Never thought I would be doing this

[foggyandconfused]

I am a married, mid 40's manager of a media company. I had an college intern, two years ago, that I never thought a whole lot about, until recently.

 

About 6 months ago, she asked me to lunch and we have begun having lunch 3-4 times a month and spending some time together on the weekends. We have never kissed, held hands, or done anything sexual, yet.

 

We have talked about our s ex lives, sex with other people, and flirted with each other. We always hug each other when we meet and before we leave. The hugs get longer and longer and I get the feeling she really wants them to end with a kiss. I know I do.

 

In about 6 weeks, I am going across the country for a media event, lasting 4 days, and asked her to go with me. I never thought she would say yes. She did. She has just graduated from college. We have talked a little about the fact that we will be staying in the same room, over 4 days and she says she is fine with it. She almost seems shy when the subject comes up, although I know she is anything but shy. I know from talking to her that, while not jumping from partner to partner, she is very open about her sexuality.

 

I do not think I have ever spent time with someone I click so well with. I have had many chances, over the last 10 years, to have one night stands, or hook up with people I know, and have always refused. I have just never met anyone, since I have been married, that I am into. I have never felt the desire, until I began to get to know her. I am afraid I am falling for her. I know I am.

 

My wife has had some minor medical problems that have resulted in her complete loss of a sex drive. We have had sex maybe 4 times in the last 6 years and probably half of those had to be stopped, because of pain she has experienced. I have tried hard to get her to seek medical help, but she is not interested. She is resolved to pretty much end her sexual life, even though she is only in her early 40's. I have more sexual energy now than I did in my 20's and do not want to end this part of my life. My relationship with my wife is great, we are amazing friends, there is just no showing of affection, which is getting unbearable.

 

I guess I am just looking for advise and suggestions. I feel strongly that my friend is very into me and this trip will likely be a fantasy come true. Do I think we have a chance to be together, because of the age difference? Probably not, but if things progressed, I would consider it.

 

However, maybe I am totally wrong and she just wants to be friends, which I am fine with, but I must admit to have developed very, very strong feelings for her in the last six months. I find it hard to believe a 22 year old would travel across the country to stay in a hotel with me, without being interested in something more than friendship. She has come up with a story about being out of town, so that nobody will know we are traveling and staying together.

 

It has been a long, long time since someone has made me feel the way she does. I have more in common with her than I do with my wife (wife & I are polar opposites, but we get along great). Most people befriend me because of my connections, she is just into me for me and I just adore her in every way. If I would have met her 20 years ago, I know we would have ended up together.

 

Thoughts? Am I kidding myself? I do have a feeling that this will be the beginning of an affair (we have talked about FWB relationships we both have had over the years). I have not been unfaithful to my wife, in the 10 years we have been together. I am just tired of living without affection and have finally found someone I think is really into me, that I really like.

 

Am I crazy? Thanks for listening to me ramble.

[vsmini]

Have you sought therapy with your wife? Don't sit there and pretend like you've exhausted all options to make it work with your wife just because some 22 year old is potentially waiting for you.

 

Your ego needs to calm down. If you want to do the right thing you get into counceling with your wife, tell the intern she can't come with you on the trip and cut off communication with her.

 

Older men always think they click with us girls in our twenties. The clicking you hear is just the sound of your boners. Don't throw away your marriage just because some pretty little thing is giving you attention.

SNAP OUT OF IT MAN!

[vsmini]

"If I would have met her 20 years ago, I know we would have ended up together."

 

Boy please! You can't possibly know that and it's not 20 years ago. It's circa now and you have to remember the commitment you made to yourself and to your wife. Even if you did end up with the 22 year old she'd probably end it eventually. 22 years old now-a-days might as well be 16.

[BB07]

Yep you are crazy. A middle aged man who is already in a emotional affair and a hair away from making it a physical affair. She is stroking your ego, making you feel good. You aren't getting any at home but your going to get some now.

 

You should be asking yourself what this can cost you. Here are some possibilities. You could catch a std, some of those that you'll have forever or die from. If you catch one, you could give it to your wife. Your OW might go bunny boiler on you, hurt you, hurt your wife or kids if you have any. If your wife finds out you will hurt her like she has never been hurt before, she might totally lose her mind or she could become violent. She might divorce you and humiliate you in the process. If you have kids, you will absolutely hurt them, either by inattention while you are in the affair or the hell that will happen at your house if the truth comes out and well divorce is a bitch on the kids too. You could lose your friends and family and your standing in the community. You could lose your job. You will always have this follow you around and you will know that you cheated and betrayed your wife, some things are hard to live with, you know. This young woman might fall in love with you, if she does you will hurt her badly. You and her both might fool yourself into thinking oh it's just sex but that often turns around and bites you in the ass when feelings develop. Then you'll be a big confused mess of a man feeling torn between two women.

