I feel guilty about the No Contact Rule.

[Fufu]

Another amazing entry from Natalie of baggagereclaim.com that I will like to share with everyone here.

 

This entry is about some people feel the guilt of going No Contact. Questioning themselves is it morally wrong to disregard someone without explanation.

 

Natalie speaks in a woman's perspective. However, I also believe this entry can be applied to both men and women.

 

Link: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-i-feel-guilty-about-the-no-contact-rule-is-it-morally-wrong-to-disregard-someone-without-explaination/

 

Relationship Advice: I feel guilty about the No Contact Rule. Is it morally wrong to disregard someone without explanation.

 

Phoebe asks: “I cut contact with my EUM (Mr Unavailable) six weeks ago. He continues to call and I continue to sit on my hands until the phone has finished ringing. I’m very proud of the progress I have made. The problem is I continually vacillate between feeling a sense of personal power and feeling guilt over cutting contact with him without telling him why. If someone did this to me, I would be devastated. The no Contact Rule is easily the most selfish act I have performed in over a decade.

 

I understand that it is not necessary for me to speak with him in order to move on. But can you please explain to me, why it is not morally wrong to discard another person without explanation?”

 

 

NML says: I’m not keen on Dear John letters, or breaking up with people by text or email, or just disappearing into the night. If you’ve been in a relationship with someone, it’s a disrespect of the person. However…and there is a big however, no matter what you think you had or have with your Mr Unavailable, a ‘relationship’ full of respect is not one of them.

 

When I suggest to people that they instigate the No Contact Rule, it’s because they have exhausted all other avenues.The No Contact Rule is for breaking up with men that don’t want to break…but they don’t want to give you what you want either and step up to the plate. It’s ideal for men that blow hot as soon as you tell them to get lost, and blow cold as soon as your behaviour gives even the remotest hint that you’re back in line again and that you might ‘need’ them or ‘expect’ something from them.

 

Morals differ from person to person so the reason why you take issue with is because if you were to be treated in the same way, you would regard it as morally wrong. That’s fair enough. But don’t you think that it is morally wrong for an emotionally unavailable man to breeze into your life, lead you on a merry dance showing you his wonderful self in the beginning, start blowing cold as soon as he gets ‘nervous’ and then tie you up in ambiguity, broken promises, and mismatched words and actions?

 

Don’t you think it’s morally wrong for him to enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without actually being in one with you and refusing to commit…to anything? He can’t commit to being with you, he can’t commit to not being with you, but he won’t leave you alone, stop looking for sex, and generally using you for an ego stroke and sounding board?

 

There is absolutely nothing to stop you from going to your Mr Unavailable, telling him it is over, don’t call me, contact me, speak to me, attempt anything, whatever…and then starting your No Contact Rule. If that will make you sleep easier at night then so be it but…and there is a but…if you’ve got to the point where you feel the need to cut contact, it’s not exactly suggestive of a man who is going to respect your decision. When we feel the need to explain our actions, be sure that you understand your motivations for doing so:

Are you telling him what you’re doing because you really want to explain it so that you don’t feel selfish?Or are you telling him because you hope that it will galvanise him into Mr Ready for Love and Commitment Guy?

 

Let me be real with you – If you have been involved with a Mr Unavailable, every single act that he does is out of selfishness. He doesn’t care what you think or want, and his actions are in contradiction with his words. Yes you’re a grown woman and you have facilitated the relationship and his behaviour, but unless you are schooled in how to deal with these assclowns, it’s pretty damn confusing when you tell a man to beat it but they still won’t beat it but they still don’t play ball either.

 

This isn’t tit for tat, and I’m not saying he’s selfish so be selfish, but I am saying stop thinking about this assclown and start thinking about you. If you have the time and energy to be worrying about what he thinks, you haven’t come far enough yet and you’re probably in that stage where you may be spending some time obsessing about what he might be doing/saying/thinking right now.

 

The scariest thing – You’re sitting there being worried about being selfish and it is unlikely that he has expended even 5% of the volume of your energy considering what you have done. Planet Penis La La Land doesn’t even cover it….

 

Be proud of your decision and embrace what you have done. He has not embraced you and put both of his feet into the relationship and he discarded you many a time before you got to this juncture. You’re giving waaay too much thought to this guy and you’re giving waaaay too much storage space to guilt. Guilt is not going to achieve anything. You go and speak to him and explain your ‘discarding’ him and not only do you break your silence, but you exchange one set of thoughts and possibly guilt for another. Shouldn’t you be more worried about why you still worry more about what he thinks and feels, than what you do?

 

Put yourself first and do what benefits your self-esteem most. If that turns out to be that you won’t rest easy until you do things the official way, so be it. If it turns out that this is a wobbly moment of self-doubt, spend some time focusing on your happiness and see how you feel in a few weeks time. Nothing is set in stone. Some people ease their way to No Contact and gradually distance themselves and ease themselves out of it and others because they have been down the road already many a time, have done the talking, the wheedling, the crying, the begging, and the God only knows what else, see no other option but to cut contact.

