Becoming a Control Freak?

[TragicAlliance]

I fear I'm becoming a control freak.

 

My ex and I are still in the "negotiation" process of reconciliation. But whenever I make a suggestion to him and he doesn't immediately jump on what I've said... I get SO MAD! It's like he's just pulling my chain and leading me on. One minute he'll tell me "That's a good idea, I should do that" then the next he's sending me jokes and quotes he's reading online. When he does this, I just want to explode! It's just like it was when we were dating - I tell him something serious; he takes it lightly, like it's a joke.

 

I don't want to be a control freak... but it feels like if I don't push him to do things regarding our relationship, then he wouldn't do anything on his own. I'm getting so aggravated that I feel like I want to pull my hair out!

 

How do I make this stop?

[stopthemadness]

I fear I'm becoming a control freak.

 

My ex and I are still in the "negotiation" process of reconciliation. But whenever I make a suggestion to him and he doesn't immediately jump on what I've said... I get SO MAD! It's like he's just pulling my chain and leading me on. One minute he'll tell me "That's a good idea, I should do that" then the next he's sending me jokes and quotes he's reading online. When he does this, I just want to explode! It's just like it was when we were dating - I tell him something serious; he takes it lightly, like it's a joke.

 

I don't want to be a control freak... but it feels like if I don't push him to do things regarding our relationship, then he wouldn't do anything on his own. I'm getting so aggravated that I feel like I want to pull my hair out!

 

How do I make this stop?

 

Your lucky, you get another chance..Most of us dont.

[Scorpio6913]

I fear I'm becoming a control freak.

 

My ex and I are still in the "negotiation" process of reconciliation. But whenever I make a suggestion to him and he doesn't immediately jump on what I've said... I get SO MAD! It's like he's just pulling my chain and leading me on. One minute he'll tell me "That's a good idea, I should do that" then the next he's sending me jokes and quotes he's reading online. When he does this, I just want to explode! It's just like it was when we were dating - I tell him something serious; he takes it lightly, like it's a joke.

 

I don't want to be a control freak... but it feels like if I don't push him to do things regarding our relationship, then he wouldn't do anything on his own. I'm getting so aggravated that I feel like I want to pull my hair out!

 

How do I make this stop?

 

Sounds like game playing. Simple answer is go NC period. See if he gets more serious then..

[TragicAlliance]

stopthemadness - I, too, thought I was lucky that I was getting another chance. This is not our second chance. Nor our third chance. This is the FOURTH try. You would've thought that we'd both get the message by now... It's. Not. Working. In the end, I think I'd rather have let it go the first time and never had multiple chances - each chance that passes multiplies the pain.

 

Scorpio6913 - Yes, it seriously does feel like he's taking me for a ride. And I'm not appreciating it, especially given how many times I've given him another chance. You're right. NC is better for me... anytime I go without talking to him, I feel better. Yet he always worms his way into another conversation, and I wind up angry. Ugh. I'm seriously contemplating handing someone my accounts and passwords and telling them to purge him from everything for me, since I seem to be too weak to do it myself.

[Scorpio6913]

stopthemadness - I, too, thought I was lucky that I was getting another chance. This is not our second chance. Nor our third chance. This is the FOURTH try. You would've thought that we'd both get the message by now... It's. Not. Working. In the end, I think I'd rather have let it go the first time and never had multiple chances - each chance that passes multiplies the pain.

 

Scorpio6913 - Yes, it seriously does feel like he's taking me for a ride. And I'm not appreciating it, especially given how many times I've given him another chance. You're right. NC is better for me... anytime I go without talking to him, I feel better. Yet he always worms his way into another conversation, and I wind up angry. Ugh. I'm seriously contemplating handing someone my accounts and passwords and telling them to purge him from everything for me, since I seem to be too weak to do it myself.

 

Actually, you are not too weak, you are way stronger than you think! You're just telling yourself you're not strong because you keep rationalizing when he "Worms up" to you.

Think about that before you give your accounts and passwords away..

[TragicAlliance]

I wouldn't give up my passwords and all that, despite how tempting it sounds to be rid of these stresses once and for all. Giving up my passwords would more than likely just hand me another set of stresses, and I've got too much to deal with without digging myself into a deeper hole.

