This is kind of bothering me.....seriously :(

[Eternal Sunshine]

Are you kidding?

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything he said.

 

I'm about to throw away my computer and cancel my internet connection.

 

You don't get the sense that he is blowing me off?

[Eternal Sunshine]

See, in that text convo, I have again blatantly let my insecurities out. This is now second time this week. I went 2 MONTHS without acting insecure in any way and now this.... If I keep this s.. up he will dump me (which may be for the best).

[oaks]

me: I am thinking of staying over tomorrow night.

 

him: We will see - you can stay over whenever you like (note: I wasn't sure why he said "we will see")

 

You invited yourself over to stay, and he's just teasing you (and included a smiley so that you might know this)... and then he immediately gave you the true answer that you can stay whenever.

 

Texts are hard to get right since you can't hear the voice or see any body language and also you have a record of it in your phone to over-analyse. There's nothing wrong in this conversation!

 

Previous advice still applies: Worry less.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Damn, you're good.

 

But don't conflate terms. "Drawn," as I understand it, refers to your reaction to an addictive byproduct of some negative pattern of yours. It's doesn't refer to the same feeling as love, or being in love, or earnest affection.

 

At least, I think that's it. It's all a little confusing to me now that your childhood got thrown in.

 

Not sure what my childhood has to do with any of this. My parents were beyond loving. Childhood is a non-issue. Sure, my parents pushed me to excel at school and mum was often critical of my weight. But all of that was done tactfully and lovingly. If anything, I should have some body hang ups. But I have none - I can take all my clothes off in the broad daylight and not feel insecure. And I am grateful for them pushing me to do well at school. My family (including my brother) are all full of pure love for each other. We support one another in every way to this day. They are like a safe harbor for me and have been nothing but a positive influence in my life.

 

Why am I so fckued up? I don't know....

[welikeincrowds]

You don't get the sense that he is blowing me off?

 

No, and I'm already on the phone with Time Warner.

 

See, in that text convo, I have again blatantly let my insecurities out. This is now second time this week. I went 2 MONTHS without acting insecure in any way and now this.... If I keep this s.. up he will dump me (which may be for the best).

 

Nope, it just looks like you were trying to be polite. You invited yourself over, he gave a vague flirtatious response, you weren't sure how to interpret and double checked that you weren't being too presumptuous, you weren't, convo over. We know what you were really thinking but it didn't come across that way.

 

Don't play this game with yourself like you're damaged goods and it's only a matter of time until he finds out and you have to leave the country. You're insecure like 80% of the planet and it's not the end of the world. Just keep working on it in good faith because you want and need to for your own sake.

[Lilmisus]

You know..I could have sworn a few months ago that you wanted to set the pace at this relationship and that you didn't want to rush into anything. That was the reason that you wanted to wait to have sex, wasn't it? You wanted to keep talk and dates to a minimum of only a couple times a week..didn't you? What was the point? To have the upper hand, or to have a chance at a good, honest relationship?

 

My current bf of 23 days (lol) wanted to see me a lot over the week but I asked him if we could see each other 2x a week and I explained my desire to take things slow. He agreed and commented that this is the smart way to do it.

If you didn't want to rush sex, why rush love? Why must he be so in love with you in only a couple of months (two months of dating is nothing, really!)? Why did you want to take things slowly at the beginning but now it's "he doesn't love me yet, will he ever?" Why the change of heart?

 

Maybe what you need is to take a couple of days to yourself (maybe cancel staying with him this weekend). Re-evaluate what you're real looking for him and why you're freaking out right now. Take a breather and do a little much needed soul-searching. It might do you some good.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You know..I could have sworn a few months ago that you wanted to set the pace at this relationship and that you didn't want to rush into anything. That was the reason that you wanted to wait to have sex, wasn't it? You wanted to keep talk and dates to a minimum of only a couple times a week..didn't you? What was the point? To have the upper hand, or to have a chance at a good, honest relationship?

