admits affair but leaves out a big detail

[CashP]

My wife admitted to having an emotional affair with a local guy. She gave me "all" the details and insists there is nothing else to hide. I made only one request. I asked for the guy's name. She didn't give it. She would rather divorce than to give me the guys name. I feel she is still hiding something. Does anyone agree. This happened several yrs ago but I have never gotten any closure. She claims that she has forgotten the guys name at this point. But, she also said that in the beginning when she first confessed. Her company turned off texting on her company phone because of the number of messages they were sending back and forth.( but she doesn't remember his name) Around this same time, she bought new bottoms and lingerie making claims it was for me but she knows I ain't into that sort of thing. She went to the gym for a while as well. She made a couple of weekly trips to a club which is where she met the guy. I asked her every time not to go but she didn't care if she hurt me or not. She went anyhow and was coming home in the wee hours of the morning. After confessing to that and promising to be faithful and open with me, I found out from a friend that my wife was having lunch with a co-worker. She refused to admit to being in this particular restaraunt eating with another man till I told her there was a witness. She admitted and said there was nothing to it. If there was nothing to it this time, why didn't she feel like I needed to know?

[Audacia]

Sounds like you're being gaslighted.

 

Tell her she has one opportunity to confess all or it's over. Get angry. But be prepared to possibly be really hurt. Either by her not confessing why you already assume or by what she does confess. And if you give her an ultimatum be prepared to stick with it.

[2sure]

Let me be the first to say that your feelings are natural and valid.

Further, even though the infidelity itself has long since passed the betrayal continues until you are a knowledgeable participant in what happened to you and your marriage. Without the information that you want, the name of the other participant, you cannot move on because you are still being betrayed. Your wife still has secrets from you.

 

She may think, feel, or say that it is SHE who betrayed you , not him and she is right.

She may think, feel, or say that she fears you will become violent with him.

Maybe she thinks she is protecting you.

 

F all of that.

 

The time for her to think or feel on YOUR behalf is over. She didnt think about you or the results to you when she had the affair. She doesnt get to decide what is best for you regarding it.

 

Period.

[allie_lgh]

Sounds like you're being gaslighted.

 

Tell her she has one opportunity to confess all or it's over. Get angry. But be prepared to possibly be really hurt. Either by her not confessing why you already assume or by what she does confess. And if you give her an ultimatum be prepared to stick with it.

 

 

COULDN'T SAY IT BETTER MYSELF!!!

 

write out your guidlines. Write it as if you were telling advice to your dearest friend of family member if that helps you be impartial. then STICK TO IT. It may be painful, but the outcome may save you from the pain you've been carrying all this time

[CashP]

Let me be the first to say that your feelings are natural and valid.

Further, even though the infidelity itself has long since passed the betrayal continues until you are a knowledgeable participant in what happened to you and your marriage. Without the information that you want, the name of the other participant, you cannot move on because you are still being betrayed. Your wife still has secrets from you.

 

She may think, feel, or say that it is SHE who betrayed you , not him and she is right.

She may think, feel, or say that she fears you will become violent with him.

Maybe she thinks she is protecting you.

 

F all of that.

 

The time for her to think or feel on YOUR behalf is over. She didnt think about you or the results to you when she had the affair. She doesnt get to decide what is best for you regarding it.

 

Period.

 

She mentioned that. She asked why I wanted his name. She said, "Do you want to beat his a** or something?" She knows that I have never harmed another person as badly as I might have wanted. I was raised to walk away from a fight, just as I was raised to tell the truth no matter the consequences. Why, after so long, does she still refuse to give me the guys name? I have forgiven her as best I can and have no intentions on leaving as long as she is honest. If she can't be honest at this point, I don't know what else to do. Move on I suppose.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Pretty odd. The fact that she won't fully disclose sure makes it seem like there's something else to hide.

[2sure]

If you have no history of nutjob behavior she is withholding his name because you KNOW him.

 

Move on? You havent. You cannot. Thats what you came here for.

You can decide to accept that you will never move on and thats about it.