 

I really feel like kicking myself repeatedly when the messages pop up and instead of closing the window, I reply. As long as he doesn't talk to me, I don't feel encouraged to initiate anything with him... but the second he moves in? I'm sucked in.

 

I know I probably sound selfish with the whole "if he wants to talk to me he should approach me" thing... but there have been so many times he's done the same. He was once mad at me because he "sensed" I hated him, and he ignored me for two straight days. During those two days, I repeatedly sent him messages, asking what was wrong and pleading that he'd talk to me. When he finally did decide I was worth his valuable time again, he informed me he was, in fact, receiving my messages... he was just closing my window without replying because he was mad.

 

Then there was another instance in which he blatantly cold-shouldered me for 3 days because of an argument we had when I was drunk. He was angered by something I had said in my stupor - something I could NOT remember - and told me that it outraged him that I could not recall what it was I had said to upset him, and that he couldn't forgive me for it. I begged that he told me so that I could make it right... he would not. And he continued to remain silent about it until I told him that if what I had said had hurt him that badly, then I didn't need to be with him. Then, all the sudden, he wanted to talk about it and forgive me!

 

I must not be one for revenge or something... you'd think that, all points considered, I'd be able to easily pull his own tricks against him... But I always am reminded of how badly they hurt ME, and how I wouldn't want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone else.

 

I hate being a pushover.

[Scorpio6913]

I wouldn't give up my passwords and all that, despite how tempting it sounds to be rid of these stresses once and for all. Giving up my passwords would more than likely just hand me another set of stresses, and I've got too much to deal with without digging myself into a deeper hole.

 

I really feel like kicking myself repeatedly when the messages pop up and instead of closing the window, I reply. As long as he doesn't talk to me, I don't feel encouraged to initiate anything with him... but the second he moves in? I'm sucked in.

 

I know I probably sound selfish with the whole "if he wants to talk to me he should approach me" thing... but there have been so many times he's done the same. He was once mad at me because he "sensed" I hated him, and he ignored me for two straight days. During those two days, I repeatedly sent him messages, asking what was wrong and pleading that he'd talk to me. When he finally did decide I was worth his valuable time again, he informed me he was, in fact, receiving my messages... he was just closing my window without replying because he was mad.

 

Then there was another instance in which he blatantly cold-shouldered me for 3 days because of an argument we had when I was drunk. He was angered by something I had said in my stupor - something I could NOT remember - and told me that it outraged him that I could not recall what it was I had said to upset him, and that he couldn't forgive me for it. I begged that he told me so that I could make it right... he would not. And he continued to remain silent about it until I told him that if what I had said had hurt him that badly, then I didn't need to be with him. Then, all the sudden, he wanted to talk about it and forgive me!

 

I must not be one for revenge or something... you'd think that, all points considered, I'd be able to easily pull his own tricks against him... But I always am reminded of how badly they hurt ME, and how I wouldn't want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone else.

 

I hate being a pushover.

 

Remember what I told you, YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON!

[Duckduckgoose]

It's just like it was when we were dating - I tell him something serious; he takes it lightly, like it's a joke.

 

THIS ^^^

 

Is a red flag. He doesn't respect you.

 

he ignored me for two straight days. During those two days, I repeatedly sent him messages, asking what was wrong and pleading that he'd talk to me. When he finally did decide I was worth his valuable time again, he informed me he was, in fact, receiving my messages... he was just closing my window without replying because he was mad.

 

Then there was another instance in which he blatantly cold-shouldered me for 3 days because of an argument we had when I was drunk. He was angered by something I had said in my stupor - something I could NOT remember - and told me that it outraged him that I could not recall what it was I had said to upset him, and that he couldn't forgive me for it. I begged that he told me so that I could make it right... he would not. And he continued to remain silent about it until I told him that if what I had said had hurt him that badly, then I didn't need to be with him. Then, all the sudden, he wanted to talk about it and forgive me!

 

Cold shoulder treatment is another red flag. Look it up, it really eats a person from the inside out. Its a form of manipulation.

 

Don't get back with this guy.

[Fufu]

I somehow have a feel he's not serious.

 

For reconciliation to work, both partners must be willing and enthusiastic to work things out together.

