Broken hearts

[Bobby]

I recently had my heart broken. I was in a relationship for 2 years and me and the lady i was with at that time was in love and was going to get married and everything. I noticed that over time she kept drifting farther and farther away from me. She got to the piont where she acted like i annoided her all the time. I did everything for her, bought her things, told her i loved her alot, wanted to see her everyday, called her everday, sent her flowers every week, pretty much worshiped the ground she walked on. I was totally head over heels in love with her. When we first started dating, it was the other way around. She broke up with me like 10 times, but after a few days she would allways come back. The last time was like 5 months ago. She broke up with me because she said she wanted to see other people. This time, she didn't come back. We tried being friends, but i found myself folowing her around like a lost puppy. She would allways tell me about some new guy she met and she would like try on purpose to get me jealous of her. We started argueing every day. After a while, i went to her house and told her that i didn't want her friendship anymore. That was like a 2 months ago. My heart was devistated for a while. After a while, I started meeting and going out with other girls. I got together with a few of them, and in a couple cases, even fullfilled my manlyness (one night stands) Im currently talking to 2 very lovely women. Im in my mid twentys, and my ex was only 18. Most of the females i find myself talking to, are of the same age as my ex. I guess i have a thing for younger girls. My problem is, i still fill like im carrying some baggage from my past relationship. I feel sometimes like me and my ex isn't totally over yet. Part of me tells me it is not over and the other part tells me it is over. For some reason, I try and find girls that looks like my ex.(same figure, age, hair color, etc.) and is the same age as her. I only want a girl if she looks, acts like my ex. Is that normal? I can't figure out why i try to find someone just like her. Anybody have an opinion on why this is so?

[Tony T]

You wrote: "I did everything for her, bought her things, told her i loved her alot, wanted to see her everyday, called her everday, sent her flowers every week, pretty much worshiped the ground she walked on."

 

This is an extremely serious mistake in any relationship. No woman wants a guy who is a lovesick wimp. NO woman at all. They throw up at this. Women want a MAN who is a challenge, who isn't at their beck and call, a man who is unpredictable...I have written this hear so many times.

 

You have a serious problem and there is almost no way I can adequately respond without being able to question you face to face. I will answer this one intuitively and you see how close I am to the mark.

 

My feeling is you have abandonment issues. Either your mother or father, most likely your mother, abandoned you either emotionally and/or physically at an early age. You crave the love you lost so much you are willing to do anything for it...which is WRONG and terrible love strategy.

 

The girls you see are all about the same age. My guess is that in some way, either physically or otherwise, they remind you or you want them to remind you of the person you lost early in life. That is very often why we gravitate to the same age/type of person.

 

You are going to have to get a grip on yourself, seek counselling, and get off this kick you're on. You will devastate your life. Again, women want MEN. Love is not for the weak.

 

In your childhood, you may have felt powerless and in no control of your life because of your dysfunctional family. You seek girls much younger than you because you can feel superior and in control of them. To your surprise, every single time you find that they ultimately have control over YOU so your behavior is not working. Don't look for ladies you can have control over, look for ones you can share equally with in life. Again, this is total speculation.

 

There is also a natural instinct in men to go for younger women who have lots of eggs and can better assist you in procreation. However, I don't think that applies in your case because women your age have lots of eggs left to have plenty of babies. My guess is that if your childhood was horrible enough and depressing enough, you are most likely not consiciously interested in having a family right now.

 

Sorry to ramble on with speculation. But to get at the root of your problem, I just need more details.

 

If you will repost and give me more details of your childhood, I can probably do a better job. However, I feel pretty confident I have struck at the root cause here.

[lila]

i think you go around with girls, so your gf will be upset and you want her to come back. so this is not the way to show your love for somebody you love. be clear with your feeling and if you realy love her, try once again to tell her how you fell about her and talk about it, if it is realy over

 

don't try look for somebody who looks like her. just be free of that and say if you meet somebody like her take iit like a little karmic..........

[Bobby]

You wrote: "I did everything for her, bought her things, told her i loved her alot, wanted to see her everyday, called her everday, sent her flowers every week, pretty much worshiped the ground she walked on." This is an extremely serious mistake in any relationship. No woman wants a guy who is a lovesick wimp. NO woman at all. They throw up at this. Women want a MAN who is a challenge, who isn't at their beck and call, a man who is unpredictable...I have written this hear so many times. You have a serious problem and there is almost no way I can adequately respond without being able to question you face to face. I will answer this one intuitively and you see how close I am to the mark. My feeling is you have abandonment issues. Either your mother or father, most likely your mother, abandoned you either emotionally and/or physically at an early age. You crave the love you lost so much you are willing to do anything for it...which is WRONG and terrible love strategy.

