Sex life is dead.

[Wehtiko]

Hi, I'm new here but this seems to best place to ask this question. I've been with the same woman since 1988 and we've been married since 1990. She's Filipino and I'm Canadian (if that's relevant) and we have two children, both now over 18.

Our sex-life has never really been all that good and over the last year its dropped to virtually nothing. I think we've had sex a total of 8 times over the course of the last year (all exactly the same way for the benefit of her orgasm). Because we've had kids I've tolerated the few and boring sex we've had but now I don't think I can take it anymore!

My wife doesn't like to kiss and thinks that semen is 'filth'. She's absolutely addicted to Farmville (but if it wasn't that it would, and has been, other things). I haven't even been passionately kissed since 1986 when I dated a girl from Manitoba.

I LOVE romance and intimacy and she just brushes it off as unimportant. God do I miss kissing and intimacy. She won't talk about this problem (since it's mine) and won't do anything about the lack of sex in our lives as she doesn't think it's a problem!

We've done very well financially, and I'm deeply considering leaving as life is just too damn short for lack of romance, intimacy, or sex. But we've been together now a long time and it seems a waste to chuck it now.

I'm at my wit's end!

[Green Light]

Hi, I'm new here but this seems to best place to ask this question. I've been with the same woman since 1988 and we've been married since 1990. She's Filipino and I'm Canadian (if that's relevant) and we have two children, both now over 18.

Our sex-life has never really been all that good and over the last year its dropped to virtually nothing. I think we've had sex a total of 8 times over the course of the last year (all exactly the same way for the benefit of her orgasm). Because we've had kids I've tolerated the few and boring sex we've had but now I don't think I can take it anymore!

My wife doesn't like to kiss and thinks that semen is 'filth'. She's absolutely addicted to Farmville (but if it wasn't that it would, and has been, other things). I haven't even been passionately kissed since 1986 when I dated a girl from Manitoba.

I LOVE romance and intimacy and she just brushes it off as unimportant. God do I miss kissing and intimacy. She won't talk about this problem (since it's mine) and won't do anything about the lack of sex in our lives as she doesn't think it's a problem!

We've done very well financially, and I'm deeply considering leaving as life is just too damn short for lack of romance, intimacy, or sex. But we've been together now a long time and it seems a waste to chuck it now.

I'm at my wit's end!

 

You've come to the right place, hang out a while. There are many of us in the same boat.

My wife shows no affection whatsoever and she thinks that is perfectly normal.

Sadly, I'm not sure that there is a solution to the problem. It seems that once a woman loses "it" it's gone and there is no way to get it back.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

me, giotto, jamesM (maybe the best) to start and you'll find many posts....

 

I am too tired to write on this subject anymore.

 

Welcome to LS.....

[TaraMaiden]

You have a series of choices:

 

You tell her that you refuse to be an InCel (Involuntary Celibate) and that simply because she is off sex and has no interest in intimacy or affection, it doesn't follow that you feel the same way.

so you intend to find somebody outside of your marriage who can be an FwB, and she then has a choice:

 

she can remain in the marriage and put up with that, and accept that this is the way it's going to be -

 

or -

 

She can have a divorce because as far as you're concerned, this marriage has irretrievably broken down, and is no longer going anywhere.

 

Now, if she wants to make the effort and attend Marriage Counselling, tell her you'd be happy to do that too, but I'm personally advising you now, that MC doesn't necessarily mean you'll end up staying together.

MC is there to be able to discover what the issues are, and discuss them in a way that is both constructive and clear, and allows people to be on the same page, on a level playing field.

 

your third option is frankly, to suck it up, put up with it, grin and bear it, and resign yourself to accepting what is before you.

 

Most of the guys here have done that.

 

Frankly, I find it amazing that they haven't chosen to place these options in front of their wives, and taken a more determined stance.

 

Up to you.

[xxoo]

I've been with the same woman since 1988 and we've been married since 1990.

 

I haven't even been passionately kissed since 1986 when I dated a girl from Manitoba.

 

I LOVE romance and intimacy and she just brushes it off as unimportant. God do I miss kissing and intimacy.

 

Why did you marry someone who never kissed you passionately, esp if that kind of romance and intimacy is very important to you?

