your SO right now be a consequence of these conflicts? You have some patterns with which you are familiar in which you are prohibited from opening up. You are unfamiliar with opening up, even though you deeply desire it. Add on some of the knacks and pitfalls of your character and you may have a basic foothold toward a fundamental understanding behind your fears.

[Kamille]

 

I do have a number of friends, but they are more like someone to go out with than real, deep friendships. I feel like I am burdening them with my problems when I talk to them openly. I also feel like if I am not cheery, light and fun around them, they will abandon me.

 

 

Would you abandon your friends if they came to you with a problem?

 

I know you don't want to dig deep into your relationship with your mom right now. I understand. The first time I started therapy, I quit because the therapist had asked me to write an angry letter to my mom (without giving it to her of course). To me, that was playing the blame game - and also asking me to question my loyalty to my mom. My mom was abused growing up. She had a rough childhood and she had numerous health issues which meant that I often felt (and feel) inclined to protect her.

 

I later went back to therapy and told this new therapist that I wasn't willing to write any angry letter to my mom. This therapist explained this was fairly common practice in CBT. That the letter is meant to help the patient recognize what events of our childhood have left us with cognitive distortions. It isn't meant to "blame the parent". In fact, the goal is to help the patient take responsibility for their own unmet needs. Say I constantly try to please my mom (seek validation) because as a child I would experience the days when she was tired and depressed as a personal rejection. CBT helps me recognize that 1) My mom's mood was out of my control and 2) that as an adult, my mom cannot give me the validation I need. I'm the only one who can do this.

 

I'm not sure I'm doing a good job explaining it, but the goal of CBT and the objective of the people here trying to get you to reflect on your childhood isn't to get you to shift blame on your parents. It's the opposite: those of us who've had good experiences with CBT seem to generally feel that the process has helped us "grow up" and take responsibility for some of the hang ups we inherited from childhood.

 

No parent is perfect. Parenting is hard. As adults though, we can take responsibility for the ways in which we interpreted our parents' actions as children. That's all CBT really is. I'm sure, for instance, that while you feel your mom is often disappointed in you, she's likely also often very proud of you. But you probably have stronger memories of the moments when your mom expressed disappointment as a child, precisely because you have acquired the belief that if you do right, she will be happy. As such, you discount the moments where you made her happy as the default setting (because you believe that's how it should be) and only focus on the moments when you feel you disappoint her.

 

Ok, I'm rambling. In fact I'm saying all this because from where I sit, it's pretty obvious that this:

 

My mum and me are close, talk every day etc but telling her all this would just be more disappointment for her.

 

is linked to this:

 

I also feel like if I am not cheery, light and fun around them, (my friends) will abandon me.

 

Somewhere you've acquired the belief that the most effective way to guarantee loyalty is to not show any vulnerabilities, to always be cheery, light and fun. You're supposed to keep it together, or else you might disappoint others. So I get back to my original question. What if your friends turned to your with their issues? Would you feel compelled to abandon them? I'm going to guess the answer is no. Then why would it be any different for you?

Edited May 6, 2011 by Kamille

[Nexus One]

YES! You nailed it here. I often wondered WHY do I need to come on LS and post so openly and honestly. I am not really an attention seeker in real life. I couldn't figure it out myself. I thought it was just down to me being obsessive and crazy.

 

But, the truth is there is absolutely no one in real life that I can be open with to this extent. My mum and me are close, talk every day etc but telling her all this would just be more disappointment for her.

 

I do have a number of friends, but they are more like someone to go out with than real, deep friendships. I feel like I am burdening them with my problems when I talk to them openly. I also feel like if I am not cheery, light and fun around them, they will abandon me.

 

On here, I feel like I am not burdening anyone. People can read my posts but they don't have to. They can respond (and I am grateful that they do) but again, they don't have to. None are really invested enough to be dissapointed in me. So I feel like this is a safe place for me to come and open up.

 

I am still not willing to admit to my mum issues, but thank you Survivor for figuring this part out.

 

Why not make your SO your trustee? In a prefect world he would be the one that knows you best. If you don't trust your SO with that, then who will you trust. Us? We're random strangers with perhaps the intention to lend a helping hand. He's the one that's real. You two is what's about.

