Anxiety dealing with abusive ex

[Mauschen]

Hi all,

 

I am having a lot of anxiety moving forward with child custody modification motion and child support request.

 

During our divorce, my ex threatened me a lot - so much that I stupidly agreed to move forward without a lawyer. I realized then that it was a bad idea, but after several years of emotional and physical abuse, I was scared of my ex and worried that the outcome would not benefit me. I was smart enough to seek legal advice, but I did not use a lawyer to file the divorce.

 

In any case, my ex has a very warped view of reality. Sometimes it is so warped that I find myself adopting his view of reality. It is hard to explain, but just as an example, he told my children that I stole money from him (in his mind he believes that the money I was awarded during the divorce was stolen even though I work and make the same income as he does). He also told my children that he purchased my house for me (my house was purchased with my 401K money that I cashed out after our divorce). I think he really believes what he is saying.

 

So, most recently, he told me that he wanted to claim the kids on his 2010 taxes and when I said, "you can't because I have them more than 50% of the time," he told me that we have 50/50 custody and that he was going to claim the kids. I tried to explain to him that 4 days/week vs 3 days/week is not 50/50, but he always finds a way to justify his opinion.

 

In any case, I often find myself questioning whether or not I am the one who doesn't understand reality. Everyone around me tells me I am the sane one, but they are my friends and family (so why would they tell me otherwise).

 

Due to neglect and abuse of the children during his parenting time, I know that I need to move forward with asking for a parenting time modification and child support, but because of my ex's personality, my anxiety levels are through the roof. For some reason, I always think that the case will turn against me even though I know I am the better parent. My biggest fear is that he will end up with 50/50 custody and not paying support or worse yet, me having less than 50/50 custody.

 

I have reports from the kids' school, doctors, and therapist of the abuse (all "minor" in nature, but a big deal to me - he hits them (no marks), kicks them, hit my son with a car ice scraper in the head and calls them names like "stupid" "baby" "retard"; he also trashes me to them weekly. He doesn't change their clothing, bathe them or brush their teeth - my word against his in this case; my daughter is failing 2nd grade also). But I still fear all of this is not enough. And if it isn't enough to get a parenting time modification, then I will have just upset the ex for no reason at all and he will be even nastier than before.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did it work out for you?

[Downtown]

Mauschen, in your other threads, you've described your H as being "narcissistic." What you are describing here and in those other threads, however, goes far beyond narcissism. If that were his only problem, he would be a stable man because narcissists are emotionally stable. In contrast, you are describing a man who is so unstable that his outbursts (temper tantrums, actually) are very unpredictable. For that reason, you spent years walking on eggshells around him, not knowing for sure what would set him off next.

 

Significantly, the verbal and physical abuse and instability you describe are hallmarks of strong BPD traits (Borderline Personality Disorder traits), which my exW has. Because most BPDers direct their anger outward and do black-white thinking, another hallmark of BPDers is meanness and vindictiveness when they "split you black."

 

I therefore suggest that you read my description of what it is like to live with a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits) to see if it doesn't ring a bell. My 3 posts in Inigo's thread start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. If that sounds familiar, you may also want to read my several posts in Katt's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. In both of those threads, my posts contain links to good articles written by professionals. Because BPDers typically are very vindictive after the divorce -- especially if you have to share custody of the children -- I note that a group of folks in your situation will provide you with valuable tips and advice at BPDfamily.com, where there is a message board called "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD."

 

I note that it is important for you to know whether he has strong BPD traits because it is believed to be caused by genetics and/or being abused or abandoned by a parent. This means that, if he is a BPDer, this raises the risk factor to your children of developing the illness in two ways: the genetics and the abuse he is giving them. Note that most abused kids do NOT develop BPD. And most children of BPDers do not develop BPD. Abuse nonetheless greatly raises the risk of developing BPD -- which is why 70% of folks having BPD at the diagnostic level report having been abused or abandoned in childhood.

 

Finally, your attorney no doubt will tell you that it is extremely difficult to get a psychologist to testify that your H exhibits the disorder. It will be very helpful, however, for you to keep a record of abusive incidents (or recorded tantrums) for use in child custody disputes -- and for a restraining order if you ever need it. You do not need to prove he has the illness. It is sufficient to show that the children are not safe around him, if that indeed is the case.