[Bryanp]

From what you have written my guess is that she slept with him a few times and does not wish to be caught. All cheaters lie. The fact that she refused to tell you his name shows she cares more about protecting him and herself than you. If you knew his name you probably would have contacting him and gotten more of the truth. Why did you forgive her if she refused to at the very least give you his name? If the roles were reversed do you honestly would have accepted what you have accepted?

Her attitude shows that she has little respect for you and that you would suck it up. If you do not respect yourself then who will? In addition, she still has no problem lying to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. She now tells you she forgot his name?......Oh please she is now insulting your intelligence. The fact that she would actually say this to you indicates that she thinks you are a fool and a doormat. I feel sorry for you.

[CashP]

COULDN'T SAY IT BETTER MYSELF!!!

 

write out your guidlines. Write it as if you were telling advice to your dearest friend of family member if that helps you be impartial. then STICK TO IT. It may be painful, but the outcome may save you from the pain you've been carrying all this time

 

After 11 yrs, you would think that it was time to be honest. We have a son together and I really don't want him in a broken home. She and I don't argue or carry on in front of our kids. They have no idea about any of this or that there is even a problem. Why is she so willing to let it all go to conceal a person's identity?? I wonder sometimes if she is even happy at all here. She had a week long business trip to vegas last year in which prior to the trip I found a text to one of her store managers the she "couldn't wait to go". Is it that bad having a family and a daily routine? I could go on and on. She is an area supervisor over five stores so she goes and comes as she pleases. She has plenty of time to mess up. She had one store manager that she absolutely hated, but begged me to let her go on a company cruise with her. My wife claimed she was trying to be nice cause the "hated" store manager had no one else to go with. I agreed. Noticed pictures while she was on the cruise in which the wedding rings came off on day 2 and don't recall seeing where she had put them back on for the remainder of the trip. Her "hated" store manager wasn't in many pictures either. She says she took them off for the beach shore excursion in Mexico and forgot to put em back on. LOL. BS....You all get the idea. Is she constantly looking for attention?? Sex here at home when we actually have it is guaranteed orgasm for us both. It is great. But she never seems emotionally connected to me. I don't think she needs to look elsewhere for the physical part, but then again maybe great sex could get old to her.

[CashP]

COULDN'T SAY IT BETTER MYSELF!!!

 

write out your guidlines. Write it as if you were telling advice to your dearest friend of family member if that helps you be impartial. then STICK TO IT. It may be painful, but the outcome may save you from the pain you've been carrying all this time

 

After 11 yrs, you would think that it was time to be honest. We have a son together and I really don't want him in a broken home. She and I don't argue or carry on in front of our kids. They have no idea about any of this or that there is even a problem. Why is she so willing to let it all go to conceal a person's identity?? I wonder sometimes if she is even happy at all here. She had a week long business trip to vegas last year in which prior to the trip I found a text to one of her store managers the she "couldn't wait to go". Is it that bad having a family and a daily routine? I could go on and on. She is an area supervisor over five stores so she goes and comes as she pleases. She has plenty of time to mess up. She had one store manager that she absolutely hated, but begged me to let her go on a company cruise with her. My wife claimed she was trying to be nice cause the "hated" store manager had no one else to go with. I agreed. Noticed pictures while she was on the cruise in which the wedding rings came off on day 2 and don't recall seeing where she had put them back on for the remainder of the trip. Her "hated" store manager wasn't in many pictures either. She says she took them off for the beach shore excursion in Mexico and forgot to put em back on. LOL. BS....You all get the idea. Is she constantly looking for attention?? Sex here at home when we actually have it is guaranteed orgasm for us both. It is great. But she never seems emotionally connected to me. I don't think she needs to look elsewhere for the physical part, but then again maybe great sex could get old to her.

[CashP]

From what you have written my guess is that she slept with him a few times and does not wish to be caught. All cheaters lie. The fact that she refused to tell you his name shows she cares more about protecting him and herself than you. If you knew his name you probably would have contacting him and gotten more of the truth. Why did you forgive her if she refused to at the very least give you his name? If the roles were reversed do you honestly would have accepted what you have accepted?