 

I'm sure I forgot to mention a few things........but all that stuff can and some of it always happens.

 

Now do you still want go for sex with the hot girl who is almost young enough to be your daughter?

[ver13]

Your not crazy you are just attracted to a lovely young women whom you have been spending way to much non-business time with. That being said come on man - staying in the same room on a business trip. You know what this is leading up too and now your trying to see if your fantasy which you have been working overtime on is okay to make real. One your wife and you need to address your sexual issue's and I don't mean just a casual conversation tell her that you need sex more then she is providing right now. I know that there are other alternatives to intercourse and it looks like you need to explore them. If you start this thing with this women there is no turning back and no matter what happens someone is going to get hurt. Unless she just wants a booty call out of you, even then she's in a position that you are not your "M". So really think about this before you act, and if you feel that you really want to be with this women an she truly want's your mature a** then tell your wife that you need to seperate and get your S**T together.

[vsmini]

Inspired by BB07 I would also like to add.

 

I'm 28 right now and at the age of 25 I was involved with a co-worker for over a year and a half. It ended badly. I avoided dating this guy for the longest as he was my co-worker and I was afraid it would get messy.

"I'm mature," I thought "I can handle this." I wasn't mature and did not handle it very well. I didn't bring the mess to other co-workers but I damn near did.

 

This girl is 22 - who knows what she could pull. You say you know her, 22 year olds don't even know themselves yet. You're walking on some risky ground.

[2sunny]

tell your wife. she deserves to know.

 

you DO have choices. YOU choose:

 

to have this young gal feed your ego

to stay emotionally connected to her

to offer sharing a hotel room with her - like that's your only option

to have lunch with her

to keep this from your wife

to share intimacy with someone other than your wife

to share personal info about your marriage

to betray your wife

to BE an inappropriate man with his actions

to hug a woman

to give a single gal hope

to mislead this OW AND your wife

 

 

IF you intend to share a life with this woman - divorce your wife.

 

either stop spending time and energy outside of your primary relationship or divorce and do things in proper order.

 

in the meantime - be honest with your wife about how YOU have been participating with this woman who is tempting you - stepping into your marriage and what YOU are allowing as far as interacting with this single gal. yes, OWN your behavior! YOU did this - only blame yourself for what YOU have done.

 

tell the whole truth! how can your wife know what needs fixing IF you don't tell her what you have been doing? she has choices too - she can either choose to start making an effort to participate with connecting with you more - or she can move forward and find a man who isn't willing to betray her at this highest level.

 

YOU have allowed this... are YOU planning to grow the infidelity bigger or are you going to shut it down?

[BB07]

Do you think anyone ever shuts it down 2sunny?

 

 

I seriously have my doubts about that. Most of us like to learn our lessons the hard way I'm afraid because we don't realize the full costs of making a really bad decision.

[whichwayisup]

I have not been unfaithful to my wife, in the 10 years we have been together.

 

Then don't start now. Don't become a cheater, a liar, a betrayer.

 

I am just tired of living without affection and have finally found someone I think is really into me, that I really like.

 

Tell your wife this! Exactly this! That as much as you love her (wife) you're fed up with no sex. That you've met and connected with another woman and are thinking of having an affair. Maybe this will force your wife into getting medical help for her sexual disfunction and/or push her into making a bigger effort into the marriage and into you. To just go and cheat is so selfish of you!

 

Maybe you two can decide together (You and your wife) if you two should split up and divorce, find more suited partners for one another, or choose to have an open marriage. You to have sex on the side, and for her, to have someone who will be a good friend on an emotional level and treat her with respect and kindness.

 

Either way you're putting yourself in a stupid situation. **** JUST TO CLARIFY before anybody jumps at me.. I am not calling original poster stupid, just the situation and his selfish choices****

[2sure]

I definitely sympathize with you regarding your wife basically giving up on sex. 4 Times in 6 years is NONE. And thats not fair especially since she will NOT get help as you have requested. Sex between partners is not just a sexual release but an intimate reconnection.

 

Its no wonder that you feel connected or potential for connection with someone else.

 

Thing is...you KNOW about your wife, her problem.

She doesnt know what you are planning ...so, that makes it not just wrong but..unfair and ugly.