 

That's not easy to do, especially not in the beginning, but then just wait until you feel ready for that. But LS shouldn't be a substitute for the real thing. We're mere random noise compared to the real thing, a cheap substitute compared to the real thing. And isn't the real thing what you really want deep in your heart?

[Mme. Chaucer]

LS shouldn't be a substitute for the real thing. We're mere random noise compared to the real thing, a cheap substitute compared to the real thing. And isn't the real thing what you really want deep in your heart?

 

Also, "the real thing" includes real life friendships.

[A O]

She isn't "beyond our help"

Time suggests otherwise. We long ago reached the stage of enablement, of being her shoulder to cry on, her crutch to lean on, of being the people who help her manage her self-sabotaging ways. She is akin to an addict (addicted to drama in this case) but all we do here is help manage the life of an addict rather than help rid the addiction from the person! At some point in time we all must realize that we’re hindering rather than helping her road towards meaningful, long-term change.

 

nor is it helping her to tell her about her "dysfunctional thinking".

Dysfunction is a more practical, commonly used term in this field than crazy. The latter she often uses. Dysfunctional thinking, which is exactly what she suffers from, highlights the process involved with a person without needing to judge the person themself. I believe it’s appropriate.

 

It's the awesome LS experience. Let's do our part to keep the love in the shack. Ha

The only love she really needs is tough love. She needs to hit rock bottom before any meaningful change may happen, as is the case for most people in her situation. We here are preventing this from happening.

 

 

,

[Eternal Sunshine]

A O - tough love is exactly the last thing I need. I respond very poorly to it. Tough love makes me think that nobody in this world cares - it's beyond depressing. It makes me want to retreat into myself and never trust anyone again. It validates all my negative beliefs about humans.

 

FYI - I am not even moving towards rock bottom. I feel like I am on my way up....your advice is often way off the mark.

[welikeincrowds]

Somewhere you've acquired the belief that the most effective way to guarantee loyalty is to not show any vulnerabilities, to always be cheery, light and fun.

 

http://bitly.com/lrSGfr

[A O]

A O - tough love is exactly the last thing I need. I respond very poorly to it. Tough love makes me think that nobody in this world cares - it's beyond depressing. It makes me want to retreat into myself and never trust anyone again. It validates all my negative beliefs about humans. FYI - I am not even moving towards rock bottom. I feel like I am on my way up....your advice is often way off the mark.

Sorry, but an addict doesn't get to dictate how they should be helped and neither should you. Everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt, deserves help for a short amount of time. But there comes a time, and two years for you at least, is long enough to understand that whatever help you're getting here simply isn't working, and is in fact - doing the opposite. You are very comfortable with the advice you're getting here, overall, simply because it helps you feel comfortable with your dysfunction - affords you to live on as you are.

 

You need professional help, but people here need to understand that, that is what you need the most.

 

.

[Nexus One]

Some people here seem to be pretty sure about ES needing professional help. May I ask why (some) people think that? I haven't been on this forum long enough to get that idea. From what I have seen, ES needs to let go, chill and really relax, she's constantly analyzing her relationship, often with what seems great intensity. The fact that she has sleepless nights when lying next to her SO emphasizes that she's tense about things. The idea I get from her posts is that she very much wants to have the perfect relationship and tries to anticipate the smallest little detail going wrong in order to see in what direction the relationship is heading. She often overreacts. What I don't understand is how that can happen to someone with a PhD, I then wonder where her rationality is. I think she's a perfectionist, but her own perfectionism is working against herself. She's over-analyzing so much that her mental program seems to crash every so now and then and negatively overreacts as a result, after which she starts to assume the worst case scenario(s).

 

Like I said earlier, her mind seems like a guitar string that has been set too tight, so that when you try to play it the tension is too high and it snaps. And as long as that is the case the music will not play.

 

She should try the strategy of letting go, just enjoying her relationship for however long it lasts. That's how you take the tension of that string.

 

If she doesn't enjoy her relationship(s) like that, then she misses the point of it. Analogy: You can be alive, but that doesn't mean you're living. She seems to experience her relationships like she's merely alive in them, like she needs to survive them, instead of drinking the nectar of the good life.