Edited May 5, 2011 by Downtown

[Mauschen]

Downtown,

 

Thank you for the message and the information. I will read up on the BPD.

 

My ex experienced an unusual childhood. His father was very intelligent (nuclear scientist), but very physically and emotionally abusive. His father spent some time in prison (abandonment). His mother was obsessed with her son and did everything for him. She still cuts up his food and feeds it to him (no, I'm not kidding). When he does something she doesn't like, she will starve herself to get him to do what she wants. The whole family is a real piece of work.

 

The ex in-laws are not physically abusive toward my children, but they are definitely emotionally abusive. Their grandpa tells them things like, "I am the smartest person in the family; your mother is stupid and that's why you're not very smart either." And their grandma is very controlling. She bought my daughter a jacket that she didn't want to wear and her grandma made her wear it anyway. She told her, "the 2 jackets your mom bought you are not good ones. You have to wear this one or you'll get sick." If my daughter resisted wearing it, her grandma would say things like, "I can't believe you would do this to me, you're an ungrateful girl. Don't you love me?"

 

Fortunately, my daughter thinks they are all nuts. But unfortunately, she has to put up with them. I do worry that she will grow up to be just like them, and I don't think I can stomach that.

[betterdeal]

Keep records. As much as you can. Keep texts, emails, voice messages. Record your conversations with him and the children, if possible. Keep a journal.

 

See your doctor if you need something to help you with anxiety or sleeping. Get as many people involved as you can. Family, friends, charities, authorities, lawyers. Maybe get a child psychologist to assess your child independently. These are all powerful tools available to you, and they are all related to shedding light on the facts and creating safety and security for you and your child.

 

If you do not want you child to grow up as dysfunctional as her father, pull in as many resources as you can to help put her into a safe, reliable, loving and sensible environment. It will serve you well too.

 

This may be a good starting point for getting advice : http://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

Edited May 5, 2011 by betterdeal

[Mauschen]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Thanks Betterdeal,

 

I am documenting everything and my children are seeing a therapist. As for me, I would prefer not to take any medication for the anxiety, but perhaps I will change my mind in time about that. I sleep well since I have usually completely exhausted myself with worry by the time I get to bed.

 

Downtown,

 

I looked at the BPD diagnostic criteria. Here is my unprofessional (obviously) assessment of my ex:

 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment - He does not really exhibit this symptom in a frantic way. Generally, he does like people to think he is very special and talented, so perhaps those efforts are his way of hoping others won't abandon him - not sure. He used to tell me that he was a star soccer player (not true, but he believes it is true) and one of the most gifted musicians to have ever lived (he is gifted, but not so extremely). He even used to compare his compositions to those of Mozart and Beethoven, and would tell me that no one can really understand a genius like him. I used to believe all of what he said, and I am still somewhat imprisoned by his "specialness" because, really, no one else I've ever met is quite like him (whether or not he is really special or just made me believe he was).

 

2. Unstable and intense personal relationships - this is an understatement. None of his relationships are stable or shallow. He fights with everyone he knows, throws tantrums, cuts people off for months and/or years to "teach them a lesson," and uses people to get whatever he wants (20K from a friend, babysitting from his mother, etc).

 

3. Identity disturbance - He has never said that he doesn't know who he is. He often told me often that he knows me better than I know myself and that he is an expert at identifying people's motives. He would often tell me that I had not assessed my feelings or thoughts properly and would proceed to tell me how I really felt or what I really thought.

 

4. Dangerous impulsivity - he definite has this.

 

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilation - he does not display this kind of behavior. He is much more likely to threaten others of bodily harm than to harm himself.

 

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood - I am not certain what "affective instability" means, but his life is often unstable because of his reactions to things and inability to be criticized (massive tantrums and punishing other people when they criticize him).

 

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - I am not sure if he feels chronically empty (he has never mentioned this feeling), but he always needs to be around other people, have a wife (he married a few months after our divorce), and often has affairs. He loves for women to want him and brags about it when he thinks one does.