Her attitude shows that she has little respect for you and that you would suck it up. If you do not respect yourself then who will? In addition, she still has no problem lying to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. She now tells you she forgot his name?......Oh please she is now insulting your intelligence. The fact that she would actually say this to you indicates that she thinks you are a fool and a doormat. I feel sorry for you.

 

I pretty much knew what you just wrote. I told her that she hadn't forgotten and that whoever it was, I would obviously find absolutely unacceptable. Told her not to beat around the bush but to just come out and call me stupid. (might have challenged her. Don't think that was right thing to do) I agree with sticking to the consequences. No need in threatening without backing them up. I might have done that too much as it is.

[CashP]

I pretty much knew what you just wrote. I told her that she hadn't forgotten and that whoever it was, I would obviously find absolutely unacceptable. Told her not to beat around the bush but to just come out and call me stupid. (might have challenged her. Don't think that was right thing to do) I agree with sticking to the consequences. No need in threatening without backing them up. I might have done that too much as it is.

 

 

DONT TAKE THAT AS BEING RUDE PLEASE. I meant I knew what you just wrote and thanks for confirming. Thanks to all for the unbiased opinions

[drifter777]

Why, after so long, does she still refuse to give me the guys name? I have forgiven her as best I can and have no intentions on leaving as long as she is honest. If she can't be honest at this point, I don't know what else to do. Move on I suppose.

 

A very likely reason she won't identify the guy is that she had sex with him and she's afraid he will tell you the truth and blow her story. I'm really not so sure you should continue pressing her for the truth if you can just "move on" like you say you can. I myself could not live without full disclosure, but if you can forgive her based on the what she has been willing to share then do it. You see, if they did have sex then you will have to try to live with the images of her & him and that can be very difficult. You might not want to know the real truth.

[Chi townD]

Next time you talk to her ask her who the OM is one last time. If she refuses again, then you have to come to a decision. Because right now, she values protecting the OM more than your marriage....tell her that.

[CashP]

A very likely reason she won't identify the guy is that she had sex with him and she's afraid he will tell you the truth and blow her story. I'm really not so sure you should continue pressing her for the truth if you can just "move on" like you say you can. I myself could not live without full disclosure, but if you can forgive her based on the what she has been willing to share then do it. You see, if they did have sex then you will have to try to live with the images of her & him and that can be very difficult. You might not want to know the real truth.

 

 

One last thing. When I approach her about all this it never fails that she gets angry and everytime she insists that we "leave the past in the past". I don't consider it in the past if it was during our marriage. That is of course, she considers our marriage as a thing of the past. That is also possible I suppose. She will do anything to get off the subject.

[CashP]

Next time you talk to her ask her who the OM is one last time. If she refuses again, then you have to come to a decision. Because right now, she values protecting the OM more than your marriage....tell her that.

 

I made her well aware of that. She tries to twist it around and say it is just a name. I told her she obviously loved the other guy more than me and it was obvious through her actions. She says that isn't the case. I don't believe her.

[ver13]

If she is still hiding the name from you it's because she knows that there is more to tell then she has let on too. All you can do at this point if it truly is bothering you and from what I see here it is, is go to a MC with her. Tell her that you are feeling a little lost right now in your M and you just want to have a safe place to dicuss your issues. Then when you get in there spring it on her and the MC what your real concerns are. This will put her in between a rock and a hard place because she has been lying to you for so long and you can only push so hard. The MC is a neutral party and they can go into places that you can't without her shuting you down. Now if she doesn't want to go thats a whole different story and you might have to look at if you can stay in the M under these conditions.

[confusedinkansas]

This is similar to another thread where the husband after 20 years still hadn't "gotten over" his wife's affair.

 

I just think that if you decided to stay with your wife - To bring this up to her constantly - well you're very much keeping this other man in the foreground of your marriage.

 

If you specifically made a decision to stay, then along with that decision comes your responsibility to the situation & to let it be in the past. (her responsibility was to answer your questions) I'm not saying sweep it under the rug but you yourself said it happened several years ago.

 

Perhaps you'd have been better off just leaving in the first place. Right now you're doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results. She hasn't told up until now, what makes you think that she'll miraculiously change her mind - After "All These Years"

 

Now - on another note - Your wife is wrong to keep this information from you. When you initially asked she should have told you. Shame on you for sticking with a marriage that you're not happy with. All This Time. When she didn't answer 'back then' you should have left at that point.

