anxious need on how to handle

[frenchmanfl]

I believe wife has OM, but because they were friends before they became an item I know about the guy. he is about as far from what i could see my wife even touching let alone have a real love affair with, I almost believe it when she tells me they are just friends. There was a moment where I know she got flustered because he was a man paying attention to her, but I pushed her out of the house and told her to go live with her friend.

 

I know I am not supposed to speak of an OM or question anything to do with us when I am LC'ing which i have been very good at. But the not knowing is killing me. If I present it to her as though I would never us it against her legally or any other way but that it would give me some closure could I not ask her to please tell me the truth now that she is essentially living with the guy and therefore and we are fully separated and therefore she really risks nothing but just telling me the truth, that it would help me to move forward.

 

Please help with advice thank you ! It's driving me insane the not knowing. I don't want to pretend it's not happening if it is. In every other way i have been completely chill with communications but I need to know. If she confirms I can move forward and onwards.

 

To any ladies out there, why would she not be up front about this.

 

Thank you all.

[TaraMaiden]

You know, it's quite possible she is telling the truth.

 

But maybe it's hard for you to believe a woman COULD live with a guy and have a purely platonic "business-like" relationship with him.

 

Possible, but there again....

 

Here's how I would tackle it....(And admittedly, I am just presuming she would respond this way. Or at least, I'm hoping she would....!)

 

You: can I ask, do you sincerely want to hurt me and cause me pain?

Her: Of course not!

Y: And can you see yourself doing any of that to me, any time soon?

H: No, I certainly hope not!

Y: because you see, I know you're feeling very pressured right now, what with your mum's illness, and with what happened to your dad....And you know I am, and always will be here for them, don't you?

H: yes, I know that, and I'm grateful.

Y: Well, I think well enough of them AND you to be there for them. It would hurt you all, and it would be cruel of me if I refused to be there, right...?

H: Sure....

Y: So, if you know I wouldn't hurt you, and you say you wouldn't hurt me...if you ARE having a relationship with this guy, you would please tell me, because at least it would stop me experiencing the anguish of not knowing.... are you with this guy?

Are you in a relationship with him? And please don't feel you have to lie to protect me. I'd rather have the truth now, than find out a truth later....

[frenchmanfl]

Hi Tara, thank you for responding so quickly, the not knowing is what is killing me. Truth is I come to terms with it but then i have my days.

 

But if I read you correctly, I am not wrong to ask, that this cannot do any more damage then is done, that it is not pushing...she has moved out, we are seperated.

 

I will take your advice and present it to her exactly as you have.

 

Thank you so much !

[frenchmanfl]

Tara, here was here response...thoughts ? I responded back which I will post too. It goes against all conventions on this site but from this point forth I back off completely...if she is not in a relationship right now then I can deal with the rest..LC etc... :

 

He has helped me cope with all of this as a friend. He is great with derik &

derik respects him & I know Derik likes being with him. This being said it has

made me think differently about our friendship. Right now we are friends but I

am open to more possibly later. Right now i have a good friend.

Me leaving you has nothing to do with him. It has been along time coming &

something im doing for myself & my son & for you...wether you believe it or not

I know once you find someone who loves you w/o all the baggage you will look

back & be a happier person.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but again guilt is no reason to stay in

a marriage. I will always love you but I want to be separated. The life we

shared was just to hard.

Please don’t bring up divorce because its not necessary right now.

I hope you have someone to help you through this thats not our family.

I want nothing but happiness for all of us.

My goal right now is not to get fired from this job, to make sure our son

doesn't end up a failer & to be content & happy!!

 

Please try to find happiness. Youre right the last thing i have ever wanted was

to hurt you but now i need to focus on other things.

[Mauschen]

Your wife's response to you is pure garbage in my opinion. You need to stop talking to her, pleading with her, and move on. She is probably lying to you.

 

A good wife does not have close friends who are male that are also not friends with her husband. If she does and it bothers her husband, she should value her marriage over the friendship and get rid of the friend.

 

Get a lawyer (if you don't already have one) and get what you can while she is feeling guilty (she might be feeling guilty). If you don't have your son (I assume Derik is your son) at least 50% of the time - preferably more than 50% of the time, make sure you change that right away. Otherwise, you will be paying a ton in child support to a woman who ruined your marriage.

 

Good luck to you - things will get better!

[TaraMaiden]

Tara, here was here response...thoughts ? I responded back which I will post too. It goes against all conventions on this site but from this point forth I back off completely...if she is not in a relationship right now then I can deal with the rest..LC etc... :

 

He has helped me cope with all of this as a friend. He is great with derik &

derik respects him & I know Derik likes being with him. This being said it has

made me think differently about our friendship. Right now we are friends but I

am open to more possibly later. Right now i have a good friend.

Me leaving you has nothing to do with him. It has been along time coming &

something im doing for myself & my son & for you...wether you believe it or not

I know once you find someone who loves you w/o all the baggage you will look

back & be a happier person.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but again guilt is no reason to stay in

a marriage. I will always love you but I want to be separated. The life we

shared was just to hard.

Please don’t bring up divorce because its not necessary right now.