 

If you didn't want to rush sex, why rush love? Why must he be so in love with you in only a couple of months (two months of dating is nothing, really!)? Why did you want to take things slowly at the beginning but now it's "he doesn't love me yet, will he ever?" Why the change of heart?

 

Maybe what you need is to take a couple of days to yourself (maybe cancel staying with him this weekend). Re-evaluate what you're real looking for him and why you're freaking out right now. Take a breather and do a little much needed soul-searching. It might do you some good.

 

I think that once we started having sex, I got more attached. It's hard to explain but it always happens to me. That's why I was hesitant to have sex early on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No, and I'm already on the phone with Time Warner.

 

 

 

Nope, it just looks like you were trying to be polite. You invited yourself over, he gave a vague flirtatious response, you weren't sure how to interpret and double checked that you weren't being too presumptuous, you weren't, convo over. We know what you were really thinking but it didn't come across that way.

 

Don't play this game with yourself like you're damaged goods and it's only a matter of time until he finds out and you have to leave the country. You're insecure like 80% of the planet and it's not the end of the world. Just keep working on it in good faith because you want and need to for your own sake.

 

hey - thanks welike. That post is actually kind of comforting - who knew you had in you

[betterdeal]

You think too much

 

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Thinking-Too-Much

Edited May 5, 2011 by betterdeal

[zengirl]

And he feels the same way.....so is there really a point to this R?

 

Only you can answer that, ES.

 

Pretend for a moment that the issues of being dumped or hurt or whatever simply don't exist---they are fully neutral. With those issues irrelevant, do you want to be in this relationship? Does it make you happy? Do YOU feel it's going somewhere?

 

You focus way too much on whether or not HE thinks it's going somewhere. And it's silly because you know a guy can tell you he's falling in love with you one minute (maybe even mean it) and break up with you the next. People are all different, and you never really know what you're getting, certainly not at 3 months! Love is a strange things.

 

Your job, at this point, is to figure out if based on YOUR feelings, YOU think this is going somewhere. If you feel like it could, then there's a point. If all this dissonance is coming because you really don't think you could fall for this guy, then, no, there's no point to this relationship (no healthy one anyway at your age) and that's a different story. But if it's just you're scared he's never going to fall in love with you, that's a silly thing to worry about because you have absolutely no control over it and either way, worrying about it only serves to make you unhappy. There's no "move" you can make to make yourself happy about that.

[A O]

Not sure what my childhood has to do with any of this.

One's childhood, upbringing or formative years, is the major influence that determines the quality of the relationships we may form.

 

My parents were beyond loving. Childhood is a non-issue. Sure, my parents pushed me to excel at school and mum was often critical of my weight. But all of that was done tactfully and lovingly.

Perfection, the need to be perfect, the need to live up to your parents high expectations and the subsequent failure to do so (in your eyes) may well be the source of all your issues. This, unfortunately, is a reasonably common occurrence.

 

Why am I so fckued up? I don't know....

As mentioned a few times before, no one here really knows either. That is why I beat the same ole drum over and over - go and see the people who know best!!

 

 

.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Only you can answer that, ES.

 

Pretend for a moment that the issues of being dumped or hurt or whatever simply don't exist---they are fully neutral. With those issues irrelevant, do you want to be in this relationship? Does it make you happy? Do YOU feel it's going somewhere?

 

You focus way too much on whether or not HE thinks it's going somewhere. And it's silly because you know a guy can tell you he's falling in love with you one minute (maybe even mean it) and break up with you the next. People are all different, and you never really know what you're getting, certainly not at 3 months! Love is a strange things.

 

Your job, at this point, is to figure out if based on YOUR feelings, YOU think this is going somewhere. If you feel like it could, then there's a point. If all this dissonance is coming because you really don't think you could fall for this guy, then, no, there's no point to this relationship (no healthy one anyway at your age) and that's a different story. But if it's just you're scared he's never going to fall in love with you, that's a silly thing to worry about because you have absolutely no control over it and either way, worrying about it only serves to make you unhappy. There's no "move" you can make to make yourself happy about that.