 

If you must connect with an OW - please at least choose someone who knows and understands what kind of shytestorm she is entering and what kind of person would invite a 22 year old INTERN to it.

[foggyandconfused]

Excuse me if I am rambling, I just want to give you information on my situation and answer your comments and questions.

 

I understand where everyone is coming from and I appreciate your replies. I think there is no chance she will go psycho, just by knowing her, but maybe I am wrong. I know you can't predict such things. I have known her for more than two years and we have become very close over the last 6-7 months. She is very level headed and very mature for her age. 22 is the new 16? Not really. She is more adult and responsible than many 30 year olds I know.

 

I did ask her if she would like me to get her a room of her own, during our upcoming trip, and she said it was not necessary. I asked her is she was uncomfortable about the trip and she said no that she was really looking forward to it.

 

I have tried for years to address the sexual issues at home. It is just not important to my wife. She went to one appointment years ago and never returned. I wanted to go with her, but they wanted her to go alone the first time. I tried to get her to see someone else, if she was unhappy with that first meeting. No luck. It has been much more than a few "casual conversations." It has been ongoing for years.

 

If this 22 year old wanted a just a booty call, she would have made the attempt months ago. She is attractive enough that she could have anyone her own age, if she wanted. We have been alone enough times that she could have made an advance, if that was the only thing she was looking for.

 

And yes, I do believe if we had met under different circumstances, 20 years ago and were the same age, we would have hit it off. We have so many common interests and just click - I know it sounds stupid, but we can talk for hours and hours and not run out of things to say. She is genuinely interested in me. I have met thousands of people during my career and never hit it off with someone like I do with her. During recent accomplishments and promotions I have received, my wife never really bats an eye. My friend is excited and wants to know all about it. She reminds me exactly of myself, at her age. She is going into the same line of work, in media. She has not asked me for one favor, using my connections, and I really do not believe she is using me for any kind of personal career gain.'

 

Is she stroking my ego? Of course she is. Who doesn't like to feel important and cared about? I am not blind, I just do not see anything sinister in my friend pursuing me. I get the feeling she is a bit embarrassed about it and she has said she has never become such good friends with someone 20 years older than her.

 

She does have a long-term boyfriend that thinks she is going out of town for a different reason. She has made excuses to him before to spend time with me.

 

I have had friendships with younger girls that I have met through work and through mutual friends. A few have flirted with me. A few I could have had sex with, if I would have pursued it. I did not jump at the first pretty young girl that looked my way. This is different, much deeper, at least for me.

 

I can't see myself living the rest of my life in a basically affectionate void relationship. Not just sex, but simple things like long hugs, kisses, and other foreplay just doesn't interest her. I have really tried to get her to understand how important this is to me, to no avail. I know it is hard on her too and I just don't understand why she is just settling with things. She just doesn't seem to care that I am suffering in this way and have been for years. I think she is embarrassed and doesn't want to open up to a professional about these personal things.

 

When I was in my early 20's I did have a relationship with a woman in her early 40's and we were great together. I think things like this can work out, although I am sure the percentage is very small.

 

Do I love the attention? Do I love that someone actually listens to me, wants to learn about me, and appreciates having me as a friend? Of course I do. I am attention and affection starved at home and have been for years. I am a very affectionate person - my wife has become the polar opposite. In every other way, things in our relationship are fine.

 

Is it really that wrong to want a fantasy-like weekend getaway, without someone who not only is very smart (a recent college grad), has a great personality, and enjoys my company? We have talked about FWB relationships before and she knows I am married, so I doubt she is making any long-term plans for a relationship with me, although the upcoming weekend could push either one of us in that direction.

 

We have no kids together, but I do have a 20 year old son from my first marriage, who lives about 300 miles away..

 

Sorry for rambling. Just trying to give you the details of my situation. I am very conflicted about this.

[BB07]

I definitely sympathize with you regarding your wife basically giving up on sex. 4 Times in 6 years is NONE. And thats not fair especially since she will NOT get help as you have requested. Sex between partners is not just a sexual release but an intimate reconnection.

 

Its no wonder that you feel connected or potential for connection with someone else.

 

Thing is...you KNOW about your wife, her problem.

She doesnt know what you are planning ...so, that makes it not just wrong but..unfair and ugly.

 

If you must connect with an OW - please at least choose someone who knows and understands what kind of shytestorm she is entering and what kind of person would invite a 22 year old INTERN to it.