 

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger - this is true with people he knows. He is able to control himself around strangers - in court, for instance. So a lot people who only meet him briefly might believe that he is really quite stable.

 

9. Transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms - I don't think he is paranoid at all. As for the dissociative symptoms - he often recalls the past incorrectly to an extreme degree to benefit himself and he has the ability to distort facts to fit his perception of reality (leaving me to question my own sanity)

 

Other issues: nothing is ever his fault (total inability to take blame, say sorry, etc. He even blames my daughter for stupid things "You made me break this glass because you were talking to me."), alcohol and marijuana use (binge drinking and getting "toasted" on weekends; he does not use during work), loves risk-taking (almost getting caught smoking weed near a police station is great fun for him), little regard for how his actions affect other people, he seems to have a different reality than everyone else around

 

Yet, he is very convincing that he loves and cares for his friends and family, but his actions speak differently. He told me how he loved me more than anyone else ever could; no one else could ever love someone like me. He tells everyone what a wonderful father he is and how much he adores his children, but then he will go home to not feed them dinner, not bathe them, and not change their clothing. He seems to believe he is a wonderful father because he is willing to do what he wants to do with them: play soccer, go to parties, etc. But if something is not fun for him, it won't happen. So, the kids only get to have fun with him on his terms. He was exactly the same way with me and would tell me "why are you laughing, that wasn't funny" or "you're stupid for thinking that is fun." Of course, that would ruin my mood and then he couldn't understand why I wasn't having fun when we were doing what he thought was a blast.

 

I am not sure if I will ever understand him, but I feel that I need to be aware of what diagnosis he might have (of course he will never go to a therapist for a real diagnosis) in order to assist my children in dealing with him.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Downtown]

Mauchen, you are describing strong BPD traits combined with narcissistic traits. Such combinations are common because the current DSM has too many PD categories, with the result that a person having one PD usually has 2 or 3 other PDs also. This is why the new diagnostic manual (for 2013) will consolidate the 10 PDs into only 5 PDs, if approved in its current draft form.

I need to be aware of what diagnosis he might have (of course he will never go to a therapist for a real diagnosis) in order to assist my children in dealing with him.

In my experience, therapists are loath to tell a client is true diagnosis if he has high functioning BPD traits. The best chance of a candid professional opinion, then, is seeing a therapist by yourself and describing the behavior. Without your H there, you won't get an official diagnosis but the T is far more likely to say "It sounds to me like ...."

 

For your purposes, however, a diagnosis may not be very helpful anyway. The problem is that, until the diagnostic manual is revised in 2013, therapists are stuck with the outdated binary (i.e., 1,0) approach taken in the DSM-IV. That is, a client either "has BPD" or "doesn't have it." Hence, a man having 80% or 90% of the diagnostic criteria is declared not to have the disorder. This is a big problem because, even when folks fall well short of the diagnostic criteria, they can make your life miserable -- and their's as well -- by living with you. This is why I urge the Non partners to read about the traits and learn to spot the red flags. It is far easier to spot red flags than to perform a diagnosis.

Generally, he does like people to think he is very special and talented, so perhaps those efforts are his way of hoping others won't abandon him - not sure.

This is much more a narcissistic trait than a BPD trait. BPDers generally know that the false front they project to the world is false. Narcissists, however, are utterly convinced their false self is really their true self. They therefore are greatly irritated when others do not help support that view. That said, it is not too useful to make a big distinction between the two disorders. BPDers, like victims of many other PDs, usually have an underlying trait of narcissism. Because narcissism overlaps most PDs, it is being eliminated in the new DSM-5 by being consolidated into other PD categories.

He used to tell me that he was a star soccer player (not true, but he believes it is true) and one of the most gifted musicians to have ever lived (he is gifted, but not so extremely). He even used to compare his compositions to those of Mozart and Beethoven, and would tell me that no one can really understand a genius like him.

This behavior is so characteristic of strong narcissistic traits. A narcissist typically is convinced of his specialness and seeks out "narcissistic supply" (i.e., affirmation of that illusion) from friends and lovers. Once they stop believing it, he drops them like a rock.