I hope you have someone to help you through this thats not our family.

I want nothing but happiness for all of us.

My goal right now is not to get fired from this job, to make sure our son

doesn't end up a failer & to be content & happy!!

 

Please try to find happiness. Youre right the last thing i have ever wanted was

to hurt you but now i need to focus on other things.

 

Then let her be.

... I think for your own peace of mind you have to try to accept that affections are difficult things, but you're not together any more.

I personally think you should file for divorce though.

She cannot keep calling the shots and expecting you to comply.

The fact is, and the fact remains, that you are living apart, reconciliation is out of the question, and she is cohabiting with a man she has feelings for, as she is "open to more, possibly later".

Take this as read, but do what is right - FOR YOU.

This isn't about keeping her happy, and playing at split families. This is about starting a process, and carrying it through.

It's over, and it needs a line drawn under it.

 

This:

 

"I hope you have someone to help you through this thats not our family.

I want nothing but happiness for all of us.

...

Please try to find happiness."

 

- is as good as saying,

 

'If you find a new partner to give you love and affection, it means I won't be so accountable for having this guy under my roof and feeling guilty about it. If you manage to move on and find a new GF, I can then be more open about the fact he and I are an item....'

 

Your wife's response to you is pure garbage in my opinion. You need to stop talking to her, pleading with her, and move on. She is probably lying to you.

 

A good wife does not have close friends who are male that are also not friends with her husband. If she does and it bothers her husband, she should value her marriage over the friendship and get rid of the friend.

 

Get a lawyer (if you don't already have one) and get what you can while she is feeling guilty (she might be feeling guilty). If you don't have your son (I assume Derik is your son) at least 50% of the time - preferably more than 50% of the time, make sure you change that right away. Otherwise, you will be paying a ton in child support to a woman who ruined your marriage.

 

Good luck to you - things will get better!

 

Harsh.

 

But true.

Edited May 5, 2011 by TaraMaiden

[frenchmanfl]

Guys, I understand your point of view.. I sent her a response asking her to simply keep a tiny window open. Her living with this guy ANd his roomates is temporary. but again, i sent her a response saying that I need nothing more from her. Said that stats show that couples that get through this end up stronger. You want to call me naive go ahead. I have explained that the guy in question is, well I will be honest, black and her entire family are racists. Ok I get the forbidden fruit thing...but what I cannot express to you all are the circumstances. She didn't respond to that message but then I sent a follow up saying, I am not interested in finding anyone right now because work and my son are my only concern, i don't have time for distractions.

 

On this one she responded with a simply ok...

 

OK maybe she is lying, but I am going to believe for now that she is not. If this is an EA only, which is likely then I can deal with that and it will burn out.

 

If anything this buys me the time to get on with my own life, with some hope, that hope might fade with time in which case the pain will not be nearly as pronounced as it is now.

 

Again there are so many factors that i can't describe in words. Trust me it's not naivetay. It is very possible she is lying but I don't think so. He is a fall back position, a body. Yes affection is there. If I am singing the same tune in six months then I will be pathetic but I am not going to stop fighting, which for now means just backing off and doing my own thing and worrying about work and my son. You don't spend 26 years with a woman and simply let go. Sorry, I think you are all just a little too quick to jump on the divorce bandwagon. I put this woman through a great deal and she stuck it out with me. Maybe she will never want it but I am not going to completely give in yet.

 

Maybe I will find someone along the way...maybe she is going to end up with this guy but I can assure you it won't last. He is an emotional escape but this guy is not what will give her what she wants. If he was rich succesfull, good looking etc, i would say, ok she's gone.

 

Sorry not giving up yet. If anything this is just to get past this hump.

 

I am no sucker but I am also simply not going to give up yet. I have seen others who are doing the same on this site...I do appreciate your positions though...

 

Tara though i am surprised at yours...her response was painful, but...

 

Again if this guy was a dream boat with money...but he's not...why would she lie ? I told her in my initial e-mail that I would continue to help where promised, that I just needed closure. If she wanted to close the door this was the perfect opportunity to do so. I would never take her son away from her and vice versa.

 

Maybe she is with this guy, I will deal with it for now and heal myself. Couples recover from this...maybe i won't be in that stat but i am not going to snot going throw in the towel after only a few weeks separated...sorry, called me a fool....again, I might well find that woman along the way, the options are not closed...

[TaraMaiden]

I would never say you're naive, and I'm nor suggesting you're being suckered in, but I'm looking at it from a woman's perspective, and trying to get under her skin.

 

Women by and large have a different mind-set.

 

Men are 'providers', women are 'nurturers'.

This is a generalisation, given our human propensity for insisting on equality and a completely level playing field (and take into account social values, influences, moral upbringing and conditioning and we suddenly become very complex figures!) - but Nature will show you this is so.

Therefore, her words to you have been chosen to prevent collateral damage.

Quite simply, it is NOT her intention to hurt you, this is obvious.

But whether she is telling the truth or lying - well, you know her better than I, but it seems to me 'the lady doth protest too much'.

 

I think you should certainly consider the idea and possibility of finalising and legalising your separation.

