In a great relationship but certain thoughts make me sick in the stomach!

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I went out on our first date in Oct 03, but really started going out in Jan 04. These 2.5 months have felt like a year when it comes to relationship growth and she says that the closeness has with me she has never had with anyone else. We have this openness, pure honesty and transparency that she has never had with anyone. We go away, on trips.....talk on the phone from 11 pm to 5 am sometimes....its really great. She said that every time we go away on a trip she gets closer to me and the relationship gets stronger. All of these things she has never done with people before.

 

Her first boyfriend(a friend of her family's) she went out with for almost 3 years when she was 18, it would be 1.5 years into relationship that she would lose her virginity to him. There was talk of marriage yet this relationship made her realise everything she did not want in someone, she was miserable for the last 12 months and she broke it off not long after her 21st. She saw problems with this guy before she started going out with him but believed she can change that...but then not only could she find she could not....but also realised that it was not what she wanted whether changed or not.

 

She remained single for over 12 months after the break up and then started dating this guy; 4-5 months into dating him she would sleep with him(one time only) in Feb 03; the following week he would call her up and say a whole bunch of stuff about how he is not ready yet etc. She breaks it off and then it was on and off for a few months cause she was willing to give him a chance to be ready and every time she would tell him that its over, he would call her and show up to places she was at so he could stay in the picture. A few months after(May 03) when she finally said "that's it, we can remain friends and thats all and if you don't want that I can walk away from that too if you want"....he went crazy on her...started putting her down....made her doubt herself...with things like "I never really liked you", "You are an obsessive little girl" and then started sending abusive messages and spread rumours about her stalking him....which was all crap but he caught her off guard as she was never spoken to like this before. When she started going out with him alarm bells went off that he had just come out of a relationship and she should stay away as she may be the rebound girl, but she went out with him anyway.....it was during the time she went out with him(before she slept with him) that she started to realise how insecure this guy was, and how he hated her strong and outgoing personality(which I love), but she was willing to overlook that and attempted to make it work.

 

Months after that break up(Sept 03), I come into the picture...I am the exact opposite of anyone she has been out with. She said to me that in many ways I am everything she has ever wanted....she says the people in her past are not in the same league as I am in every way. She is a strong person and she has dealt with the past and looks back with no strings attached....and thanks God that she realised and broke it off with her first before it got to marriage; she does not regret ever going out with her ex as she believes it was a learning process for her and taught her what she did not want in someone. She also thanks God the other guy went psycho on her when he did so she was able to see the real him before she got too emotionally attached; although she was caught totally off guard when he did and it took her a while to get over him making her doubt herself. This guy was a miserable little wretch with a weak personality and no self esteem...her only guilt and regret was that she slept with him that one time and feels like she got played and wished she never met him.

 

We didn't really work out in the first time we went out in Oct 03 as she was still recovering from being treated that way by this psycho and wanted to deal with and close off any feelings and anything before she was ready to be with anyone again. I also sensed something at the time and so without saying anything we just stopped calling one another.

 

We have friends in common, it would be the end of Nov 03 that I saw her again at a party that I realised I wanted to give her another shot..so we re-initiated contact..it was a few weeks after that (Mid Dec 03) that she realised that she wanted to make us work....and after a month of "chance" meetings through common friends and phone flirting that we started going out properly in Mid Jan 04. She says that she is amazed how no one in her past ever compares to me and we really have a good thing going on here; we are best friends as well as lovers.

 

Her ex doesn't bother me(although I know the height of her love for him in that 3 year relationship is not the same level as the height of her love for me, I guess that's 2.5 months compared to 3 years...but she doesn't want to confuse feelings she may have had when she was younger and in a relationship with feelings she has now and may have with me in future..but its ok, I am willing to wait and I think I am in a much stronger position than he ever was); but he does not bother me at all. She still half owns a piece of land that she bought when they were going out....she is even willing to sell it if it bothers me but I told her that I cannot have an opinion on that...she is holding onto it not for emotional reasons as she bought it with him it was actually towards the end of the relationship long after she knew in her mind that it was over....but she is holding onto it as the land values in that area are booming....in any event I told her that she should not let our 2.5 months so far interefere with her investment plans.

 

Given all this information, why do I get this sick and burning in the pit of my stomach whenever I think of people in her past and her people being with other people and liking other people?

 

I guess these are my question and more importantly why do these things bother me? And will these feelings affect the relationship? And most important how do I make them go away?

[befuddled11]

You wrote:

 

"Given all this information, why do I get this sick and burning in the pit of my stomach whenever I think of people in her past and her people being with other people and liking other people? "

 

What did you mean by "her people being with other people and liking other people." ??

 

You are bothered by the thought of her EXES now being with other people? Is that what you meant? If so, why would that bother you?

[Anonymous]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the reply...

 

What I meant is that the thought of her being with someone else and liking someone else...before I came on the scene.....I guess the thought of her having feelings for and being with someone other than me once in her life bothers me.

[DerangedAngel]

What I meant is that the thought of her being with someone else and liking someone else...before I came on the scene.....I guess the thought of her having feelings for and being with someone other than me once in her life bothers me.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but... you're going to have to get the hell over that. It's very very hard to find someone who hasn't been in a relationship/cared for someone else before. Be glad that she cares for you now, eh? You can't change your past, she can't change hers. If she could, she wouldn't be the same person that she is today.