 

Well I don't know. At this point I really don't know. I am not head over heels for him (despite my anxiety which is more to do with myself than any guy I am dating). But then, I was NEVER head over heels with any guy that was actually available and interested in a relationship with me. So I can't just decide based on that, the way that normal person can.

 

Last bf (the 5-week guy) literally told me that he is falling in love with me one day and then broke up with me few days later. He was also "blown away" by me from date 1, passion was off the scale (yet I didn't feel like I was head over heels for him either, at any point). Before I became official with my current bf, I actually went to see him. He kept asking to see me for ages and we met up. None of the attraction that I once felt was there. He tried to kiss me and I was repulsed.

 

Overall zengirl, I am 32 and I can honestly say that I have never been in love. So I have no idea what it's supposed to feel like. I have no idea if I am even capable of it.

[OpenBook]

Overall zengirl, I am 32 and I can honestly say that I have never been in love. So I have no idea what it's supposed to feel like. I have no idea if I am even capable of it.

 

Well then, maybe that right there is the issue. Not a flaw (in you or anyone else), and not a problem - just the underlying issue to what's bugging you right now. It just hasn't happened for you yet - the "real thing" I mean.

[SmileFace]

No, and I'm already on the phone with Time Warner.

.

Haha, your funny

[Eternal Sunshine]

Haha, your funny

 

He is not always funny, but that was pretty good. I chuckled.

[Survivor12]

You don't get the sense that he is blowing me off?

 

Not in the least. What I DO get a sense of is you looking for a way to make him WANT to dump you.

 

Honestly, I would bet dollars to donuts that if he were to pull away from you & begin to treat you like ****, you would suddenly find yourself feeling those "butterflies" that you keep talking about.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel like he is pulling away already.

 

Last 2 days, I was the one who initiated contact. Tonight he was supposed to let me know about tomorrow's plans and he didn't contact me.

 

I actually deleted his number to resist the urge to ask him first.

 

I am not going to contact him first about any of it, or for any reason and see what he does. He will most likely never contact me again.

[oaks]

He will most likely never contact me again.

 

Now you're being a silly mare. He has strong feelings for you, remember?

 

Stop worrying!

[Els]

I feel like he is pulling away already.

 

Last 2 days, I was the one who initiated contact. Tonight he was supposed to let me know about tomorrow's plans and he didn't contact me.

 

I actually deleted his number to resist the urge to ask him first.

 

I am not going to contact him first about any of it, or for any reason and see what he does. He will most likely never contact me again.

 

....Whoa. Holy overreaction. You initiate contact for all of TWO days and you believe it's over.

 

If you have actually been correct about this for all of your past relationships, you need to reassess the type of guy you're dating. If you haven't been, you need to reassess why you're going down that path for no real reason.

[Kamille]

I can honestly say that I have never been in love

 

The main reason why you aren't "in love" with this guy and weren't "in love" with 5 weeks guy is because : You're scared.

 

You're doing it in this very thread. You're finding reasons to fuel your fear, reasons to justify keeping yourself at an emotional distance from this guy.

 

You say yourself that if your current guy was able to convince you he was "Tom-Cruise-Crazy" about you, then maybe you could feel something more. Basically, you would want him to be 100% in before you even allow yourself to be 50% in.

 

You believe that being the one "less in love" would give you more control in the relationship, probably because of whatever horrific dating experience you had in your 20s (if I remember correctly, you had a long term on-and-off relationship).

 

 

 

Not sure what my childhood has to do with any of this. My parents were beyond loving. Childhood is a non-issue. Sure, my parents pushed me to excel at school and mum was often critical of my weight. But all of that was done tactfully and lovingly. If anything, I should have some body hang ups. But I have none - I can take all my clothes off in the broad daylight and not feel insecure. And I am grateful for them pushing me to do well at school. My family (including my brother) are all full of pure love for each other. We support one another in every way to this day. They are like a safe harbor for me and have been nothing but a positive influence in my life.