 

But we all do that sometimes, is it mental illness? I'm not sure, we'd all be somewhat crazy when that is the case. I think it stems from the fact that deep inside we all know what we really want. We want to "dance", but it's raining on us. Yet it's not about the rain, it's about dancing in the rain.

 

Nobody is getting younger by the day. This is it people, this life is it. The moment you're living in now is the purpose of it all, it is all there is to you. To you, the purpose of life is life itself. When you have the chance to let go and ride that train, then you better let go, because it is for those moments that we live.

Edited May 6, 2011 by Nexus One

[threebyfate]

Just got caught up with this thread. BRU-TAL.

 

ES, just relax and let it happen. Your guy is a rational type where he's not going to be overly-effusive. But what he brings is consistency to the table.

 

As far as having an overly-critical mother and being drawn to those types, it has nothing to do with your b/f. You're accustomed to feelings of anxiety so without it, within your healthy relationship, you feel something's missing.

 

LS is both bad and good for you. It allows you to vent which is good. It also feeds that anxiety since everyone is hammering on you, some nitpicking, others positive and others insightful, all at the same time. I'm also guessing that your mother and possibly your father, focused a lot of attention on you. So between the attention and the feelings of anxiety, it gives you a sense of comfort, that people care.

 

Relax, that anxiety isn't helpful and neither is the negative attention.

[A O]

Some people here seem to be pretty sure about ES needing professional help. May I ask why (some) people think that?

Simple answer is – time. The same issues continue to arise for ES despite receiving copious amounts of advice over a long period of time here. Clearly the advice isn’t having any meaningful affect on her. At some point in time the helpers need to realize that there really isn’t anything they can do to help her, and that in fact, they may well be hindering her progress by not referring her to someone more qualified than them.

 

From my own perspective, I’m simply parroting what numerous psychologists, psychiatrists, councilors and others in this field have concluded or recommended to people who have exhibited similar behaviors to ES.

 

She should try the strategy of letting go, just enjoying her relationship for however long it lasts. That's how you take the tension of that string.

Your advice and quite frankly the advice of most people here is well suited to those with surface level issues. They are the one’s who are unsure when met with a situation or circumstance that is unfamiliar to them. But for those with deep underlying issues, those with a history, and pattern of drama, of uncertainty in their life – they need something different to what you and most here are advising.

 

 

.

[Cee]

A O brought up a point I never considered.

 

Personally, I am in therapy for my sundry psychological issues. I consider Love Shack a distraction, a fun hobby.

 

If somebody told me they were using Love Shack as their only source of mental health support, I'd be worried. This isn't a substitute for counseling. Some of the advice dished out has been pretty terrible. I have kept quiet about it, but AO has reminded me that LS is not benign for those using it to self-medicate a psych condition.

 

Daily Strength is a web site that is better suited to psychological support. Or at least I have found it that way.

[OliveOyl]

33% of people get better in therapy.

 

33% of people stay the same.

 

And 33% of people get worse.

 

I've always thought "professional therapy" was overrated (and yes, I've had it).

 

There is one therapy that seems to be the best healer of all...

 

TIME.

[Eternal Sunshine]

http://bitly.com/lrSGfr

 

awesome

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just got caught up with this thread. BRU-TAL.

 

ES, just relax and let it happen. Your guy is a rational type where he's not going to be overly-effusive. But what he brings is consistency to the table.

 

As far as having an overly-critical mother and being drawn to those types, it has nothing to do with your b/f. You're accustomed to feelings of anxiety so without it, within your healthy relationship, you feel something's missing.

 

LS is both bad and good for you. It allows you to vent which is good. It also feeds that anxiety since everyone is hammering on you, some nitpicking, others positive and others insightful, all at the same time. I'm also guessing that your mother and possibly your father, focused a lot of attention on you. So between the attention and the feelings of anxiety, it gives you a sense of comfort, that people care.

 

Relax, that anxiety isn't helpful and neither is the negative attention.

 

Agreed TBF.

 

My bf is INTJ and maybe he simply perceives the world in a different way than a hard-core romantic would.

 

As for LS, sometimes I feel that returning to my threads over and over again makes me over-analyze things even more. On the other hand, it helps me get my thoughts out that would otherwise build up inside with no outlet.