 

-Deranged

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the reply everyone.

 

Me and her had a chat about this, and for some reason we are both getting these sick in the stomach feelings.

 

She gets them when the thought of me having ex girlfriends crosses her mind and I get them when the thought of her having ex boyfriends cross my mind.

 

We talked about this and we also realised that this is the first time we have ever felt this way with someone. I never got these feelings with my ex's and she never got these feelings with hers.

 

Why are we getting them? And how the hell do we make em go away?

[pav186]

Although deranged angel is right, i sympathize because I get the same way. Although with me its a chronic thing and is actually attributed to OCD. Im assuming you dont have OCD and are just feeling jealous/insecure. If thats the case perhaps doing things to strengthen your relationship with her could help. From the posts ive seen on this board, jealousy over ex's seems to be a relatively common theme.

 

im not really sure what to say but good luck and i wish you the best

[Anonymous]

Thanks Pav

 

What is OCD?

 

And I am certain in my mind that I will not go back to any of my ex's and I have assured her....and she is the same and has assured me. Thats one of the reasons I think we are together....this strength of character whereby you make up your mind and never look back....this is something we have in common.

 

But the feelings of insecurity and jelousy are still there with both of us....I think to have jelousy is a good thing...it means you still give a damn....but these sick in the stomach feelings....I really don't know....

[reachingskywards]

The first thing I would do is to stop talking to each other about your exes... I realised that I made this very bad mistake when I went out with my last boyfriend. I told him about every relationship I had and all about them and other people I'd slept with. It was a huge mistake and one I would never make again. If you're thinking about each others exes then you're not thinking about each other. Who cares about the exes anyway -- you've both found someone much better, you both enjoy being with each other etc etc.

 

With the guy I'm currently seeing I've just told the least amount possible -- just a very rough and casual outline and have left it at that.

 

K

[morrigan]

Realize that her past relationships have contributed to her maturity and her being the person you love. She realized her mistakes with these men, she does not want to be with anyone who has those characteristics.

 

If these guys still bother you, don't discuss them--you are in a relationship with her, not with these people. If she still wanted to be with these guys, she would be. If you wanted to be with any of your exes, you would be.

 

Everyone has made mistakes and bad judgements. It's a great thing when you can learn from both your good and bad experiences. You don't have to live in the past.

[dangerouslydead]

i say don't ever let it die fully. this is the love that you are feeling for each other. I married a woman with no past. None that I know of. I would have gone crazy to even think that someone else might have touched her even in distant past. I get jealous of every guy that she talks to. Yet, I never let it be a negative stuff. I keep reminding myself that it is only because i love her so. Both of you - turn this into a pledge that no one else will ever touch your bodies the way you do. Live happily. It is not often you find a love so strong that makes you jealous in a positive way. Find it.

[Arabess]

I would never let a person's past rob me of the love we could share in the future. Those people aren't in the picture now....you are. If anything, THEY should be bothered with YOU....not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

You guys are the best...thanks for all this.....but its hard letting go.

 

We sat down and had a talk and I think its out pride getting in the way of things....I really do not know why ...but we have acknowledged a problem and need to find a way of working it out.

 

An example....she is planning a weekend get away for her and her friends....usually its a few couples and a few other friends at a resort out of town. I heard her friends reminicise about these weekend getaways...and mention her exes....well it only like happened and they went away a few times with her ex and once with that psycho guy....in any event.....she is planning this trip and wants me to be there.

 

My issue is....the only face different in this whole scenario is me...same friends and same coupls will be there...I am the only fresh face there.....its like I'm just the next guy she has brought along....I am not as special...and I feel I would be under scrutiny and compared...While she knows for fact I am not just another guy and I am so much better....I am sure that was her mentality when she introduced people before me and organised these trips and I am sure she didn't think of them as another guy either.

 

I was willing to go anyway...then when we discussed the subject and put her in my position....exactly the same scenario as described above but roles reversed and she said that no she would not go....and her pride would get in the way too.

 

I am pissed that our pride at each other's past is standing in the way of things and as Arabess said robing us.

 

We went on to discuss something else....that if I had ever lived with someone, or either of us had bought a home together with someone....we would not work out because the other person won't feel as special. In saying that she owns land with an ex....but she is willing to accept if I own land with an ex....but a house or home would be different...and we probably would not work out as the other person would feel second best.

 

Will we ever be able to swallow our pride? And I fear this may affect one of the best things that has ever happened to the both of us.....like what the hell is wrong with us? Why can't we be happy with what we got?

[Anonymous]

Hey People,

 

I have realised that there is no problem with the relationship, the love is the strongest it has ever been for the both of us.....I truly believe we are the love of each other's lives....and our happiness is at an all time high with one another.

 

She is not going through what I am going through, and I now realise that I have too much on my plate....I am doing the equivalent of 7 full time jobs and its over bearing to a point I started getting panic/anxiety attacks...and it was those attacks that were planting these messed up seeds in my head.

 

I am on something now and will be seeing someone to get through this, but I hope my expereince here can help others who may have gone through this.

 

Thanks and regards