Coping Log Take 2

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey all, I made another log right after my break up but I rambled so much about meaningless details that no one ever replied... lol. So I'm making this new one and I promise to focus more on the present and less on the past.

 

Since we broke up 2 weeks ago it has been pure madness for me. Sometimes I start to think I'm doing alright, then BAM suddenly it feels like I might actually die from the pain. That's how I have been feeling today... just curled up in a fetal position bawling my eyes out, wondering why the hell he fell out of love with me. I talked with my cousin yesterday about it because I found out him and his gf of 3 years broke up. They had a great relationship, and it didn't work out just because feelings eventually changed and circumstances changed. I guess this happens quite a bit... But talking to him really helped (for like one night, then I was practically at square one again today).

 

I'm home from college for the next few days (originally was about 10 so almost ready to go back). My mom was leaving the house today and I basically ran after her crying, asking if I could go to therapy. On top of all this break up mess I used a hair removal cream on my upper lip and now I have a few weird brown marks, like a burn reaction or something. Seriously the LAST freakin thing I needed... I was SO CLOSE to texting my ex a little bit ago. I was gonna say something like "When are you coming back?" because he's on a trip out of the country right now. But I realized just how needy/not stable that was gonna make me sound... so NC I will remain (on day 6 now)... .

 

EDIT: I just realized today is actually day 8 of NC.... way further along than I thought...

Edited May 5, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Day 9 of NC... I'll probably stop counting soon for my sanity. Today was really rough. More crying, crying, crying. Asking why, why, WHY? I talked it over with my mom about 3 or 4 times. She tells me the same things - he wasn't capable of being in a long term relationship, he had problems, I need to move forward and think of this as a time in my life when things couldn't have worked out... etc. Deep down I know it's true. I know he could never have a deep emotional connection with me... it just was never in the cards. But I have such a difficult time accepting that he didn't love me like I loved him, and that he has to be gone. I looked to him for so much - love, companionship, friendship, someone to be there when I needed help, .. Letting go of it is harder than anything I've done. I have to trust that everything is going to be ok and that this had to happen. People that try to advise me are barely getting through and I still stare at my phone wondering if I will hear from him, and what he could possibly be thinking.

 

I know i should have seen the signs. If you think someone isn't noticing you or paying attention to you like they should, they probably aren't. If they constantly joke about something like "not having a heart" and being a sociopath then maybe that's a red flag, and an indication of a truth. If someone claims that they can't really love or be close to others, but that they love YOU, then that's probably a red flag too. If he couldn't love anyone else I don't know how I expected him to love me. My biggest consolation here is STILL that I haven't gone begging, pleading, declaring my love, or contacting him in any way. Whatever he's feeling is now up to him... and I HAVE TO move on with my life. I know it, I'm fighting it, I'm grasping at the past trying to keep him somehow, but I know he needs to be an afterthought. A cliff note. The past.

Edited May 6, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

It's getting easier. The reason it is, is because I'm gradually coming to the realization that he DID NOT love me in the way I loved him, which was unconditional and deeply emotional. I realize his feelings were not non-existent, but rather were more shallow and not strong enough or deep enough to maintain a long term connection through thick and thin. I ignored the times when it was obvious he wasn't being attentive to me or acting like a boyfriend who truly cares about my well-being. I ignored the times when I would have a conversation with him and come away from it feeling more insecure than before. I know now that I felt like that because of his inability to give me what I needed - which is deeper conversation driven by a genuine concern for me, and a true desire to be my PARTNER. In the past I blamed myself for over-thinking things and over-analyzing, but often times I only did that because my interactions with him were not making me feel the way they should have. If I'm upset, i can't have a partner who is unable to ever comfort me. I recall a time recently when he told me to tell him what to do when I was upset. I told him to just be comforting, and he actually said he didn't know HOW to be. What kind of life can you have with a partner who can never truly comfort you? Probably an insecure, lonely life. See, I'm all for being a strong and independent person. But I believe your partner should also be able to remind you of your value and your strengths, and make you feel loved and secure. I read a story once (a couple actually) about men who were going through difficult times and sometimes they would put themselves down... but when they did, their wives made the effort to build them back up. If the man said, "I'm just not good enough... I'm not worthy" the wife would then tell him, "You are worthy of it all. You are wonderful." And that seed of positivity and encouragement made all the difference. I can honestly say he didn't know how to treat me in that way. It's not as though he never tried to help me, and maybe he did a little bit sometimes... but it did always seem that his ways of helping me were pretty detached. (I mean, emotionally detached). Like things that you would say to someone that you didn't know all that well but wanted to offer them general advice.