None of his relationships are stable or shallow. He fights with everyone he knows, throws tantrums, cuts people off for months and/or years to "teach them a lesson," and uses people to get whatever he wants (20K from a friend, babysitting from his mother, etc).

To have strong BPD traits, he must be emotionally unstable, which is a hallmark of such traits. This means he will flip back and forth between adoring someone for a while and then devaluing them, or even hating them. Moreover, these flips do not take two weeks to build up. Instead, they occur in 10 seconds in response to some minor infraction or innocent remark. This is why BPD mood changes are said to be "event triggered."

 

And, because you never know for certain what comment will trigger his anger next, you are left walking on eggshells for years trying to minimize his temper tantrums. This is why the most popular BPD book (targeted to Nons like you, BetterDeal, and me) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells. If your H only suffered from narcissism, you would not see that instability because, absent BPD traits, a "narcissist" typically is very stable. Yet, they can become very mean if you stop supporting their ego fantasy -- but they are stable when BPD traits are not present.

3. Identity disturbance - He has never said that he doesn't know who he is.

He doesn't have to admit it for it to be true. A man who believes he is "a star hockey player" and the creative equal of Mozart likely has an identity disturbance. Indeed, because he seems to believe the false image, his disturbance may be more serious than is true for most HF BPDers. As I noted, a man with strong narcissist traits has so completely lost touch with his true self that he doesn't even realize that his false self is his own creation. In contrast, BPDers at least realize that their false self is not real.

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilation - he does not display this kind of behavior.

High functioning BPDers rarely display this trait. It usually is seen only in low functioning BPDers. But, of course, HF BPDers will sometimes threaten suicide so as to control you by scaring you. My exW, for example, used to call me from a subway platform and tell me she was going to jump in front of the next train. Then she would hang up. But she never jumped.

 

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood - I am not certain what "affective instability" means, but his life is often unstable because of his reactions to things and inability to be criticized (massive tantrums and punishing other people when they criticize him).

"Affect" means mood. Hence, "affective instability" is simply "emotional instability."

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - I am not sure if he feels chronically empty (he has never mentioned this feeling), but he always needs to be around other people, have a wife (he married a few months after our divorce), and often has affairs. He loves for women to want him and brags about it when he thinks one does.

Yes, that is a good example. Another is his inability to be satisfied with your attempts to please him. With a BPDer, you never can do enough. He never can appreciate, for longer than a few days, what sacrifices you've made for him. This is why it's always "what have you done for me lately."

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger - this is true with people he knows. He is able to control himself around strangers - in court, for instance. So a lot people who only meet him briefly might believe that he is really quite stable.

As I explain in the posts I gave you links for, a HF-BPDer typically gets along fine with casual friends and complete strangers because they are unable to pose any threat to his two great fears: engulfment and abandonment. Because those folks are not intimate with him, they cannot suffocate and engulf him. And, because they are not in a LTR with him, there is no close relationship that can be abandoned. Because those casual friends never see his dark side, any Non breaking up with a BPDer usually loses most of the casual mutual friends -- because they often believe the vindictive crap that the BPDer makes up. They cannot imagine that the BPDer would fabricate such information.

[Mauschen]

Downtown,

 

Thank you for your thoughts on my ex-H. Your time means a lot to me.

 

I don't think my ex will ever get a formal diagnosis for a couple of reasons. First, he would never see a therapist unless it is court ordered. And second, he can behave himself (I think) well enough in front of strangers that a therapist might never realize who his true self really is unless they meet with him for months.

 

His latest stunt this week was making my son wear wet underwear all day as a punishment for pooping his pants. The school nurse called child protective services for the 3rd time, but again this incident is not reportable because there is no visible physical damage. Unbelievable.

[Downtown]

he can behave himself (I think) well enough in front of strangers that a therapist might never realize who his true self really is unless they meet with him for months.

Yes, BPDers typically are good actors because, not knowing who they are, they've been acting since childhood -- figuring out how people expect them to behave and then acting in that manner. It therefore usually is a piece of cake for a BPDer to mask his traits during the once-weekly 50-minute sessions with a therapist. And, if the therapist ever catches on, he likely will switch to another T or quit entirely. And, yes, what he did to your young son was outrageous.