wedding RSVP

[tkgirl]

so I have this friend... known her for a while and I consider her a pretty good friend... or I did! anyho.. here's what happened: her son is getting married next month and a while back I received an invitation to the wedding. I thought that was sweet but a bit odd... since the wedding is about 1000 miles away and she knows I would not be attending. Then I started thinking, well great, now I have to give them a gift... which is fine, I probably would have gotten them a little something anyways but now it's like I have to, know what I mean? Am I wrong to be a little irked by this? I mean, now I feel like the only reason I was sent an invite was like "we know you can't come but you can send us a gift"

 

so now for the issue with my friend... I didn't bother sending back the RSVP because well, I sort of lost it with some other mail... plus I figured she knew I wasn't going and they knew I wasn't going. But then the other day I get this lecture from her like how it was basically rude of me not to send back the RSVP! I apologized (twice) but now am starting to question my friendship with her... it wasn't the first time she's done something like that... she can be a little negative and is often condescending towards me.

 

What do you guys think? am I over-reacting? I just feel like distancing myself from her for a bit and re-assess our friendship because well... I like hanging out with POSITIVE people and not someone who puts me down...

 

any input would be mucho appreciated! thanks!

[NoMagicBullet]

Maybe from her perspective, she wasn't 100% sure you wouldn't come? I don't know, but maybe her view of your being invited is very different than yours. Also consider that in planning the wedding, they might have other people they could invite, if they had your RSVP "no" in a timely manner.

 

And if she really thought you couldn't come, maybe you were invited out of politeness and respect for your friendship, not just for a gift. I think your friend may be upset not just that you didn't reply, but by not replying, you basically blew off your friend's gesture of including you in a special event in her family. Just another perspective.

 

Apart from the invitation, it sounds like there have been other things simmering under the surface that have made you rethink your friendship, and those things should be considered on their own merits. I don't think this one incident is worth ending a friendship over, but taking all things together, there may be good reasons why you do not want to continue it.

[tkgirl]

thanks NMB.. it's always good to get a different perspective

 

I still feel like it was weird to get an invite to a wedding that's practically a thousand something miles away... from someone I've seen maybe a handful of times (meaning my friend's son). Like they can't honestly think that I would have been able to go... take time off work, get a flight out there, book a hotel room etc. etc. yes, it was probably a "gesture" of some sort but call me cynical... I still feel it was more about how many more people they could invite that they knew wouldn't show but they could get gifts from...

 

and as far as my friend goes... yes, I guess there are other underlying issues that have made me question whether we have a true friendship. And maybe the last straw was when she pretty much went off on me for not sending back the RSVP. And then when I apologized sincerely, she just went on again how "I guess some people (meaning me) just can't be bothered about such an important event" So then I apologized yet again and this time she was like "it doesn't matter". So it's okay to make me feel like crap but when I say I'm sorry it's like "whatever.. who cares"... I thought that was pretty lame.

 

So now I have decided to distance myself from her... and after not talking to her all week I get an email from her today asking what I was doing this weekend, that maybe we could hang out. I told her I was pretty busy all weekend and that was that... I dunno... maybe we will be friends again down the road but right now I'm not sure. I'm starting to see how she's basically a negative person that seems to want to be miserable about things... and I just don't need that in my life...

[NoMagicBullet]

Definitely poor on her part not to accept your apologies -- both of them! And I agree that it wasn't that logical to expect you to actually attend the wedding. But then she sounds like she might be driven more by emotion than logic. Not an easy thing for those of us who tend to be more rational-minded.

 

I have a friend who had to quit volunteering with a group because the leader is one of these emotionally driven types who just wasn't listening to the very sensible and practical advice that my friend and others had been giving -- advice the group sorely needed to be effective. I myself have people like that in my life (like my mom), and I find that I can only be aroud people like that under very limited circumstances and can only talk to them about certain subjects. I do try to figure them out, but only so I can anticipate and deal with the next bout of emotionally-driven irrationality.

 

I think it's probably a good thing to back off from her for a while and figure out if, when, and under what circumstances you might want to resume a friendship. Maybe after the wedding is over, and if she can recover from being Mother-of-the-Groom-zilla.

[Irishlove]

My friend sent me one and hers was in Las Vegas. I RSVPd via email. I didn't send a gift either. We r still friends. You should have RSVPd and no you don't have to get her anything. The economy is bad.

[tkgirl]

Definitely poor on her part not to accept your apologies -- both of them! And I agree that it wasn't that logical to expect you to actually attend the wedding. But then she sounds like she might be driven more by emotion than logic. Not an easy thing for those of us who tend to be more rational-minded.