 

It looks like she was clear about her distaste for this kind of intimacy from the start. I don't think there is ANY hope that she will change to be more what you want.

[willma]

What a lot of women cannot wrap their mind around is the fact that men show and give their love in the form of physical contact and intimacy...NOT in the things we may do for you.

 

There are women who complain that they "give and give and give" as if to expect their husbands to love them for it. We do not want you to "give and give and give". For the most part, it is meaningless to us in terms of our relationship with you. We just want you to enjoy our touch and allow us to spend quality time together...it's really that simple.

 

Putting all your energy into the house, the kids, and the career, does not make for a good marriage. Husband and wife come #1 above all else, no matter what. Drop the f'ing laundry basket, leave the dishes alone, stop signing up for overtime at work, let the kids be, and let's just spend some time together.

 

A sexless marriage is not a marriage. It's irritable, angry roommates. Either get the priorities straight in your life or call it quits, because it is NO way to live.

 

Sorry for the rant. I have a little pent up stuff of my own.

[Irishlove]

This is why the married man Ive been dating is getting a divorce. I fell out of love with my husband due to his addiction. Met up with an old boyfriend whose marriage lacked intimacy. I love romance and intimacy. When him and I were together it filled in that piece of the puzzle. We knew it was wrong but felt too great to let go. We have both filed for divorce and are together out in the open and both our soon to be ex's know the reasons why we are moving on.

Life IS too short. We both love to kiss and could for hours. The world just disappears. When we are intimate it's so natural and feels so good. We have decided to make it right and commit once everything has settled down but we are both very touchy feely people so it works. This is my experience I thought I would share

[Dust]

I wasn’t going to talk about this because I was afraid of my gf finding this and getting into arguments. I sent some people on here PM’s about my situation. Unlike you I’m in my 20’s and unmarried. But like you I feel my life has lacked romance and passion for a while.

 

When I started dating my gf things were very passionate for the first 6 months or so. She even told me things like “I love sex.” For a long time now (the almost 2 years we lived together) things have been pretty stale sexually. It feels like I’m pulling teeth when I try to get her to have sex.

 

I do feel like I’ve found some one special. No one has ever made me as happy as she has and I know if push came to shove I would die for her. At the same time no one pisses me off more then she has especially when it comes to the fact that I know feel lucky if I have sex twice in a month. I’ve told her I know I’m not perfect but I think it would make everything better if we just made an effort to have sex at least once every weekend or some time during the week.

 

I don’t think I’m going to make it to 3 years with her if things don’t change. I really don’t want that to happen but it seems like it might.

 

It’s all just so confusing. Going from women to women never building a life with one seems like more of a nightmare then being sexually frustrated with some one you care about. It’s just I get so horny and angry and jacking off just doesn’t feel right when you have a live in girlfriend.

 

Even though I love her I’ll leave her because in the long run its what’s best for both of us. (maybe that will be the knock that finaly gets her to change, I doubt I'll date any for a while just to get my head straight so maybe even if I leave we'll get back for good, she is mariage material and this is one of my main concerns, other things holding me back are probably my own issues)

Edited May 5, 2011 by Dust

[Wehtiko]

Thanks everyone for you input.

 

I married her because she was pregnant and would have gone to the Philippines with our unborn child and neither I nor my family would have ever known her. I know that's very old school (& seemingly stupid), but sometimes in life you just have to do what you have to do. After that life just took over.

 

I can't go into all of the details because, well it's been over 20 years and you can't encapsulate it all in such a short space as I have here. But I have been wondering, is it normal for women to not like or want sex? I don't remember my other girlfriends (before her) being averse.

 

It's been ugly, especially over the last few years when she managed to guilt me out of going to my mothers' funeral and made me miss my brothers'. I need my life and manhood back. So I guess I'm probably just going to have to grow a backbone, bite the bullet, and leave.

[whichwayisup]

It's been ugly, especially over the last few years when she managed to guilt me out of going to my mothers' funeral and made me miss my brothers'.

 

This would be enough to make me wanna leave if I were in your shoes.

 

I am sorry for the loss of your mom and brother.

 

Your wife has issues, real serious issues to manipulate you (and sadly you let her guilt you) and have such control over your life.

 

Is your marriage worth saving? So far, from what you said, I have to say no. Question is, what do you think?