 

A middle aged man who is so desperate for some ego stroking that he'd have sex with someone who could be his daughter....because he is thinking with his ego and his dick only. :sick:

[ver13]

I definitely sympathize with you regarding your wife basically giving up on sex. 4 Times in 6 years is NONE. And thats not fair especially since she will NOT get help as you have requested. Sex between partners is not just a sexual release but an intimate reconnection.

 

Its no wonder that you feel connected or potential for connection with someone else.

 

Thing is...you KNOW about your wife, her problem.

She doesnt know what you are planning ...so, that makes it not just wrong but..unfair and ugly.

 

If you must connect with an OW - please at least choose someone who knows and understands what kind of shytestorm she is entering and what kind of person would invite a 22 year old INTERN to it.

This right on the mark !!!

[2sure]

Look, I get it. I understand what you think and what you need.

But, she is too young not for you...but for this garbage and she doesnt know it.

 

Please find someone at least more experienced.

[2sure]

You said yourself you have plenty of opportunity. Why is it that someone 20 years younger, vulnerable and inexperienced , professionally beneath you...is the one you want?

[BB07]

You know foggy.........before you do this, you at least ought to give your wife a fighting chance to address the problem.

 

Man up and tell her the truth.......that you are a hair away from boinking a 22 yr old and if the wife doesn't take it seriously and do something profound about it right now then you will divorce her so you can look elsewhere for what you are missing. Be a man..face it head on, don't be a coward and do this affair behind your wife's back, show her the respect she deserves as (you said she was your good friend). Treat her like one and give her one more chance before you do this thing you will regret. Man up!

[foggyandconfused]

I have to strongly disagree with the poster who says I am just thinking with my dick. If that was the case, I could have cheated long ago. I have had opportunities. Hell, I could hire an escort if all I wanted was cheap, ego-boosting sex.

 

I am only thinking about it now, because of the emotional bond we have developed in the last half year. I know the bond is strong because I know the potential consequences.

 

Maybe I am being irrational, but I am trying to think this through and have not made any advances in the months we have been spending time together.

 

Is the attention, friendship, and being flirted with by someone young and attractive exciting? Of course it is. But that is not enough to get me to just drop my pants, which is why I am here.

 

I really want this fantasy weekend to happen. On the other hand, I wish things were different, so I wasn't looking for affection and friendship outside my home. I honestly do not know what to do.

[vsmini]

We appreciate all of the details but I don't think you will get many people on here that will cheerlead you onto an affair. It's just not a good idea. The chances of everyone getting out OK are slim and it stands even less of a chance because of the ages of those involved.

 

She is very level headed and very mature for her age. 22 is the new 16? Not really. She is more adult and responsible than many 30 year olds I know.

 

 

Really? Because I'm 28 and I'm mature and level headed and would NEVER get involved with a married man. Huge red flag on both of your parts. Even given your circumstances -way too much to get involved with someone who has a wife and a son my own age.

 

I did ask her if she would like me to get her a room of her own, during our upcoming trip, and she said it was not necessary. I asked her is she was uncomfortable about the trip and she said no that she was really looking forward to it.

 

 

This is null and void. So you asked her if she wants her own room? Are you trying to convince yourself and us that you tried your hardest to not have to share a room with her? Of course she wants to share a room with you. She probably plans on hooking up with you.

 

I am not blind, I just do not see anything sinister in my friend pursuing me.

 

Right - because she's doing all the pursuing and you aren't doing anything to help move it along into affair territory. Sinister? An affair is sinister.

 

She does have a long-term boyfriend that thinks she is going out of town for a different reason. She has made excuses to him before to spend time with me.

 

Ok - so it's both clear you are in relationships and both have crappy communication skills since both of you are in the process of cheating.

 

I can't see myself living the rest of my life in a basically affectionate void relationship. Not just sex, but simple things like long hugs, kisses, and other foreplay just doesn't interest her. I have really tried to get her to understand how important this is to me, to no avail.

 

Then divorce your wife. But don't make let those reasons validate your affair. Don't try to make it sound like you were forced into an affair by your SO. I hate when people do that.

 

You wanted advice you can disagree with me, that's fine...but I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear.

[foggyandconfused]

I'll be honest. I do not want to get divorced. I do not want the two of us to see our standard of living go down (not that we are rich), do not want our families to go through this (we both get along great with each other's families) and do not want to start over, at least at this time.

 

I do not think she is thinking about a long term relationship. She is smart enough to know that her family and friends would not support the idea of her being with guy who is so much older.

 

However, my dad was 18 years older than my mom and they were married for 40 years and never divorced.