 

The girls you see are all about the same age. My guess is that in some way, either physically or otherwise, they remind you or you want them to remind you of the person you lost early in life. That is very often why we gravitate to the same age/type of person. You are going to have to get a grip on yourself, seek counselling, and get off this kick you're on. You will devastate your life. Again, women want MEN. Love is not for the weak. In your childhood, you may have felt powerless and in no control of your life because of your dysfunctional family. You seek girls much younger than you because you can feel superior and in control of them. To your surprise, every single time you find that they ultimately have control over YOU so your behavior is not working. Don't look for ladies you can have control over, look for ones you can share equally with in life. Again, this is total speculation. There is also a natural instinct in men to go for younger women who have lots of eggs and can better assist you in procreation. However, I don't think that applies in your case because women your age have lots of eggs left to have plenty of babies. My guess is that if your childhood was horrible enough and depressing enough, you are most likely not consiciously interested in having a family right now. Sorry to ramble on with speculation. But to get at the root of your problem, I just need more details. If you will repost and give me more details of your childhood, I can probably do a better job. However, I feel pretty confident I have struck at the root cause here.

[Bobby]

Well.... When i was a kid, i was allways closer to my mom. My dad was never home, he worked alot and was allways going on trips for months at a time. In my early teenage years, my mom died of cancer. I was devistated and it was really hard to cope with. My dad tried establish some kinda connection with me and to be there for me but i would tell him to go to hell and didn't want anything to do with him. When i was 17, i moved out on my own. Me and my dad has never been close. could that be what your referring to? Kim, (my ex gf) was my first and only true love. It felt so good in my heart to have someone to hold, and someone to tell me that they loved me. I didn't want to lose her, but then again i had no choice in the matter. She had no kinda self confidence when i met her and she pretty much worshiped me. I was also her first BF. After a while, she started haveing more and more of a social life. She still has a problem with self confidence but its not as bad as when i first met her. I think i might have gave her a boost of self confidence. My feelings for her now is starting to lessen as time goes on and im healing very well and im feeling better about myself. I realize that girls don't like guys that kiss there butts. I know that probably had something to do with it. Im not like that with other girls though, i don't understand why i was like that to her. Maybe because it was the first time i had ever been in love? But every girl i go out with, i compare them to her, i want them to look like her, act like her etc. Anyway, there is some more info fo you Tony. Any more info on this would be great.

You wrote: "I did everything for her, bought her things, told her i loved her alot, wanted to see her everyday, called her everday, sent her flowers every week, pretty much worshiped the ground she walked on." This is an extremely serious mistake in any relationship. No woman wants a guy who is a lovesick wimp. NO woman at all. They throw up at this. Women want a MAN who is a challenge, who isn't at their beck and call, a man who is unpredictable...I have written this hear so many times. You have a serious problem and there is almost no way I can adequately respond without being able to question you face to face. I will answer this one intuitively and you see how close I am to the mark. My feeling is you have abandonment issues. Either your mother or father, most likely your mother, abandoned you either emotionally and/or physically at an early age. You crave the love you lost so much you are willing to do anything for it...which is WRONG and terrible love strategy.

 

The girls you see are all about the same age. My guess is that in some way, either physically or otherwise, they remind you or you want them to remind you of the person you lost early in life. That is very often why we gravitate to the same age/type of person. You are going to have to get a grip on yourself, seek counselling, and get off this kick you're on. You will devastate your life. Again, women want MEN. Love is not for the weak. In your childhood, you may have felt powerless and in no control of your life because of your dysfunctional family. You seek girls much younger than you because you can feel superior and in control of them. To your surprise, every single time you find that they ultimately have control over YOU so your behavior is not working. Don't look for ladies you can have control over, look for ones you can share equally with in life. Again, this is total speculation. There is also a natural instinct in men to go for younger women who have lots of eggs and can better assist you in procreation. However, I don't think that applies in your case because women your age have lots of eggs left to have plenty of babies. My guess is that if your childhood was horrible enough and depressing enough, you are most likely not consiciously interested in having a family right now. Sorry to ramble on with speculation. But to get at the root of your problem, I just need more details. If you will repost and give me more details of your childhood, I can probably do a better job. However, I feel pretty confident I have struck at the root cause here.

[Tony T]

Well, Bobby, I think a large part of your problems with this lady and others has to do with your experiences as a young man and teenager within your family. You did not grow up in normal, supportive surroundings.

 

I think you have some work to do in knowing how to deal with love and knowing how to relate to someone when you fall in love with them. You just don't give them the world like you did with this lady. You have to follow the advice I gave you earlier.

 

However, you also need to become MAN enough not to take disrespect or crap from people. Everybody needs to be loved but you don't need it enough to buy it or take a lot of garbage from anybody.

 

Read some books on functional families and learn how healthy people relate to each other in relationships. This is a growing process for you so just be patient with yourself. Remember, never be too nice but always be kind and respectful. Don't try to buy love, it's not for sale.

 

You are comparing other girls to your ex because in your mind finding someone exactly like her is your way of getting a second chance. Rationally, you should be looking for someone a lot different because your ex DID NOT want to be with you. Find a nice girl that you are attracted to who cares about you and wants to spend time with you. That's what you should be after!!!

 

Be patient with yourself. This will all work out with time.