[drifter777]

One last thing. When I approach her about all this it never fails that she gets angry and everytime she insists that we "leave the past in the past". I don't consider it in the past if it was during our marriage. That is of course, she considers our marriage as a thing of the past. That is also possible I suppose. She will do anything to get off the subject.

 

The behavior you describe is similar to how my wife reacted to my questions about her cheating. She initially told me everything but I was in shock and failed to comprehend many of the details. When I would ask her about it later she would get angry and say things like "don't live in the past". Things changed when the images of her and OM got worse and I decided to leave. I spent 5 days at a buddy's place and refused to speak with her. When I finally did she said "just tell me what I have to do to get you to come home". She began to answer my questions after that and finally began to demonstrate remorse for what she had done. It's been years and I'm still trying to forgive - for my own sake - but I know I will never forget. I feel very sorry for the position you are in because not knowing is torture but knowing is hell so what can you do? Hindsight being what it is, we should have not reconciled until I was better prepared to forgive my wife. I think that would have meant that we never would have got back together, but it's also possible that time alone would have helped me heal faster. I don't know. I tell you what my friend, you deserve the efing truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so you can decide how you want to proceed from there. How can you possibly forgive her when she refuses to participate in the healing process? You will just go on lying to yourself and harboring resentment toward her until it all boils over. You are not sparing your children by avoiding the truth so don't even think about using that as an excuse.

 

Think of it this way; for whatever reason you were not ready to face this thing when it occurred but now you are. It really is that simple.

[Chi townD]

If I'm understanding this correctly, this affair happened a few years ago? When did you find out about it?

 

Drifter has a point, I would suggest packing a bag and having it on stand-by, if she doesn't tell you what you need to know, then leave. Make arrangements to go to a hotel for a few days, she needs to know that there ARE consequences to her actions. That she DOES stand a chance of loosing you. If she knows you're not going anywhere, why does she have to tell you?

[CashP]

If I'm understanding this correctly, this affair happened a few years ago? When did you find out about it?

 

Drifter has a point, I would suggest packing a bag and having it on stand-by, if she doesn't tell you what you need to know, then leave. Make arrangements to go to a hotel for a few days, she needs to know that there ARE consequences to her actions. That she DOES stand a chance of loosing you. If she knows you're not going anywhere, why does she have to tell you?

 

I was the same as Drifter on this. I found out a few years back and just took what she told me. I normally have to pry the truth out of her but she wasn't hesitant on this one. She told me she didn't remember the guy's name when she first admitted it. Like I said, her company had text messaging disabled on her company cell phone because of their communicating. (but she doesn't remember his name, LOL. OK.) After thinking about the situation I done a little research and realized that what she was doing was pretty serious. She still doesn't talk to me much so I am sure she is filling her emotional appetite somewhere.

[Bryanp]

I am confused about your last post. You said that your wife does not talk to you much and that is getting her emotional appetite filled somewhere else. Please explain to me what is the point of being married to someone who has such little regards for your feelings and has such little respect for you? What is the point?

[CashP]

I am confused about your last post. You said that your wife does not talk to you much and that is getting her emotional appetite filled somewhere else. Please explain to me what is the point of being married to someone who has such little regards for your feelings and has such little respect for you? What is the point?

 

 

I love her. Just don't want to face the facts I suppose. We get along as long as I don't pry for answers.

[drifter777]

I love her. Just don't want to face the facts I suppose. We get along as long as I don't pry for answers.

 

So are you ready to face this now or are you content to just keep coasting?

[fascinated]

If you have no history of nutjob behavior she is withholding his name because you KNOW him.

 

Move on? You havent. You cannot. Thats what you came here for.

You can decide to accept that you will never move on and thats about it.

 

Agreed. Decades ago I cheated on my bf with someone he knew. I wouldn't tell him who because it was someone he liked and respected. It was easier for him to believe it was someone less of a person, almost like doing him a favor because the truth of who it was would have been a rub.