[Kristi can't sleep]

But I have been wondering, is it normal for women to not like or want sex? I don't remember my other girlfriends (before her) being averse.

 

No, no, no! Definitely not normal! I agree with TaraMaiden, but I would suggest some sneakier tactics before taking a stand and saying address the sex issue or else.

 

I've known women like this - they become very complacent and feel totally secure that you won't ever go anywhere. The pattern becomes established where you always want her, and she brushes you off: "oh, he always wants it". ...and maybe they have zero imagination and can't sustain sexual pleasure once the adrenaline of a new relationship wears off.

 

Shaking things up CAN work - how many other women have friends who suddenly "remembered how attractive their husband is only after the husband is leaving her? Well, men do the same thing in regard to that, but for the purpose of this situation, could you try seriously blowing her off? Start bringing up the subject of separation WITHOUT MENTIONING SEX or really defining ANY specific reason for wanting to discuss it. Stay very vague. Could even use hypothetical separation/divorce questions, and when she's asks why, say you were just wondering.

 

Point is to get her to realize that you are NOT happy and are no longer interested in trying to get her to sleep with you. In fact, she may come on to you, just to reassure herself she's still got you - if you have the willpower, TURN HER DOWN - say your tired.

 

Worth a shot. I know it's not the "healthy" way to handle this, but it might shake her up and make at her take a fresh look at you, without having to give her an ultimatum that may only get you half-hearted sex.

[giotto]

 

Frankly, I find it amazing that they haven't chosen to place these options in front of their wives, and taken a more determined stance.

 

 

well, I have... The result's been "mixed", but at least I tried.

 

I think the OP needs to be serious about having a proper conversation with his wife.

[TaraMaiden]

yeah, I know you did...but it wasn't all that long ago.

I was just surprised that you'd waited so long.

 

I'm going to be quick and blunt - sex means different things to men than it does to women, in general.

 

And there is much truth in the saying that men think with their loins.

I think it's perhaps more accurate though, to say that when it's a matter of seeing to a man's loins, and he's not getting seen to - then the thought process becomes all-consuming, and you end up like a rabbit caught in headlights.

It's all you can focus on, so you lose the peripheral factors....

 

Rather like getting toothache.

Nothing else matters but this phukkin' pain in your jaw. It becomes all you can focus on....

 

I'm glad, frankly, that an alternative approach made itself an option to you.

I'm just very sorry that it took so long....

 

And I say this with compassion.

[dreamingoftigers]

Don't think us girls are immune to the sexless marriage thing.

 

PHukk.

 

Some of us girls actually have a nice testosterone linkage with sex too and are not easily satisfied after one or two or three rounds.

 

Then we end up married to Mr. Not Tonight.

[giotto]

yeah, I know you did...but it wasn't all that long ago.

I was just surprised that you'd waited so long.

 

I'm going to be quick and blunt - sex means different things to men than it does to women, in general.

 

And there is much truth in the saying that men think with their loins.

I think it's perhaps more accurate though, to say that when it's a matter of seeing to a man's loins, and he's not getting seen to - then the thought process becomes all-consuming, and you end up like a rabbit caught in headlights.

It's all you can focus on, so you lose the peripheral factors....

 

Rather like getting toothache.

Nothing else matters but this phukkin' pain in your jaw. It becomes all you can focus on....

 

I'm glad, frankly, that an alternative approach made itself an option to you.

I'm just very sorry that it took so long....

 

And I say this with compassion.

 

 

well, I'm sorry too it took so long! But it's difficult to "battle" against the unknown, because the reasons were unknown to me (apart from the usual excuses) and the keeper of the secret wouldn't give me the key. So, yes, I battled and waited until the kids were old enough and I could actually be proactive without being so exhausted all the time, mentally and physically.

 

But Tara, have you noticed that it's usually men with kids that wait? And hope? All the men in sexless marriages here on LS seems to be very nice guys in a stable and pleasant relationship, which is missing only one thing. At the end of the day it's only sex, isn't it? Or at least this is what our wives tell us. And we stay, because we've been together for centuries, we have a nice family and we really love our wives, after all.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Why did you marry someone who never kissed you passionately, esp if that kind of romance and intimacy is very important to you?

 

I was wondering the same thing.