It's all very well hanging in there, and watching matters unfold - but at least do your research.

Like all good Boy Scouts - be prepared.

Nobody expect the unexpected, you see....

[frenchmanfl]

You are absolutely right and thank you for the clarification. I am on my toes, trust me. This afternoon she sent an e-mail about next weeks schedule with my son and it was too many nights for her so I protest gently and she said your right, let me know how you want work things out.

 

The underlying question for me is to what advantage is it to her to BS me ? None ! She knows I would never ever take her son from her and she makes the same money as I do.

 

What I believe is that she is having lots of fun being free and that is completely fair. As they say if you love someone set them free. You know the rest. It kills me but it's a price, for now I am willing to pay and I have to get on with things on my end. It is much easier doing so with the current belief that she is just having a good time feeling that the weight has been lifted.

 

Now my job is to kick myself back into confident and smooth mode. I am a good looking guy, in shape, very traveled etc etc. I am humble but also no slouch in the intelligence dept and finally, which was a huge attraction for my wife is that I have a huge heart. I have been Mr. Needy *******, now I need to get over it.

 

I win either way !

[frenchmanfl]

As a final note on this...note that it is not only women that can be cunning and shrewd. When she and I were first dating she pulled this girly childish stuff on me and after I took the pain, I bounced back with a vengeance. As mentioned, and please don't take this as ego because I am humble but I am a good looking guy, slim, 6 ft etc. I have a lot gong for me. I am NOT a player, I wait and wait for the right girl and when I find one, I typically win. ( note I am also phsyching myself up for battle =). I want my family back but I won't get it by playing pathetic. I still love my wife but she has screwed me over on this one, even if I believe that I deserve it ( because I made her suffer too with partying etc etc ). I came down here telling her this could be the first time where one of us isn't recovering from the others " misdeeds ". I was wrong, but again now it's about family, my son and a woman I still love and whom I believe right now is completely lost, partly by mid life crisis and partly by anger towards me.

 

Now let's look at the scenario...this guy..he is no where near better than me...he is not the right skin tone which means she will not introduce him as her boyfriend to anyone in her family or even her old friends. What happens when he starts asking to be introduced to Dad ? and she keeps delaying it. Maybe it will be him who starts to smell a rat. Note I am NOT a racist, I grew up as a minority in Asia.

 

Then there is the fact that she has jumped into what if it isn't already will be a commited relationship with a guy who has been living the single life for who knows how long, left his kids in California whom he never sees. He is not going to enjoy when she starts barking orders at him and when she starts asking him to be like this or like that. Remember I know what this woman wants, she tried to change me. She is difficult, but I was able to brush it all off and still love her to death.

 

Instead of out there banging every guy that walks she will be with one guy, which to me is a good thing. He will get jealous and defensive if it ever gets that far.

 

When she comes out of the cloud she is going to be in for a shock as is he.

 

Now keep in mind that my wife is also a very smart shrewd woman and is likely partly toying with him but the only minus she has is that she trust people too quickly. I have repeatedly told her to not give up everything to people she just meets, no such luck and every time she gets burned.

 

I will not sit around and mop, but I for now prefer to be told that she is not doing anything. It makes it easier for me but also makes me fired up because I don't like what she has done to my family.

 

What is a year if it means that I have my family back for the rest of my life ? Nothing ! Maybe in that year I will find that new love and my plans will change, but as I said I could be in much worse circumstances, my wife out there banging everything that walks etc.

 

Plus let's flip this coin around. If she is lying to me, why, it's not because she doesn't want to hurt me it's because she isn't sure. What does this mean ? That she is holding me as a back up ? fine...that's in her head not mine. What I will do is make myself the better choice, because I am not playing against a very tough opponent, just Mr right guy at the right time, with everything else wrong. I make as much as he does with my base salary ( again this guy was her friend and she told me all about him ). When my business gets kicking.... looks...another check in my column...My wife before I came down here was looking at used BMW's because she felt my Audi was a little long in the tooth ( it is ). This guy drive a beige appliance. Note that I am writing this in the context of what she thinks, not I. I was raised with the belief that the garbage man deserves the same amount of respect as the CEO and note that my wife is also humble but she is a little more hooked on appearances.

 

This guy is simply a stand in, who will likely not get anymore than maybe some kissing. My wife has always been very shy and right now she is a lttle overweight.

 

Anyway guys thank you so much for listening. As you can tell I am now mildly angry and ready to pump myself up for a little friendly battle. I need to get a little cocky but I also need to be patient and get my ducks in a row. I understand why she isn't attracted to me right now, although my tone is changing with her. It's not an easy battle when you have been with one women for so long but I need to channel back to how I was when I was a peacock. The fear I have had in doing that is that by closing the heart I may not be willing to get this family back as I want it, but that is just the risk I am going to have to take.

 

Go forth and conquer ! LOL !

 

I am not ready for divorce or an official seperation. I am not interested in our assets. My only interest is my son and right now she is the one in the wrong not me. I will never play that card but...So long as she doesn't ever try to play that card against me, I don't give a crap about the rest.

 

Ciao amigos and thank you again.