 

There was a moment a few days before the break up where I was really upset about the fact that I had felt uncomfortable at a church service with him that day. He asked why I had gone, and I said I wanted to share that part of his life with him in the future, and just wanted to try and get comfortable with it now. He thought he was over-influencing me, and said maybe I shouldn't have people in my life who over-influence me... so he was suggesting a break up. I know he was frustrated, and it was a rash thing for him to say... and MAYBE I can understand him saying it if he felt really overwhelmed. But he never talked to me about that afterward, never wanted to talk to me about anything he was feeling, or expressed an interest in working things through. Instead he silently continued to pull away (something he likely had been in the process of doing for a little while) and ended it coldly.

 

I guess only someone who doesn't love you acts like that - and that's what he said... that he didn't love me. Period. Truly I don't have bad feelings toward him as a person though. I know he had good intentions getting into his relationship with me, and I know he cared about me too, but his emotional immaturity, lack of an ability to deal with problems and serious matters, and his inability to form real connections with others made it impossible to have a long term relationship with him. He reached a breaking point once he knew he couldn't give anymore to the relationship. I hope he is able to live a fulfilled life anyway, and I hope I can become better than ever and feel even more confident about life as the days go on.

Edited May 7, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Was struck by a memory of us laying in bed and him looking me in the eyes and saying, "I never want to feel this way about anyone else again." It was a lovely moment, and it was toward the beginning of the relationship. Then I fast forward my memory to the end, when he told me he once loved me, but the feeling didn't last. And I remember the part where he said he can't truly love, at least not long term... even going as far as to say that if he's not meant to be with anybody, it's ok AND that he felt it was unlikely he would fall in love with someone else. A couple things:

 

- I recognize that if this "love feeling" didn't last as he says, then it wasn't REALLY love. Or, it was an immature, short-lived loved that you can have for someone temporarily but that cannot weather through the storms of life.

 

- I recognize that it is not my responsibility to concern myself with whether he is meant to be with anyone, or whether he will fall in love again, or whether he will be able to maintain a relationship in the future. My only concern with this situation is that he does not love me, it's not my fault, and I need to move on.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Still here. I went shopping all day today with my grandma, and she basically was willing to buy me whatever I wanted. But all i got was a wallet, and I even had to be pushed to get that. I guess I learned that *stuff* doesn't really matter at all. All I care about is people, friends, family, love, happiness, talent... Anyway, my grandma has been married for like 61 years. She's never experienced a break up in her life, because she met my grandpa at 14 and was married by 17, and they NEVER broke up. It amazes me and warms my heart to know that this kind of love and commitment exists. She talked to me about my situation and had a few things to say. She felt I was lucky that he had broken up with me, and said that no woman would ever be happy with someone who can't understand how other people feel, and who can't be a source of comfort in hard times. She also said it was ironic that I had been taking a relationship seriously with someone who wasn't able to take anything seriously! I laughed, because it made sense.

 

I realize that my ex currently has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, and ironically, he has actually admitted to having that level of maturity. He even told me that that's why he gets along with kids so well - because he's exactly like them. It's true too.... the way he talks to people without understanding boundaries, the way he practically bounces off the walls sometimes when out with friends, the way he randomly climbs walls or other objects, his ego, his inability to sit through and be an active participant in emotional or serious conversations, and his lack of deep familial or friendship relationships.... How can you expect a 5 year old to maintain an adult relationship? Exactly...

 

EVEN knowing all that, this is still really hard, and part of me does still want him. I couldn't even tell you why - I guess it's because part of me really does still miss the aspects of him that I liked. Sometimes that playful immaturity had a way of brightening my day. I know though, that it's possible to have playfulness without a disregard for boundaries and without getting into trouble, AND you can have that with the emotional maturity to back it up. I guess that's the partner I would need. Someone who has that playful, fun, spontaneous quality, but who also doesn't run or freak out when it comes to problems and emotions.

 

Every day that passes I get a little better, but I'm not all better. I sincerely need to feel that I am not going to care about this after a while, but I'm not there yet. Any comments would be appreciated by the way... yall are too quiet .

[Brittny]

I think you got some kind of reaction to the cream you used. I recommend you try crotex hair removal cream. Its safe and gets rid of unwanted hair permanently.

[sleepykitten]

Hi Dontworry, i am on day 7 of no contact-and its tough, i guess i thought he would text, we broke up 7 weeks ago but saw each toher last fri night for a concert and he stayed over, guess he got what he wanted, to see the concert and have sex, and to leave again. So this time i didnt make a big thing, or e mail telling him i wanted no contact i just decided to myself that is it, i am done.

But like you i am struggling day to day, not like i was in the beginning, but despite knowing my ex has issues like emotional immaturity, being a mummys boy, commitment issues etc i still get a sharp out of the blue pain when i think of all he said in the first yr of our relationship how in love he was and how he could then just let it all go so easily. But then i remind myself of his flaws, his irresponsibility, he wanted the honeymoon period only.

We will both move on, it will be ok, the pain will lessen. Stay nc, stay strong, think positive good thoughts. I know i can do better than my ex, i really do believe that.