[PinkInTheLimo]

But I have been wondering, is it normal for women to not like or want sex? I don't remember my other girlfriends (before her) being averse.

 

No, it is not normal not to want sex for women. And you know that, since you had other girlfriends.

 

The question is: why do you (and other guys) have girlfriends who like sex but eventually marry one who does not like it, and then complain about it. Do you all suffer from the madonna-whore complex whereby you think that a woman who likes sex is somehow flawed?

 

I give it to you with 99% certainty. If you stay with this woman, you will never have a good sex life. Some women like sex and other don't seem to like it nor will they ever. Don't ask me for an explanation, I don't have one. I cannot for the life of me imagine loving a man and not wanting to have sex with him, have always been like that, will always be like that.

[nordic]

No, it is not normal not to want sex for women. And you know that, since you had other girlfriends.

 

The question is: why do you (and other guys) have girlfriends who like sex but eventually marry one who does not like it, and then complain about it. Do you all suffer from the madonna-whore complex whereby you think that a woman who likes sex is somehow flawed?

 

I give it to you with 99% certainty. If you stay with this woman, you will never have a good sex life. Some women like sex and other don't seem to like it nor will they ever. Don't ask me for an explanation, I don't have one. I cannot for the life of me imagine loving a man and not wanting to have sex with him, have always been like that, will always be like that.

 

simple. we want to marry a virgin, who is a soccermum outside her home, and a complete slut in bed with us, when somebody sees. didnt you know that? :-)

[Wehtiko]

Frankly, I think there's almost no truth the statement that men think with their loins. If that had been the primary factor then I would have left her long ago and said "To hell with my family!" We aren't one-dimensional creatures, we override our loins. There's far more to my marriage and relationship than sex... or lack of thereof.

But you're right there does come a time when other one factor DOES come in to play. And if I didn't make it clear, I will now. It's not just the lack of sex, it's the lack of intimacy- on all levels. It just makes it most noticeable in the lack of sex and the lack of kissing.

[TaraMaiden]

This thread started off as a lament because you and your wife don't have sex. The thread title itself, is a hint as to what your initial and original intended gripe was.

The thread has now rapidly evolved into clarifying just what kind of a relationship you have.

What you first complained about, is the mere tip of the iceberg.

 

My comment may not be relevant now, after so much more disclosure, but it was at the time I made it.

[linwood]

 

I'm going to be quick and blunt - sex means different things to men than it does to women, in general.

 

 

I disagree.

 

And there is much truth in the saying that men think with their loins.

I think it's perhaps more accurate though, to say that when it's a matter of seeing to a man's loins, and he's not getting seen to - then the thought process becomes all-consuming, and you end up like a rabbit caught in headlights.

It's all you can focus on, so you lose the peripheral factors....

 

Rather like getting toothache.

Nothing else matters but this phukkin' pain in your jaw. It becomes all you can focus on....

 

I'm glad, frankly, that an alternative approach made itself an option to you.

I'm just very sorry that it took so long....

 

 

I really disagree with this and in fact I think this misconception is a major part of why people have sexless marriages.

 

The fact that women seem to believe sex is just an itch that needs scratching for a man is what leads them to not want sex.

 

The fact that women don`t seem to understand that sex is a serious part of an emotional connection for the development of intimacy is why their husbands aren`t very intimate with them.

 

Most of the sexless men on these boards repeatedly complain about the lack of intimacy not the lack of orgasm.

[Honorable_Venerable]

Some women like sex and other don't seem to like it nor will they ever. Don't ask me for an explanation, I don't have one.

 

Probably there isn't a single explanation - it's like having a high temperature, it can be anything from the common cold to malaria.

 

In the same way, some people get a massive kick out of sport, exercise, dancing / whatever, and others are just underwhelmed by it. The problem is that when the "whatever" is sex, it impacts the other partner rather more...

[Honorable_Venerable]

I disagree.

 

 

 

I really disagree with this and in fact I think this misconception is a major part of why people have sexless marriages.

 

The fact that women seem to believe sex is just an itch that needs scratching for a man is what leads them to not want sex.

 

The fact that women don`t seem to understand that sex is a serious part of an emotional connection for the development of intimacy is why their husbands aren`t very intimate with them.