 

I have a friend who had to quit volunteering with a group because the leader is one of these emotionally driven types who just wasn't listening to the very sensible and practical advice that my friend and others had been giving -- advice the group sorely needed to be effective. I myself have people like that in my life (like my mom), and I find that I can only be aroud people like that under very limited circumstances and can only talk to them about certain subjects. I do try to figure them out, but only so I can anticipate and deal with the next bout of emotionally-driven irrationality.

 

I think it's probably a good thing to back off from her for a while and figure out if, when, and under what circumstances you might want to resume a friendship. Maybe after the wedding is over, and if she can recover from being Mother-of-the-Groom-zilla.

 

yes, that's what I am thinking... maybe after the wedding she will mellow a bit and I can see if a friendship with her is possible again. I guess I feel like I couldn't always completely be myself with her... she's more like a "type A / realist type" where as I'm more of a free spirit sometimes bordering on hippie dippie or even airy fairy at times... and proud of it!

and I do get how her feelings might have been hurt by me sort of forgetting about the RSVP but I felt she could have been cooler it about after I apologized...

 

My friend sent me one and hers was in Las Vegas. I RSVPd via email. I didn't send a gift either. We r still friends. You should have RSVPd and no you don't have to get her anything. The economy is bad.

 

I agree... I should have sent the RSVP no matter how crazy I thought it was that I even got an invite. But it honestly did get lost in some old mail and I actually thought it was gone... then I guess I sort of assumed she would just tell them I wasn't going since she has known for a while I wasn't...

And yeah, right now I am considering not sending a gift at all because, well... I would only be doing it because I feel like I have to at this point... I like to give gifts because I want to and they mean something.

 

anyways, thanks for the responses... it feels good to get this off my chest and it helped me to figure out where to proceed from here.

Edited May 8, 2011 by tkgirl

[D-Lish]

I'll give you an honest answer.

 

If she wanted you to have an invite, she wanted you to come. Space for weddings is totally limited- so if she sent the invite- you were a priority for them/her.

 

Planning a wedding is difficult. By not replying, they are left with not knowing/and paying for an extra meal, etc.... And that costs them.

 

You can't just think that someone must know you can't come and therefore not reply. They need to know numbers so they can plan the event properly.

 

You really could have handled it immediately by replying "no" as soon as you got the invitation. And i'm being honest in saying that's what you shoud have done. If they send out 200 invites, they can't be expected to reason that the no-replies aren't coming. People that aren't coming need to say so.

 

I'd be a little mad too. Really all you had to do was send a quick e-mail wishing them luck and saying you couldn't make it so they could cross you off the list and keep planning the event.

 

I had people show up to my wedding that had never sent a yes/no reply, and they had no seats. My venue charged me an extra $1500 to set up a table for guests I didn't expect.

[tkgirl]

I'll give you an honest answer.

 

If she wanted you to have an invite, she wanted you to come. Space for weddings is totally limited- so if she sent the invite- you were a priority for them/her.

 

Planning a wedding is difficult. By not replying, they are left with not knowing/and paying for an extra meal, etc.... And that costs them.

 

You can't just think that someone must know you can't come and therefore not reply. They need to know numbers so they can plan the event properly.

 

You really could have handled it immediately by replying "no" as soon as you got the invitation. And i'm being honest in saying that's what you shoud have done. If they send out 200 invites, they can't be expected to reason that the no-replies aren't coming. People that aren't coming need to say so.

 

I'd be a little mad too. Really all you had to do was send a quick e-mail wishing them luck and saying you couldn't make it so they could cross you off the list and keep planning the event.

 

I had people show up to my wedding that had never sent a yes/no reply, and they had no seats. My venue charged me an extra $1500 to set up a table for guests I didn't expect.

 

Thanks D and I believe me, I do understand and agree with you... I should have sent the RSVP right away.. instead I set it aside, sort of forgot about it and then assumed my friend knew I wasn't going and would tell them... that was wrong of me.

 

But I guess the issue I have with my friend is that I said I was sorry, explained to her what happened... but I could tell she was still upset so I apologized yet again and then she was like "whatever". I was very sincere in my apologies to her, and the second time I did... since I could tell it really bothered her... I even said something like I hoped she didn't take it personally and could still think of me as one of her friends. So for her to say "that it doesn't matter" after that was sort of a slap in the face... like my friendship "doesn't matter" to her. So now I've backed off... I said I was sorry (and I truly was) but I'm not going to go around feeling bad about it anymore...

[prack]

Once upon a time, people didn’t need response cards. When they received a written invitation, they would RSVP on their own stationery, offering congratulations and whether or not they would be able to attend.With the invention of the telephone, it became customary to include a response card for formal invitations, and to ask people to RSVP by telephone for casual invitations.But what should a response card say, what is the etiquette of response cards, and are there other ways for guests to RSVP? Wedding RSVP etiquette is for both the bride and groom, as well as the guests. Following a few simple guidelines both parties will be able to communicate the invitation and the acceptance or regrets in a timely and fashionable manner.