YOU know why. And you know what, even if you told him why you have cut contact with him, he is so distant from the reality of his actions and so disconnected, that he won’t comprehend what you’re explaining or may even be defensive and angry. The emotional capacity of a stone comes to mind….

 

I hope this wonderful article by Natalie gives members here a better understanding of NC, as well as members are in the midst of NC and are still in dilemma by their decision to choose NC.

[Blueberry7691]

THANK YOU FUFU for the great articles you've been posting. I'm reading them and they're helping.

[dressing up]

This article is like me writing it. I feel guilty for doing that to my guy friend. How could I be so cruel to another human being?!

[Fufu]

Blueberry7691: You are most welcome. Natalie is fantastic, I will pick up some entries that I believe they will help everyone

 

dressing up: Going NC is not being cruel. You are not being cruel. You have to see this. If our exes do not put us first, don't you think it is not necessary for us to put them first? Also, even if the relationship is not broken up, I still believe in loving ourselves as well because in relationship, people change, relationship changes. Unexpected things can happen.

[dressing up]

dressing up: Going NC is not being cruel. You are not being cruel. You have to see this. If our exes do not put us first, don't you think it is not necessary for us to put them first? Also, even if the relationship is not broken up, I still believe in loving ourselves as well because in relationship, people change, relationship changes. Unexpected things can happen.

 

What about forgiveness? I know this is philosophical but is it okay to forgive someone even if they've hurt you?

 

I wish I could be like some invisible thing around my guy friend, knowing how he is after I went NC and how he feels toward my actions.

[Fufu]

Be honest to your feelings. By feeling bad for seeking NC, is it a form of forgiveness? Personally, I don't think so.

 

You can accept forgiveness when you are emotionally ready. Right now, be truthful to yourself. Forgiveness that is rushed to make is not forgiveness, it's most likely called Foolish. (Sorry to use this word)

 

Don't focus all your energy on him anymore, it's going to tire you out emotionally. In the past, I tend to focus everything on him as well, afraid that NC is going to make him drift further away from me.

 

However, I have come to convince myself that holding on to someone that is not holding on to me is causing me so much hurt than I can bear with.

 

After going through months of NC, I've become happier and clearer of my decision that I do have to spare a thought for myself more. And because of NC, I no longer focus my energy on my ex-bf anymore.

 

Ultimately, I am accountable and responsible of my own life. If I still continue to hurt myself because he left me and/or because I seek NC, I am hurting myself and if this goes on and on, I will be the one end up not being able to forgive myself.

[radiodarcy]

What about forgiveness? I know this is philosophical but is it okay to forgive someone even if they've hurt you?

 

I wish I could be like some invisible thing around my guy friend, knowing how he is after I went NC and how he feels toward my actions.

 

i tried the forgiveness route. overtime i realized all it did was allow my ex to continue his shabby treatment which only made me feel worse and worse - - because somewhere in my warped mind i thought i deserved it. overtime i realized my ex didn't want my forgiveness - - he just wanted to move on with his life and for for me to do the same. sooo i have

 

i still have the urge to contact him. in fact - - i found myself fighting the urge to do so last night. i didn't do it though- - because i knew if i did i would have not only broken 8 weeks of NC but i wouldn't have gotten the answer i wanted either.

[GrayClouds]

What about forgiveness? I know this is philosophical but is it okay to forgive someone even if they've hurt you?

 

I wish I could be like some invisible thing around my guy friend, knowing how he is after I went NC and how he feels toward my actions.

 

NC is not about punishment or guilt it is about caring for yourself and putting your need to heal first. It is also not an action you do to get a reaction from the other person. First and formats it is about keeping focus on yourself and relearning how to enjoy life on your own.

[dressing up]

Be honest to your feelings. By feeling bad for seeking NC, is it a form of forgiveness? Personally, I don't think so.

 

You can accept forgiveness when you are emotionally ready. Right now, be truthful to yourself. Forgiveness that is rushed to make is not forgiveness, it's most likely called Foolish. (Sorry to use this word)

 

No worries. I don't think feeling bad about NC is forgiveness. That's why I'm thinking of actually forgiving him.

 

Don't focus all your energy on him anymore, it's going to tire you out emotionally.

 

I don't think I focus all my energy on him. When I'm busy, I don't think about him.

 

i still have the urge to contact him. in fact - - i found myself fighting the urge to do so last night. i didn't do it though- - because i knew if i did i would have not only broken 8 weeks of NC but i wouldn't have gotten the answer i wanted either.

 

It's this reason that I didn't contact him even though I've thought about it. I don't want to deal with the possibility that he hasn't changed or getting no reply from him or having to be in the know about his relationship.

 

NC is not about punishment or guilt it is about caring for yourself and putting your need to heal first. It is also not an action you do to get a reaction from the other person. First and formats it is about keeping focus on yourself and relearning how to enjoy life on your own.