 

 

My parents are amazingly loving and amazingly supportive, but my childhood still has left me with anxiety issues. Does one of your parents struggle with anxiety issues? Is one of them a perfectionist? Did they blur the boundaries between you and them in the following way: did they make your successes and your perfection a central part of their own "self-hood"? Example: my mom wanted us to be achievers and to be perfect daughters so that she could prove to others that she was a great mom. An upbringing like that leaves you open to constantly seeking external validation. Not only do you have to please your parents, you have to please the world.

 

You are success-driven. It just so happens that you believe being in a relationship is central to defining yourself as a successful person. You're reported tidbits here which have led me to believe that you believe your mom also defines success that way. And while you say you don't have body issues, you also have a history of making a link between three things: how you look, your success in getting guys interested in you and your own self esteem. There's something to unpack there.

 

I feel like he is pulling away already.

 

Last 2 days, I was the one who initiated contact. Tonight he was supposed to let me know about tomorrow's plans and he didn't contact me.

 

I actually deleted his number to resist the urge to ask him first.

 

I am not going to contact him first about any of it, or for any reason and see what he does. He will most likely never contact me again.

 

Good job on not contacting him! There's nothing wrong, when you feel insecure, with letting the other person make the next move. You shouldn't, however, focus on feeling the insecurity. You should, instead, do activities which help you center yourself. Again: what can you do that makes you feel happy, secure, worthwhile, interesting, sexy all on your own?

 

See, in that text convo, I have again blatantly let my insecurities out. This is now second time this week. I went 2 MONTHS without acting insecure in any way and now this.... If I keep this s.. up he will dump me (which may be for the best).

 

You showed insecurity and your guy responded spendidly. As has been said, everyone gets insecure. You're doing a good job reigning yourself in - those two "instances" of insecurity you describe are really low-key and I agree with your bf that they're cute.

 

I wonder if your sudden anxiety has to do with the fact that you're starting to fall for this guy, and it's making you want to 1) overanalyze 2) pull away.

[betterdeal]

Or all the attention this thread feeds a never ending desire for external validation.

[Survivor12]

I feel like he is pulling away already.

 

Last 2 days, I was the one who initiated contact. Tonight he was supposed to let me know about tomorrow's plans and he didn't contact me.

 

I actually deleted his number to resist the urge to ask him first.

 

I am not going to contact him first about any of it, or for any reason and see what he does. He will most likely never contact me again.

 

But, if he does, I'm sure you'll come up with some reason why it wasn't enough to satisfy you since you are hell bent on finding something to agonize over to bring on those butterflies.

 

Besides, we all know how the ratings drop when there's no drama to keep you hanging on the edge of your seat. Stay tuned.

[Survivor12]

Or all the attention this thread feeds a never ending desire for external validation.

 

I was writing when you were posting...amazing how we both had the same thought (or is it just too damned obvious?)

[Eternal Sunshine]

The main reason why you aren't "in love" with this guy and weren't "in love" with 5 weeks guy is because : You're scared.

 

You're doing it in this very thread. You're finding reasons to fuel your fear, reasons to justify keeping yourself at an emotional distance from this guy.

 

You say yourself that if your current guy was able to convince you he was "Tom-Cruise-Crazy" about you, then maybe you could feel something more. Basically, you would want him to be 100% in before you even allow yourself to be 50% in.

 

You believe that being the one "less in love" would give you more control in the relationship, probably because of whatever horrific dating experience you had in your 20s (if I remember correctly, you had a long term on-and-off relationship).

 

Yes, that's what people in this thread do not understand. I would feel safer to fall in love if I knew that he was really in love with me. He is not there yet and that makes it extra scary to even let go a little.

