flyboy52 Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 My wife and I will be married 3 years at the end of the month. We have never had sex. It is getting to the point where I'm considering divorce. When I try to talk to her about it she gets defensive. She sometimes accusing me of just getting married for the sex. When she does actually listen, she always says that we need to "do what we usually do" a little bit longer, then she'll be ready. If I say that I want to actually have sex, she'll give me some excuse. On our wedding night she was too tired, she wasn't comfortable on our honeymoon, she's said several times that our house isn't special enough, hotels are strange and uncomfortable. I try to be romantic and show her that I'm not just interested in sex. I love her but, think I've been patient long enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 (edited) You know what you need to do. (get the marriage annulled or just divorce her) I personally would not marry some one I hadn’t already had sex with. I believe in sex before marriage as adamantly as some people believe in waiting until after marriage. I get pretty upset when I don’t get sex at least once a week, so I can’t relate to some one like you that let it go for 3 years. (of MARRIAGE!!) Hey maybe she'll let you dump and pump. (thats where you ask for one last screw, or in your case one first screw before calling it quits) Edited May 4, 2011 by Dust Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 This sounds extremely odd. or oddly extreme.... Is this a cultural thing? I can't think of any factor in the West where people would voluntarily stay in a marriage for 3 years with absolutely no sex at all throughout the entire marriage? Loads of threads about spouses going off sex, or losing their libido, or experiencing ED.... but no sex at all? Had you had sex before the marriage? Was/is she a virgin? Are you? Was this an arranged marriage? I'm just trying to get a bigger picture here.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author flyboy52 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Share Posted May 4, 2011 There is no unusual cultural idea, it is not an arranged marriage. We are both still virgins. I love her and don't want to get a divorce/annulment, but I'm not sure how much longer I can stay frustrated like this. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 For as long as it takes for one of you to break this thing. You keep tolerating, she'll keep passing up the offered opportunity. What is she scared of? I think she may need professional counselling, because this just isn't right, by anybody's book.... Link to post Share on other sites
celebration Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 3 years of Marriage no sex? Both virgins? Hell No! Lets say somewhere along the line she lost her virginity to someone else, she's probably scared/ashamed you'll find out whenever the sex happens between you two. So she may just be delaying or frustrating you to the point where you'll cheat on her and it'll be your fault afterall. Don't sound right, i smell a big rat! Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 How old are you two? How long did you date before you married? There really is no rational excuse for the two of you to not have sex. Is birth control an issue? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 That seems really strange indeed! I have a friend who's in her 30s and has never had sex because she was sexually abused - but my friend just doesn't let people get too close to her to begin with. Do you think that your wife may have had some kind of abuse or trauma in her past that could be causing this? Otherwise, I can't really think of why she's so against sex. but WOW 3 years of marriage and no sex - wow, that's not just not right or fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 This is crazy. Maybe its crazy for a good reason, like your wife was abused, and you and a therapist can help her with it OR its just crazy period. You do not have a partnership or a marriage. Although a marriage is not defined by sex...the intimacy is a big part of it expecially in the beginning. You have a roommate you love. Tell her that, under NO uncertain terms this problem needs to be corrected. Tell her you are willing to help her but that it is now up to her to pursue the course of action and that she has 3 months to come up with a plan. Link to post Share on other sites
CandyHeart Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 It sounds like everyone has given some good advice here so you just need to figure out the truth as to why she is pulling back from having sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 I don't think it's that crazy... don't be quick to judge other people's morality or way of life. Having said that, the OP needs to push his needs, but in a considerate way. Obviously now it's a big bone of contention (no pun intended... ), so more pressure will definitely drive her away. Can you suggest a bit of counselling? She is not comfortable with the idea of sex, so maybe she needs to sort her issues out first. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 . When she does actually listen, she always says that we need to "do what we usually do" a little bit longer, then she'll be ready. What do you "usually do"? Do you mean sexual things, or other things? Is it just intercourse she is delaying, and you are sexual in other ways? My gut feeling is--since sex (intercourse) is a normally expected part of marriage, if she isn't ready for sex, then maybe she wasn't ready for marriage. Does she feel like she married too soon? It just seems really odd to marry when you don't feel ready to have sex. I'd probably tell her that If I say that I want to actually have sex, she'll give me some excuse. On our wedding night she was too tired, she wasn't comfortable on our honeymoon, she's said several times that our house isn't special enough, hotels are strange and uncomfortable. The human race would have died out long ago if people needed a "special" place to have sex! I'd explore that some more. Maybe tell her that it is the people that are special--and the act is special--but a tent would be sufficiently special with her in it Link to post Share on other sites
TattooMommy Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 sorry to break the news to you sport, but your wife isnt having sex with you because she doesnt want to. The reason only matters if she is willing to get help that will lead to sex. If she isnt then you need to bounce. Any other action will continue to engulf you in your self made hell. You are an active participant in the madness by putting up with this and allowing her to abuse you with denial. Sex is a big part of marriage and anyone who makes you feel bad by berating you for your natural and normal desire for sex is ****ing nutts and should seek help. When someone is required to abstain from having an emotional and/or physical connection with someone other than their spouse, there is also an understood recipricol promise. Your spouse has to be your only option. How cruel and unloving of her not to keep her promise Link to post Share on other sites
Author flyboy52 Posted May 5, 2011 Author Share Posted May 5, 2011 We are both 25. We have known each other for 7 years had started dating 6 years ago. There is no abuse in her past. I believe her when she says that she is a virgin. She tells me that she wants kids, but we both agree that we are not ready yet. Our "usual" is wet humping. A while ago when I let her know that that wasn't doing it for me, she was surprised because she was/is perfectly happy. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 This is just not healthy. I know every couple is different but you guys really need to see a therapist. Sex is important. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 As everone has said, this is unusual... When she does actually listen, she always says that we need to "do what we usually do" a little bit longer, then she'll be ready. This line is rubbish. Hell, if you stay with her for 60 years, she may very well still be making excuses. I think you need to talk to her and firmly tell her what the potential consequences of not having sex with you are. You have already tried being nice to her about this right? You do not threaten or pressure her into sex. You do support her into finding out why she is unwilling to have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 yes I know I am too:D;)..... These two a damaged and have serious issues.... 25 years old, together 6 years and married 3....... They are completely nuts..... Stoopid to even say any more in this thread...... Unless..... You are completely wrong. It makes perfect sense to have been married 3 years and not have sex. What is the rush anyways? 25 years old, you are too young to even think carnal thoughts. What is the pressure for you and your wife to "consummate" your marriage? You are a monster to pressure her at all. Sex is only for procreation. Really Flyboy52, you are an unfeeling, nasty borderline abusive spouse to pressure and berate your spouse like that..... Grow up!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Our "usual" is wet humping. A while ago when I let her know that that wasn't doing it for me, she was surprised because she was/is perfectly happy. I'm not completely sure what that is....but at least you are sexual together. Is that something she does enthusiastically? Frequently? Or is it once in a while, and she "allows" it but doesn't crave it? If you guys "make out" heavily, but she stops you from penetrating her, it sounds like a specific fear (maybe pain, maybe pregnancy, maybe something else). You should INSIST she visits her gynecologist and discusses the issue. Go together. You schedule the appt, don't wait for her. If she barely shows interest in what you already do, she's just stalling and isn't into you that way. Divorce, the sooner the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Irishlove Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 She is missing out. Have you tried porn? Something to get her excited? Oral sex? She is scared of something. Is she afraid it's going to hurt? Maybe suggest she goes to her gynocologist to talk with him. My mother went a year without having sex with her husband because she was scared it was going to hurt. (first time having sex she got pg with twins) Explain her hymen is a thin piece of tissue or skin that tears and it doesn't really hurt, go slow. Ask her to try and if she says stop then stop. But I wouldn't wait to long. Making love is wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
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