where to go from here

[Brokenhearttornapart]

so after all of the drama last night that was my fault, I asked H if he hated me. He said that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. When you hate somebody, you at least have some kind of emotion, but when you feel absolutely NOTHING, to me that's worse. It's like i'm dead to him. I'm depressed and I woke up with my little girl this morning, couldn't find my keys and ended up taking her to daycare way off schedule. I called him to ask if he had an extra set on him somewhere, but I guess his phone was off because it kept going straight to voice mail (no rings).

 

I'm giving H his space, he's currently a few towns over. It's Cinco de Mayo and I want H to have fun tonight. I've started separating our belongings and it's killing me. I always believed that marriage didn't have to end unless one cheated on another, but now I see that when you really mess up and your spouse feels empty to the point where there is nothing there from him to you then you can't fix it. Not now at least, maybe someday he will fall for me again, I don't know.

 

 

As much as I've messed up with the snooping, the insecurities, and the jealousy, I am a good person I promise. I just need to get some priorities straightened out and maybe even see a psychologist. I wrote a status on my facebook stating that i'm taking a break from it, which I think will be good. Most of the time these days I have people on there that only want the "scoop" of what happened, they aren't interested in actually helping me. I do have a few on there that are, but I wrote my e-mail address on the same status for those few to contact me. Maybe it will help - at least that's what i'm hoping.

 

My job hunt continues today as it will every day until I find something stable. It's hard to keep a happy face during interviews and even harder to imagine my life without my husband in it. I feel this huge void and I think I will start attending church. God may not be able to cuddle with me at night, but being around people of his word and feeling accepted and not rejected should help me in the long run. I'm also considering more hobbies - my clarinet, golf, hiking, and exercising will all be apart of my life again.

 

 

While all of this sounds great, it won't bring him back to me. I know my life is worth living and that without these issues and if he were to fall for me again we could work out, but I also know that things will never be the same. I became so untrustworthy and falsely accused him because of others so many times that there might not be any going back. It's hard to accept that, but I'm taking this day by day. I still love him and someday I hope he'll feel the same way again.