 

I have 2 suggestions for you.

 

1. Ask him the ultimatum question, "Are you serious in reconciliation?"

 

2. Seek NC

 

You are a strong person, no matter what decision you choose, I know you will be fine.

[TragicAlliance]

Scorpio6913 - Thank you for your encouragement! It feels good to know that someone believes in me, and definitely helps me feel better about myself! =)

 

Duckduckgoose - Sadly, those red flags are just the tip of the iceberg. The more I think about it, the worse I feel. What's worse is that, after three failed attempts, I apparently still am willing to give him ANOTHER shot.

 

Fufu - I've asked him that question multiple times, and he immediately snaps back, "I DO want to reconcile!" He gets very defensive and bristles up when I ask this. In regards to NC, I guess you could say my efforts are slacking. I mean, he has to initiate conversation with me or else we don't talk... but I haven't removed/deleted/blocked him. I know that I should... But yet I can't bring myself to do it because I'm afraid he'll get hurt.

 

Trapped between a rock and a hard place, it feels...

[Fufu]

If he truly wants to reconcile, his actions must be consistent to what he said. How you feel about his actions is more important than his words.

 

Are you hurting, if you are hurting, care for yourself first.

 

If you are hurting and you worry about hurting him, you are ultimately hurting yourself.

 

3 failed attempts in this relationship, perhaps you want to ask yourself this question, do you still have confident in this relationship? Do you still have confident in him? Do you still see yourself able to be happy being with him?

[TragicAlliance]

And now he's on Facebook, posting pictures that are making me rage with jealousy and misery... and chatting up that damn girl who has a crush on him. He's planning on taking time off to see her this summer!

 

I. Hate. This. So. Hard.

 

Why does he have to treat me like such crap? Can't he find something else to kick around instead of me?

[TaraMaiden]

These are not the questions you should be asking.

 

The questions you should be asking:

 

"Why am I putting up with this?"

 

"Why do I think so little of myself, that I leave myself open to such abuse?"

 

What is so special about him that I think it's ok for him to treat me this way?"

 

Why do I think dumping him would hurt him, if staying is hurting me so much more?"

 

Why would I care about what it does to him, when his actions blatantly show he doesn't give a fiddler's @ss what his actions do to me?"

 

"Why am I even on LS asking questions that I know are dumb, when if I saw someone else posting them, I'd tell them to get real...?"

 

Hmmm?

[Fufu]

These are not the questions you should be asking.

 

The questions you should be asking:

 

"Why am I putting up with this?"

 

"Why do I think so little of myself, that I leave myself open to such abuse?"

 

What is so special about him that I think it's ok for him to treat me this way?"

 

Why do I think dumping him would hurt him, if staying is hurting me so much more?"

 

Why would I care about what it does to him, when his actions blatantly show he doesn't give a fiddler's @ss what his actions do to me?"

 

"Why am I even on LS asking questions that I know are dumb, when if I saw someone else posting them, I'd tell them to get real...?"

 

Hmmm?

 

TragicAlliance: TaraMaiden says it all, do take some time to ask yourself these questions

[TragicAlliance]

Yes, these words are very true. I guess it took someone kind of slapping me in the face to make me realize that. But I'm glad someone did... I needed it.

 

I guess I've been all bark and no bite for so long that he brushes off my "threats" and stuff as a joke. Basically, I need to grow a spine... a nice, big, strong spine. I then need to put on my big girl boots and get walking.

 

I wonder what I'm so afraid of. Am I afraid that I might find someone who would treat me right, maybe? I've always been abused and/or neglected in my relationships. I definitely need a professional opinion on my issues.

[Fufu]

I'm not a professional.

 

However, my honest view is that in relationships, you really won't know how it will turn out. Nothing gives you guarantee in relationships even a marriage cert doesn't give you guarantee in marriage. And I always believe it takes 2 always to make a relationship/marriage work.

 

I always believe in working myself first. As in, build up own self-confidence and self-esteem. Be happy for myself, treat myself good, be independent. Be strong no matter what kind of obstacles I encountered.Therefore, even if in future any relationships doesn't work out for me, I will still be able to move on and forward with my life with pride and dignity.