Uncomfortable around friend's girlfriend

[Nina]

Recently I found out some really repulsive stuff about a friend of mine, I'll call him Bob.

 

Bob went out with Chris, one of my roomates, and Chris came back all drunk and babbled the story to me and my fiance. He and Bob had gone to a strip club, and Bob ended up going home with one of the strippers. Which reminded Chris of another time they had come out of a club and joked about the prostitues walking up and down the street, and Bob had actually driven over and picked one up and slept with her! The prostitutes in the town I live in are basically really poor and often on crack. I was disgusted.

 

So last night Bob came over with his girlfriend. I couldn't even look at her in the face, or bring myself to talk to her because I know it's none of my business. I can't talk to Bob about it because no one is supposed to know but Chris. Chris made me promise not to say anything. But I can't even stand having Bob in my house now. So Bob ended up standing around and eventually left about 20 min after he came over because no one was really talking to him at all.

 

Should I talk to him, or just avoid him? Should I tell his girlfriend? It's a real dilemma.

[Tony T]

You are most correct to keep your mouth shut and stay out of this issue. You should not avoid him. You should not tell his girlfriend because it is all hearsay. Even his guy friends were not in the alleged bedroom situation and will never know for sure if what they are saying is true.

 

Gossip is cheap and mean spirited. It destroys relationships, friendships, etc. Learn to be supportive of your friends, no matter what is said of them. You would expect your friends to do that for you.

 

Part of our growth as human beings is to become more nonjudgemental. Every person has to go through their own stuff to learn what they need to learn. Our job is to remain neutral, love them if we can, and to be kind, generous and patient. You would expect or appreciate that from others...and they will expect that from you.

 

Try to practice not judging people or, more specifically, their behavior. There are most often deep, sad, underlying reasons for it that we will never be aware.

 

I know I personally have some problems with phobias that prevent me from doing certain things. I sink into severe depression when people judge men for those. For that reason, I have learned to judge no man.

 

Some great book says, "Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged."

 

I can say, from personal experience, that to the degree I have stopped judging people or their actions is the degree my life has become a lot more simple.

 

As long as you are personally not being hurt, lay off this guy and let him learn his own lessons. Maybe he needs to learn that if he sleeps with this wrong lady of the night, his thingy will rot off. Who knows???

 

P.S. I do slip up a lot, especially on this forum. But it is on purpose. If I don't let some people know how stupid (not meaning you here) their behavior is, they may never find out. Please don't judge me for that.

[Nina]

I know that Bob went home with the stripper because he called my house from her house and talked to me and Chris.

 

I don't know, Tony. I mean, in this age of acceptance have we allowed morality and personal ethics to be overridden by leniancy? Nowadays, we are very accepting of other people's choices. In some cases, rightly so. I have no right to dictate what sexual orientation is the right one.

 

But personal choice of friends is about accepting who they are. I don't know that I can simply accept his infidelity. I am of the firm opinion from my psychology background that behavior in romantic relationships reflects behavior in all relationships, and vice versa. If he is that untrustworthy with the woman he lives with, how could I really expect to him to be trustworhty with me, a mere friend?

[Tony T]

I think you are totally right. Therefore, I would recommend that you forgive him, not judge him for his activity, but also cease your friendship with him on the grounds that you have incompatible morals and principles.

 

I am assuming, of course, that you have confronted him and confirmed directly with him what others have told you.

 

I have had various experiences myself personally with friends who became angry with me on the basis of what other people said I said or said I did. Even though the things weren't true, I was happy to dismiss them as friends because I felt a great part of their friendship was giving me the benefit of the doubt and listening to and considering my version of the truth.

 

Personally, I do not demand that my friends behave in any certain fashion. I do not claim as friends reputed criminals or obvious perverts or lunatics. But if a friend decided to engage is what was generally classified as immoral sexual behavior and infidelity, I would most likely change the landscape and depth of the friendship rather than end it. I would probably back off for a period of time during which this was taking place...unless it became chronic.

 

Again, stipulating that this information has been confirmed as true, you make an excellent point that if he is this way towards his girlfriend and himself in general, he is likely to be untrustworthy as a friend. Yes, you are right and justified in protecting yourself and your own reputation by announcing directly to him that your friendship with him is terminated and why.

 

However, I still think his girlfriend should receive the news through her own gathering processes. I'm quite sure that she will ultimately find out the way you did. That's not to say I'm right at all, so do what you want. But in my own life, I really don't get into other people's crap because when I have in the past, I have gotten a lot of it stuck on me.

 

If you have read many of my posts on this forum, you know I don't cut people slack very often. I don't respect what this guy has done if he is guilty but at my stage in life, it just isn't something I would want to get my hands in. I would probably take into consideration the length of the friendship, it's depth, the overall degree of joy shared throughout its life, and other aspects of the friendship before making that final decision to cut it off.

 

Even though that same psychology book you have probably beckons you to separate the behavior from the person (an excellent person can behave poorly at times), I think you are still correct in the attitude you are taking here. Give him the boot but make it just between you and him!!!