 

I always put myself first and I'm good about loving myself. But in this case, I feel that by looking out for myself, I'm hurting someone else. It doesn't have to be a zero-sum game!

[Fufu]

Based on your replies, maybe you didn't realise it, you are putting focus on him.

 

If you treat yourself well, you wouldn't worry about hurting him. Besides, how do you know you are hurting him.

 

Women tend to over analyze. I did that before too. It's normal, though you have to come to realise that you are not hurting anyone.

[dressing up]

Based on your replies, maybe you didn't realise it, you are putting focus on him.

 

If you treat yourself well, you wouldn't worry about hurting him. Besides, how do you know you are hurting him.

 

Women tend to over analyze. I did that before too. It's normal, though you have to come to realise that you are not hurting anyone.

 

Really?!!!!!!!!!! I didn't realize that. But how do you balance "treating yourself well" and "being kind to others?" For the record, my guy friend wasn't mean to me. He just disappointed me because I wanted him to treat me the way I wanted.

[Fufu]

This is kind of hard to explain..

 

Personally, I feel that women at times tend to neglect themselves and ended up trying to be overly nice to their men. It's not a bad thing or a crime, but when it comes to neglecting our emotional and well-being, it's not healthy for us. After all, we are responsible and accountable for our own well-beings and lives.

 

Especially, when the women got dumped or neglected, they begin to focus too much energy on their exes and hope their men will suddenly wake up and come back to them again.

 

Even if your guy friend wasn't mean to you, it is the reality and fact that both of you are not together now. My ex wasn't mean to me during my years with me, but it is fact that he dumped me and didn't value his words to me that he will marry me. However, I won't hate him for life, it is damaging to me. But right at this moment, I will only focus on myself.

 

And, in relationships, you can't really expect anyone to treat you the way you wanted.

 

I've come to feel that after 6 months, there are many factors that can make a relationship work and many factors that can break a relationship.

 

And I've come to value good relationship habits are important for a relationship to sustain, as well as, empathy and give and take when you are in a relationship.

Edited May 4, 2011 by Fufu

[DontWorryBHappy]

My ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. The hardest thing for me is remembering and missing the connection we had. In the end he told me his heart wasnt in it, and he felt he isn't capable of loving another person long term... either because he is too young, or not emotionally mature. We never went more than a day without talking for the whole relationship, so being on day 5 without talking is causing a lot of difficult feelings. I do understand the fear reaction that comes with not wanting the person to become a stranger, and just not being ready to let go. And I understand wanting so badly to know what the other person is thinking. I guess in a weird way I do sometimes feel a sense of safety from the period of NC, because I guess while I'm NC I can't mess anything up and I know the last memory he'll have of me was not one of me acting pathetic, needy, or anything close to that. This is definitely a hard process, let me tell you.

[dressing up]

This is kind of hard to explain..

 

Personally, I feel that women at times tend to neglect themselves and ended up trying to be overly nice to their men. It's not a bad thing or a crime, but when it comes to neglecting our emotional and well-being, it's not healthy for us. After all, we are responsible and accountable for our own well-beings and lives.

 

Especially, when the women got dumped or neglected, they begin to focus too much energy on their exes and hope their men will suddenly wake up and come back to them again.

 

Even if your guy friend wasn't mean to you, it is the reality and fact that both of you are not together now. My ex wasn't mean to me during my years with me, but it is fact that he dumped me and didn't value his words to me that he will marry me. However, I won't hate him for life, it is damaging to me. But right at this moment, I will only focus on myself.

 

And, in relationships, you can't really expect anyone to treat you the way you wanted.

 

I've come to feel that after 6 months, there are many factors that can make a relationship work and many factors that can break a relationship.

 

And I've come to value good relationship habits are important for a relationship to sustain, as well as, empathy and give and take when you are in a relationship.

 

Funny you said that. I'm a tough bitch but when it comes to some guys, I can be nice.

 

I guess I can feel lonely sometimes and I miss the guy friend.

 

My ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. The hardest thing for me is remembering and missing the connection we had. In the end he told me his heart wasnt in it, and he felt he isn't capable of loving another person long term... either because he is too young, or not emotionally mature. We never went more than a day without talking for the whole relationship, so being on day 5 without talking is causing a lot of difficult feelings. I do understand the fear reaction that comes with not wanting the person to become a stranger, and just not being ready to let go. And I understand wanting so badly to know what the other person is thinking. I guess in a weird way I do sometimes feel a sense of safety from the period of NC, because I guess while I'm NC I can't mess anything up and I know the last memory he'll have of me was not one of me acting pathetic, needy, or anything close to that. This is definitely a hard process, let me tell you.

 

I'm sorry your hurting.

 

It's the fear reaction of having the other person becoming a stranger that I feel.

[Fufu]

dressing up: Relationships are really complex.... sigh~