 

However, if things progressed and my friend said she was very interested in a serious relationship, I would give it serious thought. At least at this moment in time I would. I am confused.

[BB07]

You said yourself you have plenty of opportunity. Why is it that someone 20 years younger, vulnerable and inexperienced , professionally beneath you...is the one you want?

 

 

If he goes through with it........then that proves that it's EXACTLY what he wants.

 

As you 2sure are trying to point out to him, just because she is legally an adult and gives him the impression that she knows what she is doing...........she does not. Foggy........you want to screw up this young woman's head? If you don't care or you can't see past yourself, go ahead with this.......she may pay for it for the rest of her life. Pull your head out of your own selfishness and look what you will be doing to TWO women. You may destroy them both........and yourself.

[foggyandconfused]

I am not trying to find reasons to validate an affair. Again, I could have cheated a long time ago. These problems have been going on for years and I have not cheated.

 

I am looking for comments that I do not want to hear, perspectives that maybe I have not considered. That is why I am here. There is reason to not speak your mind. I am asking for it.

[vsmini]

Foggy - what about therapy? Have you been with your wife?

[foggyandconfused]

If he goes through with it........then that proves that it's EXACTLY what he wants.

 

As you 2sure are trying to point out to him, just because she is legally an adult and gives him the impression that she knows what she is doing...........she does not. Foggy........you want to screw up this young woman's head? If you don't care or you can't see past yourself, go ahead with this.......she may pay for it for the rest of her life. Pull your head out of your own selfishness and look what you will be doing to TWO women. You may destroy them both........and yourself.

 

I cannot answer that. I have had a few women, younger and older, flirt with me over the years. Not many, but a few. It has nothing to do with her age or position in life. It has everything to do with the way she makes me feel and the fun we have when we are together.

[BB07]

Foggy.......I'm an xow.........what you have told us so far is very, very common in how she makes you feel, and you probably don't see it yet but you are rationalizing and justifying what you are about to embark on. Read the stories here, guys in your position, the pain the betrayed spouse feels, the pain the OW feels........it's all here. Affairs bring pain to all parties and few of them work out to happy ever after and even if they do work out till the ap's are together, a lot of people still get hurt and that hurt will be on you and the OW.

 

You've got problems in your marriage, your wife is not interested in sex........we all get that, but address those issues before doing this. Perhaps if you tell her the truth about what you are thinking of right now, your wife will take it very seriously, and hey if she doesn't, then you should discuss your options. You have this fantasy in your head and yep, the sex will probably be mind blowing good, but it won't stop there. One or both of you will think or you will fall in love, then...........you've got the beginnings of a shytestorm of all kind of problems that we are trying to warn you about.

[Flgirl44]

 

I can't see myself living the rest of my life in a basically affectionate void relationship. Not just sex, but simple things like long hugs, kisses, and other foreplay just doesn't interest her. I have really tried to get her to understand how important this is to me, to no avail. I know it is hard on her too and I just don't understand why she is just settling with things. She just doesn't seem to care that I am suffering in this way and have been for years. I think she is embarrassed and doesn't want to open up to a professional about these personal things.

 

When I was in my early 20's I did have a relationship with a woman in her early 40's and we were great together. I think things like this can work out, although I am sure the percentage is very small.

 

Do I love the attention? Do I love that someone actually listens to me, wants to learn about me, and appreciates having me as a friend? Of course I do. I am attention and affection starved at home and have been for years. I am a very affectionate person - my wife has become the polar opposite. In every other way, things in our relationship are fine.

Is it really that wrong to want a fantasy-like weekend getaway, without someone who not only is very smart (a recent college grad), has a great personality, and enjoys my company? We have talked about FWB relationships before and she knows I am married, so I doubt she is making any long-term plans for a relationship with me, although the upcoming weekend could push either one of us in that direction.

We have no kids together, but I do have a 20 year old son from my first marriage, who lives about 300 miles away..

 

Sorry for rambling. Just trying to give you the details of my situation. I am very conflicted about this.

 

 

The bolded text is where the anger and resentment comes from that will drive you to ultimately do this.

 

The italicized text is where you try to appeal to everyones sense of happiness and common sense about pursuing it. As if naturally you would want these things so its easy to see the progression of things.

 

The underlined text is you getting off on whats sure to be a fun weekend like a little kid salivating over some candy and rationalizing it with your thoughts in the bold and italics.

 

It would take more courage to admit this to your wife and reinvest your energies into your marriage, than to do what you are planning. Btw why not invite your wife on the trip?