 

Most of the sexless men on these boards repeatedly complain about the lack of intimacy not the lack of orgasm.

 

Emphasis mine. I would suggest that a fair number of people don't want to have to think hard or work at something, or see another person's point of view. You can call it laziness if you like, but a simple approach where you can describe the other person as "wrong" and do nothing suits a lot of people a lot of the time. Only when this becomes totally unsupportable will they put in any effort. This, I think, applies to both sexes. It may affect different facets of a relationship, but the underlying cause is the same.

 

Even though there are a slew of other reasons for poor sex lives including physical fitness, mental health, financial issues, trauma, exhaustion, religious conditioning (I could go on...), I think that if simply not being prepared to make an effort could be addressed, it would make a big difference.

[Entropy3000]

What a lot of women cannot wrap their mind around is the fact that men show and give their love in the form of physical contact and intimacy...NOT in the things we may do for you.

 

There are women who complain that they "give and give and give" as if to expect their husbands to love them for it. We do not want you to "give and give and give". For the most part, it is meaningless to us in terms of our relationship with you. We just want you to enjoy our touch and allow us to spend quality time together...it's really that simple.

 

Putting all your energy into the house, the kids, and the career, does not make for a good marriage. Husband and wife come #1 above all else, no matter what. Drop the f'ing laundry basket, leave the dishes alone, stop signing up for overtime at work, let the kids be, and let's just spend some time together.

 

A sexless marriage is not a marriage. It's irritable, angry roommates. Either get the priorities straight in your life or call it quits, because it is NO way to live.

 

Sorry for the rant. I have a little pent up stuff of my own.

 

This. Exactly this.

[frozensprouts]

Thanks everyone for you input.

 

I married her because she was pregnant and would have gone to the Philippines with our unborn child and neither I nor my family would have ever known her. I know that's very old school (& seemingly stupid), but sometimes in life you just have to do what you have to do. After that life just took over.

 

I can't go into all of the details because, well it's been over 20 years and you can't encapsulate it all in such a short space as I have here. But I have been wondering, is it normal for women to not like or want sex? I don't remember my other girlfriends (before her) being averse.

 

 

Hi,

there was a time when I didn't want sex, and I know now that it was very hard on my husband.

 

It started when our middle daughter was very sick and in the hospital. I'd go and spend as much time with her as I could, and when I would come home to rest for a few hours, I was so worried and sad that we would loose her (the doctors thought she had a brain tumor) that it was all I could think about. Sex with my husband just seemed impossible as I was so sad and my heart would not have been in it. I got annoyed with him because he would want to have sex, as I couldn't understand how he could want to when there was something so horrible going on.

it got worse, as after she was released and back home and getting better, I developed a severe health issue that was so painful I needed to take morphine just to be able to walk. At the end of the day, I was so worn out that I all I wanted to do was sleep, but my husband would want to have sex. The way I saw it, he didn't care that he would hurt me, he just wanted sex.

 

This led to a huge problem for us.

 

After a huge amount of crud that I won't go into here. and a lot of talking and counseling, we both understand the situation a lot better. I didn't really realize that part of him wanting sex so much was because he wanted to be close to me and show affection. He thought I was rejecting him, and didn't realize how sad and in pain I was. I didn't realize how much I was hurting him by not wanting to have sex. Talking about it helped us a lot. Now he understands that sometimes I'm just too tired to have sex ( we've got 3 kids, all of whom have some major health problems, and I get up at five thrity with him and go to bed after our kids are all finally settled, which sometimes isn't until very late at night), and that at those times, being held and cuddled is really nice for both of us... and oftentimes, I'm the one who initiates it. I understand that, for him, sex is not only a "biological release" - didn't know how else to put that-lol) but a way to achieve intimacy between us, so I try and make sure that we have at least some time for it whenever we can.

 

We are both happier now.

 

This is just one of the things I wish that someone had told me...so often men are portrayed as wanting sex only for biological reasons, when, in fact, it's just as much a way to be intimate and show the other person how much they are loved... I guess I didn't understand how "one night stand" type of sex and " I love you and want to show it" sex are different...seems like I'm not the only one...maybe it comes from kids having sex so young these days ( don't get me started on my opinion on THAT-lol) and they don't learn about the emotions involved...