 

 

My parents are amazingly loving and amazingly supportive, but my childhood still has left me with anxiety issues. Does one of your parents struggle with anxiety issues? Is one of them a perfectionist? Did they blur the boundaries between you and them in the following way: did they make your successes and your perfection a central part of their own "self-hood"? Example: my mom wanted us to be achievers and to be perfect daughters so that she could prove to others that she was a great mom. An upbringing like that leaves you open to constantly seeking external validation. Not only do you have to please your parents, you have to please the world.

Again, agreed there. My parents made me and my brother the center of their universe. My mum bases all her happiness on me. When I broke up with the 5-week guy (when he dumped me) my mum cried for days. I was upset at the loss of that realtionship but I was even more upset that I have let my mum down. It's really hard that I know she has not had an easy life (abusive childhood etc) and I want to make her happy. Yet I am failing at that. She also wants grandchildren. She is not pressuring me but I see it in her eyes every time one of my friends has a baby or gets married. She wants this more than anything else in the world. It's such a strong subconcious thing for her that she doesn't realize the amount of pressure she is putting on me. I tried talking to her about it but she always keeps saying that she only wants me to be happy. It always ends in an argument. She is convinced that she knows better what will make me happy than I do. It's hard for me to be reasponsible for my mum's happiness. I have come to the point where I hide a lot of dating stuff from her because most things don't last and I don't want to get her hopes up. We talk every day and I lie about spending the night at home when I am really at bf's.

 

I am not even sure if I want children at all. Yet, I would gladly have them if it meant giving my mum few years of happiness. Yes, to my mum success = husband + kids. No amount of career success means a thing. It's the opposite for my dad. So to keep them both happy I would have to have a) brilliant career b) H and about 3 kids.

 

Once when I stayed over at my mum's and dad's I found her diary. I couldn't resist and had a look. It was mostly filled with how dissapointed she is in me and how my life turned out. It hurt me as I think I have done well at about every other area of life apart from having H + kids. Yet, she doesn't seem to see those positive points.

 

My brother generally gets off easy as he was judged as "less talented" by both of my parents and they don't expect much from him.

 

On the flip side, my mum is extremely loving, caring, nurtiting and always there for me. She has made many sacrifices for me too. It's a tough situation.

 

 

 

Good job on not contacting him! There's nothing wrong, when you feel insecure, with letting the other person make the next move. You shouldn't, however, focus on feeling the insecurity. You should, instead, do activities which help you center yourself. Again: what can you do that makes you feel happy, secure, worthwhile, interesting, sexy all on your own?

 

 

 

You showed insecurity and your guy responded spendidly. As has been said, everyone gets insecure. You're doing a good job reigning yourself in - those two "instances" of insecurity you describe are really low-key and I agree with your bf that they're cute.

 

I wonder if your sudden anxiety has to do with the fact that you're starting to fall for this guy, and it's making you want to 1) overanalyze 2) pull away.

I have only been having sex with this guy for a few weeks. Beginning of sexual relationship makes me extra nervous because 1) that's when lot of guys start to lose interest and 2) my feelings get stronger and I start feeling more afraid of getting hurt

 

Perhaps I am starting to fall for him without conciously really wanting to admit to that. I mean do you make a thread this long about someone you don't have feelings for? I don't think so.

 

P.S. He just FB messaged me about the details of tomorrow's plans. He didn't sound overly warm, but at least he got back to me tonight, like he said he would. I am going to pull back a bit from him in general. Just little things, like initiate contact less, not ask him to stay over and such.

Edited May 5, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine

[Star Gazer]

I was writing when you were posting...amazing how we both had the same thought (or is it just too damned obvious?)

 

I agree with both of you as well.

 

I really feel like LS does a disservice to ES, even those who hold her hand through the whole thing. The constant analysis - whether positive, negative or neutral - feeds her anxiety.

 

She's scared and paralyzed... She has yet to make any progress, in all the years she's been here. She's got paralysis by analysis.

 

If she were forced to deal with all of this on her own, I think she'd learn. I mean, it's not like she EVER takes anyone's advice. She posts and then disregards and does something impulsive. It's always groundhog day for her here...